Love and Justice

Years ago I fell in love with a man who basically told me he hated me and wanted me out of his life even though I did nothing wrong but tell him I liked him.  With the horrible way he treated me, I thought his behavior was indicative of a personality disorder. But this past July he and his boyfriend of 4 years got married.  This is a picture; as you can see, they are beautiful. I really thought that the man who treated me so horribly would have been punished somehow.  But as you can see, he has been rewarded immeasurably with a man who is 15 years younger, tall, broad-shouldered with a great smile.  Did I forget to mention he practically supports him.  Anyways, will my heart ever be mended?  Will I ever find justice?  Will the guy on the right ever get karma?

Here are my thoughts on this:

First,  if things haven't worked out, for one reason or another, with someone you hoped might become a significant other, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is checking their Facebook page to see who they wound up with -- or if they wound up with anybody. I'm speaking from experience here. If you happen to be single, looking at photos of the guy you really liked enjoying happy domesticity, vacations, a life together, with someone else practically amounts to an act of masochism. 

However, keep in mind -- as a friend recently reminded me --  that photographs of smiling faces do not always tell the whole story. You do not know if this couple are going to have decades of wedded bliss or if it will all fall apart in a few months [not to be mean, of course, but gay marriages are just as subject to failure and divorce as straight ones].

If it's true that this guy told you he hated you simply because you liked him [and presumably he didn't feel the same], then he does sound like he has some kind of personality disorder, (or is there more to the story) and you are probably well rid of him!  He's that other guy's problem now. And if he's supporting the younger man, how do we even know this is a real love match, or if he may come to regret ever hooking up with the unemployed fellow? [Of course, gay husbands have just as much a right to support their spouses as straight ones do.]

But ultimately none of that is important. Your heart will mend. Forget about this guy, stop checking out their Facebook pages, move on, find love elsewhere, with someone who will treat you with kindness and the right kind of passion. You don't need justice, you need a boyfriend!

In the meantime, it's okay to indulge in a little mean-spiritedness. [For instance: In my case, the guy I liked dumped me for a guy who was ten years younger than me. Is it my fault if I can't help but note that his lover happens to look ten years older, LOL!]

For all you know, the younger lover of the guy you liked may run off with all of his money, leaving him homeless and desperate. I discovered that there's rarely any need to get revenge on anybody; life's problems are revenge enough. Besides, was this guy as terrible to you as you suggest, or was it simply that he just wasn't interested? That doesn't necessarily make him evil, although he may seem that way to you.

It's worth repeating that if he was an evil dickhead, you are well rid of him. 

Watch Out for "Ricochet Ronnie"

I met this very nice guy who had just ended a relationship of several years. I found him very attractive and he seemed to feel the same. He constantly sent me emails and text messages, telling me how much he liked me, how he couldn't wait to get together, how terrific I was, and I followed suit, although I may have been a little more reticent as we had just met and I didn't want to appear too anxious; he was also a bit younger than me. The last time we saw each other everything went great, he texted again that he wanted to do all sorts of things in the future -- and I never heard from him again. I know he's alive but he doesn't respond to emails or anything else. I still can't figure out what happened. Can you give me any insight as to why guys just disappear without a word? He talked all the time about how awful the ex-lover was so I don't think he went back to him. Thank you. 


My guess is that you had the misfortune of running into a Ricochet or Rebound Ronnie as I and many other fellows have. Those are guys who have been in long-term relationships that have ended for one reason or another. They used to do everything with the lover, but now the lover is gone and they find themselves alone. Often these guys cling to someone who is amiable, willing to listen to them sound off about the ex [and it sounds as if you were], and enjoys spending time with them, doing things they can no longer do with the lover. The trouble is, these guys often just need time to acclimate themselves to being single again, being out in the dating pool -- in a sense you were holding his hand until he felt able to go out cruising and circulating on his own. It's not that he didn't like you, but that the relationship he ended was so awful that he just isn't ready for another one yet. The hard part is that during that initial phase the "clinginess" manifests itself as many calls and texts and so on as he anxiously makes it clear that he wants to spend time with you -- until he panics because you're getting too close. In other words, these guys lead you on [innocently, in most cases] and then drop you when they no longer need you. Possibly he met somebody he likes better; possibly he just wants to play the field. Some guys just don't know how to break up with somebody; in not wanting to hurt you, he hurts you even more.

