Husband into Transsexual Porn

Hello Dr. Bill. I wanted to ask your opinion on this. For background my husband was molested when he was a child for several years by a man. He said he used to dress up like a girl to try and make it stop. He slept with a man about  a year before we met. He said he had just moved and was lonely and drunk. He was able to finish but vomited right after. When he talked about it he said the guy was so weak. Now we have been married for several years. I was also molested as a child. In dealing with that it caused me to do some sexual experimentation. My husband expressed to me he would like to be with a transsexual. I agreed as long as we were both involved. He contacted someone on his own and l found out. Then he said that he did not really want to be with one. He said that he has been looking at transsexual porn for a long time, although he says he does not find them attractive in real life. He said regular porn does not do it for him and that he likes that they are ultra feminine and that its dirty. Its always just the sex part and always male on trans. He hates it when its reversed. He also does not like gay porn. I am very open to everyone and have gay friends and family members. But this entire thing makes me feel like he is not satisfied with me and I am holding him back. He swears that he loves me and that it just gets him off. So my question is do you think he is gay and suppressing it? Or does it have to do with the molestation?  We talk about it quite a bit. I am driving him crazy and making him feel less of a man. I don't know what the truth is.  I understand attraction to a man or women. But a man that dresses up? I don't. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you. 

First of all, "a man that dresses up" is not a transsexual but a cross-dresser or transvestite [or "drag queen."] A transsexual is a man or woman who is born into the wrong biological body and has a sex-change to turn them into the right sex. 

Some men who are attracted to males and can't accept it become fixated on cross-dressers because they look like women and act like women but are male with male genitalia. Similarly, transsexuals have become women but biologically they were born male, which some men find homo-erotically titillating. Some Trans Women have not fully transitioned -- had a full sex change -- and still have male genitalia. Men who are attracted to these pre-operative transsexuals may be as interested in the penis as in anything else. To their way of thinking, it's one way of sort of having sex with men while safely feeling that you're really with a woman [and Trans Women are women]. 

Most people have certain fetishes or "kinks" that they find sexually stimulating, and while these may be unpleasant or uninteresting to their mates, they are generally harmless. If your husband limits his extra-curricular activities to looking at transsexual porn than there's probably nothing to worry about.

The fact that your husband was molested as a child by a man might have contributed to his own confusion over his sexual orientation, which sometimes happens to men who have been molested by males when they were boys. On the other hand, his reaction to having sex with a man -- he did it because he was "drunk and lonely," got sick later on, and thought the guy was "weak," could indicate a serious case of what we call "internalized homophobia" or gay self-hatred.

There is no easy answer.  You understand that there are so many issues here that only an analyst could get to the bottom of everything and only after repeated visits. If all of this bothers either of you, you might -- with tact-- suggest that your husband see an open-minded therapist who can take him through all these sexual highways and best determine the right road for him to travel on. But don't suggest that there's something wrong with him, as there isn't.

Cross-dressing

How prevalent is cross-dressing in the gay male community?

Before I answer that I have an anecdote. Some years ago I read an interview with an actor on a soap opera who'd just been told that his character was going to turn out to be gay. He told the interviewer, "I guess I'll have to go out and buy some dresses." I thought: Why? The character was gay and not a transvestite [or cross-dresser].

There has always been a frankly ridiculous link in the public's mind between homosexuality and transvestism. The fact is that the vast majority of gay men are happy being men and haven't the least interest in dressing up as women. Because flamboyant drag queens [gay transvestites] have always been a hard-to-ignore part of gay culture, people have mistakenly believed that more gay men are cross-dressers than actually are. In reality, most male transvestites are actually heterosexual [or at least identify as such]; they lead straight lives but enjoy dressing up as women, touching and wearing female underwear, and the like -- it's a fetish.

So to answer your question: cross-dressing is not very prevalent at all in the gay male community, although due to popular culture and coverage in some of the sillier gay magazines it may sometimes seem that way. With the emergence of the bear community, I'd have to say that drag is even seeming a little passe these days.

Woman's Boyfriend Wants Cross-Dressing Men

Dear Dr. Bill,

I've found your blog and would like to see if you can help me understand my now ex-boyfriend's sexuality. Ill try to keep long story short.. its mainly to understand where he's coming from and to have closure for me.

He is in his fifties, and I'm in my thirties. Things began well and I thought we were truly in love. Later on I started to find out he is a cheater, I've taken him back several times over the course of one year. I've found out things through his emails and texts with other women. The last time I took him back, he made me a promise that he'd be true to me because he wants to be with me. But I broke up with him yesterday because I've found out he was answering ads on Craigslist for sex, which I've caught him doing before. Except this time, he answered ads for "m4m" and "t4m".   In one email he asked a potential T/CD [crossdresser] if he has clothes because he'd like to try get dressed. I know not all CD are gay, but I think he is bi. Because in another email, he has met up with a T to get a "massage".  And I believe he wants to meet more CD who wants to have sex. 

