Can a Boyfriend be Too Gay-Friendly?

It was very hard for me to write this, but i am going crazy and i need your opinion. First i have to start by telling you that i was raised in Mexico, in a very catholic, homophobic and conservative family. When i moved to the us i became an advocate for gay rights and gay marriage. i think it is a matter of being human regardless of your preferences; my best friend is gay and i do not consider myself  homophobic. I always dream of a man who would not be a patriarchal macho [type] and i found him. He is American. He comes from a super liberal family -his grandparents and parents are pro-abortion, pro-gay marriage etc- Although, i think i am very open minded this is still a shock to me; I could never dream of my grandparents being pro gay marriage. 


Long story short, my boyfriend is very liberal. He moved to another city and he has a gay roommate. I went to visit him not that long ago and his roommate mentioned that he'd like to date my boyfriend and he wants to marry him. When we walked around the city my boyfriend would point out at every gay-friendly place.  A long time ago, i told him that one of my girlfriends hooked up with a girl when she had a boyfriend, I remember  he told me that cheating is not cheating if is with the same sex, i told him that i disagree. For me cheating is cheating period. (it's about the violation of the trust) One time he visited me and we were mentioning that one of my housemates was gay, he said "there is nothing wrong with being bi curious;" i was too shocked and did not say anything.

I know two of his best friends are gay. One time at a party he was so drunk and him and his friend starting joking about my boyfriend eating this other guy's "c*m." i told him this bugged me and he just said that it was the way he got along with him. He is too comfortable being around gay men. I know this sounds horrible on my part. I intellectually understand, but emotionally i am dying. We have been dating for more than a year and he asked me to move in. I love him. I talked to my best friend about this and he as a gay man told me that my boyfriend -due to his family history- was in the perfect environment to come out since his  family is so supportive, loving, caring and open minded. His parent's best friends are a gay couple.  His parents and him  together watch shows like Will and Grace.

Now, he is not the macho type i am used to dating; he is sweet caring and loving, but this situation makes me so uncomfortable, i know he's gone to gay bars with his friends and his roommate often refers to him as his date. It makes me so jealous. Please help me, should i confront this? I love him so much i want him to be happy and he knows it.

best

anonymous.


Well, first of all, since you're so uncomfortable with this situation you have to eventually confront your boyfriend over what's going on in your mind. It's obvious that you're afraid he's attracted to men, and frankly, it sounds like he probably is.


Now understand that neither I nor anyone else can be certain of your boyfriend's sexuality without knowing him [and not even then] but I confess that one thing certainly jumped out at me, and that was this business that it really isn't cheating if your bed mate is of the same sex. This sounds as if your boyfriend could be setting you up for a situation in which you may be his main girlfriend [or even "beard'] while he has sex with guys on the side. 


So let's say that your boyfriend is at the very least bisexual [and keep in mind that the label "bisexual" is often a cop-out and inaccurate]. Being bisexual does not mean that a person has to have sex with both men and women, so even if he's bi and his preference is women [a big if] it is still cheating if he has sex with men. And why would you want a boyfriend who cheats on you with either sex?


There are other things to consider, however. Since you admit that most of your previous boyfriends were of the macho meat-head persuasion, you may find it hard to believe that a man can be sensitive, gentle, respectful of women etc. and be genuinely heterosexual, but such guys do exist. [Just as there are, sadly, macho meat-heads in the gay male community.] The fact that, unlike you, he grew up up in a liberal household may explain why he is comfortable with gay men.


So he could be a secure, open-minded straight guy who has no problem being friends with gay guys [good for him!] -- hence the joking around with his roommate that you find a little crass and disturbing -- or he could be a man who's wrestling with his sexuality or is keeping the full truth from you. One strange thing I've observed over the years is that people can be very open-minded on the subject of homosexuality when it comes to other people, but just the opposite when it comes to themselves or members of their family. [Which is why some parents who support gay rights nevertheless send junior to a psychiatrist if he tells them he likes guys and some gay-friendly guys have such trouble coming out themselves]. Also, men who consider themselves bi tend to tell gay men they like women but generally don't tell their wives and girlfriends that they like men. And while it's true that there's nothing necessarily wrong in being "bi-curious," there's a difference in being curious and having actual same-sex bed partners. 


So, you'll just have to sit your boyfriend down, explain what's bugging you, and ask him to be completely honest with you about his sexuality. If it turns out he's attracted to men, it doesn't make you homophobic if you're uncomfortable with that [especially if he thinks his having sex with men wouldn't be cheating!!!] and want to move on.

Lastly, if it turns out he is bi or gay, I must say I respect and admire any woman who can love a man enough to let him be happy with someone else.

Bi-Curious Boyfriend?

