My boyfriend is straight and not homophobic and chooses to work in a gay bar as a bartender. What I can't understand is why can't some of the gay men there accept that my boyfriend is straight and not keep asking him if he's gay and hitting on him all the time, I mean, aren't gays supposed to be tolerant because they're discriminated against themselves, right? Some of the customers get angry when he says he's straight, and I know he doesn't like it when they think he's gay or even tell him he is and then even start to flirt with him. JP.
He doesn't like it or you don't? It sounds like you've got a few issues that your boyfriend may or may not share. Are you afraid if they customers flirt with your boyfriend he might flirt back?
Gay men are divided when it comes to straight bartenders in our bars. Some think -- who cares? He's just the person who serves me my drinks. Others feel mighty uncomfortable with straight-identified bartenders. They fear that even a gay-friendly straight guy always feels superior to a gay man. Then there's the fact that we live in a world where many MSM (Men who have Sex with Men) don't identify as gay or even bisexual because they're ashamed and are more or less leading a straight, closeted life. They have girlfriends or wives and children. Now it may seem unlikely that someone like this would work in a gay bar, but it is definitely not unheard of. I'm not saying that your boyfriend is one of these gay-friendly closet cases, as I call them, but you have to understand why gay men are often cynical about guys who immerse themselves in gay culture (and working in a gay bar is immersing yourself in gay culture) yet who claim to be totally straight. You and your boyfriend have to realize that it goes with the territory that most customers assume the bartenders in a gay bar are gay. If it bothers him all that much he probably shouldn't be working in a gay bar.
Why does he get angry if people think he's gay? Deep down does he think there's something wrong in being gay? Straight men who are truly secure and comfortable in their sexuality shouldn't get their noses out of joint if someone mistakenly believes they're gay. Especially when they're working in a gay bar! Some straight men who are assumed to be gay develop a sense of humor about it and others feel complimented by it but if your boyfriend gets angry it's sending a very negative message to the gay guys who are, after all, giving him tips and helping him make a living.
I get that you don't like your boyfriend working in this place. He may be a really cool, super-accepting straight guy (although the way you describe him makes me wonder) but he may also be a gay/bi man working through his issues in a homoerotic environment in which he may eventually come to terms with his sexual identity. It's happened before. I've met a few straight-identified guys working in gay bars and some of them did ultimately turn out to be gay or bisexual. Not having met your boyfriend I can't say with any certainty what the story is with him. In any case, if he's really straight, he's not going to "turn gay" just because some gay men flirt with him or make an occasional pass. You both need to get over it or he needs to find a new job.
One last thing. Where is it written that because gay men are discriminated against that means we have to be more tolerant? Certainly gay people shouldn't be racist or sexist or anti-Semitic and so on. But aren't we allowed to be human and have our own little prejudices? Mind you, I'm not saying that if a gay man prefers gay bartenders over straight ones that that makes him "heterophobic." I personally know a number of fine, friendly, entertaining straight men (although they don't work in gay bars) but let's face it: In gay bars, gay men are always a lot more fun than straight guys!
Showing posts with label straight men in gay bars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label straight men in gay bars. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Settling Scores
A straight guy who works at a mixed (gay and straight) bar in my town seems friendly on the surface, but when he's holding court over some of his straight friends he makes generalizations about gays that, frankly, make my blood boil. (I don't think he knows what my orientation is because I'm not stereotypical.) Gay men are this, gay men are that. I wouldn't necessarily say he's outright homophobic, but it's like he ignores the realities and diversities of the gay men who come into the bar and spews out these same old stereotypical notions. What do I do about it? Anon.
Say something. But first, go into the bar with a male date and make out at the bar right in front of this schmo. That way he'll know he'd better watch his step around you and watch what he says. Then the next time he says something stupid, definitely call him on it. Or say something before then. It's a perfect opportunity to educate someone. If he's an intelligent person, he can learn from what you have to say. If he's an asshole -- and he just might be -- then you're wasting your breath. But still try it. If this is a bar that welcomes gays and takes their money, why should you have to put up with his dumb remarks?
I can relate to what you say that even though he works in a bar with many gay customers he only sees what he wants to see. Some straight-identified men are only comfortable with gay men who fit into their narrow notions of what it means to be a gay man. It's like the rest of us are invisible. It's similar to white racists who only see African-Americans in limited terms, and can't see the diversity of that community even when it's staring them in the face.
Lastly, even people who seem gay-friendly can be homophobic or have some outdated, homophobic notions. Don't simmer in silence. Confront them on it. It may make for an unpleasant experience if the person you confront is a jerk, but maybe you'll get a pleasant surprise.
In any case, don't let him get away with it.