I've always been supportive of LGBT community, him finding himself isn't my biggest issue, but it's his lies, and his multiple partners made me feel very unsafe about my sexual health. So I had to break up with him.  He of course denies all.

Can you help me to understand what he is going through? What can I say, or not say? I'm stuck between confusion and a broken heart. I love him, but he has done too much damage to me emotionally. I know this day will come, just didn't expect to be this way.  I feel hopeless, unattractive, and somewhat used.  How do I cope with this feeling, Dr. Bill?  Has any woman asked you for the same advice?  I've Googled quite a bite lately and found out a lot of women are going through the same thing.  It's always very insightful to listen to advice from the other perspective.
Thank you Dr. Bill. I hope to hear from you soon.

It sounds like I don't need to tell you that the main problem with this guy isn't whatever his sexual orientation may be but that he's sexually active with multiple partners behind your back, and isn't honest about it. It sounds like he probably lived a fairly "straight" life for most of his life and then hit middle age and decided he wanted to check out everything he'd been fantasizing about for so long while he still could. Is he gay, or at least bisexual? If he's looking for sex just with post-operative trans women that may be one thing, but if he's actively seeking sex with men [or, to put it crudely, "chicks with dicks"] that's another matter. He clearly seems to have some attraction for other men.

Open-minded you may be, but having a partner who needs to experiment with other sexual partners on a regular basis is a little too much for most people, so you were probably right in calling it quits with this guy. Especially when he lies to you about it on top of it. 

Yes, I have heard from a lot of women who feel as you do. You may well have been used, but there's no need to feel hopeless or unattractive because of it, or because of one wrong man entering and leaving your life. I would suggest coping with it by moving on, meeting new people, dating a variety of men until you meet someone honest and right for you. While it's primarily for people who have been married, the Straight Spouse Network proivides support for people who have been in "mixed" [gay/straight] relationships and feel confused and used.

Crossdressing boyfriend

I was with my boyfriend for a year when I began suspecting him of cheating when I found women's clothing that was mine. Long story short, I found out through extensive Internet searching that he owned a porn site where he is the main attraction as a cross-dresser and people pay to watch him have sex dressed up in MY underwear and dresses in my home. I had no idea and was shocked. I found out next that he was advertising himself as a hooker who cross-dresses and caters to men for $200. After I moved out and confronted him he said he wasn't gay and was just interested in making money. The thing is, he has his masters degree and he lives off his rich parents. He had the gall to tell me that the fact that my daughter who is disabled stresses him out caused him to snap and "indulge in selfishness". He had the website for a year before I met him and admitted to paying very passable pre op transsexual hookers for sex up to three years before we met. He tried to explain since he had sex with them while he was dressed as a man and they looked like beautiful women it was not "gay sex". Furthermore he said when he was prostituting dressed as a woman having sex with men that also did not constitute "gay sex". In the past two months since I've left he has been actively trying to get back together with me saying all that was a phase and he was over it. I then found out he got arrested 30 min. after we got off the phone for prostitution by Vegas vice. He was still doing it! And now he's a " changed man" and is livid that I won't accept he's straight and move back in with him. I am heartbroken, and confused. But I also know I can't get back with him obviously. What I want to know is if he has a severe disorder, if he's delusional, and why he is adamantly denying being gay and is he typical of "closeted men"?
 
Also his particular obsession in dressing was thigh high boots which was consistent through out. I am so confused why he'd pursue a serious relationship with me when he was doing all of these secret activities? Should I try to help him....? Forget he existed?? Help. 

My advice is to probably forget he existed, and not because of his extra-curricular sexual activity, but because he's involved in criminal activity, is a liar, used your home and clothing for porn activities without your knowledge or permission -- the yuck  factor goes on and on. I'm a pretty open-minded guy but this character sounds pretty unsavory in many ways and, yes, delusional. 

Now on to other specific points:

Cross-dressing men can be and often are heterosexual. [Most gay men have absolutely no interest in cross-dressing.] However, the fact that he's advertising for sex with men [and whether for pay or not for pay is irrelevant] is an altogether different matter. Also, most pre-op transsexual men still have penises, and I doubt if a 100% straight guy wants to have sex with a "lady" with a dick. [Let me make it clear that I believe post-op trans-women are definitely female -- and perhaps even before the surgery -- but most genuinely straight men would be turned off by the male genitalia and other biological factors.]

So this guy can argue that he wasn't indulging in standard male-male sex and therefore it wasn't gay, but it was decidedly "queer" [queer now being another acceptable term for the LGBT -- or Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender community]. And I find it hard to believe that a man who has no attraction for men would want to have male sex partners even when he's dressed up as a woman. At the very least, he's bisexual [which doesn't mean his preference  can't be men, making him essentially gay] and he is being disingenuous, or, as I said, delusional. It's also possible that he's transsexual himself, which can be very confusing for someone who hasn't yet accepted or acknowledged it, and he may honestly be confused as to his basic orientation as well.

