Hello Dr. B,
I am a out bisexual, and a friend of mine, who I new in middle school, came back into my life a few months ago, now all my friends think he is gay and I really want to ask him out. But I don't want to do that unless I am sure of his sexuality cause I don't want to kill this friendship if I am wrong. My question is how do I go about finding out if he is gay or bi, do I ask him or do I find out a different way, and then how do I ask him out? Thanks for the help.
The best way to find out an individual's sexual orientation is to bring up the subject of homosexuality in casual conversation. This will at least give you some idea of how they feel about people who are attracted to their own sex. A very negative reaction doesn't necessarily mean that the person can't be gay, and may often indicate that they could be dealing with issues of self-hatred. Or he may have a very positive attitude, and be a sympathetic straight person or someone who is gay and not yet ready to come out. I would suggest being open with him about your own sexuality if you haven't already done so. Only an honest and open conversation can tell you what you want to know. [Unfortunately, some people who are gay or bi are simply not ready to come out to others.] If he's going to want to end the friendship simply because you're attracted to men, then he's probably not worth having as a friend. Once you determine that he is gay -- if he is or is willing to admit it -- you can tell him that you are interested in taking your friendship to a different level; that is, you're interested in dating him. [You may already be aware that there are men and women, without necessarily being "biphobic," who are not comfortable dating bisexuals, seeing them, rightly or wrongly, as gays who aren't fully comfortable with themselves.] Even if he's gay, he may still be more comfortable with just a friendship. If that's the case, remain friends with him if you can, and look for love in other places. Good luck!