HAPPY GAY PRIDE!

Today is the Gay Pride March in New York City, my home town.

And all I can say is:

HAPPY GAY PRIDE EVERYONE!

Have a great time, party, stay cool, stay safe.

And don't forget -- this isn't just a parade -- it's a March!

Because there's still a heck of a long way to go!

Straight Men Don't Do Gay Porn

Why do straight men do gay porn? Anon.

They don't.

Men who have sex with other men with the cameras rolling and even with a paycheck waiting are no more "straight" than I am. Those who have wives and girlfriends may be technically bisexual. But straight? Some people say there's more money to be made in gay porn and that's why they do it, but how can that be when it stands to reason that straight porn sells a lot better, there presumably being many more straight men (and straight porn fans) than gay.

Porn star Michael Lucas was once asked if certain performers in his gay porn films were really straight, and he gave a good answer, something along the lines of how they lead "straight lifestyles" but were "very enthusiastic" whether they were doing gay or straight porn. Let's say he was tactful and leave it at that.

Straight?

I don't think so.

Many so-called "gay for pay" people are, sadly, ashamed of their lusts for men but indulge in those lusts because -- let's face it -- sex is a powerful force. If they're porn stars or prostitutes they can say to themselves and everyone else: "See I'm not gay. I'm just doing it for the money."

Matt Sanchez is a particularly pernicious example of this.

To say it's "pre-Stonewall" is an understatement.

Gay Pride should have wiped away these negative feelings, but for some people it's darkest before the dawn.

Bars vs. Online Dating

You've written about being careful about who you meet online. But don't you have to be even more careful in bars, especially if you're drinking? At least online you have a clear head. Anon.

Well, maybe you do. A picture of a hot guy or a massive member attached to a private message on a gay dating site can make some men take any risk. There are some things you can do to protect yourself from bad scenes if you meet someone in a bar:

1.) Don't get so crap-faced that you don't know what you're doing or who you're doing it with.

2.) Carry plenty of condoms. Most bars have jars full of them, or ask the bartender.

3.) If someone seems too good to be true -- they're definitely way out of your league -- maybe they have less than pleasant motives for wanting to get together.

4.) Ask the other customers, preferably regulars, as well as the bartender, if they know the guy you're planning to go off with. Is he a complete stranger to everyone? Is he well-known as a nice guy in the bar?

5.) If you go off with a stranger, make sure you introduce him to a few people, and that he knows that they know who you're going off with.

6.) If someone is sending out bad signals, listen to your brain and don't go with him.

7.) Don't bring a complete stranger that no one can vouch for to your home. Bringing them to your hotel room is also a bad idea. If you want to go home with someone, stay out of private houses in isolated areas until you know them better. Going to somebody else's hotel room is generally safer.

8.) Sick to safe sex! Many guys do not know their HIV status, lie about it, or do not volunteer the information. But if you stick to safe sex, that won't be a problem.

The advantage that bars have over online dating is that at least you're meeting the guy face to face and you can immediately tell if the chemistry is there (unless it's more a question of alcohol-induced lust). If you're not drunk you can size the person up. You're seeing what they really look like and not a possibly doctored or older photograph.

Remember, play safe and have a great time.

Watch Out for That Man With a Wife

What percentage of men on gay dating sites would you say have wives and children? Z.

I wouldn't doubt that it's at least 10% and possibly as high on some sites as 25% or more. Even with all the recent scandals a la Larry Craig and Jim McGreevey, people still don't realize how many so-called "family" men are privately homosexual and still deep in the closet even in this day and age. And they're not all Republicans. Some of these men are at least "out" to some gay friends or at least their tricks (sex partners). There is probably a higher percentage on line than in bars because some of these guys won't go into a gay bar, afraid they might run into someone who will recognize them and gossip. Especially if they live in a smaller city.

Some of these guys are honest about their marital status and refer to themselves as "married bi's," preferring to have people think they're simply "hip" swingin' bisexuals than the pathetic out-of-date closet cases most of them really are. If a gay guy -- (I use the word "gay" to denote Out and Proud or at least a self-accepting gay person as opposed to a self-hating homo) wants to have a quickie with one of these guys, that's his business, but he should never expect anything more from him than a quick lay. As the cliche goes: they never leave their beards, I mean, wives.

There are occasional exceptions. Some of these men are finally coming to accept themselves as homosexuals and getting tired of leading double lives. They're not quite ready to come out of the closet yet and live an open gay life, but they do want to meet people. Hopefully some of the men they meet on these sites will convince them that it's okay to be gay.

