Crush on Schoolmate

Hello Dr. Bill,

Recently I have come to like a straight guy in my Class (I am a Senior in High school and he is a junior). It has gotten awkward because I can't stand being around him due to the fact that I get Red-Faced. I don't have a long story about it, it's just I like him, and I have no clue what to do because he's Straight. I know the proper thing to do is "Get over it and move on" But it's kinda hard when I see him every day, with his heart-melting smile.

Many of us have been  in just this sort of situation, myself included, when you develop feelings for a classmate or co-worker or someone else you see all the time who is [presumably] straight. I've always said that the only way to deal with it is to focus your unrequited feelings on to someone who is more capable of returning them, another openly gay man. Throw yourself into the dating scene, meet lots of guys, and if you develop an infatuation at least it won't be so hopeless. Take my word for it that in time you will get over this guy. If there's any kind of formal or informal gay club in your high school or in your town for guys your age then join it, if you haven't done so already. Once you meet a guy you can date, hang out with, and who is also gay and may even turn into a boyfriend, this straight guy, no matter how attractive, will fade into the background. I know it isn't always easy to meet someone, but even a sympathetic gay friend you can talk to may help take the edge off. Good luck!

Dumped After Sex?

Hello dr. Bill, I am a gay guy living in Nigeria, here in Africa. I was online few days ago and I [came across your web site]. The problem I am having is confusing. I don't search for boy friends but they come my way and each time they want to have sex with me, I refuse --  because I have this feeling that that if the guy has sex with me, he is gonna dump me and I will be worthless after the action. It is like an ego in me,and I begin to feel like I can't be defiled, though I wanna have sex with them but when [the opportunity] comes, I starve myself of it again.  I don't know why that is happening. Thank you very much Dr. Bill, will love a reply soon.

This is a very common problem. You are afraid that if you have a sexual encounter with someone, that person will not want to see you again. [They're called "one night  stands" for a reason.] It sounds as if you're just not into casual sex, that you prefer to have erotic encounters with someone you have some kind of relationship with. Since you don't seem to have a problem attracting men, I suggest that the next time someone comes on to you, tell them you are not into casual sex, that you prefer to get to know someone a bit before jumping into bed with them. Obviously someone looking for a quick hook-up will move on, but other guys who like you may agree to go out on a date or a few dates before sleeping with you. No one can guarantee that this will lead to a lasting relationship, but at least you will feel some emotional connection to the man you are having sex with. 

Remember, that having casual sex with someone does not mean you are being "defiled." If you use condoms, stick to safe sex, you can still have a good time with someone you are not in love with. It's your choice. 

You may find that there are other guys who feel as you do, who are willing to go out on dates with you, have coffee or a drink, and forgo the sex until some time later. 

Good luck!

Boyfriend's Ex is Just Down the Hall

Help! My boyfriend's ex-lover has moved into the apartment down the hall. He claims this is completely coincidental, but I think it's a crock. They had a physically violent and dysfunctional relationship, and while I know my boyfriend is through with his ex, I just don't know what to expect from him next. I feel so uncomfortable having this psycho down the hall. Anon.

Well, nobody likes to have, as you put it, a psycho living down the hall. It does seem a little odd that your lover's ex should move into the same building, but it does happen on occasion. Are you afraid he'll be dropping by all the time? If that happens, you and your lover have to make it clear that the ex is not welcome. If you fear that he could actually be dangerous, then don't confront him or say something that will set him off. A cool, brisk, unfriendly but not hostile demeanor from the two of you may give him the message that neither you nor your lover want anything more to do with him. If he starts things up with you, looks like he's trying to start trouble, or starts to get violent, call the police and get a restraining order. Yes, this could be a sinister plot of his to make you and your lover's lives miserable, but it's also possible that he just found a reasonable rent and is just as unhappy living near you as you are living down the hall from him.