Boyfriend Stares at Men

I'm kind of convinced the guy I've been dating for 6 months may be gay. He stares at other men ALL the time; only wants oral from me (says sex with a condom is difficult); and now seems to be attempting to interact with a tranny on FB whom he is not friends with (okay, he liked one post but there seems to be "straight" men buzzing about her page). I've asked him twice (sort of) if he was gay; once when we were in bed. He simply said no. I called him out when we were out one night. He stared at several men for a prolonged period of time. Upon hearing my assertion that he stared at men too long he got angry.

A few nights ago he stared at several men on the way home. He kept on looking back at me to see if I was looking ... I was.

Your thoughts? I want to say my instincts are right. He has loads of other issues I don't have time to discuss including some nerve and back problems which makes me understand the lack of sex but not his odd -- for a "straight guy" -- behaviour.


Many thanks!

Well, frankly, his staring at other guys -- and especially his trying to do it surreptitiously -- is a big red flag. Also, some men who are attracted to other men are initially interested in trans women or drag queens because they see them as women [of course trans women are women] but are turned on by the masculine connection -- a drag queen is still a guy and has a penis, while a trans woman once had a penis [or still does if she hasn't had surgery yet]. Men who get sexually involved with them can tell themselves they're not really having sex with a man [which is true in the case of the Trans woman, but not with the drag queen.]

I would say this fellow at least has some attraction for men but isn't ready to be upfront about it. The problem is, until he's ready, you don't know if he's gay or genuinely bi, and if the latter, if his preference [if he's totally honest with himself] is men, in which case he might as well be gay. Who needs a conflicted boyfriend who may be planning sexual escapades behind your back?

Try and draw him out in a sympathetic, non-judgmental way. If he seems deceptive or hostile, you're probably better off moving on.  

Gay or Transsexual

How can you tell if an effeminate male child is gay or transsexual? QR.

Some people can actually be both. Otherwise being gay is very different from being transsexual, and vice versa. A gay person is sexually, romantically and emotionally attracted to people of the same gender. A transsexual is a person who mentally and emotionally belongs to one [their true] gender, but who is born with the physical qualities and sexual organs of the other [or "wrong"] gender -- in other words a female born into a male body or vice versa. Transsexuals "transition" into the right sex --- their physical gender matches their mental gender -- through a "sex change," via hormones, therapy and surgery. Transsexuals generally seek counseling to determine if they are truly in a transsexual state and if transitioning will be right for them. While most transsexuals are much happier after the transition, a few feel they would have been happier had they not undergone the process, possibly because those who can not "pass" even after the transition as their true internal sex (for whatever reasons) may face more discrimination and ridicule. As noted, some transsexuals are also gay; many are not.

First of all, speaking of an effeminate boy, one has to define the term "effeminate." Some people foolishly think a boy is effeminate simply because he prefers reading over sports, writes poetry, and has good manners. Sometimes just a lack of an interest in athletics is enough to get a kid branded "effeminate" or a "sissy" -- or gay -- when he's really straight. You can not assume a boy is gay for these reasons because many heterosexual men are more interested in science or the arts than they are in knocking a ball around, and many gay men are very athletic and sports-oriented. To think a boy can't be gay because he likes football and plays it well is ridiculous. This doesn't change the fact that boys who are effeminate in the usual sense of the word -- girlish, epicene, what-have-you -- can certainly be gay. If you suspect your son may be gay, make sure he knows you respect gay people so that he will do the same (and respect himself) and it will be that much easier for him to come out and/or accept himself when the time comes if he is gay.

Often transsexual boys are not "effeminate" but rather feminine, like most girls. They will want to wear girl's clothing (which most gay men do not wish to do), adopt a new female name, talk about how much they wish they didn't have a penis, etc. A transsexual "boy" is crying out to be female and may let his parents know about it whether they want to or not. [Gays also feel a need to "come out" and be themselves, although it may not be as intense, as they do not require physical changes to their bodies or feel they are in the "wrong" ones.] In contrast, gay boys with a leaning towards transvestism/cross-dressing may identify with the female sex and want to dress up as girls as well, but in general will still think of themselves as males and have no desire to lose their penises. [Not to confuse you even further, but men who like to dress up as women can also be heterosexual, and most gay men are not cross-dressers.]

Many transsexuals and some gays recognize the truth about themselves at an early age -- especially these days when there is much more information available on TV and on the Internet. Some need more time to figure out their sexuality than others. If you raise your child in a loving open-minded home where diversity is accepted, chances are they will have a much easier time accepting themselves, whatever they may be, and will be more willing to talk with you about it.

