Thursday, April 16, 2009

Getting Quality Time

Your recent post concerning a guy whose lover wanted to party too much rang a bell with me. I am dating a guy who -- while we have good sex -- doesn't seem to want to be alone with me on other occasions. I like this guy very much and I like to spend quality time with him -- talk, watch a movie together etc. -- but he always wants to go out to a club or bar or party. He's very attentive once we get there, I can't complain on that score. But I can't figure out if it's me or if it's him or what. Any advice you could give me would be appreciated. By the way, we are not kids -- we are both in our forties. S.

From what you say it doesn't sound as if he's trying to get away from you. It's a very positive sign that he stays by your side when the two of you go out to a bar or party and that he's not off cruising other guys and ignoring you. He obviously enjoys your company. It's probably just that he's one of those people who really loves to be in the midst of a happy, partying throng. Some guys love going to bars and parties all the time -- socializing is their favorite (second favorite?) sport-- and it has nothing to do with how old they are. A guy who loves bar-hopping and partying at 25 will probably feel the same at 55 and older.

The trouble happens when these guys hook up with guys who are essentially homebodies. There's nothing wrong with that, but it can cause friction when one guy wants to stay home and snuggle in front of the TV every night and his boyfriend wants to party hearty all the time.

Another, less positive possibility is that maybe he feels that the two of you -- once the great sex is over -- don't have a lot to talk about so he likes to be in a crowd when he's with you. And you're probably thinking that the two of you won't ever find out how much you may have to talk about if you're never alone to have a one-on-one conversation.

Bring this up to him in a pleasant, non-judgmental manner. Never tell him that he's too old to go out and have fun because a.) that's not true at any age and b.) it's the quickest way to turn him off both in and out of the bedroom.

There is this feeling that we're all supposed to sit home all the time once we reach a "certain" age -- whatever that may be -- but that's never made any sense to me. On the other hand, I can also understand how a man in his forties is ready (and probably has been ready for some time, eh?) to settle down. He wants, as you put it, to not only have quality time with his man but to have his man desire the same thing.

Relationships are all about compromise. Be glad you've got a live wire and not someone you have to talk into going out. Am I wrong that you have a good time yourself, especially with this guy at your side?

In other words, go out, have fun, have great sex when you get home, and in the late morning go to brunch at a place where you're unlikely to run into friends.

And talk.

Even party boys like to stay home now and then and cuddle on the sofa in front of a good movie.
Suggest taking some trips (not to places like Provincetown or other party cities!) to scenic areas -- maybe camping or a trip to a lonely beach. Even a trip to the zoo or the aquarium (without friends along) might give you some time alone with the guy. In between looking at the seals, washing sand out of your toes, or folding up your (one) sleeping bag you might discover wonderful new things about each other.

The two of you are only in the dating stage; I sense no commitment has been made on either side. But that may change in the future. Good Luck, baby!

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