However, there is really no excuse for someone not giving you a little closure. His abruptly ending things without even attempting an explanation [I mean, how difficult is it to send a fucking e-mail if you're embarrassed to do it face to face?] or returning your concerned and confused messages tells you -- as does all those texts -- that he isn't very mature, responsible, or even -- when all is said and done -- kind. I mean, we're talking about a man you knew and dated, not a disembodied photo on a dating sight. In other words, you dodged a bullet, so get on with your life, forget him, and meet somebody -- hopefully someone not on the rebound -- who will treat you with a little more class.

Foot Fetish

Dear Dr. Bill,

I'm a 32 year old gay guy and have been with my partner for 3 years now.  We have a healthy sex life, are honest with each other and are very much in love.  Something I have kept from my boyfriend though is that I have a really strong fetish for men's feet. If I even so much as glance at a guy's feet in a pair of flip-flops I get hard.  Also, the soles of my feet are very erogenous and a guy only has to touch them to get me hard.

I have been aroused by men's feet ever since I was a teenager and have acted on my fetish with other men (i.e. sniffing, licking, sucking) but not with my current boyfriend. 

I want to incorporate some foot play into our sex life but I'm not sure how he'll take it or if he will think it's weird.  I fantasize a lot about men's feet and I am a little worried that I might get the urge to stray and go with another guy behind his back just to get some foot action but I would feel so bad about it as I love him so much.  I could never be with another guy and I want to spend the rest of my life with him so I want to stay faithful.

Do you think I should come out and tell him about my fetish?  Or do you have any ideas how I can incorporate some foot play into our sex life without freaking him out?  I would really like it if he could show some interest in my feet too so if you have any ideas how I can get him interested then please let me know.

I really hope you can help and would be extremely grateful for any advice.

Kind regards,

The good news is that foot fetishes are extremely common and unless your boyfriend is a super-conservative prig I can't imagine he would be that freaked out by it. I would suggest nuzzling or sucking his toes during foreplay and seeing what his reaction is -- he may enjoy it! Even if it's not a turn-on for him if you explain how much you love it he may be perfectly willing to incorporate it into your bedroom routine, especially if you're willing to do things that he enjoys but which you may not care less about. There's nothing abnormal about a foot fetish. So stay on your toes, play with those big feet of his, and see what happens! I mean, as fetishes go, a foot fetish is no big deal.

Pseudo-Bi Boyfriend?

I'm a gay man in his twenties. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months. He says he is bisexual, but he also says that he is much, much more attracted to men than to women. On the other hand, when we are in a gay bar and he sees an attractive woman he will make remarks to me about how hot she is. It doesn't bother me -- or maybe it does -- because it always seems that he's putting on an act. Would you say he's gay or bi? D

I think you've answered your own question. It's my belief [although I know others disagree] that if a person is overwhelmingly attracted to their own sex and only just a smidgen attracted to the opposite sex, then they are gay, not bi.

It's interesting that you've picked up that your guy may be putting on an act when he acts all "bi" in a gay bar. It seems to me that a genuinely bisexual guy wouldn't have to put on an act or childishly talk about how "hot" some gal was -- in a gay bar with his lover no less.

Some guys just have a need to keep some kind of "attachment" to the straight world. Once they come out as totally gay, they feel, there's no going back. He may also do it because he thinks it annoys you. In other words, he has issues. Some gay men identify as bi out of internalized homophobia, a failure to completely accept that they are gay and that it's okay to be gay. Maybe he has a need to feel "superior" or butcher" or have a more "macho" image, and this is what the "I Like and Fuck Women" attitude provides.

Give him a year or two. He may realize that he's just as gay as you are -- and like it!

Three's a Crowd

I am a gay man who has just entered into a committed relationship with a man I've been dating for three years. The problem is his friend, whom I'll call Loretta. Loretta is a lesbian and she is my guy's best, best friend. Let me make it clear that I have absolutely no problem with lesbians or women in general, but try as I might, I just can't get "into" Loretta. I just don't like her, and believe me I've tried. What's worse is that she is always around, and I mean always. She broke up with a long-time lover about five years ago and apparently still isn't over it. I'm sympathetic, but I wish she'd understand that her friend -- my lover -- is in a relationship and he doesn't always have time for her drama. Sometimes I feel like we're supposed to be this happy trio or something. They've been friends for years and I don't want to end that, but just wish Loretta wasn't around quite so much. When I bring it up, my boyfriend will tell me all the things Loretta has done for him, how she's lonely and hurting, blah, blah, blah. Dr. Bill, what can I do? Anon.

