"No Fats, No Femmes"

I was in a couple of gay bars the other night and saw a few guys flocking around these obese, effeminate men as if they were hot porn stars. Whatever happened to "no fats, no femmes" that you used to see -- have gay standards changed so much that a swishy guy who avoids the gym and takes absolutely no care of himself has suddenly become a sex symbol? I just don't get it.

You're not alone. But remember -- there's no accounting for taste except that everyone has his own "type." There have always been "chubby chasers" in the gay community and if there seem to be more of them than ever, it may be because the guys they like are feeling freer to go out and cruise now that there are places, such as bear bars, where they can feel comfortable and meet people who like them. Obese men used to avoid the typical gay bar or "meat market" because they feared no one would be interested, but the more accepting bear community -- where you can be older, fatter, balder, and not handsome and still find your share of admirers -- has changed the equation; you won't often find "big" guys cruising in "regular" gay bars.

The strange thing is that most "big and fat" guys tend to be admired because of their masculinity. Feminine chubby guys are even more of an acquired taste. There are men who don't focus on the total package, but simply have a fat fetish -- therefore it doesn't matter if the guy is masculine or not, or what he looks like as long as he has lots of excessive avoirdupois!

On one hand, it's good that all kinds of men who don't fit neatly into conventional standards of handsomeness can still have fun and feel attractive. On the other hand, as I've said before, there's a danger in making obese men, especially morbidly obese men, sex symbols. I'm well aware that the bear lifestyle has its good points, but perhaps in its gleeful disregard of taking care of yourself, it isn't doing a lot of gay guys much of a favor.

Top 20 Health and Medical Sites

Hi Bill,

I just posted an article on my site that I thought your readers might find interesting as well. It's called "Top 20 Health and Medical Q & A Sites" ( http://lpntobsnonline.org/2011/top-20-health-and-medical-q-a-sites/ ).

If you think that my article might spark your readers' attention, I was wondering if you might consider mentioning it on your site?

Either way, I really appreciate your time.

Thanks,
Brad Morgans

My pleasure! Bill

Anal Bleaching?

I was perusing a gay magazine the other day and saw an ad for something called "anal bleaching." It was some sort of cosmetic procedure, I believe. I asked quite a few of my gay friends and no one has ever heard of this. Dr. Bill, do you know what "anal bleaching" is and why would a gay man, or anyone else, want it? PT.

I'm tempted to say that anal bleaching is a new way for people to throw away their money and for people with too much time on their hands to waste it. But here's the skinny. Apparently as some people, especially lighter-skinned people, get older, the skin around the anus becomes darker or discolored and supposedly unsightly. Now I can understand some people not wanting to have discolored teeth, but a discolored anus is something else again. I presume that the most likely candidates for this procedure are porn stars, but like teeth whitening, botox and everything else that becomes trendy, soon anal bleaching will be all the rage for, as I say, gay and straight people, male and female, who have way too much time and money and don't want to miss out on the latest "thing."

The bleach that is used to lighten the skin around the anus is banned in France and other countries because it is considered toxic. There are supposed to be innumerable unhealthy side effects to this procedure as well.

My advice? Leave your anus alone -- unless, of course, someone wants to "touch it up" in the bedroom.

"Market Value"

A question for your blog:

What would you say to a gay man in his 40s who did all the hard work to come out and accept his sexuality two decades ago, but who now finds himself isolated, without confidence, and without a sex life because of...a psychiatric disorder?

I've been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder since I was 19 and it's been a rough ride, with lots of ups and downs, crushing mood swings, hospital stays, and interruptions of employment. But through it all I managed to continue to be persistent and work on having an "out" gay life: making gay friends, being active in gay organizations, dating, and keeping myself open to the possibility of a long-term relationship some day with someone who would love me and be attracted to me regardless of my health.

