Boyfriend and Erotic Video Games

My boyfriend and I enjoy playing video games together. One game we play is World of Warcraft. He has several female toons on his account and explains that they are more visually appealing than the male ones. I have no problem with this. Recently I logged on to the game and saw him on one of his female toons erping (erotic role playing) with another male player. I have also discovered that he has gotten a few emails from male players, all of whom believe he is female. Some have sexual content and pictures attached, but not sexually explicit pictures. I asked my boyfriend in a non threatening way if he was bi. His answer was "I don't believe so". In the past, before this discovery, he has said he doesn't understand why men erotic role play as females with other men. Is it possible he is bi? Our own relationship is very sexually satisfying for both of us so I'm surprised about this latest discovery.

Your boyfriend is playing games in virtual reality -- not, as far as you know, having sex with men in the real world -- so you may be jumping to conclusions about his sexuality. As I've said before, red flags are finding gay porn or some type of gay literature in his apartment -- either magazines or on his computer -- finding out he's signed up with gay dating sites, sexy emails from guys that he's clearly met in the flesh or would like to, or his paying more attention to a good-looking waiter or bartender than he does to you. Yes, his role-playing as a female character could be a way to attract guys, only the trouble is they're straight guys, so obviously nothing much could come of it. Also most gay men don't want to masquerade as women -- they take pride in their masculinity. 

However, his answer of "I don't believe so" when you asked him if he was bi is a little strange. Not to make too much of what may be nothing, but it's not exactly a definitive "No." You may have to approach the subject again, keeping in mind that for most men who call themselves bi, "bisexual" is just a convenient label and a cop-out.

Porn Stars

Hi Dr Bill.I am a Asian person from Taiwan. I read your blog article "gay for pay." I want to ask u why are u so sure that all of gay porn stars are not straight?

Do u know someone who works in the gay porn company that they are really gay?

Well, I thought I explained it pretty well in that post you mention, but it never hurts to explore an interesting subject again. 

I do know people in the porn industry, but even if I didn't let's just say you can't tell me that a guy can spend many of his days sucking and fucking or being fucked by another guy and isn't just a little bit -- or a lot -- gay.  Many of the men who do gay porn do indeed lead "straight" lives in that they may have wives, girlfriends and children, but they would certainly have to be classified as bisexual at the very least. 

The whole idea of "rough trade" -- men who have sex with men but supposedly are heterosexual -- is a dated, pre-Stonewall [pre modern day Gay Liberation] concept. Some have argued that straight guys can have sex with men just as gay men have sex with women and simply put on a show, but that is ignoring the fact that even in this day and age there is a stigma attached to being gay, especially for "macho" males who are ashamed of their gay feelings. [Also the notion that there are straight men who want to have sex with men, popularized by an idiot gay therapist, is completely ludicrous!]

So ask yourself, why on earth would a 100% heterosexual male want to engage in actual sex acts with another man no matter how much he's paid? Surely there are easier and more fun ways of making a living. I also doubt the assertion that gay porn pays better than straight porn. Why should it? There's a lot more straight porn [and straight buyers] than gay porn, so financially it just doesn't add up. 

So the fact that some porn stars in gay-oriented films are married with children doesn't make them straight anymore than the married guy cruising the gay bar or the Internet for men to have sex with.

Gay Ex-Husband?

I  married a man, and after the marriage it seemed like he was gay and eventually we divorced.

We dated off and on for four years and then we married.  Before I married him a woman from his alcoholics anonymous meeting kept warning that men like him will marry me and then stop having sex with me, but before the marriage I never understood what she was getting at because our sex life before we married was good.   As soon as we married he lost interest in me sexually.  He soon wanted me thinner, blonder, and tanner. But the tanner, the thinner I got and longer haired and blonder I got he was still not attracted to me.

 After a few years of this I went back to being brunette and stayed healthy but stopped trying to keep up with his constantly changing critiques. I was attractive before our marriage and kept myself attractive throughout the marriage. In the first year, we bought a house and he told me, after we moved into the house,  that now he got his house and he told me he did not need me anymore. I was in shock but my mother told me to hang in there.