Some gay men, myself included, have felt it necessary on some sites to add a note to our profiles saying, in effect, that we're not interested in dating guys with wives. One man explained on his profile that these married guys often suffered from guilt feelings and who needs the hassle? You want to meet a nice guy to either date, screw, or maybe even have a relationship with, not these f--kers who -- when it comes to Gay Pride -- are still roaming with the dinosaurs.

Not all men on these sites are honest (big news, right?). But in general you can have a good idea of whether someone is married and/or deeply in the closet by whether or not they post a photograph of their face. (Okay, some guys feel their face is not their best feature, or are a bit shy about the Internet etc., but they should at least offer to send a facial shot once you've both sent a few private messages back and forth.) Who can tell if you're going to find a guy attractive if all you can see is a picture of their penis? We're not all "size kings."

However, some of these guys post their pictures anyway. As I've said in other posts, a sixth sense can help in telling you if the guy is being upfront about his situation or not. Is he forthcoming, is he free with his name and email, what he does and so on, or is he sly and secretive? Is his profile practically blank -- nothing about his life, his work, his interests? Either he's incredibly uninteresting or he's hiding something.

One big indicator. If he says "I'm not into a gay scene" he probably isn't. Oh, he's homosexual, all right, he's just not "gay."

Listen, I don't want to discourage anyone from using Internet dating sites because they're afraid every guy they meet will turn out to be married.

The vast majority of men on these sites are gay, baby, gay!

It's Okay to Be Gay

I am a 32-year-old man and have had the same girlfriend for many years. During our time together, I have had sex with several men. I have never considered myself gay or even bisexual. Some men wanted to date me, but I was only interested in sex. The thought of a romance with a guy made me nervous. My family is very narrow and religious, although I have tried all my life to be more open-minded than they are. Although I have tried not to think about it, recently I have come to the conclusion that I am much more turned on by men than women. My sex life with my girlfriend and the occasional other woman is not that satisfying, except for the orgasm, but I often find myself thinking about men or I can't shoot. There is a guy I really like and might love, and I think he really goes for me, and not just in bed. But I can't see living my life with him instead of with a woman, even though I admit I'd rather be with him than her. Should I just accept that I'm gay? Anon.

Yes. With all due respect, you could be the poster boy for "internalized homophobia," the term we use to describe the often subconscious feeling that some homosexual people have -- a kind of self-hatred -- that keeps them in denial and in the closet and prevents them from having fulfilled sexual and romantic lives. People like this prefer their own sex but live with and marry the opposite sex because they're just too ashamed to have anyone think of them as gay. It's obvious that your background -- the religious and narrow-minded family -- have done a lot to create your negative impression of homosexuals and your fear of seeing and accepting yourself as gay.

Not only are you not being fair to yourself, but you're not being fair to your long-time girlfriend. She has a right to have a boyfriend who isn't thinking about men all the time, and who may be in love with a man.

It's the 21st century. Millions of people are perfectly happy being gay, and gay men come in all shapes, sizes, attitudes, and modes of expression. Anyone can be gay. At thirty-two you have to ask yourself if a fear of your family's reaction should keep you in a false relationship that in the long run will only hurt yourself, your girlfriend, and the men you get involved with.

I think it's important for you to get counseling or therapy. preferably from an openly gay or at least gay-friendly therapist. Look at all the gay men who love each other and live together openly as domestic or (where it's legal) married partners. Some of those men may have once had the same feelings of dread and shame that you're feeling now, but they got over them with a little help from their friends.

Focus instead on the good feelings you have when you're with a man, especially the man you say you'd prefer to spend your life with. This man will want and deserves a partner who can be fully committed to him, to your life together, and who will not be ashamed of the love that the two of you share.

Get the help you need so you can deal with all the issues you're facing. You can do it. It's okay to be gay. You can probably get information at a local gay/LGBT center or gay helpline.

Good Luck and stay in touch!

Heterophobia?

During a discussion the other day someone brought up the subject of "heterophobia?" Is there really such a thing? Anon.

Not really. Or at least it certainly isn't the same kind of social ill as homophobia. The term "heterophobia" can be used to describe a negative attitude a gay (and possibly straight) person has about heterosexuality or straight people. In general, however, most, if not all, "heterophobia" is just a reaction to homophobia. After decades of being called "fags," "perverts," "dykes," and so on, some gay people began using the derisive term "breeders" to describe straight people, especially those who were homophobic. Of course gay people can also "breed," and the term isn't used very much today. It's possible that some gay people have been treated so horribly by straights, including their own relatives, having to deal with almost constant, daily verbal and even physical abuse, that they can develop a hatred of straight people, but much more often a gay person even in such a situation will retain his sense of balance.

