Gays and Abuse

Are gay people more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, perhaps due to the discrimination they face? Anon.

Drug and alcohol abuse are so common in our society that I think it would be a mistake to state with certainty that one group or another suffers more from abuse for whatever reasons.

There have certainly been cases of conflicted, self-hating gay people who drink to excess or use drugs to deal -- or rather not deal -- with their denial, doubt and torment over their sexuality.

But we have to remember two things:

Straight people also abuse drugs and alcohol, and it's unlikely that conflicts over their sexuality are responsible [although aging and the sometimes corresponding loss of potency or attraction to the opposite sex may play a part]. Likewise, gay people may abuse drugs or alcohol for reasons that are entirely unrelated to their sexual orientation: romantic problems; career or financial issues; disappointments in life -- the usual things that plague most people, who -- as Thoreau put it -- lead "lives of quiet desperation."

In any case, I think it's safe to say that the well-adjusted, Out and Proud members of the Gay community are much less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol for reasons related to their sexuality.

Bar Alternatives

Hello, It has occurred to me that there are limited networking options for gay men who have outgrown going out and getting wasted every weekend. Most networking sites seem to cater for those with a ‘party lifestyle’. Not that I have anything against either drugs or partying, but I feel the offering is somewhat one-sided. Which is why I have set up a new social networking site: www.overthescene.com. Because it has just launched, the amount of members and content is still small. But I plan to post new topics for discussion every day and hope that more and more people will join and do the same! If you like the idea, maybe you can write about it on your blog, or we can exchange links? Bas

While I have not outgrown going out now and then and getting -- well, I wouldn't exactly say I get wasted but I've never been a teetotaler (I do have something against drugs but not necessarily alcohol in moderation) -- I understand that many gay men are not only not into that scene, but find it difficult to make friends and form relationships in bars. So I'm happy to mention your new site (which, unfortunately for New Yorker me, is based in the UK), and wish you a lot of luck with it.

In general, people can find sex and "bar friends" in bars and that's it. Bar friends are people you may have known for many years, but while you pick up things about them over time, you never really know them all that well. You may never learn their last name (or remember it), you probably don't exchange phone numbers or arrange to meet outside the bar. You're acquaintances rather than friends, although sometimes you can develop a real affection and even a closeness for bar friends.

There are exceptions. I have met people in bars who have turned into real genuine friends that I talk to and see outside of the bar. I know people who have met their future partners at a bar. But generally ...?

Still, bars are fun for those who enjoy the scene. And they're fine for casual sex (although you should never get so drunk that you forget to or cannot use a condom). In my experience -- although even here there are exceptions -- if you go out looking to get lucky you'll just have a good time. If you go out just to have a good time, you'll probably get lucky. But who knows?

Me, I hope I never outgrow the bar scene or my love of partying, but I'm glad that alternatives are developing for those who want and need them.

Gay Men and Alcohol

Are most gay men alcoholics? Anon.

There is no reason to think that most gay men are alcoholics any more than most straight men are alcoholics. There have been studies of substance abuse and alcoholism in gay men -- which certainly exists -- but to my knowledge no comparisons with heterosexual men have been made -- which would have built-in complications in any case. First there's the question of how MSM (men who have sex with men) identity: gay? bi? -- some guys have sex with other guys and insist they're straight (sure) or at least are leading a "straight life" with a partner of the opposite sex. Studies dealing with sexual orientation are always tricky.

Some feel that gays are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol because of the underlying shame some feel about being gay. Internalized homophobia certainly exists -- and can certainly lead to substance abuse -- but nowadays there are a great many more gays who have absolutely no shame or guilt over their orientation. Then there's the fact that some gays might abuse drugs/alcohol not out of any shame, but for the same reasons that straights do : disappointment in life or love and all the other problems that beset humanity no matter what our orientation.

Life can be tough for all of us, and some people deal with it by abusing drugs or alcohol. In my opinion -- and based on my own observations over many years -- gay men are no more likely to do this than any other segment of the population.