Dr. Bill,

I am a young, 22 year old female college student, who is dating a 21 year old male college student. We have been officially together for about 3 months and I have fallen deeply in love with him. I feel that with every ounce of my heart, that he could be "the one" for me, because he is remarkably caring and loving and loves me for who I am, flaws and all. The reason why this particularly important is because, in my past relationships, I have been psychologically and mentally abused that eventually led to physical abuse, which did not escalate to an invariable extreme as I was relatively quick to walk away from the relationships. When I first got to know my boyfriend, I really could say that I did not know what it was like to be completely cared for. He truly seeks to talk out our problems, be emotionally healthy, and to communicate maturely -- all characteristics that really fell short with my previous relationships. What I am trying to say by all this is that this relationship means a tremendous amount to me and my dreams of being happily married do not seem too far away with this guy -- a guy who I feel I truly connect with.

One example of this is the undeniable chemistry is in our sex life. We have amazing, gratifying, out-of-this-world sex. There is a balance in who receives and gives pleasure -- we both seek and get turned on when pleasuring each other, something I believe is key to a healthy sex life. But you may still be wondering where I am getting with all this, and I'll tell you now: something particularly sensitive got brought up DURING love making. He likes to have conversations during sex (something I thought was a tad strange at first, but I quickly got over it and started talking, too), usually about his love for me or a reasonable fantasy. This time, however, he brought up the subject of a threesome, something I have fantasized about myself, so I carried on the topic. He asked if I would prefer having a threesome involving two men and and me or one involving two females and him. I said both because I have fantasized of being pleasured by two men, and women because I have always lusted over a beautiful woman's body. He said he knew a friend (a guy whom I have met) who might be interested and if I would consider actually doing it. For the sake of resuming love making, I agreed, letting him know I am not officially agreeing to anything because this is something that needs to be thoroughly discussed, and hoped we would leave it at that. He then brought up if I would be comfortable with some homoeroticism. I was shocked, but tried to just move on and resumed love making, saying that we should talk about this afterwards. I really didn't display an adverse reaction, because at the same time I was shocked, I was reminding myself that I would like to be pretty open about our sexuality. Trying to think that was a harmless request, I didn't get upset about it and I actually said I would consider it, still thinking of my own fantasy.

I have not brought it up to him as of now, and have decided that I am not completely comfortable with that suggestion yet (this happened yesterday). But what I am most confused about is how I should go about his disclosure. I said that I would expect and trust that he would remain faithful to us beyond any sort of consensual sexual exploration of our fantasies, and I even asked if he ever thought of himself as gay or bisexual. He said it was merely a curiosity. So what I am left with is this: am I wrong to doubt his commitment to us, as he has openly expressed his desire to someday be married and have children? Am I overreacting because, I, who consider myself "straight" relationship-wise, would probably want a sexual encounter with a woman? Are we just moving too fast with our sexual explorations? I apologize if I went into too much detail, but I feel that most of it might be useful in factoring in an opinion. Please let me know if you have any questions that might further enhance your understanding of the matter. Thank you, Dr. Bill, for your time.

Sincerely,
Concerned

If you are "over-reacting," as you put it, it's a bit strange, because why worry if he wants to experiment in a homoerotic fashion when you want to do the same? Reading between the lines there seems the fear that one or both of you might be gay, and what that might mean for a future relationship. You also have to remember that "homoerotic" refers to relationships between two women as well as two men, so maybe your boyfriend is just one of these straight guys who for some reason is turned on by the thought of two women getting it on. Did he specifically mean "homoeroticism" involving him and another guy? More on that in a moment.

Right at the outset I would have to say that if you are interested in a sexual encounter with a woman the proper classification for you might be bisexual but not "straight." Heterosexuals might be curious about homoerotic relationships, but a desire to put it into practice indicates a genuine attraction to your own sex. There is still a lot that is unknown about bisexuality and its reality; I tend to think if people are overwhelmingly attracted to their own sex [if they're being completely honest with themselves], regardless of any attraction to the opposite sex, they are essentially gay. There are plenty who will disagree with me. If a bi person is much more attracted to the opposite sex, then I might say that they were bisexual, but I at least couldn't think of such a person as being totally straight.

Now that we've got that out of the way, it sounds to me as if your boyfriend might still be trying to find himself. Or it could be that he's simply interested in swinging -- and if you're not comfortable with this you need to let him know at the outset. You may figure you'll lose him if you don't go along with him, but do you really want a guy who's going to be "swinging" if you'd prefer a monogamous relationship? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the swinger's lifestyle; it just isn't for everyone. A man [or woman] can remain emotionally committed to his or her partner while maintaining a swinger's lifestyle, but if the partner isn't into this lifestyle he or she may simply feel continually betrayed or forced into scenes that really don't interest them.

