Woman, Boyfriend, and Gay Pal

Dear Gay "Dr. Bill",

I found your extremely interesting blog today and read through quite a few of the questions and your answers to them.  I am a 59 year old woman who has been going with a man 'Nick' for the last 4 years. He was very understanding and let me be me and have my space for the first few years and then became quite demanding and possessive, especially of my time. He started asking questions about what I was going to do that day, what I was doing at work, who I had seen and/or talked to the day before. My best friend is a gay man 'Mark' and Nick kept trying to break up our friendship. We went around and around about the demanding attitude Nick had and the need he had to see me break off contact with Mark. He said it hurt him that I did not take his feelings into account. It got so bad that I felt every time Mark and I talked or did anything with each other I had to keep it a secret, because if I was honest and told Nick about it he would get upset, angry and act hurt. This continued to the point where I felt I was being stalked because Nick would check up on where I was by driving around our small town trying to find my car! If he couldn't find it he would call or text and ask where I was. I started to feel that I had to look over my shoulder, because he was always checking up on me to see if I was seeing Mark. I broke off contact with him because of this behavior and told him I would not give up my best friend for him nor would I be controlled or intimidated. We were apart for about 2 months and then he wrote me a letter and said that he was seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist and was dealing with his problems and had changed. I agreed to go for coffee with him and he met me with flowers. We spoke both on the phone and by email several times after that and had lunch together and went to a show. Things seemed to be good between us again and he continued to see the doctors and we even went to a couples therapist for a while. He was doing well as far as not asking about my job, what I had done that day and whether I had seen or talked to Mark for about 5 months. Now he has gone back to wanting to know if I have talked to Mark, if we have been out to lunch together or if I have gone to his house for coffee. I feel like I am going around and around on the same carousel over and over again and I don't know what to do. What is your take on this behavior? Is this a control thing, a homophobic thing? My heart wants to believe that Nick can change his way of feeling about Mark, but my gut tells me to run like hell. Your opinion would be greatly appreciated, or if you need to know more about this situation in order to get a better grasp of it let me know. Thank you!

The first thing that strikes me about this is that "Nick" is jealous of "Mark," but it's difficult to tell if it's because he's envious of the closeness the two of you share as friends, or if he's paranoid about the truth of your relationship with Mark; in other words, he may be afraid that Mark is really straight or bisexual and the two of you have or want more than a platonic relationship. If Mark is stereotypically gay -- that is a little "queeny," [not to put him down for that]  -- the latter possibility is fairly unlikely. If Mark is a more or less masculine guy, than Nick may be afraid he's not totally gay [people do tend to think in stereotypical terms]. If this is the problem, having you and Mark sit down with Nick and tell him that your relationship is, and always will be, platonic, could be a big help. But first of all ask Nick if that is what he's afraid of. [The stalking business and the need he has for you to break off with Mark does indicate a kind of pathological jealousy.]

Gay men and straight women can have very close friendships, and Nick may feel as if he's on the outside looking in, that you share more of your inner feelings and desires with Mark instead of him. He may fear you are simply closer to Mark than you are to him. There's also the possibility that Nick may think, rightly or wrongly, that Mark doesn't like him, doesn't approve of him, thinks you could do better, or has some negative opinion of him for one reason or another. While it's rare, some gay men have negative attitudes toward straight guys [sometimes because they perceive the straight guy as being disapproving of them; sometimes not]. Nick may fear that when you and Nick are alone, the two of you are putting him down.

Then there's the simple possibility that Nick just doesn't like Mark because he's gay. Did Nick make any negative remarks about gay people before he found out your best friend was gay? Something about Mark may make Nick nervous; he could be dealing with sexual identity issues of his own [not to necessarily say that he is gay or closeted].

You might bring this all up with Nick and see what kind of reaction you get. If the two of you can have a meaningful dialogue and come to some understanding, so much the better. If he can accept that Mark is a good friend and will always be a part of your life, all three of you will be much happier. If you just can't get through to him, if he over-reacts or rages, then he is dealing with issues that you probably don't need to deal with.

If you have any follow up questions, don't hesitate to contact me.

Close-mouthed Male Friend

I have a male friend that identifies as being bisexual (he has only told me this), however, he has been living with a male "roommate" for many years. I want to have a good friendship with him, but I feel as if he is not really bisexual, to me he is gay. I've told him on more than one occasion that his sexual preferences make no difference to me, I like him just as he is. I feel like I have shared so much of my own personal life with him, yet he is so closed with me. I haven't met any of his other friends, nor have I met his roommate. Basically, I feel like we are at a roadblock. If he cannot open up to me and share of himself, then maybe we shouldn't be friends? I am having a really hard time understanding him, and the last thing I want to see is the friendship to end. Is there something more I need to say or do to help him open up?

Thanks!
P.S.
We've been friends for over a year now.

You haven't identified yourself as male or female, gay or straight, but since you don't indicate any romantic feelings for the guy I guess it doesn't make any difference. It does seem odd that you say you've been friends with the man yet you've never met his roommate [who could be just a roommate and roommates aren't always friends, hence no introduction] or any of his other friends. It may be that he has a good time in your company and doesn't feel a need to bring in other people or the two of you may share interests that his other friends don't share.