Look at it this way. Some African-Americans may on occasion make negative (often humorous) comments about whites, but often this is simply a reaction to remarks whites have made about them, or even just an expression of Black Pride. So, too, with some Gays, who joke about, say, straight people having no sense of style or what-have-you. In most instances they're simply expressing Gay Pride. In truth, both the gay and straight communities are very diverse.

The fact is that while heterosexuals can be discriminated against if they belong to other minority groups (Black, Asian, Jewish, Hispanic etc.) or are female, they are not discriminated against because of their sexuality the way gays and other "queer" minorities are. Gay kids are routinely kicked out of their homes when they come out of the closet. Gay people can be fired from their jobs simply because they're gay in 31 states, and gay people can literally be put to death today in the 21st century in any number of third world nations. And so on.

So you see, even if there may be some "heterophobia" -- most if not all of which is entirely benign -- it doesn't in any way, shape, or form compare to homophobia, just as the anger some African-Americans feel toward whites, especially racist whites, does not compare to the racism suffered by black people at the hands of whites down through the centuries.

Anal Bleaching?

I was perusing a gay magazine the other day and saw an ad for something called "anal bleaching." It was some sort of cosmetic procedure, I believe. I asked quite a few of my gay friends and no one has ever heard of this. Dr. Bill, do you know what "anal bleaching" is and why would a gay man, or anyone else, want it? PT.

I'm tempted to say that anal bleaching is a new way for people to throw away their money and for people with too much time on their hands to waste it. But here's the skinny. Apparently as some people, especially lighter-skinned people, get older, the skin around the anus becomes darker or discolored and supposedly unsightly. Now I can understand some people not wanting to have discolored teeth, but a discolored anus is something else again. I presume that the most likely candidates for this procedure are porn stars, but like teeth whitening, botox and everything else that becomes trendy, soon anal bleaching will be all the rage for, as I say, gay and straight people, male and female, who have way too much time and money and don't want to miss out on the latest "thing."

The bleach that is used to lighten the skin around the anus is banned in France and other countries because it is considered toxic. There are supposed to be innumerable unhealthy side effects to this procedure as well.

My advice? Leave your anus alone -- unless, of course, someone wants to "touch it up" in the bedroom.

Mixed Gay/Straight Marriages

If one partner in a heterosexual marriage realizes that he or she is gay, is there still a chance that the couple can stay together? More to the point, should they? Anon.

No. A man or woman who is essentially homosexual should be in a happy, healthy relationship with a member of their own sex, not living a lie in a sham marriage. Most homosexuals who enter into heterosexual marriages do so because of self-hated, internalized homophobia, an inability to accept that they're gay and that gay is good. Homosexuals in these phony marriages should always be encouraged to accept themselves as gay men or lesbians, or they can never be completely happy or fulfilled. Homosexuals in these situations may feel that they're getting some benefit -- heterosexual privileges, so to speak -- out of being married, but it's just that they feel more "secure" by posing as "straight" to the world. But this feeling of security is just as illusionary as the marriage. They're constantly in terror of being exposed. And their self-hatred and dissatisfaction is debilitating.

Some homosexuals come to look upon their heterosexual spouses as their best friends, or some kind of a safety net. But a relationship with a "best friend" is not the same as the fully romantic and sexual, completely fulfilling and mature relationship, that both spouses deserve. Not only is the homosexual spouse getting a raw deal, but so is the straight one.

Couples in this situation should never be encouraged to stay together. The homosexual spouse will never feel good about him or herself as a gay person in such a situation. Any one who counsels these people must address the issue of internalized homophobia that is at the root of the problem. Anything less is completely unfair to both parties. The straight spouse (as well as the homosexual one) must come to realize that homosexuality is not some kind of disease that can be or should be "suppressed" so that a sham "heterosexual" marriage can continue. This is only allowing a situation in which homophobic attitudes -- both internalized and external -- can fester.

(Shockingly, I have come across gay therapists who think these couples should sometimes stay together, depriving both spouses of ultimate happiness and fulfillment. It's bad enough if straight, homophobic therapists feel this way, but gay ones? Perhaps they're dealing -- or not dealing -- with their own issues ... They absorb a lot of trendy, pc crap and spew it out as gospel or else believe all the nonsense spouted by their in-denial patients. Therapists, sadly, can be as dumb as anyone.)

Sometimes couples in this situation can remain friends -- especially if there are children involved -- even after both have moved on. But they should never stay together "for the sake of the children." Both parents will be miserable and children can hardly flourish in such an atmosphere.

