Bi-Curious Boyfriend?

Dr. Bill,

I am a young, 22 year old female college student, who is dating a 21 year old male college student. We have been officially together for about 3 months and I have fallen deeply in love with him. I feel that with every ounce of my heart, that he could be "the one" for me, because he is remarkably caring and loving and loves me for who I am, flaws and all. The reason why this particularly important is because, in my past relationships, I have been psychologically and mentally abused that eventually led to physical abuse, which did not escalate to an invariable extreme as I was relatively quick to walk away from the relationships. When I first got to know my boyfriend, I really could say that I did not know what it was like to be completely cared for. He truly seeks to talk out our problems, be emotionally healthy, and to communicate maturely -- all characteristics that really fell short with my previous relationships. What I am trying to say by all this is that this relationship means a tremendous amount to me and my dreams of being happily married do not seem too far away with this guy -- a guy who I feel I truly connect with.

One example of this is the undeniable chemistry is in our sex life. We have amazing, gratifying, out-of-this-world sex. There is a balance in who receives and gives pleasure -- we both seek and get turned on when pleasuring each other, something I believe is key to a healthy sex life. But you may still be wondering where I am getting with all this, and I'll tell you now: something particularly sensitive got brought up DURING love making. He likes to have conversations during sex (something I thought was a tad strange at first, but I quickly got over it and started talking, too), usually about his love for me or a reasonable fantasy. This time, however, he brought up the subject of a threesome, something I have fantasized about myself, so I carried on the topic. He asked if I would prefer having a threesome involving two men and and me or one involving two females and him. I said both because I have fantasized of being pleasured by two men, and women because I have always lusted over a beautiful woman's body. He said he knew a friend (a guy whom I have met) who might be interested and if I would consider actually doing it. For the sake of resuming love making, I agreed, letting him know I am not officially agreeing to anything because this is something that needs to be thoroughly discussed, and hoped we would leave it at that. He then brought up if I would be comfortable with some homoeroticism. I was shocked, but tried to just move on and resumed love making, saying that we should talk about this afterwards. I really didn't display an adverse reaction, because at the same time I was shocked, I was reminding myself that I would like to be pretty open about our sexuality. Trying to think that was a harmless request, I didn't get upset about it and I actually said I would consider it, still thinking of my own fantasy.

I have not brought it up to him as of now, and have decided that I am not completely comfortable with that suggestion yet (this happened yesterday). But what I am most confused about is how I should go about his disclosure. I said that I would expect and trust that he would remain faithful to us beyond any sort of consensual sexual exploration of our fantasies, and I even asked if he ever thought of himself as gay or bisexual. He said it was merely a curiosity. So what I am left with is this: am I wrong to doubt his commitment to us, as he has openly expressed his desire to someday be married and have children? Am I overreacting because, I, who consider myself "straight" relationship-wise, would probably want a sexual encounter with a woman? Are we just moving too fast with our sexual explorations? I apologize if I went into too much detail, but I feel that most of it might be useful in factoring in an opinion. Please let me know if you have any questions that might further enhance your understanding of the matter. Thank you, Dr. Bill, for your time.

Sincerely,
Concerned

If you are "over-reacting," as you put it, it's a bit strange, because why worry if he wants to experiment in a homoerotic fashion when you want to do the same? Reading between the lines there seems the fear that one or both of you might be gay, and what that might mean for a future relationship. You also have to remember that "homoerotic" refers to relationships between two women as well as two men, so maybe your boyfriend is just one of these straight guys who for some reason is turned on by the thought of two women getting it on. Did he specifically mean "homoeroticism" involving him and another guy? More on that in a moment.

Right at the outset I would have to say that if you are interested in a sexual encounter with a woman the proper classification for you might be bisexual but not "straight." Heterosexuals might be curious about homoerotic relationships, but a desire to put it into practice indicates a genuine attraction to your own sex. There is still a lot that is unknown about bisexuality and its reality; I tend to think if people are overwhelmingly attracted to their own sex [if they're being completely honest with themselves], regardless of any attraction to the opposite sex, they are essentially gay. There are plenty who will disagree with me. If a bi person is much more attracted to the opposite sex, then I might say that they were bisexual, but I at least couldn't think of such a person as being totally straight.

