I recently read that Dwight Eubanks, some sort of reality TV show star and an openly gay (not bisexual) man, is getting married to a woman. I know that self-hating closet cases often get married, but why would an openly gay man do the same thing? Curious Gay Guy.
"Marriages" like this are not real marriages -- they're two immature people playing house. In other words what we've got here is another case of: "Dizzy Queen Marries Woman For A Hoot." [For more information google "Liza Minelli."]
I have often commented on why "mixed marriages" don't work in any realistic fashion. While I can be sympathetic for women who unknowingly marry a homosexual man, I think a woman who undergoes a marriage with an openly gay guy is just asking for trouble. She's on the same level, as far as I'm concerned, as a woman who wants a romantic relationship with a guy serving a life sentence in prison. It has everything to do with desperation and nothing to do with reality of any kind.
I don't know Eubanks, but there are some things we have to remember. We tend to think that internalized homophobia only affects closeted gay men, but I have met many men who are basically out of the closet -- even out publicly -- and who are still dealing with issues of shame and guilt. Then we also have to remember that, sadly, many members of minorities blame their unhappiness not on the vicissitudes of fate or their own personality flaws, but on their being black or gay or what-have-you.
Here we have a gay man who has reached a certain age (in this case, 50) without a partner, and will probably say that he just wants companionship. So he's marrying a woman he feels a certain rapport with. There may be other factors. She may be after the indirect celebrity that comes from associating/marrying someone who is "famous" (admittedly only to those who bother to watch reality shows). There can also be financial motivations in mixed marriages. And loneliness can literally create strange bedfellows (although I seriously doubt if these two will have any kind of riveting sex life or any sex life at all -- with each other). Women who marry gay men are often dealing (or not dealing) with their own sexual identity issues, and there's almost always a conscious or sub-concious element of homophobia as well.
I have met a few openly gay (but rarely Out and Proud) men who marry woman late in life. One fellow told me it was about companionship, but he was also in the media, and I truly believe he was hoping he could fool the powers-that-be into thinking he was straight and taking him more seriously. I also believe there was a financial motive (and in this case the woman probably did not know he was gay, even though everyone else on the planet did. Or she was so desperate for a companion she didn't care.) The marriage, which lasted about two years, didn't have the desired effect, and the guy not only didn't go further in his career but got fired after many years of employment.
Eubanks has complained that he meets too many guys on the downlow and is sick of it. He blithely ignores the fact that there are a great many Out and Proud African-Americans.
It can be tough for anyone -- gay or straight -- to find "the one." But the search is made that much harder by those gay men who aren't fully accepting of themselves [regardless of how "out" they may be] or think of themselves as being unhappy being gay when their unhappiness is actually based on other factors-- it is easier to say your problem is being gay when the problem may actually be you and your character flaws. Often men like Eubanks drive potential mates away because their internalized homophobia prevents them from fully committing to a relationship with another male.
The truth is that a well-adjusted. proud gay man may have many loving friendships with women, but he'll have no desire to entire into a sham marriage with one of them. And a woman with healthy self-esteem and no hidden issues will allow a gay man to be gay and pursue a relationship with a man who can be totally "into" her.
A bigger truth is that if Dwight Eubanks ever does meet the man of his dreams -- and that man feels the same way about Eubanks -- the "wife" will be out of the picture before you can say Tom Robinson.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Hit On By Horny Hubby
I am a single gay man in my forties. A married couple I'll call "Dick and Jane" live on the same floor in my building. I am openly gay, so they both know all about me, and seem gay friendly. I got a certain "feeling" about Dick, who works at home (as I do) and seems to have one excuse after another to drop by my apartment virtually every afternoon, although lately I have taken to not answering the door. I am not interested in having sex with him or in getting into any kind of scene with this married closet queen, but I am convinced by his behavior, the way he looks at me, and many other things that he is attracted to me and is hoping to get it on. I am not at all into Woody Allen types (that's whom he resembles, only much younger), among other problems. It has reached the point where I'm almost ready to bar the door and tell his wife to put him on a leash! Buddy.
Does the wife look like Mia? How many kids have they adopted? Seriously, while it can be flattering to have someone kind of infatuated/hot for you, I don't think I would particularly care to have a married man who looks like Woody Allen ringing my door bell every afternoon either. [No offense to anyone who might look like Woody Allen. He's done all right for himself.]