Homosexuals in these "mixed marriages" should always be encouraged to stop being married homosexuals and closet cases, and come out as happily gay. This is the 21st century, after all, not the pre-Stonewall period, and even then "mixed marriages" were unfair and ludicrous.

Straight spouses of homosexuals can find support at the Straight Spouse Network. Homosexuals in "straight" marriages should seek counseling at their nearest gay/LGBT center. In both cases, any therapist should be at least gay-friendly, and a gay therapist should have a strong sense of Gay Pride.

That's the way it is!

Will and Jane?

I am a 37-year-old gay man who was been friends with a straight woman the same age since we were in college. She is pretty much my best friend and confidante. Over the years mutual friends have told me that they think "Jane" is in love with me, but I told them we were just very close and that was that. "Jane" is an attractive and wonderful person in many ways, but for some reason she's just never found the right guy, even though she's dated many guys. Lately she keeps saying -- since I've never found the right guy, either, although I, too, have had many boyfriends -- that the two of us should face facts and just get together. She even suggested we go to bed together, but later said she was just being facetious. However the other night she kept trying to tell me that I was bisexual, everyone was bisexual, and that we would make a great couple since we already loved each other. She even said she was attracted to women but suppressed it and that I was also suppressing my attraction to women. I should explore it and we should have sex.

But Dr. Bill, I'm not bisexual, I'm totally and happily gay. I dated women in high school but realized that I had no romantic or sexual feelings for them, and I have absolutely no romantic or sexual feelings for Jane, I only love her as a friend and I'm very concerned for her. Lately she's been drinking too much and mutual friends say it seems as if she's on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Any advice, please? PK.

It sounds as if Jane is going through a bad time, all right, and there are a couple of possible reasons for it. She may have been pretending to be bisexual only in an attempt to convince you that you were bisexual -- and therefore not out of the running -- but maybe not. If that's not the case her talk about repressing her feelings for women is troubling. This could be the old story of the self-hating lesbian wanting to marry the gay guy so the two can play house and pretend to be happily heterosexual OR --

It's also possible that Jane -- be she straight or bi -- has fallen in love with you (or at least thinks she has). She has come to realize that the one man she can always depend upon, who is her greatest friend and confidante, the one she has the most fun with and who she spends the most time with ... is you. Maybe the straight guys she dated came up short, or she's getting tired of waiting for the right one to come along. If she has a strong sexual attraction for you as well, I can understand why she's drinking too much due to her pain, frustration, and confusion.

I know it's often easier to discuss these difficult matters with friends when one or both of you is under the influence, but I think this time you and Jane need to have a plain and sober conversation. Don't start with the possibility that she's in love with you -- start instead with what she said about being attracted to women. Find out what's really up with that. If she has homosexual desires she needs to face it, accept it, and enjoy it.

If the problem is that she's a closeted lesbian who was desperately reaching out to you for some phony hetero solace, then you don't have to worry about her having inappropriate feelings for you, and you can help her be happily gay. On the other hand, if she was just trying to start a conversation on bisexuality in the hopes you'd say you were secretly hot for women (and her), then at least you'll have a way to let her down gently. Don't ask her if she's in love with you; ask her if perhaps she was hoping the two of you would "move on to the next level," as friends sometimes do. Before she can answer (so she can save face if she wants to), tell her that you are not bi, you're completely gay and like it that way, and you are not capable of or interested in having a romantic or sexual relationship with a woman. Any woman. And that's that. Keep it light, don't embarrass her, but be firm.

Nobody likes to be rejected by someone they are desperately hoping to have a relationship with. But at least Jane will know that you aren't rejecting her per se. Hopefully she will accept what you have to say and recognize that she has to move on. Hopefully she'll be able to maintain a friendship with you, but you'll have to understand that it may be too painful for her to do so.

What Jane could be going through is the reverse of the situation where a gay guy desperately hopes a straight friend is really gay because he's smitten with him. But just as we gay guys have to accept that, yes some men are actually straight, Jane and women like her have to accept that some men are totally, happily gay and they're not going to change -- or "suppress" -- for anyone.

In the meantime, do you know any straight single guys you can introduce her to?

Finding Mr. Right

Hi. My name is J. I recently came out or should I say all my family said we know, J, you don't have to tell us, we know. Now that I am out I don't know what to do. I want to be in a relationship but it seems that every guy that I have seen wants a quicky, but I want a long-term relationship. I am from the south and am a hopeless romantic and it seems that I've lost hope in finding Mr. Right. Do you have any ideas on finding someone looking for the same thing I am. Thanks, J.

