Gay Porn on the Computer

Hi Bill, I am worrying myself for days since I found some links to a gay porn site on my and my boyfriend's computer. We have been living together for half a year and we are in a relationship for almost five years. I have never noticed he's into men in the past. However, we haven't had sex properly in so long that I don't even remember for how long. I suspected that he is cheating on me with another woman because he is chatting with a lot of girls on his facebook profile. A few days ago I even tried to talk with him about our problem and asked him if he is gay. He replied negatively and said that we both caused the situation we are in and have to work on it in the future. I was afraid to bring up the porn site. Today I saw that he went to that site again and I asked if he was watching it. He smiled at me and said no. I noticed he's visiting that site for a few months and has a username, " ----"  that makes me think he's confused about his sexual orientation. However, every time he visited the gay site he also visited heterosexual sites. I really need some help cause I don't know how to talk to him about that.

Well there are people that will tell you that straight guys have various reasons for looking at gay porn, but the number one reason is that they aren't straight. If he has some legitimate reason for looking at gay porn, why doesn't he discuss it openly with you? I also suspect that what you refer to as a porn site is actually a gay dating site with sexy and naked pictures of men on it. If he has registered on that site and has a user name it is probably because he wants to hook up with guys for sex, the chief purpose of those sites. 

You need to confront him on this issue in a non-accusatory and non-judgmental way. He may be going back and forth from gay and straight sites to try to convince himself he isn't gay, he could be bisexual [or at least thinks he is, but remember that most bi guys have a preference and it generally isn't women], or he's simply attracted to men but has ambivalent feelings about it. Does he come from a liberal background or a conservative one? How does he feel about gay people?

I suggest you tell him that you have a friend who is afraid her boyfriend is gay. This will start a discussion without necessarily focusing on him. Or at least talk about gay marriage, a hot topic, and see what his reaction is. There are men who are secretly homosexual, who seek out male sex partners, but who are so ashamed of it that they become quite homophobic and speak out against gay people in strongly negative terms, and that's usually a red flag. So is looking at gay porn and signing up with gay sex/dating sites. And so is not having any sex with your girlfriend for a long, long time. 

Some men in this position think that they aren't cheating on their wives or girlfriends if their sex partners are male, but of course that isn't the case. You also have to be concerned about whether or not he is using condoms during his possible past or future sex hook ups.

There is a strong possibility that your boyfriend is trying to come to terms with his homosexuality, and may even be struggling to come out or find some way to talk to you about it. You can help if you can get him to open up while being sympathetic.

His coming out will probably mean the end of your relationship, but at least you'll know what's up, and in the long run both of you will be better off for it, although it may not seem that way right now.