Gay Men and Liquor

Are gay men more prone to alcoholism, especially as they age?

Here we have another issue that depends greatly on the individual. First there is a difference between actual "alcoholism" -- an honest-to-goodness addiction to alcohol -- and heavy drinking that may be caused by, in part, [temporary] problems in a person's life. This remains true regardless of the sex of the individual or their sexual orientation.

It has always been true that some people turn to alcohol in times of great stress, as the "buzz" or more that they get from drinking can help them temporarily forget their problems and feel good for a time. This should not necessarily be confused with true alcoholism, an insidious and progressive disease that has nothing to do with an individual's problems or the stress in their life, although it may be exacerbated by same.

A lot has been written about the aging gay man, who is alone (especially if a partner has died), and who may be afraid he is losing his attractiveness and the ability to attract a partner for sex and romance. I dare say this has more to do with growing older than it has to do with being gay. Straight men also suffer the same insecurities, the fear of loss of virility and the ability to attract women, as they grow older. Some men age well; some men do not. How a man deals with getting older often depends on other factors in his life such as his health, financial stability, number of friends and so on, none of which have much to do with sexual orientation.

Because of the isolation that some older gay men feel [and undoubtedly straight men as well, particularly if they are divorced, single or widowers] there are those who insist that aging gay men are more prone to alcoholism, but the truth is much more complex.

There are those in the gay community, as well as the straight, who turn to alcohol for solace (which, as noted, is not the same as genuine alcoholism) and those who don't. There is no indication that there are more alcoholics in the gay male community than in any other segment of the population.

Gay Men and Aging

I am a gay man in my forties and I have some friends my age and younger -- and sometimes older -- who are frequently making disparaging remarks about mature gay men, especially seniors and the elderly. Some of this is good-natured and not to be taken seriously, but sometimes the remarks are nasty and hateful. I worry about getting older, like most people do, I believe, but the last thing I want to do is make things worse for older gay men by putting them down, just as I don't want to be put down simply for getting older, which no one can help. Any thoughts on this? Do you think the gay community is more ageist than the straight world? 

Definitely not. Age discrimination is part of American culture [and no doubt other countries as well] and sexual orientation has nothing to do with it. No one enjoys getting older, not just because of that very real discrimination but because of health issues that sometimes crop up with increasing age, not to mention the sense of time running out that many older people feel. Different people handle getting older differently, and some can't handle it at all. How we deal with aging has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves, and how our lives are going as we mature. An aging person -- gay or otherwise -- who has financial security, enjoys their work, and is in a stable, loving relationship will find it easier to deal with getting older than someone who has none of those things. Someone who has achieved most or all of their life goals may find aging easier than someone whose dreams did not come true and sadly realizes that they probably never will. Yet even those people in the latter categories can still find different kinds of fulfillment as they grow older.

It's also true that people who have negative, nasty attitudes toward older people may find it that much tougher to get older themselves. Age discrimination can be caused by thoughtlessness, or it can be the product of a stupid or superficial mentality.

As for gay men and aging, the myth is that gay men all want to run and kill themselves when they hit forty or fifty, but judging from the very large mature gay male population I would say most gay men don't see that as a viable option. Nowadays people live and stay healthier longer, and enjoy active sex lives well into their seventies or even older. Straight men do not enjoy getting older and being viewed as "over the hill" or as "old-timers" any more than gay men do. And the male ego -- gay or straight -- always worries about sexual potency. For the record, most aging gay men won't need viagra.

Try not to worry too much about getting older. You probably have many, many wonderful years ahead. I know many men in their fifties, sixties and seventies and older who are still enjoying life, still getting out and about, still cruising, and still having very satisfying sex lives and romances, even if they don't have partners or perfect lives.

Gay Old Friends

Dear Dr. Bill, Love your blog. [Thank you! "Dr." Bill]

I grew up with a friend I will call "Nate" in elementary school from K-8. He and I were very best friends -- joked together, played together, trusted in each other, worked on many projects together. (Nothing physical ever happened, in terms of experimenting.) He and I essentially went our separate ways when we went to different high schools. There was little contact during high school, mostly because he never seemed to want to be in touch with me at that time of his life. Then, I went to college in New York for pre-law and he went to college in Canada for architecture and we lost touch altogether.

I do a lot of Google sleuthing to try to find old friends, for whatever reason (maybe I find it hard to let go of the past; or maybe it's just hard to find friends now who seem as great as childhood friends). Anyway, I discovered through Google searching that my Nate (who I have not seen in 30 years) is gay. Just like me. I suppose I always wondered if he was. But I never knew for certain until I saw various things on the Web that make it clear he's gay, and out, where he lives.

The thing is: Nate doesn't seem to want to communicate with me, and I don't know why. I have sent a few letters and emails and just get back silence in return. In one long email I came out to him and really expressed a sincere interest in getting back in touch, reminiscing, catching up. It just seems that we would now have more to talk about than ever. But he seems to have no interest, or something is holding him back. I can't think of any arguments or bad feelings between us at all.

Naturally I don't want to phone him and put him on the spot, if he cannot even bring himself to write to me. Talk about awkward. I don't want to make Nate think I am stalking him or that I am really needy and won't just let him be. And yet, we were such a big part of each other's lives as kids that it bothers me he is ignoring my efforts to reach out. I feel rejected, or that the friendship is being betrayed (even if it's not exactly a current friendship).

I know, I know, get a life, right? Move ahead, not back, and don't live in the past. All good advice. But why is it so hard to do that?

Possibly it's hard for you to move ahead because of some dissatisfaction with your current situation? Maybe it isn't this guy at all, but what he represents? I'm assuming that childhood was basically a happy period for you, and maybe you hope that reconnecting with this old friend will bring back some of those happy experiences. However, a person can find happiness with new people and new experiences at any age.

You have to remember that you haven't really seen this guy or interacted with him in thirty years, and his memories of you and the fun you had together may not be as sharp as yours. He's all grown up now, as are you, and despite the fact that both of you are gay, he may feel like the two of you have very separate interests or attitudes [just because he didn't reply doesn't mean he didn't read your letters or emails; you may have revealed things that made him feel the two of you would not get along as you did in childhood. And I definitely would not phone him!]

You also mention that he didn't seem interested in staying friends when the two of you went to separate high schools. Sometimes old friends just grow apart and not just in distance. It doesn't necessarily mean he has anything against you but more that he's dealing with his own reality -- then and now -- and connecting with an old friend he hasn't seen since he was basically a child is not a top priority at this time. You may just have caught him at a bad moment.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to reconnect with a childhood friend, and I can understand that you feel a bit rejected and disappointed, especially as it turns out that both of you are gay. If you had some kind of special feelings for him during those youthful days it would probably intensify the feeling of rejection. If you're like most people you've fantasized about what it might be like if you two of you met face to face after all these years, and you're frustrated that it may never take place.

The truth is that some people really don't want to go back into the past. I had great times in college, for instance, but not once have I ever had any desire to go back for a reunion. Your old friend may have so much going on in his life right now that he just doesn't have either the time or desire to renew acquaintances -- and let's face it, you and he haven't really been friends -- or even acquaintances in any realistic fashion -- in many a year.

It's possible that he's just going through a busy period and will get in touch with you when he has a chance to catch his breath. You've told him how you feel, offered the invitation -- the rest is up to him.

But if you don't hear from him try not to feel too bad. People change as they grow older. They need different things, have different attitudes.

In other words, it may be more about him than about you.