Now that we've got that out of the way, it sounds to me as if your boyfriend might still be trying to find himself. Or it could be that he's simply interested in swinging -- and if you're not comfortable with this you need to let him know at the outset. You may figure you'll lose him if you don't go along with him, but do you really want a guy who's going to be "swinging" if you'd prefer a monogamous relationship? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the swinger's lifestyle; it just isn't for everyone. A man [or woman] can remain emotionally committed to his or her partner while maintaining a swinger's lifestyle, but if the partner isn't into this lifestyle he or she may simply feel continually betrayed or forced into scenes that really don't interest them.

I'd suggest what you should do now is sit down and talk to him [during a less, shall we say, hectic moment] and ask him more about this homoeroticism he expressed an interest in. Does he want you to get it on with a woman? Or does he want to get it on with a guy? Some bisexual men are really gay guys who just can't come fully to grips with their sexuality and come out. [If you scroll down you'll see how I feel about "mixed marriages" between gay and straight.] There have been many cases of women who have been in abusive relationships with brutish men finding comfort in the arms of a more gentle, sexually confused gay guy [not that all gay men are gentle, believe me].

If you have some attraction to women, don't let it throw you. It's perfectly okay to be gay or bi.
While I admit I can be cynical [realistic?] when it comes to male bisexuality, there are plenty of women who insist -- sometimes very loudly -- that they are genuinely bi and can have happy relationships with either sex. If you someday come to the conclusion that you'd be happier with a woman, there's absolutely nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.

College tends to be the age of sexual experimentation, and many people your age haven't quite figured out if they're gay, bi or what-have-you. There's no need to be in a rush. This young man may be the love of your life, or -- as Judge Judy would put it -- in five years you may not even remember what he looked like. [For the record, when I was in college I thought of myself as straight, then bi. A few years later I realized I was gay, and have been happy with it ever since.]

College is a period for exploring and thinking about what you want to do with the rest of your life. Keep your mind open to possibilities and share your thoughts and fears with this fellow, who in all likelihood is dealing with the same insecurities that you are.

Bi Questions

Hello Bill. I'm not sure if I'm asking you this in the right place, but I'll go ahead and give it a shot anyway. I'm 22 years old and have always been very attracted to females and males. I recently just came to the conclusion that I don't have to be completely straight and can meet girls and go on dates with them. Well, it's been a few months, I've met a lot of females and I'm growing sick of all the games. I don't have a boyfriend, nor do I have the desire for one at the moment, but I'm starting to think that I like men a lot more. Do you think it's possible that I could be bisexual but just haven't met a female that I feel comfortable with? Also, it seems to me that you don't believe in bisexuality. Would I be correct? I have had a boyfriend who was very obviously bi and, yet, still very much in love with me. I can tell you they exist and isn't always a case of "internalized homosexuality", although I do agree this does happen. Thanks!

First, I've never said that bisexuality doesn't exist. Certainly I've met quite a few men and women over the years who, for one reason or another, become sexually and romantically involved with members of both sexes. The only thing I've pointed out is that this doesn't necessarily add up to true bisexuality in many cases. For instance, if a man gets married to a woman because he can't deal with his homosexual feelings, but he is mostly or exclusively attracted [if he's honest with himself] to men, is he is bisexual or a homosexual living a straight lie/life? Some people would classify any gay man who's had any interaction with a woman whatsoever, no matter how fleeting, as a bisexual, while others feel as I do, that a man can have interactions with women -- sometimes many and long-lasting interactions -- while being essentially homosexual. It can sometimes just be a question of semantics.

Notice I'm talking about gay/bi men. I have never pretended to be an expert in female sexuality, but I'll give your question a stab in any case. [First I'll just say in regards to the boyfriend you mention that there is a difference in loving someone and being in love with them with an all-consuming passion. Many men can feign a romantic and passionate interest in a woman -- almost as though they feel if they pretend hard enough it will come true -- while still being essentially homosexual. Not saying that's the case with the fellow you mention, but it does happen. Many homosexual men with wives truly do love their wives -- but more as "bffs" than as lovers they feel strong sexual passion and romantic attachment towards.]

You mention games. I have to tell you that people, especially during the dating stages, do seem to play games [a lot of this is simply that people develop feelings for one another while still being uncertain if a particular person is "the one"] and it happens among both women and men regardless of their sexual orientation. It may be that you simply haven't met the "right" woman or that it's just too soon for you to feel entirely comfortable at the thought of a relationship with someone of your own sex. Someone can be very open-minded and liberal intellectually on the subject of same-sex relationships, and still feel a bit queasy inside when it comes to their actuality.

