Boyfriend Marries Woman

Hello Dr. Bill,

The last few days have been extremely traumatic for me - I am Asian and my ex-partner is too. We met 5 years ago and from the first minute we both just clicked and knew we were made for each other. At that time we were in India and due to the circumstances prevalent there, we both felt it would be better if we moved into a society which was more accepting of gays and where we could be anonymous. Subsequently within a few months he got the chance to study in the UK for a year and we planned that when he graduated and got a job I would come over and join him. Even a year of a long distance relationship did not put a damper on our love - I came over to the UK and we started living together.

I got a job as well and slowly our standard of living improved and all seemed set for us. Yes we were extremely passionate and occasional fights would get very 'hot' and bitter - but we never let it slip out of hand. We even came out to our families and professed love for each other. A few months ago after a fight he tells me he is engaged to a girl in India in an arranged marriage and their wedding has been fixed for August. I was truly perplexed and even after him telling me all this I kept living with him. Till the last day before he was to catch his flight I pleaded with him to not do it - he said he knew it was a mistake but he desperately wanted kids, plus he says our fights used to leave him so shaken that although he loves me he could not live with me any more, it was too late to go back now. He even says he is open to continuing the relationship after his marriage !! He is now probably married and I feel lost and abandoned in a foreign country - my emotions oscillate between anger and a desire to cling to the hope that he may see the light and come back to me.... I know that I will never be a 'side-show' for him - for now I am not even keen on casual sex. I love my man and want him back - Just need advise on what to do..... Take care and thanks.

It's very important for you not to feel despair even during this very upsetting [to put it mildly] situation.

If you are somehow in touch with your lover, there are a couple of points you can make. The first is about children. Gay men do not have to marry women to have children anymore. Many gay couples adopt children, and some hire surrogates [or a female friend] to give birth to children that they, the gay couple, can raise. This has become very commonplace. The second point is that if your temper or temperament is an issue, you can assure your lover that you'll do something about it, and get counseling or therapy to keep your anger in control.

You said you both came out to your families, and you also said that he told you about this arranged marriage after the two of you had a big fight. There are two possibilities. The "arranged marriage" is not real and your lover only said it to hurt you because he was angry, or the marriage is real, and it was forced upon your lover by his parents, who may not have been happy when he told them he was gay.

In either case, you can hope that he will come back to you after a suitable cooling off period, or if he realizes that his marriage was a total mistake.

You may not be in the mood for casual sex, but you still have to get out there, meet people, date other guys. The alternative is to sit around brooding and feeling terrible, and worse, you'll have no support network to help you. If there are any gay centers or bars in your area, you may find friends or at least acquaintances, some of whom may have had similar experiences.

It is also possible that while you may be comfortable with your sexuality, your boyfriend is not. In that case, whatever your feelings for each other, he would not have made a reliable or supportive life partner. He is also showing insensitivity by suggesting that the two of you continue your relationship after he has become married to someone else! [You're not the only gay man to be put in this situation. My advice in these cases is to say you want it "all or nothing at all." It may be tempting to take him back on a part-time or halfway basis, but why should you share someone, especially someone who has the bad taste to enter into a phony straight relationship?]

Maybe this guy will see the error of his ways, but don't sit around and wait for him to do so. I know you're upset and heart-broken right now, but you may find if you go out and meet new men, the right man may be out there waiting for you.

Good Luck! Let me know if I can be of any further help.

When Gay Friends Split

Hope this question isn't too frivolous for you, Dr. Bill. I'm a straight woman whose been friends for years with two guys who have been lovers for over fifteen years. They broke up only a few months ago but I've remained friends with them and even tried to get them back together -- however, now they don't even want to be in the same room together, it's that bad. I'm having a big fiftieth birthday bash in a couple of months and want both of them there; I still love both of them. Some of my friends, gay and straight, tell me that I just can't invite both of them -- they will fight with each other, get angry at me, and the whole thing will become a big mess. What can I do? A.

First, thanks for your question. There's nothing "frivolous" about it. [You should see some of the questions I get.] When a couple -- gay or straight -- breaks up, it's always difficult to stay friends with both and it's admirable that you've managed to do just that. Is there really a danger that they will fight if they encounter each other at your birthday bash? Do they both realize that you have remained friends with the other, or do they each think that you've "chosen sides?" If so, you've got to level with them and ask them both to be reasonable. This is your big day -- congratulations, by the way -- and if they're really friends of yours they won't want to spoil it. If one or both expect you to choose sides, tell them they're being unfair. Again the key word here is reasonable. If they can't behave in a reasonable fashion, then maybe your only choice is not to invite either of them. (I suspect that they might be big "drama queens," eh? Maybe not.)

A lot depends on where you're having this bash and how many people will be there. Obviously these two men cannot avoid each other if you're having a sit-down dinner or small party with only a few people in your living room. If you're having a larger group in, say, a restaurant, maybe they can stay in neutral corners and out of each other's way.

Talk to them, tell them how you feel, tell them you want both of them there. Understand that if they really hate the idea of seeing one another -- it may simply cause too much pain or anger --one or both may decide not to attend and at least then it will no longer be a problem. You may miss their presence on this special evening, but at least you won't be on edge all night fearing an explosion. Hopefully, they will both decide that their friendship for you is more important than whatever animosity they may feel for each other, but when couples break up after many years, the animosity may sometimes be too big to overcome. At least for awhile.

Hope it works out and have a great night!