A Film to Help Fund a Fight Against Cancer

Bill, I'm looking for help publicizing my friend's fight with cancer. I'm looking to raise funds for her medical expenses through sales of the film she produced. Here's the story: http://www.backpagemovie.com/blog/ All funds from the sale of the film go to her treatment. Oh, and the film's pretty fun, too. Thanks, Richard This film will help a lesbian sister with her medical expenses in her fight against cancer. Please check out the web site and buy the DVD. Thanks, readers. Bill

Close-mouthed Male Friend

I have a male friend that identifies as being bisexual (he has only told me this), however, he has been living with a male "roommate" for many years. I want to have a good friendship with him, but I feel as if he is not really bisexual, to me he is gay. I've told him on more than one occasion that his sexual preferences make no difference to me, I like him just as he is. I feel like I have shared so much of my own personal life with him, yet he is so closed with me. I haven't met any of his other friends, nor have I met his roommate. Basically, I feel like we are at a roadblock. If he cannot open up to me and share of himself, then maybe we shouldn't be friends? I am having a really hard time understanding him, and the last thing I want to see is the friendship to end. Is there something more I need to say or do to help him open up?

Thanks!
P.S.
We've been friends for over a year now.

You haven't identified yourself as male or female, gay or straight, but since you don't indicate any romantic feelings for the guy I guess it doesn't make any difference. It does seem odd that you say you've been friends with the man yet you've never met his roommate [who could be just a roommate and roommates aren't always friends, hence no introduction] or any of his other friends. It may be that he has a good time in your company and doesn't feel a need to bring in other people or the two of you may share interests that his other friends don't share.

As for whether he's bi or gay, many gay people identify as bi for a certain period in their lives, and this may be the case with him. Again, unless you are a woman with romantic feelings for the man, his true sexual orientation shouldn't be a problem.

It's true that part of friendship is sharing your personal feelings with one another, but some people are simply more private than others. You can't expect someone to open up to you if that's not their style just because you've opened up to them. You've told him you don't care about his preferences or personal life, so if he chooses not to go into them with more detail, that's his choice. If he always avoids giving answers to your questions, that's a sign that for some reason he's not comfortable talking about it with you or possibly with anyone.

You might casually ask if his roommate is actually his lover, and see what kind of reaction you get. Don't end the friendship if you enjoy his company; as time goes by he may open up to you much more.

Straight Woman and Gay Gals

I have a gay male friend -- I'm also a gay man -- who is best friends with a straight woman I'll call Glenda. He and Glenda have known each other for years and she's supposed to be so "gay-friendly." But she offers opinions on the gay community that are just the usual Will and Grace stereotypes (neither my friend nor I are especially stereotypical) and I was really shocked when she said she'd rather not go to a certain gay restaurant because she didn't "want all the 'dykes' hitting on her." (And she's not that hot). My friend and I have been considering the possibility of a life-long partnership -- but not if Glenda's in the picture. I've confronted her about some things -- including the "dyke" remark -- but she just brushes it off. So does he. What do you suggest? G.L.

Maybe you should brush them both off. I've seen this situation before. Straight women who are friendly with gay men but who can't stand lesbians -- and yet it never occurs to them (and sometimes not even their gay friends) that this is HOMOPHOBIA! The same thing would be true of a straight guy who is friendly with lesbians but who can't stand "fags."

I've occasionally had to remind some of my gay brothers who make negative remarks about lesbians that lesbians are female homosexuals and if you put them down, you're putting yourself down because you are a male homosexual. Yes, even gay men can on occasion be sexist but when they attack lesbians (or vice versa) they're being homophobic as well. I hasten to add that I have never seen a gay man who is comfortable in his own skin say anything negative about gay women or women in general. [This doesn't mean that a gay guy who would rather not have women come into the gay bar where he's cruising, where he'd rather have a homoerotic, all male atmosphere, is necessarily sexist.]

Glenda has issues -- whatever they may be -- and it doesn't sound as if your friend is comfortable in confronting her on those issues, so he should at least let you do it for him. This isn't just about a straight friend who has anti-lesbian feelings, which is bad enough, it's about your comfort level, your sense of Gay Pride, and your aversion to homophobic attitudes. (I'll also put forth the possibility that some of the attitudes Glenda has toward the lesbian and gay community are coming from your friend.)

