Dear Bill:
A strange question: I have a friend whom I've known
for about four years. He is a man, but I have a fairly strong idea that
he might be transgender. He's a great person and I value the friendship
very much, so I don't want to rock the boat, but he has never brought up
the subject that he hasn't always been a man.
I wouldn't say
it's vital for me to know for sure...I would definitely want him as a
friend, regardless. I'm gay but romantic considerations aren't really a
factor here...he has a girlfriend and is thinking of marriage. It's just
that I'm curious, it seems to be limiting the conversation -- there is
an invisible elephant in the room that neither of us is talking about.
Should
I just wait for him to bring it up? Clearly, I can't just say, "You're
transgender, aren't you?" It would be amazingly awkward, even more so if
I'm wrong.
It's understandable that you're curious about this situation but you're right that it would be awkward -- and worse if he's not transgender. If he is a Trans Man he may be thinking or
hoping that he completely "passes" so you'd also risk shattering his
illusions or confidence. I would wait until he brings it up, which he
may eventually do as you grow closer as friends. Does he know that you're gay? If not, coming out would be a start -- you're both members of the LGBT community
even if he isn't gay apparently. Have you met the woman he's going to
marry? She may turn out to be transgender as well, which would be
another sign. Not that all transgender people pair up with other Trans Men or Women, but it does happen, especially if they want a partner who will understand them and be non-judgmental.
Just hope that some day he'll take you into his confidence.
Showing posts with label Trans Men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trans Men. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Dating a Trans Man
OK, this is an unusual one.
A couple of months back i met this guy, i saw him at this bar, he instantly caught my attention, he's just so handsome! -- nice styled hair, Greek god abs and pecs and charming gray eyes. So i spent the rest of the night chatting him up and trying my charms on him, and by the end of the night i gave him my number and he left me drooling like a high school girl. And so we went out. While at the beginning i was just looking for a quick fling like most boys in their twenties, this seemed to take a more serious turn, but i didn't care.
With a couple of dates past and having come to know each other well, i started making several bold sexual advances, and he would always deflect them. So i started to have my suspicions, and eventually we got a moment in private at his place to talk about that and the conversation took a turn i never saw coming. It turns out the reason he wouldn't respond to my advances is the fact that he is a female to male transsexual. I was prepared for many situations but didn't know how to react to that, and so we talked about that for several hours; he said that he was too afraid of the sex reassignment surgery and besides had heard it didn't have such good results, so eventually i told him that i love him and that it doesn't matter. Then we stepped into the bedroom. I gotta say i love him and all but it was weird, it took some concentration to actually perform, something that had never happened before, but above all i enjoyed it and instead of concentrating on the state of his genitals i just concentrated on who i was with.
So a couple of days later i learned that a good friend of mine is a good friend of his too. He said he had not said a word [about his being a trans man] because he didn't want it to get in the way of a possible relationship. He also understood how the sex could get awkward, but i said that i couldn't tell him that. Truth is every time we have sex i must concentrate beforehand, and even though i enjoy it and it's been good so far i just can't seem to get "ready" without a little mental preparation. I truly love him and i don't want that to get in the way. I mean the rest of his body is clearly and beautifully manly, and i don't feel like me or anyone is in a position to force him into the [sex realignment] procedure.
It's just, i don't want this to get in the way as much as it does. I also do not have that much knowledge about the transsexual community, and it seems that female to males are harder to learn about than the other way around...
To finish i just want to know if there is any case like this that you know of. I have never known another relationship like this and i want it to go nicely. I mean the sex seems to be the only problem, and he hasn't so far known that it is. I mean it's something new to me, and i enjoy it but it still causes some trouble in my head, i just don't know...
Okay, for someone born biologically female to be convincingly masculine, they have to have some procedures of some sort done, even if it's just taking certain hormones, so your boyfriend must have had some work on his body. I take that the problem you have is that he's held on to his vagina instead of getting an artificial penis, which is expensive, and apparently not too convincing. This is fairly common among Trans Men. Since a vagina is so utterly feminine in nature, and gay men are generally attracted to everything that's masculine, I can certainly understand why the sexual experience seems strange to you. You're a gay man who's used to dick, so the whole situation seems a little bizarre and unreal. Yet you also love the guy and seem to be capable of getting beyond your initial -- for lack of a better word -- queasiness. As weeks go by you will probably become more and more comfortable with this situation, especially if you truly see him as a man and if both of you are in love with each other. If you never quite get used to it, then you both may have to face the fact that you just want and need a guy with a penis and that's that. [You can also try alternate sexual positions. If you're a top is your boyfriend willing to be a bottom on the, ahem, other end? If you have to make adjustments, so can he.]