I'd suggest what you should do now is sit down and talk to him [during a less, shall we say, hectic moment] and ask him more about this homoeroticism he expressed an interest in. Does he want you to get it on with a woman? Or does he want to get it on with a guy? Some bisexual men are really gay guys who just can't come fully to grips with their sexuality and come out. [If you scroll down you'll see how I feel about "mixed marriages" between gay and straight.] There have been many cases of women who have been in abusive relationships with brutish men finding comfort in the arms of a more gentle, sexually confused gay guy [not that all gay men are gentle, believe me].

If you have some attraction to women, don't let it throw you. It's perfectly okay to be gay or bi.
While I admit I can be cynical [realistic?] when it comes to male bisexuality, there are plenty of women who insist -- sometimes very loudly -- that they are genuinely bi and can have happy relationships with either sex. If you someday come to the conclusion that you'd be happier with a woman, there's absolutely nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.

College tends to be the age of sexual experimentation, and many people your age haven't quite figured out if they're gay, bi or what-have-you. There's no need to be in a rush. This young man may be the love of your life, or -- as Judge Judy would put it -- in five years you may not even remember what he looked like. [For the record, when I was in college I thought of myself as straight, then bi. A few years later I realized I was gay, and have been happy with it ever since.]

College is a period for exploring and thinking about what you want to do with the rest of your life. Keep your mind open to possibilities and share your thoughts and fears with this fellow, who in all likelihood is dealing with the same insecurities that you are.

Bi-curious Boyfriend?

Wondering if you can help. I consider myself to be a fairly open minded woman but have recently come to the realization that maybe I'm not. My problem is that I have been dating a great guy for the last six months. We have a great sex life and have no sexual issues. The other day my boyfriend left his email logged on and I started looking thru it. Yeah, yeah I know I shouldn't have invaded his privacy but I've got a few trust issues I'm working on. I found several emails that were from 3 years ago between him and another man and from a swinger couple. Of course I haven't confronted him with this and I probably won't but I'm wondering is it possible for a man to not be gay but have fantasies? Is there such a thing as someone who is curious, acted upon it and then not continued? I think he just had a few encounters. I'm just trying to decide if he could ever truly be satisfied with just me. I'm really not upset because we all have our secret fantasies. I've had fantasies of being with women just never acted upon it, I believe it is something we all secretly do. I could go on and on but I'm sure you know where I'm going with this. Thanks for you help. V

I wouldn't necessarily say that a heterosexual person could never indulge in homoerotic fantasies -- at least in a kind of "I wonder what it's like" sort of way -- but you seem to think that your boyfriend has gone way beyond that, which is a different story. I assume you base this on the emails he had with this man. A man whose had "a few encounters" with other men is not heterosexual.

Homosexuality isn't a phase or something you can switch on or off. Some men indulge in homosexual behavior and then stop not because they have lost these primal urges -- an attraction to other men -- but because they are giving in to feelings of shame or guilt; what we call "internalized homophobia." They want to lead a straight life without actually being straight. Some men like this repress their natural instincts -- which is not wise or healthy -- and others go on the "down low" for their homosexual encounters, hoping they will be discreet enough for the wife or girlfriend never to find out.

Bisexual advocates insist that some men are genuinely bisexual -- and your boyfriend would at the very least have to be put in this category -- but even then it's a question of which is his preference -- men or women? -- and if he's being entirely honest with himself about which it is. Some gay men go through a bisexual phase until they come to the honest conclusion that they are gay. If this happens early on it's one thing. If it happens after twenty years of marriage -- and this is not as uncommon as you might think -- that's another story.

I think women with bi, possibly gay, boyfriends have to get past this notion that their discomfort makes them narrow-minded or homophobic. It's a legitimate topic of concern. Who would want to marry a man who later comes out of the closet and needs to be with another man? What woman would want the man she loves to live a life of denial and dishonesty? Some women are just not comfortable with the fact that their boyfriends, gay or bi, are attracted to other men, just as most gay men are not comfortable with boyfriends who are [or at least say they are] attracted to women. [This is not misogyny or bigotry. It's just a turn off.]

While I would not suggest that you tell your boyfriend you were looking through his emails, you might on some occasion bring up the subject of swinging, bisexuality, etc when an opportunity arises. You might begin by admitting that you have fantasized about other women. [I'll let that pass for now because you were writing about your boyfriend.] It might lead into a frank and open discussion about his sexual orientation, or he might just give you a line of bull. Hopefully you know him well enough to be able to tell the difference.

GLBTQIBXYZ -- huh?

Hopefully you can answer this because I'm confused. I'm a small-town gay gal and I guess I don't get out much but when the hell did Gay Rights become GLBT or whatever the hell it is and what's up with GLBTXQBI and all the rest? And please tell me what on earth is "intersexed." Confused but happy old lesbian.