I also say: Get right to the point. If you're absolutely convinced that this guy is sniffing around you in heat -- that he's not just a little lonely while (I assume) his wife is at the office -- then either never answer your door again or invite him in for some coffee and consolation. Tell him:
A.) You don't date married men.
B.) You don't date married men who look like Woody Allen. (Okay. Forget "B.")
C.) You don't date closet cases.
D.) You don't want to help him commit adultery.
E.) You'll have sex with him if he lets you have sex with his wife.
Okay -- I was so amused by your question that I'm getting a little silly. Here is my serious advice.
Definitely tell him that you think you know why he's coming around so often and (don't hurt his feelings) that you're extremely uncomfortable with the notion of fooling around with someone who's not only married but who lives down the hall with his wife. Jeez!
Ask him if he feels that he is or might be gay -- he might be a gay brother reaching out for understanding and striving for self-acceptance, and that may be why he's hanging around you -- an openly gay man -- so much. Tell him it's okay to be gay and recommend counseling at any gay center in your area. (And have him write Gay Dr. Bill. I'll set him "straight.")
If he's just a classic married homosexual or possibly bisexual who wants to cheat on his wife -- if he has zero gay identity and no interest in coming out -- tell him you'd rather he stay down on his end of the hall -- or you'll tell his wife to keep him on a fucking leash.
That oughta do it.
Does the wife look like Mia? How many kids have they adopted? Seriously, while it can be flattering to have someone kind of infatuated/hot for you, I don't think I would particularly care to have a married man who looks like Woody Allen ringing my door bell every afternoon either. [No offense to anyone who might look like Woody Allen. He's done all right for himself.]
I also say: Get right to the point. If you're absolutely convinced that this guy is sniffing around you in heat -- that he's not just a little lonely while (I assume) his wife is at the office -- then either never answer your door again or invite him in for some coffee and consolation. Tell him:
A.) You don't date married men.
B.) You don't date married men who look like Woody Allen. (Okay. Forget "B.")
C.) You don't date closet cases.
D.) You don't want to help him commit adultery.
E.) You'll have sex with him if he lets you have sex with his wife.
Okay -- I was so amused by your question that I'm getting a little silly. Here is my serious advice.
Definitely tell him that you think you know why he's coming around so often and (don't hurt his feelings) that you're extremely uncomfortable with the notion of fooling around with someone who's not only married but who lives down the hall with his wife. Jeez!
Ask him if he feels that he is or might be gay -- he might be a gay brother reaching out for understanding and striving for self-acceptance, and that may be why he's hanging around you -- an openly gay man -- so much. Tell him it's okay to be gay and recommend counseling at any gay center in your area. (And have him write Gay Dr. Bill. I'll set him "straight.")
If he's just a classic married homosexual or possibly bisexual who wants to cheat on his wife -- if he has zero gay identity and no interest in coming out -- tell him you'd rather he stay down on his end of the hall -- or you'll tell his wife to keep him on a fucking leash.
That oughta do it.
Boyfriend's Ex is Just Down the Hall
Help! My boyfriend's ex-lover has moved into the apartment down the hall. He claims this is completely coincidental, but I think it's a crock. They had a physically violent and dysfunctional relationship, and while I know my boyfriend is through with his ex, I just don't know what to expect from him next. I feel so uncomfortable having this psycho down the hall. Anon.
Well, nobody likes to have, as you put it, a psycho living down the hall. It does seem a little odd that your lover's ex should move into the same building, but it does happen on occasion. Are you afraid he'll be dropping by all the time? If that happens, you and your lover have to make it clear that the ex is not welcome. If you fear that he could actually be dangerous, then don't confront him or say something that will set him off. A cool, brisk, unfriendly but not hostile demeanor from the two of you may give him the message that neither you nor your lover want anything more to do with him. If he starts things up with you, looks like he's trying to start trouble, or starts to get violent, call the police and get a restraining order. Yes, this could be a sinister plot of his to make you and your lover's lives miserable, but it's also possible that he just found a reasonable rent and is just as unhappy living near you as you are living down the hall from him.