I could be wrong but I have the feeling you're a pretty young guy, so I wouldn't give up hope just yet on finding Mr. Right. That's still the case even if you're middle-aged or older. Finding and falling in love with the right person (and vice versa) takes time. Even when you think you may have found the right guy, it still takes time to fall deeply and maturely in love with someone. Many people confuse romantic infatuation and sexual attraction with love, but love takes much longer to grow and bloom. It's possible that the guys you meet who want quickies are a bit scared off by your obvious need for a lover -- give them time to get to really know you before you start talking about love and commitment. "Hopeless romantics" can often fall in love simply with the idea of being in love. Slow down and things may move faster, if you know what I mean.

It's also true that each person is ready for a committed relationship at a different time in his life. In your case you may have to face the fact that if you're fresh out of the closet you may not be quite ready for a relationship just yet. What's the hurry? Sow a little wild oats and see what's out there before tying yourself down. Some people want to be in a long-term relationship while they're still in their twenties, and others aren't ready until they're over fifty. However, nowadays there are gay guys only in their twenties who are living together, getting married, making a commitment to one another for a lifetime. So guys who are looking for love and long-term relationships, as you are, are out there, believe me!

Where do you find them? Probably not in bars. If your city has any kind of gay center you might investigate if there are social groups for men of your age. There you can get to know someone over time in an atmosphere that isn't strictly sexual, as it often is in bars. Sometimes the friendships you make in these groups can blossom into love. There are also different kinds of gay social groups on the Internet and there's a possibility of making a connection there with someone in your city. While you have to exercise caution, there is also a possibility of meeting Mr. Right on a gay dating site -- it's happened. Check out various sites and make it clear that you are looking for a serious relationship and not just sex. (Remember that sex -- safe sex -- is part of the dating process. That doesn't mean you have to hop into bed with a guy on the first date, but eventually you'll both want to see if you're compatible.) You may have to meet and date several guys before finding the one who's just right for you, and who will hopefully feel the same.

If you decide to go the Internet dating route, be as honest and as thorough as possible on your profile. Your tastes, interests, likes, dislikes, whether you smoke or drink, and so on. Don't expect perfection -- it doesn't exist. The guy you're looking for will be amenable to having a drink or coffee with you for your first date and won't ask you to come over for a quickie (Don't go to a total stranger's house -- or invite them to yours -- under any circumstances. In any case, you'll want to meet them first just to check them out.) People can lie, but you can often pick out the honest guys from the liars by how open and forthcoming they are. You don't want to start dating a guy who already has a lover or -- yikes! -- a wife. (Unfortunately gay dating sites have been infiltrated by these guys. Sometimes they're upfront about their situation, but more often they're not.)

But don't be discouraged. It is often true that you have to kiss a lot of toads to find a prince, but
eventually you'll find the right guy -- or he'll find you.

Good luck and let me know if I can help with anything else.

Gay Teens Go Straight?

Is it possible for a person to have homosexual experiences in youth, say as a teenager in high school or in college, yet grow up to be entirely straight? Anon.

No. Playing "doctor" during the prepubescent period is one thing, but actual gay sexual experiences after puberty-- in high school and in college (!) yet -- is something else. A young person who is gay may decide to live a straight or closeted life due to shame -- internalized homophobia -- or religious, societal or parental pressure -- but gay feelings simply don't just disappear. Bisexual advocates will suggest that a person who is more gay-active in youth may become more straight-active as he or she gets older (again, this could be due to internalized homophobia even if the person is legitimately bi) but they will still have a same-sex attraction. Despite the homophobic propaganda put out by ex-gay groups such as Exodus, a person who enjoys homosexual relationships at any age will never be 100% hetero.

But it's okay to be gay!

Gay Men and Porn

Are gay men more interested in porn than straight men? Anon.

I don't know of any studies being done on this (what a waste of time and money!) but I'd be willing to bet that gay men are no more interested in pornography than straight men are. Why should they be? Some men (and women) are very stimulated by pornography and use it to enhance their sex lives -- or as a substitute. Other men have vivid imaginations and don't even need porn for stimulation. And there are men, gay and straight, who have no particular interest in pornography at all. True, you can sometimes see gay porn on the TV screen in a gay bar, while -- to my knowledge, at least -- you never see straight porn in a straight singles bar -- undoubtedly because some of the female customers (and some guys) might find it sexist and objectionable -- but straight porn is certainly shown at bachelor and stag parties and in certain For (straight) Men Only clubs.