Say something. But first, go into the bar with a male date and make out at the bar right in front of this schmo. That way he'll know he'd better watch his step around you and watch what he says. Then the next time he says something stupid, definitely call him on it. Or say something before then. It's a perfect opportunity to educate someone. If he's an intelligent person, he can learn from what you have to say. If he's an asshole -- and he just might be -- then you're wasting your breath. But still try it. If this is a bar that welcomes gays and takes their money, why should you have to put up with his dumb remarks?
I can relate to what you say that even though he works in a bar with many gay customers he only sees what he wants to see. Some straight-identified men are only comfortable with gay men who fit into their narrow notions of what it means to be a gay man. It's like the rest of us are invisible. It's similar to white racists who only see African-Americans in limited terms, and can't see the diversity of that community even when it's staring them in the face.
Lastly, even people who seem gay-friendly can be homophobic or have some outdated, homophobic notions. Don't simmer in silence. Confront them on it. It may make for an unpleasant experience if the person you confront is a jerk, but maybe you'll get a pleasant surprise.
In any case, don't let him get away with it.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Straight Son in Gay Bar
My son, who is straight, recently started working in a gay bar, and he is very annoyed at the way everyone there just assumes he's gay. He hasn't been there long, and he's thinking of quitting. Why can't a man work in a gay bar without everyone thinking he's gay? Concerned Mama.
Actually these days many gay bars seem to have straight -- or at least straight-identified -- employees, so obviously the managers of these establishments don't always have an aversion to hiring straight people. I do have to say if a straight man finds it uncomfortable working in a gay environment -- as your son seems to -- then, frankly, he shouldn't work in a gay bar. It troubles me that you seem to think it's the fault of the customers -- you don't state this outright but it's tacit in what you say -- but the fact remains that most of the bartenders in gay bars are gay, so most people who go into the bar will assume your son is homosexual as well. If you're honest, isn't your son more likely to be concerned that his straight friends outside the bar will think he's gay once they find out where he's working? If this is a problem for him, he should move on. And if you're totally honest with yourself, isn't your chief concern not that your son may be uncomfortable but that the customers may be right? (There is nothing wrong with being gay!)
First of all, I don't know if your son is really straight (and neither do you, to be blunt) because many of the straight-identified bartenders in gay bars are working through their sexual identity issues, enjoying an open and free gay environment until they can finally get past their personal hang ups and "stand up and be counted" as gay along with everyone else. Many gay people can't understand why a straight guy, no matter how gay-friendly he may think he is, wouldn't prefer to work in a straight bar where he wouldn't have to worry about what people think of his sexuality and could meet plenty of "babes" of the opposite sex.
Your son could be genuinely hetero, I suppose, but if he really hates that everyone thinks he's gay -- a homophobic reaction in my opinion, considering it's an environment where people are not "punished" for being gay -- then he has no business working in a gay bar. It takes a very secure, very open-minded, very liberal, very special kind of straight guy to work in a gay bar, and I really don't know if there are many of them around, even today.
Actually these days many gay bars seem to have straight -- or at least straight-identified -- employees, so obviously the managers of these establishments don't always have an aversion to hiring straight people. I do have to say if a straight man finds it uncomfortable working in a gay environment -- as your son seems to -- then, frankly, he shouldn't work in a gay bar. It troubles me that you seem to think it's the fault of the customers -- you don't state this outright but it's tacit in what you say -- but the fact remains that most of the bartenders in gay bars are gay, so most people who go into the bar will assume your son is homosexual as well. If you're honest, isn't your son more likely to be concerned that his straight friends outside the bar will think he's gay once they find out where he's working? If this is a problem for him, he should move on. And if you're totally honest with yourself, isn't your chief concern not that your son may be uncomfortable but that the customers may be right? (There is nothing wrong with being gay!)
First of all, I don't know if your son is really straight (and neither do you, to be blunt) because many of the straight-identified bartenders in gay bars are working through their sexual identity issues, enjoying an open and free gay environment until they can finally get past their personal hang ups and "stand up and be counted" as gay along with everyone else. Many gay people can't understand why a straight guy, no matter how gay-friendly he may think he is, wouldn't prefer to work in a straight bar where he wouldn't have to worry about what people think of his sexuality and could meet plenty of "babes" of the opposite sex.
Your son could be genuinely hetero, I suppose, but if he really hates that everyone thinks he's gay -- a homophobic reaction in my opinion, considering it's an environment where people are not "punished" for being gay -- then he has no business working in a gay bar. It takes a very secure, very open-minded, very liberal, very special kind of straight guy to work in a gay bar, and I really don't know if there are many of them around, even today.
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