Well, nobody likes to have, as you put it, a psycho living down the hall. It does seem a little odd that your lover's ex should move into the same building, but it does happen on occasion. Are you afraid he'll be dropping by all the time? If that happens, you and your lover have to make it clear that the ex is not welcome. If you fear that he could actually be dangerous, then don't confront him or say something that will set him off. A cool, brisk, unfriendly but not hostile demeanor from the two of you may give him the message that neither you nor your lover want anything more to do with him. If he starts things up with you, looks like he's trying to start trouble, or starts to get violent, call the police and get a restraining order. Yes, this could be a sinister plot of his to make you and your lover's lives miserable, but it's also possible that he just found a reasonable rent and is just as unhappy living near you as you are living down the hall from him.
Gays and Religion
Because most religions have turned their backs on gay people and denounce them, are most gay people atheists? Anon.
No. As I've said many times, the gay community is a very diverse community. Some gay people are religious and others are not. Certainly there are gays and lesbians who were religious in youth and became less religious as they got older, sometimes because -- as you put it -- the doctrines of their religion were anti-gay. Undoubtedly there are gays and lesbians who are agnostic or atheistic for reasons that may have nothing to do with their sexual orientation.
There are religions which are not homophobic, as well as groups for gay members of religious groups that are homophobic. Dignity, a group for gay Catholics -- the Catholic Church is virulently homophobic -- has been around for many years. And there are churches specifically created to be welcoming to gays.
Interestingly enough, religious attitudes are not the only causes of homophobia. There have been atheists and agnostics who are anti-gay, although the most vehemently homophobic groups and individuals seem to come from the religious sector.
Since religious attitudes can influence people, many gay activists feel it would be a good thing to work within religious groups to broaden their perspective on homosexuality. Other activists feel that religious attitudes and the homophobia that often goes with them, should be completely rejected.
It's your call.
No. As I've said many times, the gay community is a very diverse community. Some gay people are religious and others are not. Certainly there are gays and lesbians who were religious in youth and became less religious as they got older, sometimes because -- as you put it -- the doctrines of their religion were anti-gay. Undoubtedly there are gays and lesbians who are agnostic or atheistic for reasons that may have nothing to do with their sexual orientation.
There are religions which are not homophobic, as well as groups for gay members of religious groups that are homophobic. Dignity, a group for gay Catholics -- the Catholic Church is virulently homophobic -- has been around for many years. And there are churches specifically created to be welcoming to gays.
Interestingly enough, religious attitudes are not the only causes of homophobia. There have been atheists and agnostics who are anti-gay, although the most vehemently homophobic groups and individuals seem to come from the religious sector.
Since religious attitudes can influence people, many gay activists feel it would be a good thing to work within religious groups to broaden their perspective on homosexuality. Other activists feel that religious attitudes and the homophobia that often goes with them, should be completely rejected.
It's your call.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Gay Men and Divas
Why do gay men have a fascination with divas, actresses, Bette Davis, Madonna, and the like? Is it because they want to be them? Anon.
First of all, whenever you talk about gay men, the word "some" should always be used as a prefix. Some gay men may have a fascination with certain, as you call them, divas or movie stars, but certainly not all or even most. These gay men tend to be the more flamboyant members of the community.
Second, Gay men are men; they have no desire to be women. You're confusing homosexuals with transsexuals, or at least you're confusing the average gay man with a drag queen (or gay transvestite). Most gay men are not drag queens and have no interest in dressing up or posing as a member of the opposite sex. There are drag queens (as well as heterosexual transvestites or female impersonators) who dress up as famous women either as part of their act if they're entertainers, or as a homage to someone they are a fan of.
Lastly, both Madonna and Bette Davis have heterosexual fans.
There are many, many gay men who not only have no fascination with divas, but -- believe it or not -- no particular interest in any aspect of show biz. There are gay men who like sports, camping, back-packing, computers, hardware, electronics, hunting etc. etc.
Let's get past the stereotypes. We are a very diverse bunch of fellows.
First of all, whenever you talk about gay men, the word "some" should always be used as a prefix. Some gay men may have a fascination with certain, as you call them, divas or movie stars, but certainly not all or even most. These gay men tend to be the more flamboyant members of the community.
Second, Gay men are men; they have no desire to be women. You're confusing homosexuals with transsexuals, or at least you're confusing the average gay man with a drag queen (or gay transvestite). Most gay men are not drag queens and have no interest in dressing up or posing as a member of the opposite sex. There are drag queens (as well as heterosexual transvestites or female impersonators) who dress up as famous women either as part of their act if they're entertainers, or as a homage to someone they are a fan of.