Don't give up on the guy yet. Sit down with him and make sure that he understands how you feel. Tell him you don't expect him to just dismantle a friendship of many years -- undoubtedly Glenda has her good points -- but that Glenda needs to know that some remarks and attitudes are simply not acceptable. (Maybe she's dealing with a little internalized homophobia?) If Glenda can't watch her mouth when you're around or deal intelligently with her issues, tell your friend that you don't want to spend any time with her and he'd better respect that.

Take it from there. If his friendship with Glenda is more important than his relationship with you, move on.

Gay male/straight female friendships can often be wonderful, but now and then you've got two dysfunctional people who are bathing in each other's self-hatred. Don't get caught up in it.

Gay Freeloader

A friend of mine recently came out to me and says he is very grateful with how supportive I am being (I am also gay). But now I am feeling like he wants to take advantage of me. He asks to borrow money, shows up at my doorstep wanting to stay a few days (he lives in another city), and basically makes it clear that I must help him because, after all, we are gay brothers and gays should help each other out. There is nothing physical or romantic between us. I believe that he is definitely gay, but I almost have the feeling that his coming out to me was his way of getting his hooks in me. Last time he asked to stay overnight, but wound up camping out for a week, and it wasn't very convenient. He also raided my fridge and asked for "loans." He said he had to stay in the city because his sister was very sick in the hospital, but didn't know the name of the hospital when I asked. What should I do? Sick and Fed up.

Show this guy the door. It's all well and good to show solidarity with fellow gays, but this guy -- who sounds like a liar and Freeloader Supreme -- is only out to get what he can get. You might make the point to him that lying to and ripping off a "gay brother" is not exactly showing support for our community. Didn't know the name of the hospital, huh?

I have, unfortunately, met many people like this guy. Their friends exist to serve their needs. Once you stop being useful to him, cutting off all loans and telling him he can't "camp out" days at a time, he'll probably disappear. And good riddance.

You have to be firm with these people. Once you realize that they aren't really friends -- no matter how much they bandy the term about for their own purposes -- you'll find it easier to Just Say No!

Dating Trans Man

I am a gay man who is friends with a Trans Man who I like very much and find attractive. We've made out a couple of times but it's never gone any further. Recently he let me know that he wants to take our relationship to the next level. The problem is that, although he is definitely a man, he hasn't fully transitioned and still has a vagina. I don't want to hurt his feelings or lose him as a friend, but I have to admit that's a problem for me -- I'm into d--k. I feel like a bigot or something but it's just too big of a hurdle. Any advice? Anon.

You're not a bigot, you're just a gay guy who knows what he wants. Just as you respect your friend for being true to himself, you have a right to be true to yourself as well. [For the record a Trans Man is someone who was born biologically female but is male inside, and undergoes various procedures to look as masculine on the outside as he is on the inside. Unfortunately, many Trans Men cannot afford an artificial penis and when they can are disappointed with the way it looks. Therefore many retain female sexual organs.]

Trans Men, be they straight or gay, are in a difficult position because -- like it or not, and don't anybody kill the messenger -- a man with a vagina is still considered pretty exotic if not downright weird in our culture, even in the gay community. That perception will undoubtedly change over time. Also, while the public has known of male-to-female sex changes since the days of Christine Jorgenson, the opposite is not as well-known, which also will change over time. Gay men don't have a "fear of the vagina" as some have charged (an outdated, rather homophobic notion, in fact) they just have a disinterest in it -- it's not a turn-on. The same for straight women. Even bisexual individuals may not be attracted to a person who combines the characteristics of both sexes.

Some gay Trans Men find lovers in the edgier or "kinkier" members of the gay male community (or with each other). Yes, it sounds terrible, but that is how some have put it, and how some see sex with a man with a vagina. There's no point beating yourself up because you're not as -- for lack of a better word -- "kinky" as some.