 That whole time he was not interested in sex.  He seemed to not be able to have an erection. Sex became very rare and he was angry afterwards,  but he wanted blow jobs.  Then the last two years of the marriage there was no sex.  He complained constantly of being unhappy and was always trying to start a fight.  He was always busy with work or friends. If he was at home he went to bed around six and fell asleep.

 After five years of marriage we divorced.   I never confronted him with being gay because I knew that I would not get a straight answer, and his personality was unpredictable.  But he was always restless and miserable and uninterested in sex. But I would catch him masturbating upon occasion.  I have lived with  other men and even when they were unhappy they wanted sex.

My questions are:  Do gay men pretend to be straight and then seem to not be able to follow through with the marriage and straight sex for the long haul?
 
What are the signs that a husband is actually gay?  If this guy was not gay, what else could it have been? (maybe he just wanted out of the marriage)

Frankly, there are so many reasons why a marriage and a sex life can go south that we can't necessarily pin your marriage's problems on your husband's sexual orientation. Also, "mixed" marriages -- where one partner is straight and the other gay [generally closeted] can play out in different ways. Some closeted husbands eschew sex with the wife for one reason or another [often blaming the wife's appearance or some other reason] while others continue to have sex and children with their spouse. Some closeted husbands seek out men to have sex with on the side while others, repressed and ashamed and in denial, try to suppress those urges. Being essentially gay doesn't mean a man can't have sex with women [some have zero interest and couldn't perform while others can father numerous children] but that he prefers being with men and should have a male lifetime partner.

Sadly, even in this supposedly more enlightened day and age there are homosexual men [I won't call them "gay" because they don't identify that way and are not exactly what we'd call Out and Proud] who use women as beards, to parade around as proof of their heterosexuality. They often fuss over the wife or girlfriend's appearance, wanting her to be as "hot" as possible so that he can seem more "studly."

Some married closeted homosexual men remain with their wives for decades, coming to see them as beloved companions if not objects of romantic passion. Others eventually rebel against living in a closet, taking their anger out on their wives.

So, based on what you say your ex-husband might very well have been dealing with issues of his sexuality. Only he, of course, knows for certain, although he may not be able to admit it to himself.

For red flags, please read my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay. 

Foot Fetish

Dear Dr. Bill,

I'm a 32 year old gay guy and have been with my partner for 3 years now.  We have a healthy sex life, are honest with each other and are very much in love.  Something I have kept from my boyfriend though is that I have a really strong fetish for men's feet. If I even so much as glance at a guy's feet in a pair of flip-flops I get hard.  Also, the soles of my feet are very erogenous and a guy only has to touch them to get me hard.

I have been aroused by men's feet ever since I was a teenager and have acted on my fetish with other men (i.e. sniffing, licking, sucking) but not with my current boyfriend. 

I want to incorporate some foot play into our sex life but I'm not sure how he'll take it or if he will think it's weird.  I fantasize a lot about men's feet and I am a little worried that I might get the urge to stray and go with another guy behind his back just to get some foot action but I would feel so bad about it as I love him so much.  I could never be with another guy and I want to spend the rest of my life with him so I want to stay faithful.

Do you think I should come out and tell him about my fetish?  Or do you have any ideas how I can incorporate some foot play into our sex life without freaking him out?  I would really like it if he could show some interest in my feet too so if you have any ideas how I can get him interested then please let me know.

I really hope you can help and would be extremely grateful for any advice.

Kind regards,

The good news is that foot fetishes are extremely common and unless your boyfriend is a super-conservative prig I can't imagine he would be that freaked out by it. I would suggest nuzzling or sucking his toes during foreplay and seeing what his reaction is -- he may enjoy it! Even if it's not a turn-on for him if you explain how much you love it he may be perfectly willing to incorporate it into your bedroom routine, especially if you're willing to do things that he enjoys but which you may not care less about. There's nothing abnormal about a foot fetish. So stay on your toes, play with those big feet of his, and see what happens! I mean, as fetishes go, a foot fetish is no big deal.

