Finding Mr. Right

Hi. My name is J. I recently came out or should I say all my family said we know, J, you don't have to tell us, we know. Now that I am out I don't know what to do. I want to be in a relationship but it seems that every guy that I have seen wants a quicky, but I want a long-term relationship. I am from the south and am a hopeless romantic and it seems that I've lost hope in finding Mr. Right. Do you have any ideas on finding someone looking for the same thing I am. Thanks, J.

I could be wrong but I have the feeling you're a pretty young guy, so I wouldn't give up hope just yet on finding Mr. Right. That's still the case even if you're middle-aged or older. Finding and falling in love with the right person (and vice versa) takes time. Even when you think you may have found the right guy, it still takes time to fall deeply and maturely in love with someone. Many people confuse romantic infatuation and sexual attraction with love, but love takes much longer to grow and bloom. It's possible that the guys you meet who want quickies are a bit scared off by your obvious need for a lover -- give them time to get to really know you before you start talking about love and commitment. "Hopeless romantics" can often fall in love simply with the idea of being in love. Slow down and things may move faster, if you know what I mean.

It's also true that each person is ready for a committed relationship at a different time in his life. In your case you may have to face the fact that if you're fresh out of the closet you may not be quite ready for a relationship just yet. What's the hurry? Sow a little wild oats and see what's out there before tying yourself down. Some people want to be in a long-term relationship while they're still in their twenties, and others aren't ready until they're over fifty. However, nowadays there are gay guys only in their twenties who are living together, getting married, making a commitment to one another for a lifetime. So guys who are looking for love and long-term relationships, as you are, are out there, believe me!

Where do you find them? Probably not in bars. If your city has any kind of gay center you might investigate if there are social groups for men of your age. There you can get to know someone over time in an atmosphere that isn't strictly sexual, as it often is in bars. Sometimes the friendships you make in these groups can blossom into love. There are also different kinds of gay social groups on the Internet and there's a possibility of making a connection there with someone in your city. While you have to exercise caution, there is also a possibility of meeting Mr. Right on a gay dating site -- it's happened. Check out various sites and make it clear that you are looking for a serious relationship and not just sex. (Remember that sex -- safe sex -- is part of the dating process. That doesn't mean you have to hop into bed with a guy on the first date, but eventually you'll both want to see if you're compatible.) You may have to meet and date several guys before finding the one who's just right for you, and who will hopefully feel the same.

If you decide to go the Internet dating route, be as honest and as thorough as possible on your profile. Your tastes, interests, likes, dislikes, whether you smoke or drink, and so on. Don't expect perfection -- it doesn't exist. The guy you're looking for will be amenable to having a drink or coffee with you for your first date and won't ask you to come over for a quickie (Don't go to a total stranger's house -- or invite them to yours -- under any circumstances. In any case, you'll want to meet them first just to check them out.) People can lie, but you can often pick out the honest guys from the liars by how open and forthcoming they are. You don't want to start dating a guy who already has a lover or -- yikes! -- a wife. (Unfortunately gay dating sites have been infiltrated by these guys. Sometimes they're upfront about their situation, but more often they're not.)

But don't be discouraged. It is often true that you have to kiss a lot of toads to find a prince, but
eventually you'll find the right guy -- or he'll find you.

Good luck and let me know if I can help with anything else.