Finding Mr. Right

Hi. My name is J. I recently came out or should I say all my family said we know, J, you don't have to tell us, we know. Now that I am out I don't know what to do. I want to be in a relationship but it seems that every guy that I have seen wants a quicky, but I want a long-term relationship. I am from the south and am a hopeless romantic and it seems that I've lost hope in finding Mr. Right. Do you have any ideas on finding someone looking for the same thing I am. Thanks, J.

I could be wrong but I have the feeling you're a pretty young guy, so I wouldn't give up hope just yet on finding Mr. Right. That's still the case even if you're middle-aged or older. Finding and falling in love with the right person (and vice versa) takes time. Even when you think you may have found the right guy, it still takes time to fall deeply and maturely in love with someone. Many people confuse romantic infatuation and sexual attraction with love, but love takes much longer to grow and bloom. It's possible that the guys you meet who want quickies are a bit scared off by your obvious need for a lover -- give them time to get to really know you before you start talking about love and commitment. "Hopeless romantics" can often fall in love simply with the idea of being in love. Slow down and things may move faster, if you know what I mean.

It's also true that each person is ready for a committed relationship at a different time in his life. In your case you may have to face the fact that if you're fresh out of the closet you may not be quite ready for a relationship just yet. What's the hurry? Sow a little wild oats and see what's out there before tying yourself down. Some people want to be in a long-term relationship while they're still in their twenties, and others aren't ready until they're over fifty. However, nowadays there are gay guys only in their twenties who are living together, getting married, making a commitment to one another for a lifetime. So guys who are looking for love and long-term relationships, as you are, are out there, believe me!

Where do you find them? Probably not in bars. If your city has any kind of gay center you might investigate if there are social groups for men of your age. There you can get to know someone over time in an atmosphere that isn't strictly sexual, as it often is in bars. Sometimes the friendships you make in these groups can blossom into love. There are also different kinds of gay social groups on the Internet and there's a possibility of making a connection there with someone in your city. While you have to exercise caution, there is also a possibility of meeting Mr. Right on a gay dating site -- it's happened. Check out various sites and make it clear that you are looking for a serious relationship and not just sex. (Remember that sex -- safe sex -- is part of the dating process. That doesn't mean you have to hop into bed with a guy on the first date, but eventually you'll both want to see if you're compatible.) You may have to meet and date several guys before finding the one who's just right for you, and who will hopefully feel the same.

If you decide to go the Internet dating route, be as honest and as thorough as possible on your profile. Your tastes, interests, likes, dislikes, whether you smoke or drink, and so on. Don't expect perfection -- it doesn't exist. The guy you're looking for will be amenable to having a drink or coffee with you for your first date and won't ask you to come over for a quickie (Don't go to a total stranger's house -- or invite them to yours -- under any circumstances. In any case, you'll want to meet them first just to check them out.) People can lie, but you can often pick out the honest guys from the liars by how open and forthcoming they are. You don't want to start dating a guy who already has a lover or -- yikes! -- a wife. (Unfortunately gay dating sites have been infiltrated by these guys. Sometimes they're upfront about their situation, but more often they're not.)

But don't be discouraged. It is often true that you have to kiss a lot of toads to find a prince, but
eventually you'll find the right guy -- or he'll find you.

Good luck and let me know if I can help with anything else.

Gay Teens Go Straight?

Is it possible for a person to have homosexual experiences in youth, say as a teenager in high school or in college, yet grow up to be entirely straight? Anon.

No. Playing "doctor" during the prepubescent period is one thing, but actual gay sexual experiences after puberty-- in high school and in college (!) yet -- is something else. A young person who is gay may decide to live a straight or closeted life due to shame -- internalized homophobia -- or religious, societal or parental pressure -- but gay feelings simply don't just disappear. Bisexual advocates will suggest that a person who is more gay-active in youth may become more straight-active as he or she gets older (again, this could be due to internalized homophobia even if the person is legitimately bi) but they will still have a same-sex attraction. Despite the homophobic propaganda put out by ex-gay groups such as Exodus, a person who enjoys homosexual relationships at any age will never be 100% hetero.

