Straight or Not?

hello Dr Bill, 

I have been dating my bf for almost two years. Our relationship is PERFECT and we love each other very much. he's 31 and I'm 25. My only problem is that i have concerns that he might be gay.. or curious! 2 years ago, before we dated he told me that "no straight man can ever say he has never been attracted to a gay before, even just once".. since then i have always been very careful to see any other gay signs, which has been throughout our whole relationship. Last night we were watching a TV show and a clear gay scene popped up, a straight guy was flirting with a gay guy, and during that scene, I saw him quickly rub his dick in a very fast motion for about 5 seconds and then let go of it. what does this mean? Was he turned on by the scene? Is he gay? the last time i told him he's gay, he got very angry and broke up with me for a few hours. PLEASE HELP ME OUT!! I don't want to waste my time with him if he is a closet gay: we already have plans of getting married after i get my degree. He is a Tall Masculine man, which might be one of the reasons why he wouldn't want to "come out"! 

Well, there are still a great many men who are conflicted about their sexuality, and embarrassed by their sexual and romantic feelings for other men, but I can't say positively one way or the other about this fellow. Some men who are attracted to men will do or say absolutely anything to convince themselves that they're, deep down, heterosexual, including saying that "no straight men can say he was never attracted to a [gay] man," which sounds like he's justifying or trying to explain his feelings for men. He could be repressed as well as closeted. If you discuss it with him never simply tell him he's gay, or accuse him of it in a judgmental manner. Be sympathetic. If he's gay you both need to know so you can each move on into new relationships. You can start the discussion by, say, talking about the gay marriage debate, or saying you have a friend whose boyfriend might be gay. And see what happens.

Drinking to Deal with Gay Feelings?

Hi Dr. Bill:

I really hope you may have some input into my situation. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.

I am 27, he is 41. We met 4 years ago in night school.  I asked him out but we never officially went on a date. We just studied together for a couple of  years. The first time we attempted to have sex, he was drunk and "it" didn't work. He got really angry. We tried again a couple weeks later and same thing. So, in two years we have never had sex. (well maybe once for like a couple seconds before he lost his erection). We now live and are in business together; he is always there for me emotionally and financially but I want to know what I have gotten into so I can figure out my life.

I can walk around naked and he doesn't bat an eye. He never touches me sexually. We hold hands, cuddle, kiss (no tongue). He does not have stereotypical signs that he's gay. I have gone down on him a couple of times (that he let me, he usually says he's tired or pushes me away), and every time he would just lay there and close his eyes. Afterwards, he would say thank you and continue doing whatever it was before (reading, TV, etc.) He has never reciprocated. I can masturbate in bed next to him and it doesn't phase him. He says to do whatever I need to do.

I have asked him if he was gay, and he says no. He said that when we met he wasn't ready for a girlfriend and so I had to give him time. I tell him I want passion and he says he does too and that it will come but we need to do X,Y, Z first. It seems to me that if it isn't there now, it never will be. He always is talking about how old he is. I think he is really depressed but won't talk about it with anyone. He self medicates with alcohol and passes out at bedtime every night. Maybe it is just the depression and drinking that is making him have no sexual drive whatsoever?

I found regular porn on his computer (nothing blatantly gay). I don't think he masturbates... not really sure. He doesn't ever want to shower with me. He pushes me away if I try to make a move. He gets angry if I get upset about the whole no sex thing and yells that he does so much for me and all I care about is getting "fucked". I am not sure he knows the difference b/t fucking and love making although not sure b/c I have no first hand experience with him.

He is a VERY PRIVATE person and doesn't want anyone to know anything about him.

He has a temper and tends to blow up about the stupidest things. He has come to counseling with me and tells the counselor everything is fine. She told me she had pretty good gaydar but has no clue about him.

He cries during movies. He tells me he loves me. He sits in front of his computer all day.... Many more things I am sure, but I'm getting long winded.

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated when you get a chance. Thank you! Oh, I just want to say that I am completely ok if he is gay (which I have told him). I would still stay with him, I would just see people on the side and start filing out the adoption paperwork. :)


Okay, first I have to ask, why on earth would you stay with this guy if he's gay? That wouldn't be fair for either one of you. You need a man who can respond to you with full passion and commitment, and if this guy is gay he needs a man. Women who stay with gay boyfriends and husbands in sham relationships are doing neither themselves nor their men any favors. It's not 1950 when some women wrongly believed their gay husbands could "change." And why should they in any case? Staying in business together is one thing, but anything else wouldn't be advisable. If this guy is gay he needs to realize it, accept it, and deal with it, or he'll just keep drinking and be miserable.