Effeminacy does not always point towards homosexuality (or transsexualism) and many gay boys are not in the least effeminate. Transsexual or transgender boys will more likely exhibit "female" traits. But don't jump to any conclusions. In an environment of tolerance and understanding, boys and girls will have an easier time of determining who and what they are and in accepting and declaring themselves.

GLBTQIBXYZ -- huh?

Hopefully you can answer this because I'm confused. I'm a small-town gay gal and I guess I don't get out much but when the hell did Gay Rights become GLBT or whatever the hell it is and what's up with GLBTXQBI and all the rest? And please tell me what on earth is "intersexed." Confused but happy old lesbian.

First of all, you're not old, baby, you're mature.

To answer your questions, Dr. Bill himself is not exactly certain when "GLBT" -- which means Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender -- came into being and replaced Good 'ol "Gay." I would guess it came into early use twenty years ago and become popularized about a decade ago (and in some cases has become inaccurately retroactive). There's a GLBT or LGBT center not far from my door in Manhattan which I sometimes call the Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato center. I do know that when people speak of the GLBT pride parade the year after Stonewall or in the seventies, eighties and even nineties, they're inaccurate. These were Gay Pride parades, plain and simple. Even today many people simply use "Gay Pride" as an umbrella term. Less unwieldly and more recognizable, for one thing. Plus the fact that gays and lesbians constitute the majority of GLBT members.

The early Gay Rights movement certainly did not automatically exclude lesbians (who are gay, of course), bisexuals or the transgendered (some of whom are gay), but I imagine some activists -- Dr. Bill was not consulted -- thought it would be more democratic to give all sexual minorities (although not all are actually included) equal billing. It was also thought that lumping all of us together -- the idea being that whatever group we belonged to we were all "queer" -- would add up to greater numbers and hence greater political power.

The sad truth is that a united GLBT -- outside of the world of political activists -- may be more of a concept than a reality. GLBT political activists are more likely to know and intermingle with members of the other groups, which is not true of the average, non-political gay person, so this idea of GLBT "togetherness" may be entirely artificial. What I mean is that being transsexual is a very different experience from being gay, and that many, many (mostly but not always non-political) gays still remain cynical about the very notion of bisexuality, believing -- rightly or wrongly -- that most bisexuals are just gays who for one reason or another can't come all the way out of the closet. [More on this on another post. Save your letters for later.]

For instance, political gays were quick to insist that trangenders be included in the ENDA non-discrimination bill, while the average gay person, if they knew about the bill at all (and without suggesting that they're all transphobic bigots) probably didn't give that much of a damn, not relating to transsexuals or even necessarily knowing what one was.

The feeling among many politically correct gays is that, being discriminated against themselves, they don't wish to discriminate, or even be thought of as possibly, accidentally, inadvertently discriminating, against anyone else (including heterosexuals, even the bigoted ones). Therefore we have some queer people who expand GLBT into GLBTQBI and so on and so on.

The "Q"stands for questioning, which I frankly think is pretty silly. Most gay people go through a questioning period, for Pete's sake; I doubt if genuinely heterosexual people really spend a lot of time wondering if they're gay or they're bi. I mean, you either get hot for your own sex or you don't; it's a given that most gays go through a certain period of confusion. (Oops, now we'll have to add a "C" for "confused.") I assume some gay groups don't want to scare off gay or transgender youths (and older people) who don't yet identify as gay or transgender.

The other "B" stands for Bi-Curious, which means someone who at least identifies as straight but may have some homosexual leanings or a certain curiosity about our sexuality or lifestyle. Again, this is a phase many gays go through. I hardly think of the "bicurious" as a legitimate minority group, but who knows?

"I" stands for Intersexed and brings us to the last part of your question. Intersexual is the modern term for the out-dated "hermaphrodite," but intersexed people do not have both male and female sexual organs; rather they have a commingling of the two. Parents of intersexed children choose a sex for their babies through surgery, but when these children are grown they can switch -- again, via surgery -- if they want to. There are a couple of hundred intersexed people in the US, and maybe a thousand or more worldwide. It's a question if this is a minority group or simply a group of people who have the same medical condition. Intersexed people aren't necessarily homosexual, but as I've said many activists don't want to exclude anyone and of course no one wants intersexed people to be discriminated against, although if they are it may be because they are perceived as being gay or transsexual -- since most people don't know what "intersexed" means any more than you do.

The premise of being all-inclusive, while possibly noble, can get a little ridiculous at times. On one gay -- I mean, GLBT -- message board, someone actually suggested that "F" for "furries" be added to GLBT .... ! "Furries" are people who like to dress up as animal cartoon characters. Some of them feel marginalized and therefore think of themselves as being a put-upon minority group.

