Hello dr. Bill, I am a gay guy living in Nigeria, here in Africa. I was online few days ago and I [came across your web site]. The problem I am having is confusing. I don't search for boy friends but they come my way and each time they want to have sex with me, I refuse -- because I have this feeling that that if the guy has sex with me, he is gonna dump me and I will be worthless after the action. It is like an ego in me,and I begin to feel like I can't be defiled, though I wanna have sex with them but when [the opportunity] comes, I starve myself of it again. I don't know why that is happening. Thank you very much Dr. Bill, will love a reply soon.
This is a very common problem. You are afraid that if you have a sexual encounter with someone, that person will not want to see you again. [They're called "one night stands" for a reason.] It sounds as if you're just not into casual sex, that you prefer to have erotic encounters with someone you have some kind of relationship with. Since you don't seem to have a problem attracting men, I suggest that the next time someone comes on to you, tell them you are not into casual sex, that you prefer to get to know someone a bit before jumping into bed with them. Obviously someone looking for a quick hook-up will move on, but other guys who like you may agree to go out on a date or a few dates before sleeping with you. No one can guarantee that this will lead to a lasting relationship, but at least you will feel some emotional connection to the man you are having sex with.
Remember, that having casual sex with someone does not mean you are being "defiled." If you use condoms, stick to safe sex, you can still have a good time with someone you are not in love with. It's your choice.
You may find that there are other guys who feel as you do, who are willing to go out on dates with you, have coffee or a drink, and forgo the sex until some time later.