While it's perfectly okay for you and others to be compassionate for and understanding of his confusion and "kinks," it does sound like he has a lot to work out in his own mind before he's ready for a relationship, and it may be that it would be more natural for him to be with a man. He's typical  of closeted men in his denial of obvious homoerotic acts with other men, although the porn web site and cross dressing is not so typical.

In conclusion, let me just say this guy has a lot of issues -- and not just the sexual ones -- and it doesn't make you a bad or bigoted person if you don't want to deal with them. Relationships are tough enough without adding quite so much drama.  

Boyfriend is Drag Queen?

Well you probably don't remember but I contacted you earlier with some trouble about my boyfriend (a self-hating Christian); things are going well now -- I took your advice, so I talked to a friend who was also Christian, and he did help, but things sort of took a weird twist, and by weird I mean WEIRD. Well I didn't say before but he is very effeminate-looking, and from time to time he likes cross-dressing, I enjoy when he does this and help with his makeup and stuff; it's fun and I like the way he looks. At first it was just something we did behind closed doors you know, alone, but eventually a friend of ours walked in on him in a skirt. She didn't react negatively, in fact she kind of encouraged him, to the point of convincing him to take a couple of pictures posing like this. She says that they we're just for practice since she enjoys photography but, judging by how she is, those pictures might already have found their way onto the web. I was worried, but he was joyous, and aroused, and after some time in bed I forgot my worries until a bit later. A few days later I caught this friend and my boyfriend in the street, only he was wearing a skirt, a top and a small sweater. I freaked out since it wouldn't be nice if he stumbled into one of his friends that recognized him, or even worse, his parents, cos' if being gay wasn't enough I bet cross dressing will surely give his father a heart attack. I warned him but our friend simply said they were having fun; I usually could convince him but with our friend's support they convinced me to accompany them. I just looked around for someone we knew and nervously went around for the rest of the day. It was not fun and after we went back to his house I tried to talk him out of this, and just like the time of the photo shoot he used the one kind of argument I can't resist.

Now this wasn't long ago, and it's still going on, and I can't talk to him because we are either with company I can't discuss this in front of, or with our friend who somehow always manages to out talk me or alone where he can out tongue me... so he's pretty much got me on a short leash on this. I keep trying time after time to convince him but I can't and I know that doing this will eventually land him into trouble, bad trouble. I mean I haven't been around most of the time he does this but I've seen him getting complimented and flirted with, and this makes me jealous, and I have bounced a couple of guys but apparently when it's just him and our friend he does flirt with them, and this also makes me mad. I need to talk to him, but I don't really know how to proceed... by the next time I see him I very much need to snap him out of this mad stuff!

Final note: I talked this over with one of my more mature and smart friends, he said something that seemed very interesting, that he may do this in order to attract attention from men -- is this logical? Why do you think he does this?

Well, my best guess is he does this because he's a drag queen -- a gay man who's also a transvestite [someone who gets off on wearing women's clothing and/or in having a female persona.] Some drag queens feel a need to live most of their lives -- at least [in their opinion] their real lives -- as women. They are not transsexuals, as such [perhaps some are], but they do have a strong female identification.

I'm not entirely certain why this troubles you so much since you have no problem with him being effeminate. Of course, there's a big difference between a kind of "girlish" guy and a drag queen. Do you guys live in a small town? Are you afraid he (or both of you) might be gay-bashed [a problem he might face even when he's not in drag, as you say he's somewhat obviously gay]? Until both of you are comfortable with his cross-dressing, it might be better for him to do it at home or only in gay clubs. [Not bear or leather bars, however, LOL.]

If he's a bonafide, genuine transvestite, he can't help his feelings, and he shouldn't be ashamed of it, and don't help him feel ashamed. I mean, you say he's feeling better about being gay -- it sounds like he's anxious to smash the closet door right off of its hinges -- so don't turn around and give him a complex about being a cross-dresser!

Some gay men, after they come out, especially the more stereotypical members of our community, want everyone to know and go about it in the most flamboyant way possible, and I suppose this whole cross-dressing thing might just be a "gay" act he's putting on, trying to be as wild and "out" as he can be. It probably amuses him that it freaks you out.

On the other hand, he might be a legitimate "TV." A Christian drag queen? Why not? You can either deal with it or you can't.

As for wanting to attract attention from men? Well, most gay men are turned on by masculinity, not by guys in dresses, but there are exceptions. If for some bizarre and pointless reason he's trying to turn on straight guys, he's just asking for trouble, especially if he's convincing enough to pass for a "real" woman. Nothing gets a homophobic straight guy angrier than being turned on/flirted with by a woman who turns out to be a guy.

I suggest you sit down and talk with him and find out just how far he's into the drag scene, and how far into it he wants to go. Does he eventually want to live most of the time in female drag and with a female name and persona? The vast majority of gay men have absolutely no interest in dressing up in drag, but those who do really dive into it and some never come up for air. This just may be a phase for your boyfriend or it may be the real deal.

It doesn't make you a bigot if the drag thing becomes a turn off for you, but it may mean that this guy just ain't the right guy for you after all. But remember, there's nothing really wrong in being a transvestite or drag queen.