A certain percentage of "furries" are undoubtedly gay, transgender etc. but on this same message board I suggested that if we added "F" to GLBT we should also add an "H" for fans of The Honeymooners TV show who attend conventions (like furries do), who are gay, and who may feel marginalized because they eat too much or because people tell them they should have more productive ways of spending their time. [Don't get me wrong. I love Jackie Gleason and The Honeymooners but I can't see going to a convention ... oh, well.]

But my dear mature lesbian friend, don't fret too much over all this. Many of these people who are adding all these letters to GLBT are very young and will learn in time. In the meantime, I think it's kind of nice that they don't want anyone to feel left out, eh?

Pregnant Men Aren't Gay

Why do gay men want to have babies? Anon.

Are you asking if gay men want to have children or if they want to get pregnant? As far as the latter is concerned, gay men are men -- they can't get pregnant and have no desire to.

If you've been hearing in the news about pregnant men, these are not gay men but Trans Men, female-to-male transsexuals who were born biologically female, get a partial sex-change, but retain their female sexual organs, including ovaries. Therefore they are still able to get pregnant like women. Ironically, Thomas Beatie, a pregnant Trans Man who has recently been getting a lot of publicity, happens to be heterosexual, and has a wife.

Repeat: Gay Men are men who have no desire to get pregnant and couldn't do so even if they wanted to, which they don't.

Some gay men want to have children, either in the usual biological way or via adoption etc. the same reason other people want to have children, presumably the joy it brings to raise and teach a little person how to get along in the world or to exercise a paternal/maternal need.

There is some controversy in the gay community on this issue. Some gay couples see raising children as something that makes them seem more "normal," while other gays feel that those who feel that way are trying too hard to be conventional and "straight-acting." Still other gays feel that having/raising children is simply every person's inalienable right.

In truth, the desire to have and raise children is a very personal decision, often having little to do with sexual orientation. Many heterosexual couples have no children, and no desire for same.

Intolerance

Why are gay people so intolerant of other minorities, such as transsexuals, and people who have their own gender-identities or no identities at all, or people who do not identify as human? Anon.

Huh? If a person doesn't identify as human, wouldn't you say they have a problem? If a friend of mine said he thought he was a ferret (and that's not a classification of gay bear) I think I would suggest he get professional counseling, wouldn't you? More on that below.

First of all, I don't think most gay people are intolerant of transsexuals. Yes, I've met a few gays who might have racist or anti-Semitic -- and transphobic -- feelings, people who would probably be homophobic if they weren't themselves gay (or who have issues with self-hatred) but most gays are very sympathetic to the transgendered. The "T" in GLBT stands for Transgendered, after all, and many gay people have worked with transsexuals to help them attain their rights and gain respect. They have always been included in the gay movement. Most gay groups insisted that they would not back the ENDA anti-discrimination bill unless it included transsexuals. This sparked a big debate in the gay community. But just because some gays felt that a bill covering transsexual rights should be separate and come later -- after the gay anti-discrimination bill passed -- didn't necessarily make them transphobic.

You're simply wrong that gays are intolerant of transsexuals. This doesn't mean gays identity with transsexuals to any great extent, as there is a big difference between being gay (attracted to your own sex) and being transsexual (feeling you are one sex mistakenly born into the body of the opposite sex). While some transsexuals are gay, many others are actually heterosexual, and some of them don't necessarily relate -- or even have tolerance for -- homosexuals. However, I believe most gays and transsexuals recognize that they are both viewed as "queers" by the intolerant, and may feel a certain kinship on that level, if nothing else. The gay experience is very different from the transgender experience, although they can be related in certain cases. In truth, the transsexual experience can be so foreign to gays and straights alike, that it's unfair to expect gay people to automatically understand it simply because they, too, are a minority.

Because we are discriminated against, many gay people bend over backwards to be progressive and tolerant toward everyone else -- but there's no unwritten rule that says we have to be, or that we have to accept every movement or fashionable notion, or think of every group as a misunderstood minority. Or that we don't have the right to cry foul if we spot homophobic attitudes among other minorities, including other sexual minorities.

As for gender-identification, I have mixed emotions about that. People have the right to present themselves or think of themselves as any gender they wish, or to be androgynous and gender-free if they choose. But sometimes the complete rejection of a gender role indicates that an individual may be deeply confused, unhappy with themselves, and full of self-loathing. In those cases, people should be encouraged to seek therapy from a therapist who has a positive attitude toward and knowledge of gay/transgender issues.

Lastly, if a person does not think of him or herself as even being human, that indicates a basic self-loathing that should definitely be addressed by a professional therapist.