But it's okay to be gay!

Gay Men and Porn

Are gay men more interested in porn than straight men? Anon.

I don't know of any studies being done on this (what a waste of time and money!) but I'd be willing to bet that gay men are no more interested in pornography than straight men are. Why should they be? Some men (and women) are very stimulated by pornography and use it to enhance their sex lives -- or as a substitute. Other men have vivid imaginations and don't even need porn for stimulation. And there are men, gay and straight, who have no particular interest in pornography at all. True, you can sometimes see gay porn on the TV screen in a gay bar, while -- to my knowledge, at least -- you never see straight porn in a straight singles bar -- undoubtedly because some of the female customers (and some guys) might find it sexist and objectionable -- but straight porn is certainly shown at bachelor and stag parties and in certain For (straight) Men Only clubs.

Tops or Bottoms?

What percentage of gay men are tops and what percentage are bottoms? Anon.

I have never, ahem, actually done a scientific survey on this subject, but I would say it's about evenly divided. Of course there are men who are versatile, both top and bottom, but judging from what I see on gay dating/sex/friendship sites, there don't seem to be as many of them.

I can tell you that in my experience you can't assume the butcher gay men are automatically tops and the "femmes" are bottoms, because sometimes the reverse is true. When two men get together, it's two men getting together -- neither one is the "lady." Men who are bottoms should never feel that they are somehow less male because of it. There are some men who think of themselves as being "straight" because they are always the top when they have sex with another guy -- they're fooling themselves.

And, as usual, I remind everyone to stick to safe sex. This is true even if you are a top. Although there have been fewer cases of HIV infection in men who are tops than bottoms, it does happen. When it comes to anal penetration, always wear a condom.

Gal Dating Gay Guy?

Hi Bill, Thank you for your time. So, the guy I am dating doesn't know he's gay. My gay guy-friend had us over for dinner- says he's at least bi. It breaks my heart a little b/c I want him to be happy and he's so in denial. Is there anything I can say? I am primarily concerned for him , but I guess I don't want to get TOO attached and have him suddenly have an epiphany.... I'd rather he figure it out now, after 4 live-in girlfriends have cheated on him or left him b/c they "lost interest." I also don't want to contribute to the pattern. Thanks for your thoughts!!!!! AD.

Assuming the guy you're dating really is gay or bi, you have to tread carefully because some guys in the closet freeze up if you even make a slight suggestion about their sexuality. Bisexual advocates suggest that if he's genuinely bisexual he can have a sincere relationship with a woman, but he has to accept and deal with his bisexuality first, and also accept that he may be essentially gay, if that's the case. (Many women are uncomfortable with the notion of a bi boyfriend, which doesn't make them prejudiced, just leery over what the future may bring.) I don't know why your gay friend is convinced the boyfriend is at least bi -- there may be specific reasons or just a gut feeling.

I don't know if your boyfriend has a "macho" thing going on, but if you broach the gay subject with him it wouldn't hurt to start out by saying that there's nothing stereotypical about him -- if that's the case. Men who are in denial of their homosexuality have an absolute horror of being perceived as "queens" or stereotypical "fags." You can bring out the reasons for your suspicions, or say that your gay friend sensed something about him. Take it slow and easy, sensitively, assuring him that there's nothing whatsoever wrong in being gay. Explain that you care about him but you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who may be in denial over their sexuality and, as you put it, may have an epiphany months or years later.

A lot depends on his reaction. Getting hysterical or angry may not necessarily mean he's gay, but someone who's aware of and comfortable with his sexuality may more likely (but not necessarily) laugh it off and stay cool. There have been cases where a sensitive girlfriend has helped a man come out of the closet, and these gals deserve credit, especially when some of them may be in love with the guy and, understandably, would rather that he not be gay. But this is preferable to the women who feel they can "change" a guy, or are so unrealistic, possessive, or homophobic that they expect or even demand that the man in their life suppress his natural feelings for their sake. That's just asking for trouble in the long run.

