Who's "Macho" and Who Isn't

I know that some gay men are effeminate and others aren't. What is the difference? Are the gay men who sleep with women, who are bisexual, more masculine than men who just sleep with other men?

Well, I would have to say definitely not, and not just judging by the number of "big queens" I've met who have or have had girlfriends or insist they're bisexual.

Most gay men are not stereotypical, and their outward demeanor -- be it butch or femme -- generally provides no clue to what they do in bed or whom they prefer to sleep with. There are "queeny" guys who are Tops, and very masculine men who are Bottoms. Macho guys who only sleep with guys, and not-so-macho men who [want to] sleep with other men but have wives or girlfriends.

In other words, it's a highly individual matter. In general, men who identify as bisexual -- rightly or wrongly -- do not have a more masculine demeanor than guys who identify as gay. Some, unfortunately, think they are more masculine because of the out-dated, pre-Stonewall thinking that says a man isn't a man unless he has sex with women. I don't need to comment on how tiresome and self-defeating that attitude is, but it does account for the "bisexual" label more often than many would like to admit.

Gay or Not?

Dear Bill, I been with my boyfriend for almost a year and I am now pregnant. I been having problems with him texting females. After a recent break up, I was getting on my computer and I noticed his Gmail account was still up so I decided to go through it. While going through it, I saw a message, what I thought was from a female website, but turned out to be a bi/gay website. His name was very intimate like he had been on a gay website before. And I saw where a guy sent him his number and he replied OK. Since he is very secretive and protective over his phone, I'm not sure if he ever contacted the guy. I immediately called his sister, and later she asked him about it in a deep conversation and he said he didn't have a Gmail account then later replied that maybe someone hacked his name. If it were hacked then why was he logged on to my computer with that exact profile?? He later stated that he was gonna commit suicide. So we got back together but I can't think of him as the same guy. He is not a very sensitive person, he is more thuggish actually. I don't notice too much homophobia coming from him. I'm scared to ask why he was on that website so I don't know what to do. I do love him but I can't be with him if he likes men. It's one thing to cheat with a woman but its another level to cheat with a man. I need your help. 

It's very difficult to be with someone who keeps secrets with you and isn't honest about himself. He is probably struggling to accept his attraction to men, and unable to admit it to others just yet. If you haven't done so already, you have to sit him down and with love and sympathy and in a non-judgmental way, ask him some tough questions. You're absolutely right that it is a whole different level if a man cheats on his wife or girlfriend with men, because that indicates that he might well be gay and should have a male partner. You have a right to know what's going on with the guy and the truth about his sexual orientation. If he is gay, or a possibly bisexual man whose preference -- if he's totally honesty with himself -- is men, then a long-term relationship with him becomes problematic.

There are "macho" -- or as you put it -- thuggish men who are gay and who are ashamed of and embarrassed by it. They often seek out women to use as beards (cover-ups) and to sleep with to prove they are "men." Their attitudes are, sadly, very out of date, but there are many guys like this still around. Hopefully he can learn to accept himself and could probably use some counseling. It's tough for you to have a gay boyfriend, but hopefully both of you can agree to care for your child while moving on with more appropriate partners.

Gay Fiance?

I am a single mother of two have always been nervous to bring any man around my children. When I finally let my now fiancé into our lives he is great with my kids; so good to me. I have noticed him make comments here and there about... one time he got some nudie pictures over a text of a man who "supposedly" thought he was sending pictures to a woman he met at a club. She must have given him a wrong number my guy replied. I can believe that b/c I have given a persistent annoying man a fake number when I was a teen because he just wouldn't stop bothering me.

Anyway.. my bf (at the time) said he thought it would be funny to mess w/ him & send him a picture of his "below" & ask if male sender was interested in some "di*k".... sending as in a joking matter but to come across as real. My fiance also said he got a little graphic with his wording.

Another red flag; some of his coworkers from construction jobs call each other baby or princess but mostly baby. He said they just like to mess around w/ each other calling each other "winey" but when he talks to them on the phone his ending notes are usually alright baby or hey baby.

