Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Casual Sex and "Straight-Acting" Gays?

Is there anything really wrong with anonymous sex, or casual sex, or one-night-stands if you're responsible, stick to safe sex, use condoms and so on? Nowadays it seems as if the only "good" gays are those who want to mimic straights, get married, raise kids, and live in blessed monogamy for the rest of their lives. How dull! What's the point in being gay? Tod.

LOL, maybe you've got a point there. But at the same time it's a little more complicated than that.

First of all, of course there's nothing wrong with casual sex if the parties involved are responsible, use condoms, are tested for STDs regularly (condoms don't prevent everything) etc.

And I, too, have been bothered by the notion that some people won't accept gays unless we all pair up, get married, raise kids, and live in the suburbs in a house with the proverbial white picket fence. We all have to be thuddingly "normal" or else.

As I've said over and over again, we are a very diverse community. Everyone should feel free to live the way they want to live, whether that means lots of anonymous sex or a lifetime partnership -- house, kids, suburbs, neighbors -- be it monogamous or not.

[I confess I've never had the slightest interest in either having or raising children. There is nothing remotely "middle-class" or "suburban" about me. I acknowledge that it's neither fair nor accurate for me to say that picking out houses, furniture, china patterns, and wallpaper for the baby's room are strictly heterosexual activities, but frankly, they'll always seem that way to me. I'm happy being gay. I don't want to be an imitation straight person.]

Two quick points. I do think that some people who indulge only in anonymous sex and never consider the possibility of a relationship should ask themselves why. It doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with them -- some people just aren't into relationships. But in some cases the inability to form a relationship with someone can mean a person is on some level uncomfortable with their orientation. You can be anonymous if you stick to anonymous sex -- but it's harder to be anonymous -- in the closet -- if you have a same-sex lover. Sure, quickies can be a lot of fun and provide much satisfaction on a certain level, but they're not the whole story. Some people who are just into quick sex are avoiding the reality that being gay is more than just about sex.

But be assured that I personally have nothing against one-night-stands. I've never been a particular fan of monogamy either, although I respect those who wish to be monogamous.

But that's a subject for another post.

The second point is that it is in a way ridiculous to suggest that gays who are monogamous are acting straight when we all know that very few straight couples are strictly monogamous. And many of the spouses in so-called straight marriages aren't even straight.

In fact, many a father and husband is -- you guessed it -- out there having anonymous sex with guys like you.


Jen said...

My dad was one of them. No on should be pigeonholed. As long as every one acts responsible and respectable who cares?

CupidsReviews Heidi said...

Straight acting gays! I love that term.....and is anything really the matter with it. Do we all have to act like raging queers?!

JORGE said...


You are quite right. Although in my country, Spain, gays can marry and adopt children, many prefer gay sex anonymous. In Spain cruissing practice is legal, provided it is not with minors. The age of consent in Spain is 13 years. Anyway, although I'm not promiscuous prefer life as a couple, although sometimes I have had anonymous sex without my partner learns.

A kiss

Bill Samuels said...

Thanks for some very interesting comments! I have a couple of my own.

No, we don't all have to act like "raging queers" -- I presume you mean acting very stereotypically -- but some people can't help it -- that's just the way they are. Part of the fun (and exasperation) of the gay community is our diversity.

As for Dads and Husbands who have anonymous sex with guys, well ... not to "pigeonhole" anyone, but I think it's pyschologically much healthier for these men to accept their homosexuality and come out of the shadows, perhaps having a meaningful same-sex relationship. Most of these guys are full of guilt, fear and self-hatred -- not good -- at least until they find self-acceptance. And they are not always responsible when it comes to safe sex. They often don't see themselves as gay and persist in thinking of HIV as a "gay" disease that they can't get. Self-delusion at its worst.

Finally, greetings to my friend from Spain!