You can start the conversation by asking how he feels about gay people and take it from there. Has he ever had sexual thoughts about men, or had a homosexual encounter? Make sure he's relaxed and lead him into it. The conversation may flow more easily than you imagine.

It may be difficult, but this is obviously a conversation you have to have. Feel free to ask follow-up questions.

Who's Kinky?

Are gay men kinkier than straight men, perhaps in that they're more open to trying new things? Anon.

Interesting question. Right off the bat I'd say that kinkiness -- an interest in outre or unconventional sexual practices -- has little to do with sexual orientation. Lots of people, male or female of all persuasions, have kinks or fetishes -- this is entirely normal. There are probably yahoo groups devoted to every type of kink or fetish imaginable, some of which you may find erotic and others disgusting.

Gay men were (and in some quarters still are) considered sexual outlaws, so some of them may be more open to experimentation than straight men. But if a straight man or woman finds something to be a particular turn on (and it isn't illegal, immoral or fattening -- and even if it is) they may be just as likely to indulge in a little kinkiness now and then or even on a regular basis especially if it's a big, big turn-on for them.

Aspects of the leather/s&m scene have always been considered a little kinky and fetishistic. And while the leather scene has always been a vibrant part of the gay scene, the fact is that there are heterosexual men and women who are leather and s&m/b&d enthusiasts.

So ultimately I'd have to say that gay men -- some of whom are downright conventional in their sexual habits -- are not "kinkier" than straight men.

Homosexual But Not Gay?

Why do so many people who are homosexual not want to identify or be identified as gay? Murray.

Historically there have always been people who were open about their homosexuality, even in the days before the modern-day Gay Rights movement, and I think that today a much higher percentage of gay people than ever before are out of the closet and proudly identify themselves as gay. But you're right that there are still a lot of people who don't, and there are various reasons. The biggest reason is internalized homophobia, a basic shame in being homosexual that can be deeply ingrained in a person's psyche (sadly, even some out-of-the-closet gays can be victimized by self-hatred). These people may be essentially homosexual but they more or less live "straight" lives, getting married and having kids, anything to keep the world at large from knowing the truth about their sexuality. This is certainly true of the many men of all ethnic backgrounds who are on the "down low." They desire men sexually but simply aren't secure and confident enough to think of themselves as gay. One study suggested that married homosexuals have a lack of self-esteem that prevents them from coming out and challenging society's mores.

Then we have people who are bisexually active (sleeping or somehow involved with both sexes) or who at least think of themselves -- rightly or wrongly -- as being bisexual. Despite their same-sex attraction, they don't think of themselves as gay because they are also attracted to -- or are at least sexually, or in some other way, involved -- with the opposite gender. Some of these people are very pro-gay, however, feeling a unity with gays, while others (hypocritically) think of gay men as "fags."

Then we have homosexual men who don't identify as "gay" because they feel they don't conform to the public perception -- or stereotype -- of homosexual men. They are masculine and have no interest in the kinds of things that are supposed to fascinate gay men. They don't relate to "Madonna-loving queens" or have an interest in fashion. Many feel as I do that these men -- rather than saying they don't consider themselves "gay" (although they don't necessarily deny their homosexuality) -- would be better off being "gay" and challenging the stereotypes, helping to make clear that there is a great deal of diversity in the gay community.

Then we have homosexuals who simply prefer other labels because they somehow see themselves as being different from gays who have come before. "Post-gays," or what-not. Some are dealing with gender-identification issues that aren't easily summed up under the word "gay."

And some people just don't like the word "gay" and the frivolousness it implies. But the word, as a code for homosexual, has been around even longer than most people think and seems to be here to stay.