If you can help me I would be so grateful. I really care for my fiance & my kids adore him. He just asked for my hand a couple weeks ago but if he is into men I would rather just be close friends like family in a way because I don't want my kids to be hurt from any of this if he is into men;. Plus I do deserve to protect myself & my children's feelings. I am a open minded personality, never judgemental & very excepting but I don't know the questions to ask to get a answer w/o making him nervous or upset.

I did confront him before & his reaction is to laugh it off but in a awkward way & with answering no babe I'm not gay. What are good questions to ask; do you think he could be into men? How can I go about this? I would support him no matter what he is but I don't want to start my life w/ him based on a lie.

Thank you for your time & help Dr. Bill

Let's look at why you think your fiancé might be gay. First we've got the business of him calling other guys baby, but that's hardly what I call a red flag. Lots of guys do that. [I call everybody baby but that's another story.] I'm talking about straight guys. "Hey, baby" is just an expression, and I wouldn't think it relates to sexual orientation at all.

Now we got the business with his receiving nude pictures of a man. It could have been an accident. His sending a photo of his penis to this guy is a little "out there," but it could be that your fiancé has a weird sense of humor. It's probably not the brightest thing he ever did.

I suggest reading my post "Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay" if you haven't already. Sometime the best way to lead into a discussion of sexual orientation is to start with current events, such as the debate over gay marriage. Ask him if he's for or against, then you can delve into things more deeply as the conversation progresses.

Bi Boyfriend -- or Gay?

Hi "Dr." Bill,

 

I have a slightly different version of the "Is My Boyfriend Gay/Bi" question. I thought my friend X was gay because a mutual friend of ours told me he was. My friend also said that X identified as bisexual, but he didn't believe he was really interested in women. Anyway, I thought X was gay until we kissed one night and he started asking me out. Long story short--we've been dating for a few months, and let's just say that if X doesn't like women, he does a screamingly good job of faking it (hope that's not TMI).

 

My problem is I feel like X is trying to hide things from me. He gets really cagey when talking about certain male friends, and he recently went on a 5 day trip to visit an old friend who is openly gay. X can talk for an hour straight about what he had for dinner last night, but when I ask him about his trip, he clams up.

 

What I want to do is look X in the eye and say, "Are you bi? Because you wouldn't be the first bisexual guy I've dated, and to be honest, I think man love is hot. Now we're still in the early stages of this relationship where this could go anywhere. We could be exclusive, we could have an open relationship, you could have protected sex with guys and come home to me and describe it in filthy detail...the possibilities are endless. What I'm NOT open to is being with someone who hides a big part of their identity, or someone who acts like he wants monogamy when he really doesn't."

 

I really care about X and I want him in my life. Whether we work best as friends, partners, fwb, or other remains to be seen. But I can't get too far with any if these if I feel like he's hiding things from me.

 

...Help? 

Frankly, it sounds to me like this guy is one of these "bisexuals" who is basically gay but too ashamed to do much more than screw men on the sly while having a girlfriend to show to the world. These guys usually tell the men they get involved with that they like women, but rarely tell the women they are involved with that they like guys. [And gay men are perfectly capable of being good in bed with women; it's just not their preference.]I suggest you say to X exactly what you say in your question, if you haven't already.

But I have two thoughts [and keep in mind that I've been accused of being politically incorrect when it comes to the subject of bisexuality.] Bisexual men tend to be homosexual men who are ashamed of being gay and need women to a) make themselves feel more macho [along the lines of "real men fuck women"] and b) to provide a heterosexual front for themselves. Why give yourself this hassle? While it's great that you, as you say, find man-sex sexy and all that, why take a chance that your "bi" boyfriend will come to accept he's gay and/or develop romantic feelings for one of his playmates [whether he's gay or bi].

Lastly, I also have to say that there are a lot more straight men than gay men in the world, so why not leave the gay/bi guys alone for other men, LOL?

