Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Boyfriend with Secrets

I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years, we recently had a baby girl in November. We have plans to get married and he seems excited about it, we even got the ring together. But I had snooped on his computer and found that he had been watching tranny porn, and found a video in his trash can of him masturbating. Furious, I texted him all upset and he left work to talk to me. He said he was just super stressed and it wasn't anything. He even told me that he joined a gay dating site back in February. But he deleted it after I found out about the porn. So even more curious I looked in his email and found a email between him and some guy talking dirty to each other and exchanging numbers. He felt like crap after I confronted him about it and said if I left he wouldn't have a reason to live and that he'd want to die. But every time I ask why he made a profile for a gay dating site he just says he doesn't want to talk about it. He told me he always liked watching tranny porn because it's like a girl being in control. But I don't understand. Is he hiding something? He won't open up anymore but I don't want to waste my time if he is gay. It's not fair to me. He even said he's not attracted to men at all. What is your opinion? What do I do?

Well, he's definitely hiding something. He refuses to talk about something which is of obvious concern to you -- his joining a gay dating site, among other things -- and the erotic emails with another guy are another red flag. A guy can have fetishes, and a man can be attracted to transsexual women -- who are, after all, women, regardless of the biological state they were born in -- without being gay, but often an attraction to trans women ["tranny" is no longer considered an acceptable term], many of whom still have a penis, and especially transvestites/drag queens, is a cover-up for an attraction to men. It sounds as if your boyfriend is in a very confused state of mind and could use some counseling. Men don't join gay dating sites or send sexy emails to guys because they're "stressed out." It sounds like he has an attraction to men that he is ashamed of and fighting, but if he thinks a heterosexual marriage will change him he's being delusional. Many guys in this position are scared to death of their feelings and cling to women as a lifesaver, at the very least hoping a marriage will lend them a heterosexual facade. [His threatening suicide is probably his way of expressing panic over the possibility of being outed, or of definitely being gay.] But you're right that this isn't fair to you -- or to him.

Tell him that the two of you have really got to have a talk. Don't be judgmental. If he wants to jerk off over certain fetishes it isn't the end of the world. If he's gay, it's a lot more problematic. Be cautious if he suggests that he's bisexual, as this can often be a convenient term and a cop-out. In any case, if his preference is men then he will eventually feel quite stifled in a marriage.

This is a difficult situation which requires patience, a lot of honesty, understanding and conversation. If there is a gay or LGBT center in your city, it might be a good idea for him to drop in and discuss his feelings and various issues with a sympathetic and knowledgeable counselor.

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