Confused Over Boyfriend

Hi Bill,
I've have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now and I have suspicions about him being gay. One time we were sitting in his living room watching a movie and out of no where he told me that he's been involved with another man before. I thought he was joking at first, but is expression was so serious. Then I asked him if he was for real or if he was serious, because I won't judge him...But he started watching the movie again and told me he was joking. Another time we were talking about our high school experiences and he told me how he was really popular and on the track team, but he didn't lose his virginity until he was 16. There is nothing wrong with that, but he told me that he didn't like the idea of bodily fluids mixing and he found it disgusting. It makes me wonder why a popular guy like him viewed sex in this way. It seems like he could have been trying to figure out his sexuality. Finally, one day we were at the barber shop and he was waiting to get his hair cut. He asked me if I thought his barber was cute and I told him no. While I asked him why he asked me that, he was checking the barber out and smiling. Maybe he could have been joking, but it really confused me. 

Then again, maybe he was afraid you were attracted to the barber. Frankly, there's really nothing in what you say to positively indicate that the guy might be gay except for one thing, which I'll get to in a moment. Gay men don't find bodily fluids "disgusting" anymore than straight men do so any queasiness he may feel about that may have nothing to do with sexual orientation, even if he was strictly speaking about male and female fluids. I don't know what movie you were watching, but he may have been joking about a former homosexual experience or greatly exaggerating something -- still, this could be a red flag. When people are getting ready to come out, they often "test the waters" by suddenly making statements about their sexual orientation to see what reaction they get, and then quickly taking it back and saying it was all a joke. That may be what he is doing here. If he starts ogling other men besides the barber, that's also a clue. He may be sending out signals or he may be joking around. I do think it would be a good idea to come right out and ask him in a non-judgmental way if he is attracted to men. Once that's out in the open at least you'll have some idea of what's up with him. If he's gay or sees himself as being bisexual but his preference is men, then you would both be better off with different boyfriends.

Questions about Fiance

Hi,

So I figured your expertise might have some answers to my stumping thoughts.

I'm engaged and questioning certain things about my fiance.

I feel he's hiding something or maybe I'm just a crazy assumer. sooo I thought, He might be bisexual......?

When I first met him, he told me about some gay guys he used to hang out with, that didn't seem "gay" and that they actually were fun to hang out with.

He specifically talked about a gay guy friend he used to work with. My fiance had a gf at the time but he told me his guy friend and him would joke around, for ex.: I read an email which went kinda like this....

 My fiance: "whats up fag" [Oy vey! -- Dr. Bill]

 his friend: "hey cock monkey"

 my fiance:" :)"

1st of all....a smilely face?

2nd.....isn't that flirting? [or just guys stupidly fooling around]

There were several other things he told me that were just a little...........bi-ish.

He told me that they always joke around and they both don't get offended by one another-[That's actually a good thing.]  It seemed they talked like that a lot. When we first met, I asked him..."are you bisexual". He got mad and said, "no!"

I thought, Obviously his friend is gay and likes guys, my fiance is good looking, so why wouldn't this gay guy jump on the chance to "do"  or flirt with my fiance.[Let's make it clear that gay men don't need to jump on or seduce straight guys, unless some encouragement makes it clear that the other guy isn't so straight after all.]

My fiance also cums a lot quicker during sex when I stick my finger up his butt and sometimes during sex he'll give me the lube to do it. [Interesting.]

 I found anal lube in the shower and he wouldn't tell me why it was in there. [That frankly is a red flag. Especially as he wouldn't give you an answer.]

He is the first bf that gets soo turned on by anal and would do it everytime if I let him.

We also have a great sex life but I've been catching him a lot masturbating watching porn.

Also, he kind of has a dysfunctional family, his parents have some mental problems [I hope you do realize that being gay or bi has nothing whatsoever to do with being dysfunctional or having "mental problems." Why are you even bringing it up?]

His sister told him she is bi and got so far as going down on a girl and the girl going down on her........

..........makes me believe for a sister to tell a brother that....is a little creepy [why?] or maybe he is bi, so he would understand because that was her 1st "real" sex with a girl. The mom also told them she had a lesbian experience and that's why the sister might have bi tendencies. [Well, people are born gay so I suppose a gay gene could be inherited. Both women could essentially be lesbians no matter how "straight" their lifestyle.]

