Boyfriend's Ex is Just Down the Hall

Help! My boyfriend's ex-lover has moved into the apartment down the hall. He claims this is completely coincidental, but I think it's a crock. They had a physically violent and dysfunctional relationship, and while I know my boyfriend is through with his ex, I just don't know what to expect from him next. I feel so uncomfortable having this psycho down the hall. Anon.

Well, nobody likes to have, as you put it, a psycho living down the hall. It does seem a little odd that your lover's ex should move into the same building, but it does happen on occasion. Are you afraid he'll be dropping by all the time? If that happens, you and your lover have to make it clear that the ex is not welcome. If you fear that he could actually be dangerous, then don't confront him or say something that will set him off. A cool, brisk, unfriendly but not hostile demeanor from the two of you may give him the message that neither you nor your lover want anything more to do with him. If he starts things up with you, looks like he's trying to start trouble, or starts to get violent, call the police and get a restraining order. Yes, this could be a sinister plot of his to make you and your lover's lives miserable, but it's also possible that he just found a reasonable rent and is just as unhappy living near you as you are living down the hall from him.

Lover's Ex-Wife Won't Let Go

I am a gay man who is in a relationship with another man who was married for many years and then came out of the closet. He has maintained a very good relationship with his children and ex-wife -- perhaps too good, in the latter case. His ex-wife refuses to move on and date new men, and still clings to her ex-husband, calling on him at all hours, expecting him to help her out, and be her best friend no matter what. Out of guilt he runs when she calls because she was devastated when he ended the marriage. I know he has no real feelings for her anymore, but it's clear that she just can't let go. And she's always hugging and kissing him -- he claims it's just affection and out of habit-- and sometimes he even comes back from doing a chore for her with her lipstick on his collar from a "thank you" hug. Ron in Albany.

Well, at least her lipstick isn't in other places -- you hope! I understand that your lover is feeling guilt and yes it's good that he and his ex-wife get along and he remains close to his children, but a line has to be drawn and you've got to establish that line if he won't. You may eventually have to sit down with the ex-wife and in a compassionate way explain how you feel, that you're trying to build a life with your man and she needs to move on. (Know any nice straight single guys you can introduce her to?)

You also have to make sure that these "chores" he's doing for his wife aren't sexual in nature. He may still be a bit uncomfortable being in a relationship with a man after so many years with a woman and feel some kind of "macho" need to engage in hetero intercourse -- for all the wrong reasons. Cheating is cheating, no matter what. And you need to know if he's still conflicted.

Even if that's not the case, the situation here needs to be "straightened" out before it gets worse. The more the ex-wife believes she can take advantage of your lover, the more she will. Ultimately, it wouldn't make a difference if your lover had moved on with a man or another woman, he's with somebody else now and the ex has to accept it. He shouldn't leave it to you to handle the situation.

Sit down with your lover and tell him how you feel. Remind him that in this case guilt is a useless and even harmful emotion -- harmful to the relationship you are both trying to build together. Hopefully, once he realizes that he might be jeopardizing his future with you by overly coddling his ex-wife, it will be easier to him to say "no" to her. He also needs to understand that the more he coddles her, the less likely it will be for her to look for -- and move on with -- somebody new, which isn't good for her. The hugs and kisses she gives him may be merely "affectionate" and meaningless to him, but they are in no way meaningless to her.