Don't sweat it. If you are honestly attracted to both men and women, don't worry about preferences for now. Keep the door and your mind open to any and all possibilities. Lesbians/bi women don't "play games" any more than straight/bi -- or gay -- men [or women] do. Once you recognize deep down in your heart -- whatever you may think you feel now -- that a same-sex relationship is as genuine and valid as any other kind, you'll be open to exploring this option in a positive and rewarding manner.

Best of luck!

Bisexual or Lesbian?

I'm a lesbian in her mid-thirties. I have a platonic friend -- a woman -- who says she is bisexual. If that were really the case, it would be one thing. But she keeps saying things that make me wonder if she just hates the whole notion of being gay and needs to appear straight to the world. She says her preference is definitely other women, but that she's afraid to have a gay relationship, yet at the same time she says she envies the relationship I have with my lover. I have no problem with her being bisexual, but I'm afraid that her relationships with men -- she says she's never had a satisfying one -- will always disappoint her. When I try -- tactfully -- to talk to her about this she just gets angry and accuses me of being biphobic. What can I do? HJ

I'm tempted to say you can leave me out of it -- my God I know how touchy some bisexuals or at least wannabee bisexuals can be -- but since you've asked I do have some advice.

Bisexuality -- or what passes for same [more on this on another post] -- seems to be far more commonplace among women than men. Let's say for argument's sake that many of these women are truly, genuinely bisexual [especially those who are equally attracted to both sexes]. However, it stands to reason that a certain percentage, however large, are not bisexual but gay.

For instance. A bi-identified woman once said that she didn't like the term bisexual, but couldn't call herself a lesbian because [italics mine] once in a blue moon she was attracted to a man.

Of course "once in a blue moon" means "hardly ever," and if a woman is "hardly ever" attracted to a man, she's not bisexual, she's gay.

I know there are bisexual advocates who will howl to the moon over this. They think anyone who for any reason or on any occasion ever slept with both sexes is automatically bisexual. Therefore, my school boy/college day fumblings with the opposite sex make me bisexual. I don't think so.

Some of this is simply internalized homophobia [which some people try to deflect by claiming anyone who disagrees with them is "biphobic" -- throwing it all back onto the big, bad gay person, you see]. Some people -- like your girlfriend -- just don't want to be gay. The problem is they're attracted to their own sex and they just can't deal with it. Whatever small attraction they have to the opposite sex is blown entirely out of proportion and turned into genuine bisexuality, which it isn't. [Again, this is not to say there aren't genuine bisexuals.]

I believe there are many, many women who are in this self-hating category. [And don't get me started on the men!] Here's just a quick sample of genuine comments I came across on the Internet from some bi-identified women .

"I am more attracted to women than I am to men ... one woman I was with was the best sex ever..... but I am married to a man and very happy... but if I ever divorce I will never have another man I will go full lesbian..... women are the best!!"

Okay. I don't think I really need to comment on that, anyone over eight can read between the lines.

"I'm with a man now. I'm afraid of getting too emotionally close to women friends in case I fall in love with them."

This is another one that needs no comment.

The women who made these comments are not true bisexuals, they're very confused and conflicted lesbians, which is probably true of your friend. They don't even realize how their own words give them away. I've no doubt it's along the same lines with your friend.

The trouble is that some irresponsible bisexual advocates have made it impossible for these women to accept the truth about themselves, because -- as you discovered -- if you try to tell them they're not bisexual they'll tell you you're being "biphobic" -- and immediately end all discussion. [Frankly, I think in some ways it's a shame that some bisexuals think of themselves as a totally separate sexual minority. Gay people are not to blame for that.]

All you can do is keep trying in your own tactful way to get through to her. Don't insist that you're right, simply tell her what's on your mind, suggesting that she just possibly, conceivably, might be, could be a lesbian, and what the hell would be wrong with that? Point out to her that you're a good person, that you're happy being gay, that she's even said she envies the relationship you have with your lover. Suggest she get counseling.

If will be like walking on egg shell, but give it a try. If she becomes too implacable or nasty or just closes her ears to you with finality, if she becomes downright homophobic with you [not without precedent] well, then, give it up. You can help some people, but others just don't want to listen. You'll just have to hope that she'll be able to get past all the bisexual identity politics and internalized homophobia and work it out on her own.

Good luck!