Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Hateful Married Homosexual

I'd like your opinion on something that happened to me. Many years ago I had a boyfriend who was not comfortable being gay and who left me for a woman with money [he also enjoyed the good life]. Both of these people were simply horrible to me back in the day. He admitted he was not bi or attracted to women, and I felt he was being unfair both to himself and to her by marrying her just to be financially comfortable and to play at being straight [to please his parents]. I even told her we had been boyfriends and she said he told her that he was straight and I was a 'fag' who was in love with him. Anyway, I avoided this toxic couple, moved on, had another lover for many years who died a couple of years ago.

My ex-lover and his wife have stayed married for many years and managed to have two children, although I hear one is adopted. I have seen my ex-boyfriend -- I'll call him Chuck -- in gay bars making out with guys and dragging them home [while the wife is out of town] many times over the years.

Just recently I was on a date and encountered this man and his wife at a social function. I barely recognized him, but he definitely remembered me, sized up my attractive new boyfriend [ certainly compared to his fat wife] and began making rude, homophobic comments. His wife even joined in. They made a terrible impression with the other people in the group, who thought they were boorish and narrow-minded. You don't know the half of it, I said.

The other night I got photos of him french kissing a guy at a gay bar. My question is: should I email them to his wife [I have her work email].

Hell, that's what I would do! I don't believe in outing people most of the time -- it's a personal decision a pivotal, important moment in a gay person's life -- but all bets are off if the party concerned is publicly homophobic . This guy did you enough damage -- and he's still trying to do it. His self-hatred has spread out to encompass a man -- you -- who has lived a happy gay life while he's stuck in a closet having furtive affairs, terrified his bill-paying wife will find out.

Click send, baby!


Anonymous said...

Dr. Bill, you usually give truly mature and sage advice and I love the blog. But I think you missed the mark on this question. Emailing photos of the ex-BF to his wife is just sneaky, pointless, and mean-spirited in a culture already marked by too much gossip and pettiness. And that's strictly what sending bar photos to the man's wife would be: petty. And I don't care how nasty and homophobic these people have been. It's the mission of classy, high-minded people to rise above the boorishness, see it for what it is (bad upbringing, partly) and MOVE ON. The ex and his wife are not in any way a part of the writer's life anymore, and there is simply no reason for him to be obsessed with outing the man to the missus in some kind of gay superhero act of supreme justice. I say again: MOVE ON with you life, and just learn to forgive and forget. You'll be much happier that way, believe me. This is gnawing at you and there is no reason for it.

Happy thanksgiving, Bill.

Bill Samuels said...

You make some interesting points and I appreciate your comments.

You're right that the couple in question have not been a part of this man's life for many years, but you also have to remember that THEY [first the husband, then the wife] took it upon themselves to approach the writer for the sole purpose of making virulently homophobic remarks. Why assume only the letter writer has issues ["gnawing away etc.] when it's clear to me at least that this is more true of the other man and his wife? I've gotten more of the details from the writer and I wonder if you [assuming you're gay] were there and had overheard the full interchange if you would still feel the same way.

But there's a whole bunch of issues here. Is this gay militancy or mere pettiness, as this commenter suggests? Should married homosexual men who use their wives as beards [especially for financial purposes] and do nothing for the gay community -- and make public homophobic remarks on top of it, sheesh -- be allowed to just get away with it? Was this incident caused by "bad upbringing" or more likely by a gay husband's self-hatred and his wife's insecurity? [And are homophobic outbursts the product of "bad upbringing" -- I admit that's a new one on me.]

Today's LGBT activism is low-key, polite, and comparatively tepid as compared to the older-style militancy of New York's Gay Activists Alliance, of which I was a part [and which was an important part of my life]. The spirit of that militancy is still a part of me, for better or worse. Many of our zaps and actions may not have been seen as "classy" but they generally had a good effect in the long run. Or at least were satisfying.

Anyway for now we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. I'll probably return to it more fully in a future post.

Again, thanks for reading and thanks for your comments.