But recently it's become hard indeed to be optimistic about my romantic prospects. Two years ago I had a series of terrible manic episodes, alienated a lot of friends, lost a lot of money, lost a good job, and even had minor skirmishes with police. I am still not working and I get by on some savings and a modest Social Security disability check. I have to watch my money closely. I don't have a lot of hope for working full-time again, though it might happen. I am lonely. I feel very awkward about opening up about my illness to prospective new gay friends because I don't know how they would react. I think, and I believe accurately, that most gay men wanting dates or relationships want people without "baggage" and would not look kindly upon starting a new attachment to someone unstable or whose problems carry a lot of stigma.

To put it another way, I am discouraged because I think my "market value" in the gay dating game has plunged since I was young. I'm 20 years older than when I came out. I'm not in the greatest physical shape, partly because medication caused me to gain weight and it's hard to lose it. I'm not working (except for volunteering, which is fun), and I think gay guys really look for people with jobs and financial stability. I know I have good qualities...I'm smart, well-educated, creative, a great listener, empathetic (in part due to the rough experiences I have weathered). And I have many fascinating stories to tell. But still I can't get past the idea that 99% of the guys out there want to steer clear of someone like me, and that all those years of struggling to come out and tell everyone proudly that I was gay were wasted. Nothing much came from it. I'm basically cut off from the larger gay crowd now.

I am in therapy to explore these issues (no surprise!), but I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Yours, S.

First, I'm glad you're in therapy, because, as I'm sure you know, some things can't be solved or easily resolved even by the great Dr. Bill, LOL. However, I do have some positive things to say to you.

It may be true that most people -- gay or straight -- look for people without "baggage" when they're in the dating game, but it's also true that there are very few people who don't have some baggage. Regardless of sex or sexual orientation, loneliness may increase with age and people begin --although it sounds terrible to put it this way -- "settling," or -- to put it a better way -- becoming more realistic that there are very few princes out there, and that if you expect perfection in a person or relationship you're going to be either disappointed or alone. On dating sites most people put their best foot forward and don't mention the negatives. Total honesty is admirable, but there's no reason you should discuss anything so personal with someone who's simply an acquaintance. I would dare say that most people, no matter what their problems are, don't start revealing intimate, possibly "negative," details about themselves until they've gotten to know the other person better. Who knows what baggage the other person is carrying? (Be prepared. Once you "confess" -- or at least bring up some of your problems -- after a suitable period -- you may be surprised what the other person may tell you!)

Some men will be turned off by your problems and move on. Others may have come to like you so much that they'll want to continue. Give them time to get to know you and recognize your good qualities before you reveal all. As for not being in great shape, don't worry about it. As I've said before not all gay men are exercise nuts, and some guys are positively turned on by pot bellies. If necessary, you can always start an exercise program. As for money, people tend to think all gay men are rich, when the truth is that there are plenty of blue collar, and even unemployed, gay guys out there who won't judge you by your income level. I mean, first of all we're talking about sex and companionship, simply finding someone who's compatible. Perfection is not required in a friend or fuck buddy. It may lead to a relationship, or it may not. This is true whether you carry baggage or don't. [As for a sex life, the guys looking to get laid on gay dating sites don't really care about your baggage as long as you have a d--k!]

Don't worry too much about finding a lover. The forties is still young. Friends can help ease your sense of isolation and they're less likely to judge you or expect perfection. Sometimes friendship can deepen into something more.

If you do try online dating, you can usually tell from a guy's profile if he's the kind who only wants Men With Bucks, Hot Bodies, or Perfect Princes. Such guys are generally full of themselves and so are their profiles. And they don't hear from as many guys as you might imagine, no matter what they look like. Guys who act like they're just so special and want the same are often a turn-off. I mean, they're on the same dating site as everyone else so maybe they're not so special. Maybe they even have baggage they don't want everyone to know about.

Never, ever feel that the struggle to come out was "wasted." Your problems would be worse and even more difficult to deal with if you were also struggling with self-hatred and non-acceptance. Continue to have a healthy attitude toward being gay. Believe me, the biggest barrier to finding a lover is internalized homophobia. Most gay men can sense this problem in other men and that's the one thing that they don't want to have to deal with. It's impossible to have a healthy gay relationship if you hate yourself or hate being gay, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's the chief reason many are not in relationships.