The problem isn't Loretta so much as your boyfriend. In other words, he has to understand that while being in a relationship doesn't mean that you forget about your friends, it does mean that you should be spending more time with your significant other and at least a little less with your friends. It's too bad that you just don't care for Loretta, but I have a feeling anyone who intrudes on your life with your guy would understandably be a problem.

It may seem that there's little you can do when your boyfriend goes into "defensive friendship mode" -- I mean, he starts reminding you of all Loretta's done for him and how much the friendship means, blah, blah, blah, as you say. Tell him that you understand that his friendship with Loretta is important and you don't want him to end it for the world, but you don't have the same history with Loretta and she's just an annoyance to you because she's around so fucking much! If he's unwilling to address the problem for fear of hurting Loretta, you may have to take tactful action, a sympathetic aside to Loretta, maybe just a hint that you wish you had more quality alone time with your new lover.

Take a firm stand with your boyfriend. Explain that you're in a relationship with him, not with Loretta, and while you don't mind if they hang out together from time to time, and can put up with her now and then, you don't want to feel as if you're part of a threesome. He has to meet you halfway.

If all else fails you will have to tell Loretta that she needs to get a life of her own, and/or tell your boyfriend that he has to put in his foot down in as kind a way as possible. If the problem is that Loretta just keeps showing up without an invitation, you will eventually have to be firm with her. Tell her you don't mind her coming over now and then, you respect her friendship with your lover, but he's in a relationship now and the two of you sometimes need to be alone. Give her a specific date to come over, but tell her she has to wait to be invited.

An awkward situation. But one that can be dealt with.

In the meantime, if you know any single lesbians who might be attracted to Loretta, for heaven's sake, introduce them to her!

Getting Quality Time

Your recent post concerning a guy whose lover wanted to party too much rang a bell with me. I am dating a guy who -- while we have good sex -- doesn't seem to want to be alone with me on other occasions. I like this guy very much and I like to spend quality time with him -- talk, watch a movie together etc. -- but he always wants to go out to a club or bar or party. He's very attentive once we get there, I can't complain on that score. But I can't figure out if it's me or if it's him or what. Any advice you could give me would be appreciated. By the way, we are not kids -- we are both in our forties. S.

From what you say it doesn't sound as if he's trying to get away from you. It's a very positive sign that he stays by your side when the two of you go out to a bar or party and that he's not off cruising other guys and ignoring you. He obviously enjoys your company. It's probably just that he's one of those people who really loves to be in the midst of a happy, partying throng. Some guys love going to bars and parties all the time -- socializing is their favorite (second favorite?) sport-- and it has nothing to do with how old they are. A guy who loves bar-hopping and partying at 25 will probably feel the same at 55 and older.

The trouble happens when these guys hook up with guys who are essentially homebodies. There's nothing wrong with that, but it can cause friction when one guy wants to stay home and snuggle in front of the TV every night and his boyfriend wants to party hearty all the time.

Another, less positive possibility is that maybe he feels that the two of you -- once the great sex is over -- don't have a lot to talk about so he likes to be in a crowd when he's with you. And you're probably thinking that the two of you won't ever find out how much you may have to talk about if you're never alone to have a one-on-one conversation.

Bring this up to him in a pleasant, non-judgmental manner. Never tell him that he's too old to go out and have fun because a.) that's not true at any age and b.) it's the quickest way to turn him off both in and out of the bedroom.

There is this feeling that we're all supposed to sit home all the time once we reach a "certain" age -- whatever that may be -- but that's never made any sense to me. On the other hand, I can also understand how a man in his forties is ready (and probably has been ready for some time, eh?) to settle down. He wants, as you put it, to not only have quality time with his man but to have his man desire the same thing.

Relationships are all about compromise. Be glad you've got a live wire and not someone you have to talk into going out. Am I wrong that you have a good time yourself, especially with this guy at your side?

In other words, go out, have fun, have great sex when you get home, and in the late morning go to brunch at a place where you're unlikely to run into friends.

And talk.

Even party boys like to stay home now and then and cuddle on the sofa in front of a good movie.
Suggest taking some trips (not to places like Provincetown or other party cities!) to scenic areas -- maybe camping or a trip to a lonely beach. Even a trip to the zoo or the aquarium (without friends along) might give you some time alone with the guy. In between looking at the seals, washing sand out of your toes, or folding up your (one) sleeping bag you might discover wonderful new things about each other.

