My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost
two years. When we began dating he knew
that I had two children, and he was very happy being in their lives.
After a
year and a half he decided he wanted to move in with me and my children
and
everything seemed to be fine however, during the last month of our
relationship when
he got drunk and he and I would have sex he’d ask me to stick my finger
in his
anus and he would only ask when he was drunk. Because when he was sober
he said
he was too embarrassed to talk about it. Now his best friend became
single and
he began hanging out with his best friend and one day he came home to
tell me
that he was having doubts about him, not me. I asked him if he was
confused about
his sexuality; he said no. When he left he told me he couldn't see me for a
while because if he did he knew he would want to come back home and
stay with me. Now him and his best friend are always
together and are always hanging out, and they cannot be separated. He
has no
children and when he left he said he wasn’t sure if he wanted children
or a
family. So I decided to shut him out completely and when I did he said
“I need
you in my life, you're more than an ex-girlfriend; If I ever date again
which I don’t
think I will I believe I will be a lonely old man, I will always need you
in my life"
and now to make matters worse he feels the need to play a stepfather
role in my
children’s lives but he never speaks about us getting back together. We
email and text a lot and he seems to be hanging on to what I don't know.
Well, to be honest, there's not a lot to go on here when it comes to the question of your ex-boyfriend's sexuality. Yes, most straight men [and a lot of gay men] don't want a finger up their anus, but that isn't a definite indication of homosexuality. Neither is his hanging out
with his best friend all the time -- straight guys often do hang out
with their buddies, it just depends on exactly what they're doing together ... If you had actually caught him in bed with a guy, looking at gay porn, or something. From what you say he might be a gay man struggling with his sexuality, trying to come to terms with an attraction for men while striving to be "straight" with a woman who is not quite a girlfriend anymore. He obviously feels or needs some connection to you. But it's also a possibility that he cares about you but isn't ready for a full commitment or long-term relationship. In other words, commitment-phobia.
I recognize that you feel as if you're in limbo. You have strong feelings for this man but he's sending all kinds of mixed messages. He wants to keep you as a friend but I suspect it would be too painful and disorienting for you to do the same as far as he is concerned, especially as you want him to be the main man in your life. Sit him down or email him and tell him all this, let out all of your feelings. In a non-judgmental way ask him again about his sexuality. Does he never want to date again or does he never want to date women? If he can't or refuses to give you some satisfactory answers to these questions, I would tell him that your door is closed and move on! Best, Bill
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