As for whether he's bi or gay, many gay people identify as bi for a certain period in their lives, and this may be the case with him. Again, unless you are a woman with romantic feelings for the man, his true sexual orientation shouldn't be a problem.

It's true that part of friendship is sharing your personal feelings with one another, but some people are simply more private than others. You can't expect someone to open up to you if that's not their style just because you've opened up to them. You've told him you don't care about his preferences or personal life, so if he chooses not to go into them with more detail, that's his choice. If he always avoids giving answers to your questions, that's a sign that for some reason he's not comfortable talking about it with you or possibly with anyone.

You might casually ask if his roommate is actually his lover, and see what kind of reaction you get. Don't end the friendship if you enjoy his company; as time goes by he may open up to you much more.

Gay Guy Likes Straight Guys

Hi, Dr. Bill

I need some serious advice please, if at all possible.

I am an openly gay male and have always found myself falling for straight men, I have done the same again recently.

It was completely unexpected this time as I have known him for a year and have never thought of him sexually. He has always had girlfriends, many in fact and they last on average 6 - 12 weeks; he has also been married.

Recently we all went out for drinks and met a couple of girls, he was attracted to one of them, they came back to his apartment and had a few drinks and then left. I stayed and said I would sleep on the sofa; he said no we can share his bed. Anyway cut a long story short we ended up spooning each other all night, nothing sexual happened although there were a few occasions when something could have, or so I think, it could be my over active imagination. Now I can't get this bloke out of my mind and it's driving me crazy. We text each other like nothing happened, but joked with friends the day after that we spooned all night

I had a really bad relationship 10 years ago and have never been able to hold down a relationship since. I am possessive and completely irrational when to comes to relationships; I didn't have a very good time growing up, shy, insecure bad relationship with father who basically made me feel like a piece of crap from a very young age, never thought much of myself etc etc etc. I have had counselling but I am still the same.

Why do I always fall for men I cannot have, almost to the point of obsession? I ain't getting any younger and if I continue like this I can see myself being single forever.

Any advice you can give me would be fantastic, anything at all.

Thanks & regards

Well, in a sense you've answered your own question. People who have low self-esteem, whatever the cause, generally wind up with the wrong people, for they feel deep down that they're not worthy of someone who might be more suitable for them. Falling again and again for inappropriate people is almost a form of emotional masochism. You need to stop punishing yourself for things you have no control over. If you have any issues over being gay, you have to realize that it's okay to be gay and it doesn't make you in the least unworthy of love.

Now I confess I'm a little confused about this business with spooning with the straight guy. Unless the couch was really uncomfortable I don't understand why he asked you to share the bed, even if he doesn't know that you're gay. I mean, I'm a gay guy, but I wouldn't ask another man, gay or straight, to share my bed unless I planned on having -- or wanted to have -- sex with him. Unless sex is involved, most people give unexpected guests the couch. Are you sure this guy is straight?

[Interjection: if by "spooning" you mean that the two of you basically cuddled together, that's one thing. The more archaic definition of "spooning" is basically "making out;" kissing. If that's what you were doing this guy ain't straight.]

Not to give you false hopes here, but you might -- in a joking fashion -- ask him why he insisted you share the bed [especially if he knows you're gay]. Is he bi-curious, you might ask. Ease into it with caution and sensitivity and you may get a surprise.

Then again, maybe the couch really is damn uncomfortable and he was too drunk to care who was in his bed. Or he might have been afraid you'd be offended if he insisted you take the couch, that you'd think he was intimating you'd come on to him.

But back to the main problem. Ask yourself if it's just coincidence that you keep falling for straight guys -- it happens to all of us now and then -- or do you seek them out? Would you prefer a less attractive straight man over a more attractive gay one? Do you resist relationships with other gay men? Is it their unavailability or merely the fact that they're straight?

Some gay men have an old-fashioned yen for supposedly heterosexual men, and it usually relates to those self-esteem issues. Because they feel inferior and are gay, they subconsciously feel all gay men are somehow inferior -- less than men -- and therefore they desire to be with a "superior" heterosexual man. You can see the problem, as in most cases a genuinely heterosexual man has absolutely no desire to be with a gay guy. "Straight" guys who have sex with men are either closet cases who live straight lives [with girlfriends, wives and children] or are at the very least bisexual; they aren't straight.

Since you say counseling hasn't done you any good, I would suggest putting yourself out there in the dating scene, using on-line sites to hook up with guys who are gay, who are attractive to you, and staying away from the straight guys and "bad boys." You deserve someone who will bring you happiness and not confusion and misery. There are plenty of nice, decent totally gay men out there who might make you the perfect partner. Try to curb that possessiveness -- until the fourth date, at least; it only scares people off. I recognize this is easier said than done, but it can be done with a little will power.

We all wind up falling for inappropriate guys [sheesh, I once developed an infatuation on a guy half my age who worked in a gay bar but insisted he was straight; talk about messed-up situations!] but the trick is to just refuse, no matter how difficult, to let it go too far. Your heart can go in directions that your head doesn't want to go, but sometimes you just have to say "this will not work" and move on.

Once you're convinced that this "spooning" character is really straight, get him out of your mind by pursuing the first gay guy who appeals to you and who seems to like you as well. It's great to have open-minded straight friends, but when it comes to sex and romance, always go gay.

I hope some of this has been of help to you. All the best!