The two of you are only in the dating stage; I sense no commitment has been made on either side. But that may change in the future. Good Luck, baby!

Boyfriend Parties Too Heartily?

My boyfriend (of one year) and I just spent the weekend together. On Saturday nite we went to a bear party. This was my very first one. I have been out for the past three years. I come from an extremely religious family (pentecostal) where being gay is just as bad as being a murderer. I love my boyfriend, he means the world to me. About three hours into this party I felt overwhelmed with things that were going on, for example all the sex in the bathroom etc. etc. etc. I wanted to go back to our room so he took me then asked if I was alright with him going back. I said yes go have fun. I felt stupid and angry at myself for not staying. I have in this past year left one other event where I felt this same way. Two questions: how do I get used to the varied atmospheres of events? Is it possible to get around my background and just enjoy? Ok three questions: early Sunday morning I find out my boyfriend got a bj after he went back to the party . . .it is or I thought it was/is a committed relationship between us. I'm feeling hurt by what he let happen but I also feel like I caused it. Now he says I need to be able to handle such events and just relax or it is quite possible our relationship might end. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. T.

Sometimes a gay party turns into an orgy [ditto for straight parties naturally]. Regardless of their backgrounds some people feel comfortable with this and some people don't. I have seen two lovers happily pursue guys at parties, even have sex with them, and nobody gets upset because they realize it's just sex, it has nothing to do with the way both men feel about each other. Still, not every guy is comfortable in this situation. I think your boyfriend is telling you the blow job was no big deal, that it has nothing to do with his feelings for you, but you are not the only man who feels uneasy with this. It may not necessarily have anything to do with your religious background, either. Some people, regardless of sex or sexual orientation, are only comfortable with a strictly monogamous relationship --and that includes no blow jobs at parties -- and others are a little more flexible. There's no right or wrong; it depends on the individual.

Your boyfriend might be suggesting that he wants an open relationship, and he's implying that he'll end things if you don't agree to go along with that. I have no problem with open relationships if a.) both parties agree to it beforehand and b.) both parties scrupulously stick to safe sex and get tested for STDs on a regular basis. It sounds to me as if you and your boyfriend never had this discussion, or at least that he perhaps takes your relationship a bit more casually than you do. This is something you need to sit down and talk with him about. You both need to define your relationship and set boundaries, if any.

Frankly, if your boyfriend is going to limit his extra-curricular activities to getting the occasional blow job at a party [as opposed to going out regularly hunting for one-night-stands] then maybe you should cut him some slack. I use the term "orgy," but that, of course, is an overstatement if we're just talking about a couple of party guests, ahem, going into the bathroom in twos for a little fooling around. Still, your partner has to be more sensitive to the fact that your relationship is still very new, and you'd rather not have him spreading himself around.

Can you get past any religious hang ups you may have at being gay? Definitely. If religion is important to you find a group or Church that isn't homophobic and is welcoming to gays. Remember, the negative attitudes that you've been fed are based on ignorance.

Whether you'll ever feel comfortable with the wilder gay parties is another story, however. As I say, it may not have much to do with your background. Right now you want badly to feel that you're part of a loving couple, and you want your boyfriend to feel the same way, and parties or events where casual sex with third parties is part of the program is clearly not something that appeals to you, and possibly never will.

Discuss all this with your boyfriend in a non-judgmental way. There is no right or wrong, but you both need to at least reach some sort of compromise. Neither of you should throw away a relationship over what is probably an inconsequential blow job at a party, but you have every right to discuss your feelings about it with the man in your life.

We all have the right to set limits in our own lives, and to feel uncomfortable in certain situations. I know men who leave parties when things get a little too sexy, not because they're prudes, but because they're just not comfortable with the whole situation. They prefer making love in a bed with someone they care about; not grasping at drunken strangers and vice versa.

[While I have no problem with grasping at drunken strangers, I personally would rather not have an audience if I'm engaging in sexual activity, while other guys feel just the opposite. I don't necessarily mind if someone pulls out a joint -- I mean, a reefer, marijuana -- but heavy drug use is a complete turn-off to me and I would probably not stick around in such a scenario.]

Different strokes for different folks.

Talk to your boyfriend. You may find that you can work this out more easily than you imagine. Best of Luck! Let me know if I can be of further assistance.