Monday, January 31, 2011

Another Gal with a Gay Boyfriend?

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now, and things seem to be a bit rough recently. My boyfriend, as our relationship progressed, has become very emotional
and gets angry very easily. If things don't go his way, he either turns away like a girl would or whines until things change. I have been putting up with it for a while, and sat down with my mom and told her. She asked me if maybe he was confused, as in sexually. And things
began to click. He always cares about his appearance, he has a strange love for shoes (male shoes however, air jordans) but has purple and gold shoes in his collection. He has feminine gestures, he sings always falsetto (says he's joking) and is very very self-conscious. He says
he can't be like he is around me in front of people. He's always asking me if i love him and if I care about him, which I do. He also will get upset if I don't kiss him right when I see him, and cuddles with me like he is the girl. Our sexual past was never rough, but we
don't have sex anymore on my call. I have a gay cousin who is in his late 20s who said he could tell he was gay from the moment he met him, a lot of my family agreed. I've been pushing myself away because of the arguing but the pain of him possibly being gay is devastating. How may I approach him in a way that won't offend him? I really need to know if this relationship is real anymore. If necessary to know, we are both freshman in college. I've known him my entire life and he was my first boyfriend in 8th grade. I've dated a
couple guys in between our relationship, I am his only girlfriend. His father is in the military and his mother strongly opposes gays from the bible standards, which I could see as a road block for him. I appreciate what you do, and hope to hear from you. I'm really upset
and confused :/ Thank you.

It is certainly possible that -- if your boyfriend is gay -- his upbringing might make him uncomfortable with his sexuality, and it is also true that people come to a realization/acceptance of their gayness at different ages. While many people identify as gay long before they get to college, that is not always the case.

However, your reasons for thinking he's gay sort of add up to a mass of stereotypes. There are certainly heterosexual men who "turn away and whine" and who like to cuddle, and plenty of gay men who don't! Singing falsetto isn't a sign of homosexuality, either, nor is being self-conscious. Some men -- straight or gay -- are emotional or dramatic, and that's no real clue to sexual orientation, either. Neither is taking pride in your appearance. I think you've seen too many episodes of Will and Grace.

Even the feminine gestures you refer to aren't necessarily a sign of homosexuality, as I have met straight guys who are a bit feminine in some ways but are still, apparently, straight, (just as most of the gay men I've met aren't especially feminine). Of course there are "queens" or "femmes" in the gay male community who are quite stereotypical in their behavior, but believe me they are actually in the minority even if they tend to "stand out" a little more.

And so he wants a kiss immediately when he sees you. That makes him gay?

Then there's the fondness for shoes [what no Broadway musicals?]. If you catch him wearing your high heels you might have to worry, but even then it's more likely he's a transvestite than a gay guy. [Gay men generally have no interest in dressing in drag]. Maybe he has a foot fetish.

All kidding aside, the only red flag I really get here is possibly the fact that your gay cousin is certain he's gay. But he could still be mistaken.

If you caught him looking at gay porn on his laptop, that might be something. It would certainly be more of a eyebrow raiser than his purple and gold shoes, albeit that might be a little strange.

Click here for my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay, which you might find helpful.

It's possible that the problem isn't that your boyfriend is gay, but that he's a control freak, judging from the way he sulks when he doesn't get his own way. It's also possible that you've got a somewhat romantic and eccentric straight guy on your hands.


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