If you were madly in love with this man, you might be able to overcome all obstacles (straight women have, on occasion, stayed with husbands who transition, for instance) -- but maybe not. It's likely that you would have a problem even with an "ordinary" man who for one reason or another lacked a male sex organ or had impotency problems. That doesn't make you prejudiced against Trans Men or anyone else. Just as the fact that you don't want to have sex with women who have vaginas doesn't make you a sexist.

My advice is to gently tell your friend how you feel. Assure him that you can give him friendship and love of the platonic variety. Don't lead him on by making out with him, even if you want to -- that's just not fair. He's got to know that it will not lead to anything of a lasting nature, or even to a hot sexual episode.

Be this guy's friend. If he's in love with you, it will be very difficult for him, and he may need to cut you out of his life to get over you. But maybe his feelings aren't that intense. Hopefully he will understand how you feel and you can continue to have a cherished friendship.

When Gay Friends Split

Hope this question isn't too frivolous for you, Dr. Bill. I'm a straight woman whose been friends for years with two guys who have been lovers for over fifteen years. They broke up only a few months ago but I've remained friends with them and even tried to get them back together -- however, now they don't even want to be in the same room together, it's that bad. I'm having a big fiftieth birthday bash in a couple of months and want both of them there; I still love both of them. Some of my friends, gay and straight, tell me that I just can't invite both of them -- they will fight with each other, get angry at me, and the whole thing will become a big mess. What can I do? A.

First, thanks for your question. There's nothing "frivolous" about it. [You should see some of the questions I get.] When a couple -- gay or straight -- breaks up, it's always difficult to stay friends with both and it's admirable that you've managed to do just that. Is there really a danger that they will fight if they encounter each other at your birthday bash? Do they both realize that you have remained friends with the other, or do they each think that you've "chosen sides?" If so, you've got to level with them and ask them both to be reasonable. This is your big day -- congratulations, by the way -- and if they're really friends of yours they won't want to spoil it. If one or both expect you to choose sides, tell them they're being unfair. Again the key word here is reasonable. If they can't behave in a reasonable fashion, then maybe your only choice is not to invite either of them. (I suspect that they might be big "drama queens," eh? Maybe not.)

A lot depends on where you're having this bash and how many people will be there. Obviously these two men cannot avoid each other if you're having a sit-down dinner or small party with only a few people in your living room. If you're having a larger group in, say, a restaurant, maybe they can stay in neutral corners and out of each other's way.

Talk to them, tell them how you feel, tell them you want both of them there. Understand that if they really hate the idea of seeing one another -- it may simply cause too much pain or anger --one or both may decide not to attend and at least then it will no longer be a problem. You may miss their presence on this special evening, but at least you won't be on edge all night fearing an explosion. Hopefully, they will both decide that their friendship for you is more important than whatever animosity they may feel for each other, but when couples break up after many years, the animosity may sometimes be too big to overcome. At least for awhile.

Hope it works out and have a great night!

Separating Friends from Lovers

A couple of months ago I met a really nice guy and we really hit it off. We had a one-night-stand, which I now think was a mistake. I care for this guy very much and want him in my life, but only as a friend. He's made it pretty clear that his feelings for me are more sexual and romantic. He's hinted broadly that he wants to sleep with me again, but I've managed to get out of it so far. I'm tired of making excuses. How can I tell him the truth without hurting him? Terry.

I'm sorry to say that there's probably no way to do that. If he's developed strong feelings for you, he's going to be hurt. This is a very difficult situation for both of you, but especially for him because unrequited lusts and infatuations really suck. I assume when the two of you hit the sheets you were both a little snookered?

It seems to me you have a couple of options. You can tell him that no matter how much fun you had, you never go to bed with the same person twice -- so many men, so little time -- that sort of thing. The trouble with this option is that as you and he become better friends he may see that this is a lie. The second option is just to keep dodging the sex thing until he finally gets the message. The third option is to just tell him in as warm and compassionate manner as you can that you only want to be friends with him, that you care for him and think he's a great guy that -- as you put it -- you want in your life but only platonically. He may be able to get past the inevitable humiliation, accept that you and he are just not meant to be, and keep you as a friend, but if he's a little hung up on you, he might need to move on to get over you. And that's something that you'll have to accept.