First of all, you're not old, baby, you're mature.

To answer your questions, Dr. Bill himself is not exactly certain when "GLBT" -- which means Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender -- came into being and replaced Good 'ol "Gay." I would guess it came into early use twenty years ago and become popularized about a decade ago (and in some cases has become inaccurately retroactive). There's a GLBT or LGBT center not far from my door in Manhattan which I sometimes call the Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato center. I do know that when people speak of the GLBT pride parade the year after Stonewall or in the seventies, eighties and even nineties, they're inaccurate. These were Gay Pride parades, plain and simple. Even today many people simply use "Gay Pride" as an umbrella term. Less unwieldly and more recognizable, for one thing. Plus the fact that gays and lesbians constitute the majority of GLBT members.

The early Gay Rights movement certainly did not automatically exclude lesbians (who are gay, of course), bisexuals or the transgendered (some of whom are gay), but I imagine some activists -- Dr. Bill was not consulted -- thought it would be more democratic to give all sexual minorities (although not all are actually included) equal billing. It was also thought that lumping all of us together -- the idea being that whatever group we belonged to we were all "queer" -- would add up to greater numbers and hence greater political power.

The sad truth is that a united GLBT -- outside of the world of political activists -- may be more of a concept than a reality. GLBT political activists are more likely to know and intermingle with members of the other groups, which is not true of the average, non-political gay person, so this idea of GLBT "togetherness" may be entirely artificial. What I mean is that being transsexual is a very different experience from being gay, and that many, many (mostly but not always non-political) gays still remain cynical about the very notion of bisexuality, believing -- rightly or wrongly -- that most bisexuals are just gays who for one reason or another can't come all the way out of the closet. [More on this on another post. Save your letters for later.]

For instance, political gays were quick to insist that trangenders be included in the ENDA non-discrimination bill, while the average gay person, if they knew about the bill at all (and without suggesting that they're all transphobic bigots) probably didn't give that much of a damn, not relating to transsexuals or even necessarily knowing what one was.

The feeling among many politically correct gays is that, being discriminated against themselves, they don't wish to discriminate, or even be thought of as possibly, accidentally, inadvertently discriminating, against anyone else (including heterosexuals, even the bigoted ones). Therefore we have some queer people who expand GLBT into GLBTQBI and so on and so on.

The "Q"stands for questioning, which I frankly think is pretty silly. Most gay people go through a questioning period, for Pete's sake; I doubt if genuinely heterosexual people really spend a lot of time wondering if they're gay or they're bi. I mean, you either get hot for your own sex or you don't; it's a given that most gays go through a certain period of confusion. (Oops, now we'll have to add a "C" for "confused.") I assume some gay groups don't want to scare off gay or transgender youths (and older people) who don't yet identify as gay or transgender.

The other "B" stands for Bi-Curious, which means someone who at least identifies as straight but may have some homosexual leanings or a certain curiosity about our sexuality or lifestyle. Again, this is a phase many gays go through. I hardly think of the "bicurious" as a legitimate minority group, but who knows?

"I" stands for Intersexed and brings us to the last part of your question. Intersexual is the modern term for the out-dated "hermaphrodite," but intersexed people do not have both male and female sexual organs; rather they have a commingling of the two. Parents of intersexed children choose a sex for their babies through surgery, but when these children are grown they can switch -- again, via surgery -- if they want to. There are a couple of hundred intersexed people in the US, and maybe a thousand or more worldwide. It's a question if this is a minority group or simply a group of people who have the same medical condition. Intersexed people aren't necessarily homosexual, but as I've said many activists don't want to exclude anyone and of course no one wants intersexed people to be discriminated against, although if they are it may be because they are perceived as being gay or transsexual -- since most people don't know what "intersexed" means any more than you do.

The premise of being all-inclusive, while possibly noble, can get a little ridiculous at times. On one gay -- I mean, GLBT -- message board, someone actually suggested that "F" for "furries" be added to GLBT .... ! "Furries" are people who like to dress up as animal cartoon characters. Some of them feel marginalized and therefore think of themselves as being a put-upon minority group.

A certain percentage of "furries" are undoubtedly gay, transgender etc. but on this same message board I suggested that if we added "F" to GLBT we should also add an "H" for fans of The Honeymooners TV show who attend conventions (like furries do), who are gay, and who may feel marginalized because they eat too much or because people tell them they should have more productive ways of spending their time. [Don't get me wrong. I love Jackie Gleason and The Honeymooners but I can't see going to a convention ... oh, well.]

But my dear mature lesbian friend, don't fret too much over all this. Many of these people who are adding all these letters to GLBT are very young and will learn in time. In the meantime, I think it's kind of nice that they don't want anyone to feel left out, eh?