You have a lot on your plate, but remember that you're not alone. Not only are their many gay men who have similar financial and health/psychiatric issues, there are those who are dealing with being HIV positive (talk about a lowered dating "market value," although even that can be dealt with, as there are support and social groups for HIV+ men). You could explore the possibilities of getting into a support group for men over forty and I'll bet you'll find that most of the guys have problems of some nature (which is equally true in the hetero community). Everyone has problems of one sort or another; that's life!

So try to keep a positive attitude. Let people get to know you and like you. Nobody is required to tell a new acquaintance everything about themselves.

Best of luck! Let me know if there's anything else I can help with.

Crooked penis question

As a young gay man, I find your blog not only entertaining but incredibly informative. I’ve asked myself quite a few of the questions you’ve answered like, “are most gay men alcoholics?” I wanted to ask you about a particular erectile dysfunction many of your readers are sure to find very interesting—penile curvature. I’ve been face-to-face with this issue, but most men don’t realize that more than 1.4 million men in the U.S. suffer from penile curvature. This ailment is called Peyronie’s disease and it’s characterized by the formation of a plaque or hardened scar tissue beneath the skin of a man’s penis, which may lead to a painful curved erection. Have you heard of it?

The scariest part is that 50% of primary care physicians don’t think there is a treatment that works. There is this community called www.menshealthpd.com that is helping to set matters straight (pun very intended). The site equips men and doctors with information about signs and symptoms, and a full listing of the treatment options and how well each works. It also has a physician finder.

Since penile curvature can be a touchy subject, I figured you talking about it might motivate men and their partners to address the issue. There’s a public forum for the community where men can anonymously share experiences amongst themselves.

I’d love for you to take a peek around the site and share your feedback with your readers. Feel free to contact me with any questions. YG.

Many thanks for this information and for your comments. No, I had not heard of this and I'm happy to share information about it. Peyronie's is caused by an injury (sometimes during sex) or other kind of trauma to the penis, and is characterized by the formation of hardened scar tissue beneath the skin of the penis that my lead to curvature and pain during erection. Typically it affects men aged 45 - 65, but mostly in the mid-fifties. Sometimes surgery is required to repair the damage, but doctors carefully discuss the options with the affected patient and his partner. There are things that can be done for this!

The web site cited above provides much information about this, as well as support for sufferers.

Thanks again for bringing this to my attention.

Unsafe Sex

I'm gay but I can't understand why there are guys who take it up the ass without a condom, who even get ticked off if the top wants to use one? What's up with that? I would never have anal sex without a condom. Jerry.

To put it bluntly, they're nuts -- and so are you if you don't use a condom (glad to hear that you do). Guys like that are playing with fire; even if their sex partners say they're HIV negative doesn't mean they are, or that they've even been tested. I assume these guys have a crazy love of danger, think they're somehow immune to HIV or bad luck, have some kind of death wish, or thrive on taking nutty chances. Some will simply say that it feels better without a condom. Maybe (I'm a top man myself)? But even if the sensation is a bit muted isn't it better if it's safe?

These guys not only don't care about themselves, they don't care about you. Yes, you can contract HIV even if you are a top and have sex with a bottom. If you indulge in anal sex, always use a condom.

Why do these guys take such unnecessary risks (and there are straight guys like this as well as gay guys)? I guess it's all about the thrill, immediate gratification without responsibility. Or sheer stupidity? Younger gay guys did not grow up with dozens of their friends horribly wasting away and dying from AIDS. Older guys figure most of their life is over already, so who cares? They all think that if you contract HIV all you have to do is take a pill. HIV may no longer be a death sentence for most, but there are still serious social, sexual and health complications, and there are quite a few people who do not respond to medications. HIV infection is still a serious matter.

Avoid guys like this. At the very least insist on safe sex and condoms when you''re with them or just walk out the door.

There are plenty of more responsible guys in the gay community.