That being said, this man's heavy drinking and his impotence could definitely be related, and he may push you away because he's embarrassed by the impotence. Alcohol consumption can certainly lead to "equipment failure." A 41-year-old man is not that old and certainly does not have to be impotent, and this would be the case even if he were twenty or thirty years older. [Impotence is rarely related to age.] His self-consciousness over his impotence may just as likely be his reason for avoiding sex as the possibility that he's gay.

I've caught no blatant red flags in what you've told me. Being sensitive and crying at sad movies does not add up to homosexuality, [As I've said many times, we need to get past stereotypes. There are sensitive and cultured straight men just as there are gay men who are insensitive and uncultured.] As for his counselor and her "gaydar," often that only means that a person doesn't conform to gay stereotypes. Since this is true of the vast majority of gay people, "gaydar" is relatively meaningless.

Some people have a very low sex drive or are even asexual for any number of reasons [depression would certainly be one of them]. There are now people who claim they were born without any sexual desire, and can only have romantic feelings for other people; the jury is still out on this claim and there's been much debate over the subject, but I mention this only as another possibility. 

Heavy drinking can be a sign that someone is deeply unsatisfied with his life and the way things have turned out. Could this guy be struggling with sexual identity? -- possibly, but I'd need a lot more to go on. It could be a mid-life crisis. He also could feel stressed out because you are younger than him. The forties is when people start to feel that they are getting older, and some people don't deal with it as well as others. In any case, getting drunk every day is not normal nor healthy, and can lead to much worse problems than impotence, such as liver and heart troubles. The cause of his drinking, be it bona fide alcoholism or just something he doesn't want to deal with, hence the anesthesia, has to be determined. It could be turmoil over repressed gay feelings or any number of other things. [Is his family liberal, pro-gay, homophobic, deeply religious? Often these are factors in whether a not a person can accept their homosexuality.]

Adding to your frustration is that this doesn't sound like a guy who wants to talk about his feelings, leaving you at sea and emotionally impotent. It's good that you're both going to counseling and perhaps some day a breakthrough will occur.

For now it sounds like you'll have to settle for companionship, which is better than nothing, but, frankly, it's not the real deal, which is what everyone deserves. If there's ever a time when he's more receptive, you might sit him down and start to discuss some of these issues in a non-judgmental way and maybe you'll have a breakthrough.

In the meantime, you might consider that hitching your wagon, so to speak, to a man who starts drinking at four every day and goes to bed blitzed every night, is problematic to say the least. If this keeps up, in five years he will look and act ten to twenty years older than he is or more, and will have developed very serious health issues.

Gay Porn on the Computer

Hi Bill, I am worrying myself for days since I found some links to a gay porn site on my and my boyfriend's computer. We have been living together for half a year and we are in a relationship for almost five years. I have never noticed he's into men in the past. However, we haven't had sex properly in so long that I don't even remember for how long. I suspected that he is cheating on me with another woman because he is chatting with a lot of girls on his facebook profile. A few days ago I even tried to talk with him about our problem and asked him if he is gay. He replied negatively and said that we both caused the situation we are in and have to work on it in the future. I was afraid to bring up the porn site. Today I saw that he went to that site again and I asked if he was watching it. He smiled at me and said no. I noticed he's visiting that site for a few months and has a username, " ----"  that makes me think he's confused about his sexual orientation. However, every time he visited the gay site he also visited heterosexual sites. I really need some help cause I don't know how to talk to him about that.

Well there are people that will tell you that straight guys have various reasons for looking at gay porn, but the number one reason is that they aren't straight. If he has some legitimate reason for looking at gay porn, why doesn't he discuss it openly with you? I also suspect that what you refer to as a porn site is actually a gay dating site with sexy and naked pictures of men on it. If he has registered on that site and has a user name it is probably because he wants to hook up with guys for sex, the chief purpose of those sites. 

You need to confront him on this issue in a non-accusatory and non-judgmental way. He may be going back and forth from gay and straight sites to try to convince himself he isn't gay, he could be bisexual [or at least thinks he is, but remember that most bi guys have a preference and it generally isn't women], or he's simply attracted to men but has ambivalent feelings about it. Does he come from a liberal background or a conservative one? How does he feel about gay people?

