Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Another Gay Boyfriend?

Hello. I am writing you after reading a little bit about what you have posted on women thinking their boyfriend might be gay.

I just want to say that I'm 23, he's 28. I have never felt so much love before in my life. I'm head over heels and I know that he loves me as well. He kisses me, cuddles, we are best friends. He treats me wonderfully, we always have fun, and he isn't depressed. I know that he is enjoying being with me as well. He shows no signs of stereotypical gay behaviors. [Which is true of the majority of gay men.-- Dr. Bill]

We have been seeing each other for 9 months-every day, we are each others lives. We're happy in each other's company. The issue is that he never initiates sex. It's probably around once a week, or week and a half thing that I initiate. No foreplay. Just sort of from behind [?], okay done. Besides the sex, I'm 100% happy. At first I thought he might be shy or have body issues (but he looks amazing and I tell him this) so I'm not sure what the problem is.

I started googling "why doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me?" and I've read about 50 pages and none of them seemed relevant to me...until this particular one. Dr. Ruth answered "I think he may be gay" and so of course I started googling that and found your page.

The only thing that makes me even question it and ask him is the fact that a healthy 28 year old male (and not to toot my own horn but I'm very pretty, very honest and sincere. I am clean, we have a lot of the same taste in music and hobbies. I cook and clean for him-happily. Not a drama queen, great manners. his family adores me as I do them...) why wouldn't he want to be intimate with me?

Any advice would help and be greatly appreciated. Thanks Dr. Bill!

Well, there are several possibilities. No matter how good-looking he may be, a person can still be self-conscious, especially when it comes to nudity or sex. Was he raised in an oppressive religious background? Even straight people can feel deep down that sex -- especially pre-marital sex -- is wrong or shameful. Or your boyfriend may feel he's not very good in bed and therefore only engages in sex when he feels he has to. Or he may only be turned on at certain times or by certain fetishes. Or he could be a person who is asexual.

As for asexuality, some people have no real sexual desire due to a physical or emotional problem, but you say your boyfriend, as far as you know, isn't in that category. You should know that there is a growing body of people who insist that they are truly asexual in that they are
born completely without sexual feelings for either men or women. These people can develop romantic feelings for people [hence they are "homo romantic" or "hetero romantic"] but while they indulge in sex to please their partners, it is not something they can enjoy. An asexual person of this type would be less likely to initiate sex with his or her partner. [And by asexual, I don't mean androgynous.]

Another possibility is that he could be a homosexual man who is fighting his orientation, hoping he can have a successful relationship with a woman, but who can't really enjoy heterosexual relations all that much, if at all. But to completely confuse you, keep in mind that many closeted men in this situation have frequent sex with their female partners and often initiate it. There's no hard and fast rule. Some closeted men have to fantasize about men to fulfill a hetero sex act and others don't.

My advice: don't panic. It may simply be that he has a few minor sex hang ups due to his upbringing, or maybe he can only get turned on by something that [hopefully, for your sake] isn't
too kinky. The next time you're in bed ask him if there's anything special or different he might like to do, and if it's not too weird, give it a try.

No matter how awkward it may be, eventually you'll have to talk to him about your concerns, especially if they keep troubling you. To start off, you can ask him if he sees himself as having a low or high sex drive, how he feels about Gay Marriage, and so on, just to start a dialogue that will hopefully give you the answers you are looking for.

Good luck!

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