A Dye Job to Die For

Dr Bill, what do you think of this? Maybe it will give you a laugh. I was cruising a guy one night when he turns to me and says "I love your beard but you shouldn't dye it." Dr Bill -- I don't dye my beard! PH

Oops! Maybe he was just hoping you were older than he was! Did he have gray in his own beard? Or maybe he was just telling you that if it got to the point where you wanted to dye it, you should keep it natural. Whatever the case, I have to tell you that if anybody ever asked me if I dyed my goatee I'd probably just say:

"Yes -- Every St. Patty's Day I dye it green!"

You can steal the line if you want. Feel free to try variations such as "Halloween" and "orange" and "Ground hog's Day" and "blue."

I think you get the idea.

Infatuated with Younger Man

I am a middle-aged gay man who finds himself unrequitedly infatuated with a younger man. I recently accepted the fact that it is hopeless and simply want to move on and get over him. But how can you get over an infatuation? BB

Now why does everyone ask me about unrequited infatuation? Seriously, there is a way to get over a crush, and while you may feel you're infatuated, obsessed, or in love, the fact is you're probably just in crush. I remember asking someone the same question once and I was told "You don't get over an infatuation. You just enjoy the fantasy." It sounded like a good answer at the time but it's completely inaccurate. Here's how you get over a crush.

First, stop hanging around the object of your affection, which you know you're doing way too much. Seeing him may be the highlight of your day, but you have to move on. Throw out your pictures of him, delete the ones on your hard drive, and cut him out of your life as much as possible. You've gotten past the first hurdle -- you've accepted that it's just not gonna happen. Now do the next sensible thing and get on with your life. Bless him and let him go!

Get yourself out there meeting new men! The easiest way to forget about the wrong guy is to meet the right one. Meet guys online, go on dates, frequent bars where you're more likely to find men who are your type and in your age range. Guys can be hot even in middle-age or older! You don't need the younger ones, baby! (Of course if you meet a younger guy who likes older men, okay, but that obviously hasn't happened here.)

I know, I know. You think you can't live without the one you think of nearly every hour of every day. You spend most of your time day-dreaming about the future with him that you know you won't have. Enough of that already! You may be feeling some heartbreak and disappointment, sure, but look at it this way. Think of all the people out there who lose spouses and partners that they've been with for decades. If you keep it in perspective you'll realize that what you're going through, while difficult, is a lot easier to deal with than the grief of losing a loved one of many years.

You can do it! You can get over this guy! The sooner you move on the faster you can meet someone new!

Think of the possibilities and go get 'im tiger!

Homophobic Boyfriend

I am a 28-year-old straight woman who is dating a thirty-year-old man. He is a nice guy in many ways but it bothers me that he is so homophobic. If he sees a guy that he even suspects might be gay, he'll say something disparaging. He also puts other men down by implying that they're gay. He uses homophobic slur terms on a regular basis. This happens over and over again. Could he be covering up some homosexual feelings of his own? He just never seems to let an opportunity to say something anti-gay go by. Thanks. SJ.

Whatever's up with this guy, he clearly has issues. There are a lot of homophobic guys out there, but if they go on and on and on about it it's never a good sign. And clearly he's overdoing it or you wouldn't be quite so bothered. Some straight men with mild homophobic attitudes can learn and change, but others have deep-rooted feelings that are much harder to reach.

Even if his feelings are caused by religious attitudes or the like, the fact that he can't stop making homophobic comments is a bad sign. It may be that he suffers from a severe inferiority complex, which is the cause of most prejudice (against gays or other minorities). For some reason he doesn't feel very manly and needs to hate gays so he can feel superior to them. Subconsciously he thinks: I may not be much of a man but at least I'm not a fag.

It's also possible that he's repressing his own homosexual feelings, which is often (but not always) the case with gay bashers. Men like this repeatedly insult gay men in the hopes that it will prevent anyone from sensing the truth about them, which they don't even want to admit to themselves.

Whatever the truth, he sounds like a guy with serious sexual identity issues. You can try confronting him on this and see what happens. Perhaps he can undergo counseling, or if he's repressed, learn to accept his sexuality. But in any case, it sounds like you might need to move on.

But I have a feeling you've pretty much come to the same conclusion, right?