And his straight friends and him say gay things [??] to each other jokingly but he also has said it to guys he doesn't know and it felt awkward to me, being there and hearing it, but the guys also seemed a little uncomfortable. And one time I told him, "you just flirted with that starbucks guy?!" and he said " I was just joking".

wtf? [It sounds like this guy is attracted to men and just doesn't know how to tell you, so he "acts out" in this way.]

I'm feel like I'm in the twilight zone, and just don't understand. And feel like he's hiding issues from me, and hiding things is not the way to start a marriage.

I might have to call off the engagement.

Does this sound like he might be bi or maybe his fam is kinda fucked up, so he is. -help

To be perfectly honest with you it sounds like your boyfriend is at the very least bisexual but isn't ready to come out as bi [he could even be gay]. This has nothing to do with a "dysfunctional family." Even if he is genuinely bisexual, the question is -- in his heart of hearts, and once he gets past any hang-ups he may have about his homosexual feelings -- which sex is his preference. If it's men, then a marriage would be problematic and completely unfair to both of you. The anal lubricant, his flirting with men, his deceptiveness, all bring his sexuality into question. I can't be absolutely certain of course, but I suggest you bring all of these things up to him, sharing your concerns, in a non-judgmental and non-accusatory way. Both of you deserve to know the truth.

Guy Only Wants Older Guys

Hey Dr. Bill, 

I’m 23 years old and I’m coming to realize that I find men physically attractive, but ONLY older guys. It’s not the age that attracts me, but the masculine characteristics that come with age. For example, I’ve always been obsessed with facial hair, body hair, and male hair loss. A handsome 40-year-old man who is losing his hair, has a thick beard, and is covered in body hair is the most beautiful thing in the world to me.

I am a very masculine-acting individual, and no one would guess that I'm gay. I secretly wish that I will go bald and become hairier to resemble what I find attractive, but it seems so at-odds with the desires of the gay community. It’s like these traits I find attractive are found to be disgusting by most others....it makes me feel like a freak.  What’s worse is this attraction is exclusive...young guys and women don’t interest me at all, plus I am not interested in anal sex either!

Is this what it means to be a bear? Or can my attraction to men evolve over time to include other kinds of guys as well as anal? At 23, having my friends and family see me with a man old enough to be my father makes me feel incredibly guilty and shameful.

Sorry if this question's dumb, I'm only just coming to terms with these things and had to get this out to somebody.

Not a dumb question. And there's nothing to feel guilty or shameful about. But I do have a few questions of my own. There's nothing wrong with dating or even having a long-term relationship with an older man, but you do realize that there are guys in their twenties who are hairy, masculine, and who have receding hairlines? [I myself was pretty much bald before I even hit thirty.] So I think that age must have to be a factor with you. In other words, you might have a "daddy" complex. And if you are not a bear [cub], you are definitely a bear-chaser.

First, about bears, or hairy, generally mustachioed or bearded, often non-stereotypical gay men: Yes, gay men outside the bear community do not find the traits you admire to be attractive. To hell with them! Within the very huge bear community you would not be considered a freak nor your desires disgusting.

Now as for daddies. A daddy used to be a mature gay man, a senior citizen in his sixties, but now it simply means older, which means a guy in his late thirties can be a daddy if his boyfriend is in his twenties. There are men who are attracted to [some] older men, simply because they like their looks and don't care that they happen to be older. But generally these guys also like men their own age. If you're strictly into older guys it could be for different reasons.

Some younger guys pursue older men because they didn't have a good relationship with their fathers. No, this doesn't mean they want to have sex with their dads but they feel they missed out on that special father/son relationship and they might be able to get that with an older man -- along with something extra, of course. Some men prefer older guys because they feel the competition will be less formidable; they may have low self-esteem. Some men like older guys as a sort of fetish. Sex is okay but a long-term relationship is out of the question.

None of these may apply to you, of course. But for now I wouldn't worry about it. When I was your age I was not even remotely attracted to bald or balding men, but now -- bald myself -- I tend to go for guys with shaved heads and goatees. Certainly not my cup of java when I was in my twenties. So your tastes may evolve over the years.