I suggest you tell him that you have a friend who is afraid her boyfriend is gay. This will start a discussion without necessarily focusing on him. Or at least talk about gay marriage, a hot topic, and see what his reaction is. There are men who are secretly homosexual, who seek out male sex partners, but who are so ashamed of it that they become quite homophobic and speak out against gay people in strongly negative terms, and that's usually a red flag. So is looking at gay porn and signing up with gay sex/dating sites. And so is not having any sex with your girlfriend for a long, long time. 

Some men in this position think that they aren't cheating on their wives or girlfriends if their sex partners are male, but of course that isn't the case. You also have to be concerned about whether or not he is using condoms during his possible past or future sex hook ups.

There is a strong possibility that your boyfriend is trying to come to terms with his homosexuality, and may even be struggling to come out or find some way to talk to you about it. You can help if you can get him to open up while being sympathetic.

His coming out will probably mean the end of your relationship, but at least you'll know what's up, and in the long run both of you will be better off for it, although it may not seem that way right now.

Gay Ex-Husband?

I  married a man, and after the marriage it seemed like he was gay and eventually we divorced.

We dated off and on for four years and then we married.  Before I married him a woman from his alcoholics anonymous meeting kept warning that men like him will marry me and then stop having sex with me, but before the marriage I never understood what she was getting at because our sex life before we married was good.   As soon as we married he lost interest in me sexually.  He soon wanted me thinner, blonder, and tanner. But the tanner, the thinner I got and longer haired and blonder I got he was still not attracted to me.

 After a few years of this I went back to being brunette and stayed healthy but stopped trying to keep up with his constantly changing critiques. I was attractive before our marriage and kept myself attractive throughout the marriage. In the first year, we bought a house and he told me, after we moved into the house,  that now he got his house and he told me he did not need me anymore. I was in shock but my mother told me to hang in there.

 That whole time he was not interested in sex.  He seemed to not be able to have an erection. Sex became very rare and he was angry afterwards,  but he wanted blow jobs.  Then the last two years of the marriage there was no sex.  He complained constantly of being unhappy and was always trying to start a fight.  He was always busy with work or friends. If he was at home he went to bed around six and fell asleep.

 After five years of marriage we divorced.   I never confronted him with being gay because I knew that I would not get a straight answer, and his personality was unpredictable.  But he was always restless and miserable and uninterested in sex. But I would catch him masturbating upon occasion.  I have lived with  other men and even when they were unhappy they wanted sex.

My questions are:  Do gay men pretend to be straight and then seem to not be able to follow through with the marriage and straight sex for the long haul?
 
What are the signs that a husband is actually gay?  If this guy was not gay, what else could it have been? (maybe he just wanted out of the marriage)

Frankly, there are so many reasons why a marriage and a sex life can go south that we can't necessarily pin your marriage's problems on your husband's sexual orientation. Also, "mixed" marriages -- where one partner is straight and the other gay [generally closeted] can play out in different ways. Some closeted husbands eschew sex with the wife for one reason or another [often blaming the wife's appearance or some other reason] while others continue to have sex and children with their spouse. Some closeted husbands seek out men to have sex with on the side while others, repressed and ashamed and in denial, try to suppress those urges. Being essentially gay doesn't mean a man can't have sex with women [some have zero interest and couldn't perform while others can father numerous children] but that he prefers being with men and should have a male lifetime partner.

Sadly, even in this supposedly more enlightened day and age there are homosexual men [I won't call them "gay" because they don't identify that way and are not exactly what we'd call Out and Proud] who use women as beards, to parade around as proof of their heterosexuality. They often fuss over the wife or girlfriend's appearance, wanting her to be as "hot" as possible so that he can seem more "studly."

Some married closeted homosexual men remain with their wives for decades, coming to see them as beloved companions if not objects of romantic passion. Others eventually rebel against living in a closet, taking their anger out on their wives.

So, based on what you say your ex-husband might very well have been dealing with issues of his sexuality. Only he, of course, knows for certain, although he may not be able to admit it to himself.

For red flags, please read my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay. 

Enough with Asexuality!