I don't pretend to be an expert on transsexuality so I would suggest searching out web sites devoted to the subject where you can find out more and also possibly get in touch with other gay guys who are dating trans men. I know they exist. While trans men generally wind up dating or in relationships with other trans men -- or trans women, depending on their sexual orientation -- I believe it has become more commonplace of late for transsexuals to have relationships with non-transsexuals. Your situation is still unusual, perhaps, but not that unusual.
In the meantime, I'm not so certain it's a good idea for you to keep from your boyfriend the fact that you're not quite adjusting to the reality of his physical being. He needs to know that there is a problem, and maybe he can help you with it. It's better that he know now instead of finding out after he's hopelessly in love and you realize that you just can't make a complete adjustment.
On the other hand, sometimes love does conquer all.
I suggest you read another post on this blog regarding this very situation, as well as the several comments that follow it.
A couple of months back i met this guy, i saw him at this bar, he instantly caught my attention, he's just so handsome! -- nice styled hair, Greek god abs and pecs and charming gray eyes. So i spent the rest of the night chatting him up and trying my charms on him, and by the end of the night i gave him my number and he left me drooling like a high school girl. And so we went out. While at the beginning i was just looking for a quick fling like most boys in their twenties, this seemed to take a more serious turn, but i didn't care.
With a couple of dates past and having come to know each other well, i started making several bold sexual advances, and he would always deflect them. So i started to have my suspicions, and eventually we got a moment in private at his place to talk about that and the conversation took a turn i never saw coming. It turns out the reason he wouldn't respond to my advances is the fact that he is a female to male transsexual. I was prepared for many situations but didn't know how to react to that, and so we talked about that for several hours; he said that he was too afraid of the sex reassignment surgery and besides had heard it didn't have such good results, so eventually i told him that i love him and that it doesn't matter. Then we stepped into the bedroom. I gotta say i love him and all but it was weird, it took some concentration to actually perform, something that had never happened before, but above all i enjoyed it and instead of concentrating on the state of his genitals i just concentrated on who i was with.
So a couple of days later i learned that a good friend of mine is a good friend of his too. He said he had not said a word [about his being a trans man] because he didn't want it to get in the way of a possible relationship. He also understood how the sex could get awkward, but i said that i couldn't tell him that. Truth is every time we have sex i must concentrate beforehand, and even though i enjoy it and it's been good so far i just can't seem to get "ready" without a little mental preparation. I truly love him and i don't want that to get in the way. I mean the rest of his body is clearly and beautifully manly, and i don't feel like me or anyone is in a position to force him into the [sex realignment] procedure.
It's just, i don't want this to get in the way as much as it does. I also do not have that much knowledge about the transsexual community, and it seems that female to males are harder to learn about than the other way around...
To finish i just want to know if there is any case like this that you know of. I have never known another relationship like this and i want it to go nicely. I mean the sex seems to be the only problem, and he hasn't so far known that it is. I mean it's something new to me, and i enjoy it but it still causes some trouble in my head, i just don't know...
Okay, for someone born biologically female to be convincingly masculine, they have to have some procedures of some sort done, even if it's just taking certain hormones, so your boyfriend must have had some work on his body. I take that the problem you have is that he's held on to his vagina instead of getting an artificial penis, which is expensive, and apparently not too convincing. This is fairly common among Trans Men. Since a vagina is so utterly feminine in nature, and gay men are generally attracted to everything that's masculine, I can certainly understand why the sexual experience seems strange to you. You're a gay man who's used to dick, so the whole situation seems a little bizarre and unreal. Yet you also love the guy and seem to be capable of getting beyond your initial -- for lack of a better word -- queasiness. As weeks go by you will probably become more and more comfortable with this situation, especially if you truly see him as a man and if both of you are in love with each other. If you never quite get used to it, then you both may have to face the fact that you just want and need a guy with a penis and that's that. [You can also try alternate sexual positions. If you're a top is your boyfriend willing to be a bottom on the, ahem, other end? If you have to make adjustments, so can he.]
I don't pretend to be an expert on transsexuality so I would suggest searching out web sites devoted to the subject where you can find out more and also possibly get in touch with other gay guys who are dating trans men. I know they exist. While trans men generally wind up dating or in relationships with other trans men -- or trans women, depending on their sexual orientation -- I believe it has become more commonplace of late for transsexuals to have relationships with non-transsexuals. Your situation is still unusual, perhaps, but not that unusual.
In the meantime, I'm not so certain it's a good idea for you to keep from your boyfriend the fact that you're not quite adjusting to the reality of his physical being. He needs to know that there is a problem, and maybe he can help you with it. It's better that he know now instead of finding out after he's hopelessly in love and you realize that you just can't make a complete adjustment.
On the other hand, sometimes love does conquer all.