Some people just aren't into anal sex, top or bottom. Some gay guys don't even like to suck dick. Everybody's different. So don't worry about it. [Remember, if you ever try anal sex do it with someone you trust and use condoms!]

So date older men if you like. But someday you might want someone to grow older with, so don't dismiss guys your own age out of hand. Some may have the very qualities that you're looking for. Remember hairy daddies didn't become hairy overnight, but were that way all of their lives!

Bi-Situational Boyfriend

Hi Dr. Bill,

My 36 year old boyfriend initially revealed that he is bi-situational, I'm sure 
he's more interested in men than just when the situation presents itself. 
I realize he phrased it this way because he was anxious about my response and 
he would definitely never share this with his buddies or family.  He has since 
expressed his interest as a bi top who is oral versatile. He's a fantastic man 
and I embrace all aspects of who he is.  Never having been in a committed 
relationship with a man who identifies as bisexual, I'm not sure what this means 
over the long term.  It's something we will need to figure out as we go. What is 
the key to maintaining a healthy sexual relationship when one member of the 
couple identifies as bisexual?

Thank you so much for having a blog that delves into these questions! 

First, let me make it clear that there are people who will disagree with me,
but here it is. Identifying as bisexual is all well and good. The trouble is
that "bisexual" is a term that means different things to different people, and I'm
not convinced it really applies to many of the people who use it as a label. I can
not tell you the number of women who are out there who have husbands and boy-
friends who are attracted to men; I've heard from scores. The trouble is, many
of these guys are so ashamed of their homosexual feelings that they simply go
on the "down low." They have sex with men and have their "woman" as a front
They aren't honest with themselves so they have trouble being honest with the
people in their lives.

There are men who claim they only want sex with men and can only have 
romantic relationships with women. They often call themselves bisexual. I
call them closet cases. A true bisexual, according to bi advocates, can have
both sexual and romantic relationships with either sex. These men can't see
themselves in a relationship with a man because of their shame and embarress-
ment,what we call "internalized homophobia." And a man suffering from such
is often in denial as to the true extent of his homosexual feelings.  

Your boyfriend may insist -- as many of these men do -- that he is a bisexual
who leans towards being straight, that he is more attracted to women than to
men. But I hasten to add that a true bisexual does not have to have sex with
both men and women. Either can fully satisfy him or her. If that is genuinely the
case with your boyfriend, there shouldn't be any problem "maintaining a healthy
sexual relationship," as you put it.

But if your boyfriend is not really bisexual -- and I would not classify him
as such if in his heart of hearts [and gonads] his preference is men -- then
eventually he'll feel stifled in a heterosexual relationship or just have frequent
sexual contacts with other men. All you can do is talk it out with him and
hope he's totally honest with himself and with you.  


Frankly, "bi-situational" sounds like a lot of hooey to me, but I'm sure that
doesn't surprise you. Unless it refers to the fact that many men are bisexual
only in the sense that they do interact with both sexes but deep down are
primarily gay.  

 

Is Friend's Husband Gay?

I HAVE 2 QUESTIONS -----  FIRST QUESTION: MY FRIEND –A WOMAN IN HER 60’S HAS BEEN MARRIED SINCE HER LATE 30’S --TO A VERY NARCISSISTIC MAN, WHO  I THINK IS GAY.  HE ALWAYS WAS G O N E   A LOT   TRAVELING  WORKING  ---THEN GOT  JOBS AWAY FROM HOME AND NOW  HE  HAS BEEN LIVING IN DC NEAR DUPONT CIRCLE WHICH IS A GAY NEIGHBORHOOD FOR 10 YEARS AT LEAST.   MY FRIEND LIVES IN A NORTHERN CITY HE ONLY RETURNS HOME ABOUT 1-2 TIMES A MONTH ----- AT THE DAUGHTERS WEDDING HE LET IT BE KNOWN THEY ARE SEPARATED  SHE WAS SHOCKED  ALTHO I HAVE TOLD HER MY IDEAS ABOUT HIS PERSONALITY AND LIFESTYLE----  GOING TO KENNEDY CENTER  AND EATING OUT 3 TIMES A DAY AND BUYING AND DOING WHATEVER HE WANTS ----- WITHDRAWING LARGE AMTS OF CASH  SO SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE IS DOING IN DC    THEY DO HAVE 2 ADULT DAUGHTERS  LIVING IN OTHER STATES .  THE HUBBY IS GETTING TANS  TAKING MEDS FOR KEEPING HIS HAIR  ACTS RICH AND SMART AND SUCCESSFUL THO NOT REALLY THE CASE  HE WILL NEVER ADMIT WRONG AND IS SO FAKE ETC     HE IS NOW 66 WHAT DO YOU THINK???     SIGH   -      NOW SECOND QUESTION   SHOULD A PARENT WAIT TIL AN ADULT CHILD  COMES OUT????  OR SAY SOMETHING???