I received a lot of responses to a long-ago post on asexuality. Many were rational and reasonable, but many others were apoplectic, moronic and ridiculous, even homophobic. Recently I got this nasty email from someone who clearly has issues of all different kinds:

"Being asexual is NOT a disability it is a valid orientation. no we aren't sick or lying; no not all of us are young. there are some in their 70's who never had sex & are leading perfectly happy lives." [Sheesh, if this gal had bothered to read all the comments on my [rather old] post on asexuality she would have seen that I bear no one who identifies as asexual ill will, even if I do not necessarily see asexuals as a persecuted minority a la blacks or gays.] -- Dr. Bill

"sex isn't everything. LOVE is." Love is great. So is sex.

"also jesus christ himself was asexual. never had sex or kids." As for Jesus, he was also a Jew. Can you deal with that, or are you anti-Semitic as well as homophobic?

"same goes for enoch a human male." I think she's trying to say eunuch.This is a castrated male, not one who is [born] asexual.

"guess where both are right now? uh huh....in heaven alive well virgin." I think she means alive and well and still virgins.

"if anything..being gay is a disease....see how do you like that? get your facts right before putting down someone else!" Oh, yeah, like you have your facts right?

I'm tempted to just say" Oh, fuck you -- you  homophobic sexless bitch! I believe some people may be genuinely born asexual -- which is not an "orientation" -- but you are just a fucked-up, hung-up, frigid self-hating suppressed lesbian in denial."


But instead I'll just say: It's okay to be gay! 

In the meantime, I am immediately deleting any emails I get on this subject without reading them. I am a sexual being and I'm simply disinterested in the whole subject of asexuality. So don't bother sending me angry emails, they will simply be ignored. [And it goes without saying that I'm deleting/blocking any further emails from this particular correspondent and her friends, as well as giving their emails to my cop friend.] 

One last thing, which I just read on a website devoted to asexuality: "Asexuality as a subject is hard. It's even hard for us, so you can imagine how hard it is for someone who writes dozens of hour-long teleplays in a year. And the one thing that makes it so hard is the simple fact that it is a scientific fact that conditions that are similar to Asexuality can be caused by a myriad of medical or psychological problems. To deny it would be a great disservice to everyone." 

Well, there you have it. At least one asexual person is willing to admit that not everyone who thinks they're asexual is actually asexual [Now if we can only get bisexuals to do the same!]

Perpetrating Fraud?

I have read that Jim McGreevey's wife feels that her gay husband the governor perpetrated a fraud on her when he married her by pretending he was straight. How do you feel about this? Are gays and bisexuals defrauding their straight spouses if they don't tell them the truth? How about asexuals? Anon.

Interesting question. My answer is yes. I have often said that it's one thing if a person knows about the sexual interests of their mate before the marriage and enters into the union willingly, but quite another if the spouse is secretive. While I don't recommend mixed marriages for anyone, a straight person who enters into one with foreknowledge can not complain later on if, for obvious reasons, it doesn't work out. While a mixed marriage between a straight person and a genuinely bisexual person can work, I still think the bi partner should be completely upfront about their sexuality with their partner. As for asexuals, people who say they are born without sexual feelings, many do engage in sex with their partners, but the partner should be apprised that they are faking any enjoyment they have -- or rather can't have -- of the experience.

Upfront honesty is always the best policy. To be in love with someone and in a relationship with them for years and then to discover they are gay or perhaps have more of an interest in their own sex than in the opposite, or have no sexual feelings of any kind, can be devastating and is, I feel, completely unfair to the straight and/or non-asexual spouse.

The better and more accepting a member of a sexual minority is, the more likely he or she is to be honest and treat other people fairly.

It will be interesting to see what happens when some of these fraud cases hit a courtroom.

It's Okay to Be Gay

I am a 32-year-old man and have had the same girlfriend for many years. During our time together, I have had sex with several men. I have never considered myself gay or even bisexual. Some men wanted to date me, but I was only interested in sex. The thought of a romance with a guy made me nervous. My family is very narrow and religious, although I have tried all my life to be more open-minded than they are. Although I have tried not to think about it, recently I have come to the conclusion that I am much more turned on by men than women. My sex life with my girlfriend and the occasional other woman is not that satisfying, except for the orgasm, but I often find myself thinking about men or I can't shoot. There is a guy I really like and might love, and I think he really goes for me, and not just in bed. But I can't see living my life with him instead of with a woman, even though I admit I'd rather be with him than her. Should I just accept that I'm gay? Anon.