I suggest you read another post on this blog regarding this very situation, as well as the several comments that follow it.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Dating Trans Man
I am a gay man who is friends with a Trans Man who I like very much and find attractive. We've made out a couple of times but it's never gone any further. Recently he let me know that he wants to take our relationship to the next level. The problem is that, although he is definitely a man, he hasn't fully transitioned and still has a vagina. I don't want to hurt his feelings or lose him as a friend, but I have to admit that's a problem for me -- I'm into d--k. I feel like a bigot or something but it's just too big of a hurdle. Any advice? Anon.
You're not a bigot, you're just a gay guy who knows what he wants. Just as you respect your friend for being true to himself, you have a right to be true to yourself as well. [For the record a Trans Man is someone who was born biologically female but is male inside, and undergoes various procedures to look as masculine on the outside as he is on the inside. Unfortunately, many Trans Men cannot afford an artificial penis and when they can are disappointed with the way it looks. Therefore many retain female sexual organs.]
Trans Men, be they straight or gay, are in a difficult position because -- like it or not, and don't anybody kill the messenger -- a man with a vagina is still considered pretty exotic if not downright weird in our culture, even in the gay community. That perception will undoubtedly change over time. Also, while the public has known of male-to-female sex changes since the days of Christine Jorgenson, the opposite is not as well-known, which also will change over time. Gay men don't have a "fear of the vagina" as some have charged (an outdated, rather homophobic notion, in fact) they just have a disinterest in it -- it's not a turn-on. The same for straight women. Even bisexual individuals may not be attracted to a person who combines the characteristics of both sexes.
Some gay Trans Men find lovers in the edgier or "kinkier" members of the gay male community (or with each other). Yes, it sounds terrible, but that is how some have put it, and how some see sex with a man with a vagina. There's no point beating yourself up because you're not as -- for lack of a better word -- "kinky" as some.
If you were madly in love with this man, you might be able to overcome all obstacles (straight women have, on occasion, stayed with husbands who transition, for instance) -- but maybe not. It's likely that you would have a problem even with an "ordinary" man who for one reason or another lacked a male sex organ or had impotency problems. That doesn't make you prejudiced against Trans Men or anyone else. Just as the fact that you don't want to have sex with women who have vaginas doesn't make you a sexist.
My advice is to gently tell your friend how you feel. Assure him that you can give him friendship and love of the platonic variety. Don't lead him on by making out with him, even if you want to -- that's just not fair. He's got to know that it will not lead to anything of a lasting nature, or even to a hot sexual episode.
Be this guy's friend. If he's in love with you, it will be very difficult for him, and he may need to cut you out of his life to get over you. But maybe his feelings aren't that intense. Hopefully he will understand how you feel and you can continue to have a cherished friendship.
You're not a bigot, you're just a gay guy who knows what he wants. Just as you respect your friend for being true to himself, you have a right to be true to yourself as well. [For the record a Trans Man is someone who was born biologically female but is male inside, and undergoes various procedures to look as masculine on the outside as he is on the inside. Unfortunately, many Trans Men cannot afford an artificial penis and when they can are disappointed with the way it looks. Therefore many retain female sexual organs.]
Trans Men, be they straight or gay, are in a difficult position because -- like it or not, and don't anybody kill the messenger -- a man with a vagina is still considered pretty exotic if not downright weird in our culture, even in the gay community. That perception will undoubtedly change over time. Also, while the public has known of male-to-female sex changes since the days of Christine Jorgenson, the opposite is not as well-known, which also will change over time. Gay men don't have a "fear of the vagina" as some have charged (an outdated, rather homophobic notion, in fact) they just have a disinterest in it -- it's not a turn-on. The same for straight women. Even bisexual individuals may not be attracted to a person who combines the characteristics of both sexes.
Some gay Trans Men find lovers in the edgier or "kinkier" members of the gay male community (or with each other). Yes, it sounds terrible, but that is how some have put it, and how some see sex with a man with a vagina. There's no point beating yourself up because you're not as -- for lack of a better word -- "kinky" as some.
If you were madly in love with this man, you might be able to overcome all obstacles (straight women have, on occasion, stayed with husbands who transition, for instance) -- but maybe not. It's likely that you would have a problem even with an "ordinary" man who for one reason or another lacked a male sex organ or had impotency problems. That doesn't make you prejudiced against Trans Men or anyone else. Just as the fact that you don't want to have sex with women who have vaginas doesn't make you a sexist.
My advice is to gently tell your friend how you feel. Assure him that you can give him friendship and love of the platonic variety. Don't lead him on by making out with him, even if you want to -- that's just not fair. He's got to know that it will not lead to anything of a lasting nature, or even to a hot sexual episode.
Be this guy's friend. If he's in love with you, it will be very difficult for him, and he may need to cut you out of his life to get over you. But maybe his feelings aren't that intense. Hopefully he will understand how you feel and you can continue to have a cherished friendship.
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