Well, merely living in Dupont Circle doesn't make someone gay, but judging from the rest of what you have to say there is a distinct possibility that he is leading a double life -- or at least has a girlfriend on the side. Although it could just as well be a boyfriend or boyfriends. Chances are he's "come out" to himself and a circle of friends but just can't bring himself to admit it to his wife. Perhaps she should confront him on it in a non-judgmental way?

As for your second question: If a parent feels an adult child is gay and also feels that they're not disclosing it is a barrier to their emotional closeness, they could bring it up -- again, in a non-judgmental way --  if only to let the adult child know that they are okay with it and just want to be a part of this aspect of their lives. Especially if the parent feels that the adult child is afraid the parent will disapprove or be unable to deal with it. If anything, it should bring the parent and adult child closer. 

Hope that helps. 

Enough with Asexuality!

I received a lot of responses to a long-ago post on asexuality. Many were rational and reasonable, but many others were apoplectic, moronic and ridiculous, even homophobic. Recently I got this nasty email from someone who clearly has issues of all different kinds:

"Being asexual is NOT a disability it is a valid orientation. no we aren't sick or lying; no not all of us are young. there are some in their 70's who never had sex & are leading perfectly happy lives." [Sheesh, if this gal had bothered to read all the comments on my [rather old] post on asexuality she would have seen that I bear no one who identifies as asexual ill will, even if I do not necessarily see asexuals as a persecuted minority a la blacks or gays.] -- Dr. Bill

"sex isn't everything. LOVE is." Love is great. So is sex.

"also jesus christ himself was asexual. never had sex or kids." As for Jesus, he was also a Jew. Can you deal with that, or are you anti-Semitic as well as homophobic?

"same goes for enoch a human male." I think she's trying to say eunuch.This is a castrated male, not one who is [born] asexual.

"guess where both are right now? uh huh....in heaven alive well virgin." I think she means alive and well and still virgins.

"if anything..being gay is a disease....see how do you like that? get your facts right before putting down someone else!" Oh, yeah, like you have your facts right?

I'm tempted to just say" Oh, fuck you -- you  homophobic sexless bitch! I believe some people may be genuinely born asexual -- which is not an "orientation" -- but you are just a fucked-up, hung-up, frigid self-hating suppressed lesbian in denial."


But instead I'll just say: It's okay to be gay! 

In the meantime, I am immediately deleting any emails I get on this subject without reading them. I am a sexual being and I'm simply disinterested in the whole subject of asexuality. So don't bother sending me angry emails, they will simply be ignored. [And it goes without saying that I'm deleting/blocking any further emails from this particular correspondent and her friends, as well as giving their emails to my cop friend.] 

One last thing, which I just read on a website devoted to asexuality: "Asexuality as a subject is hard. It's even hard for us, so you can imagine how hard it is for someone who writes dozens of hour-long teleplays in a year. And the one thing that makes it so hard is the simple fact that it is a scientific fact that conditions that are similar to Asexuality can be caused by a myriad of medical or psychological problems. To deny it would be a great disservice to everyone." 

Well, there you have it. At least one asexual person is willing to admit that not everyone who thinks they're asexual is actually asexual [Now if we can only get bisexuals to do the same!]