Best, Bill

Straight or Not?

hello Dr Bill, 

I have been dating my bf for almost two years. Our relationship is PERFECT and we love each other very much. he's 31 and I'm 25. My only problem is that i have concerns that he might be gay.. or curious! 2 years ago, before we dated he told me that "no straight man can ever say he has never been attracted to a gay before, even just once".. since then i have always been very careful to see any other gay signs, which has been throughout our whole relationship. Last night we were watching a TV show and a clear gay scene popped up, a straight guy was flirting with a gay guy, and during that scene, I saw him quickly rub his dick in a very fast motion for about 5 seconds and then let go of it. what does this mean? Was he turned on by the scene? Is he gay? the last time i told him he's gay, he got very angry and broke up with me for a few hours. PLEASE HELP ME OUT!! I don't want to waste my time with him if he is a closet gay: we already have plans of getting married after i get my degree. He is a Tall Masculine man, which might be one of the reasons why he wouldn't want to "come out"! 

Well, there are still a great many men who are conflicted about their sexuality, and embarrassed by their sexual and romantic feelings for other men, but I can't say positively one way or the other about this fellow. Some men who are attracted to men will do or say absolutely anything to convince themselves that they're, deep down, heterosexual, including saying that "no straight men can say he was never attracted to a [gay] man," which sounds like he's justifying or trying to explain his feelings for men. He could be repressed as well as closeted. If you discuss it with him never simply tell him he's gay, or accuse him of it in a judgmental manner. Be sympathetic. If he's gay you both need to know so you can each move on into new relationships. You can start the discussion by, say, talking about the gay marriage debate, or saying you have a friend whose boyfriend might be gay. And see what happens.

Gay -- or Commitment Phobic?

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost two years.  When we began dating he knew that I had two children, and he was very happy being in their lives. After a year and a half he decided he wanted to move in with me and my children and everything seemed to be fine however, during the last month of our relationship when he got drunk and he and I would have sex he’d ask me to stick my finger in his anus and he would only ask when he was drunk. Because when he was sober he said he was too embarrassed to talk about it. Now his best friend became single and he began hanging out with his best friend and one day he came home to tell me that he was having doubts about him, not me. I asked him if he was confused about his sexuality; he said no. When he left he told me he couldn't see me for a while because if he did he knew he would want to come back home and stay with me. Now him and his best friend are always together and are always hanging out, and they cannot be separated. He has no children and when he left he said he wasn’t sure if he wanted children or a family. So I decided to shut him out completely and when I did he said “I need you in my life, you're more than an ex-girlfriend; If I ever date again which I don’t think I will I believe I will be a lonely old man, I will always need you in my life" and now to make matters worse he feels the need to play a stepfather role in my children’s lives but he never speaks about us getting back together. We email and text a lot and he seems to be hanging on to what I don't know.

Well, to be honest, there's not a lot to go on here when it comes to the question of your ex-boyfriend's sexuality. Yes, most straight men [and a lot of gay men] don't want a finger up their anus, but that isn't a definite indication of homosexuality. Neither is his hanging out with his best friend all the time -- straight guys often do hang out with their buddies, it just depends on exactly what they're doing together ... If you had actually caught him in bed with a guy, looking at gay porn, or something. From what you say he might be a gay man struggling with his sexuality, trying to come to terms with an attraction for men while striving to be "straight" with a woman who is not quite a girlfriend anymore. He obviously feels or needs some connection to you. But it's also a possibility that he cares about you but isn't ready for a full commitment or long-term relationship. In other words, commitment-phobia.

I recognize that you feel as if you're in limbo. You have strong feelings for this man but he's sending all kinds of mixed messages. He wants to keep you as a friend but I suspect it would be too painful and disorienting for you to do the same as far as he is concerned, especially as you want him to be the main man in your life. Sit him down or email him and tell him all this, let out all of your feelings. In a non-judgmental way ask him again about his sexuality. Does he never want to date again or does he never want to date women? If he can't or refuses to give you some satisfactory answers to these questions, I would tell him that your door is closed and move on! Best, Bill