Yes. With all due respect, you could be the poster boy for "internalized homophobia," the term we use to describe the often subconscious feeling that some homosexual people have -- a kind of self-hatred -- that keeps them in denial and in the closet and prevents them from having fulfilled sexual and romantic lives. People like this prefer their own sex but live with and marry the opposite sex because they're just too ashamed to have anyone think of them as gay. It's obvious that your background -- the religious and narrow-minded family -- have done a lot to create your negative impression of homosexuals and your fear of seeing and accepting yourself as gay.

Not only are you not being fair to yourself, but you're not being fair to your long-time girlfriend. She has a right to have a boyfriend who isn't thinking about men all the time, and who may be in love with a man.

It's the 21st century. Millions of people are perfectly happy being gay, and gay men come in all shapes, sizes, attitudes, and modes of expression. Anyone can be gay. At thirty-two you have to ask yourself if a fear of your family's reaction should keep you in a false relationship that in the long run will only hurt yourself, your girlfriend, and the men you get involved with.

I think it's important for you to get counseling or therapy. preferably from an openly gay or at least gay-friendly therapist. Look at all the gay men who love each other and live together openly as domestic or (where it's legal) married partners. Some of those men may have once had the same feelings of dread and shame that you're feeling now, but they got over them with a little help from their friends.

Focus instead on the good feelings you have when you're with a man, especially the man you say you'd prefer to spend your life with. This man will want and deserves a partner who can be fully committed to him, to your life together, and who will not be ashamed of the love that the two of you share.

Get the help you need so you can deal with all the issues you're facing. You can do it. It's okay to be gay. You can probably get information at a local gay/LGBT center or gay helpline.

Good Luck and stay in touch!

Gay Man in Dilemma with Niece

I am a gay man in his late forties who has a wonderful niece -- whom I'm very close to -- in her early thirties. She has had some very unfortunate relationships with men and been hurt very badly, and I don't know if she could take another defeat. She's fallen head over heads in love with a man she describes as a great guy. When I finally met him I was flabbergasted -- and deeply depressed for my niece's sake. I have seen this man many times -- yes, I am sure it was him -- cruising in local gay bars, even made out with him once a couple of years ago, and he is always inebriated. I have seen him neck with and pick up other men. I don't care if he's gay or bi, I don't want my niece to be devastated by marrying --yes, they are talking about marriage -- a man who may not be in touch with or honest about his true sexuality. He may continue to pursue men even after he's married. What on earth do I say to her? Bob.

The truth, I'm afraid. Men who want sex with men when they're very drunk want sex with men when they're sober, only they need to get drunk and lose their inhibitions before they can do so. It's the old bugaboo, internalized homophobia. You're right -- it doesn't matter if he identifies as gay, straight or bi, his future wife needs to know -- needs to know now -- about his possibly risky behavior, his lust for men, and what it may mean for their future, assuming any is possible.

There are so many ramifications to this. There are women who don't mind marrying gay/bi men (as bizarre as it sounds) generally for the same wrong reasons that gay/bi men often marry women. But every woman should be told beforehand -- hopefully by the man himself -- that he's gay/bi so that she can make an informed decision about whether or not to marry him. If he's essentially a gay man, he will not be happy in a straight marriage, and neither will your niece. Bi advocates say a bi man can be perfectly happy with, and faithful to, a woman (although there are thousands of men seeking male sex partners on gay dating sites who identify as "married and bi"), but this man sounds too conflicted to have any kind of realistic attitude toward his sexuality, and he probably hasn't fully accepted his homosexual feelings.

Don't tell your niece you once made out with him. I assume you don't have a "thing" for him as that will only complicate matters. That's not the issue in any case. The issue is that she thinks he's straight and he clearly isn't.

I would suggest sitting down and talking to him first. Don't wait until you run into him in another gay bar -- he'll be too drunk to hear you. Tell him you're aware of his nocturnal activities and you're not certain why he wants to marry your niece. Is he in love? Will she be his beard? What's going on? Tell him he has to tell her of his feelings for men or you'll tell her for him.

This isn't going to be easy as he sounds deeply closeted and repressed (except for when he's drinking) and he may be in such deep denial that he'll never be able to talk about it with you or anyone else in the light of day. Go slow, easy, be compassionate. If you get nowhere with him, you may have to be a real Dutch uncle with your niece. A marriage shouldn't start out with such a big lie between two people.

Get back to me and tell me how it goes.