Lastly, both Madonna and Bette Davis have heterosexual fans.
There are many, many gay men who not only have no fascination with divas, but -- believe it or not -- no particular interest in any aspect of show biz. There are gay men who like sports, camping, back-packing, computers, hardware, electronics, hunting etc. etc.
Let's get past the stereotypes. We are a very diverse bunch of fellows.
Mixed Marriages
Can a marriage between a straight woman and a gay man ever work? Anon.
Well, that depends on what you mean by "work" but in general the answer is no.
First of all, there is little point in a marriage between a gay person and a straight one, especially now that we're slowly but surely heading in the direction of full marriage equality.
Mixed gay-straight marriages can last for decades, if you call that "working," but I know of a lot of straight-straight marriages that last for decades with both of the spouses being miserable. So what's the point of a mixed marriage where you're already starting out with one very major strike against you?
Mixed marriages are often marriages of convenience, opportunity, and so on, but most often they are about a gay person's not being able to accept himself fully. By now we should be way past the days where some women married gay men in the hopes that they would "change" -- it just doesn't work that way. Many gay men in these kind of phony marriages are only technically bisexual -- they sleep with women (with varying degrees of success and interest), but their true passion is for men, whom they generally fantasize about during the sex act with their wives. It's a life of denial and/or sneaking around for the homosexual hubby, and who would wish that on anybody? In the meantime the wife has a husband who can never fully be hers -- and that's not a healthy situation, either.
The straight spouse sometimes senses something is ...missing... but she's not certain what it is until afterward when the truth comes out and it all seems clear. The straight spouse is often left alone and devastated while the newly out of the closet gay spouse goes off with the new boyfriend.
Sometimes the two parties in a mixed marriage can become best friends, and support one another emotionally, but always there's that secret part that is not shared. Even when it becomes an open secret, there's still a wide gap between these two individuals -- the gay spouse has never found himself or allowed himself (or been allowed) to fully bloom.
Heterosexual couples also can fall back on friendship when the romance is over and passion is spent (presuming it was there to begin with). But why settle for friendship when one could have a relationship that offers everything, including true passion and romance?
In other words, our spouses should become our best friends (and a lot more) but that doesn't mean that you should marry your best friend if he's gay and you're straight.
Mixed marriages may last for decades, but that doesn't mean that they are "working" in any real sense of the word. Gay relationships are not inferior to straight ones, and a gay person who is fully accepting of himself can only be truly happy with a member of his own sex. Self-hating, ashamed homosexuals may at first feel secure and happy in a "heterosexual" relationship, but this doesn't last long as they realize their homosexual feelings will not just disappear, and especially if they come to recognize that they have an aching need to be with a member of their own sex.
So my answer is: to all intents and purposes, gay-straight marriages do not work.
Well, that depends on what you mean by "work" but in general the answer is no.
First of all, there is little point in a marriage between a gay person and a straight one, especially now that we're slowly but surely heading in the direction of full marriage equality.
Mixed gay-straight marriages can last for decades, if you call that "working," but I know of a lot of straight-straight marriages that last for decades with both of the spouses being miserable. So what's the point of a mixed marriage where you're already starting out with one very major strike against you?
Mixed marriages are often marriages of convenience, opportunity, and so on, but most often they are about a gay person's not being able to accept himself fully. By now we should be way past the days where some women married gay men in the hopes that they would "change" -- it just doesn't work that way. Many gay men in these kind of phony marriages are only technically bisexual -- they sleep with women (with varying degrees of success and interest), but their true passion is for men, whom they generally fantasize about during the sex act with their wives. It's a life of denial and/or sneaking around for the homosexual hubby, and who would wish that on anybody? In the meantime the wife has a husband who can never fully be hers -- and that's not a healthy situation, either.
The straight spouse sometimes senses something is ...missing... but she's not certain what it is until afterward when the truth comes out and it all seems clear. The straight spouse is often left alone and devastated while the newly out of the closet gay spouse goes off with the new boyfriend.
Sometimes the two parties in a mixed marriage can become best friends, and support one another emotionally, but always there's that secret part that is not shared. Even when it becomes an open secret, there's still a wide gap between these two individuals -- the gay spouse has never found himself or allowed himself (or been allowed) to fully bloom.
Heterosexual couples also can fall back on friendship when the romance is over and passion is spent (presuming it was there to begin with). But why settle for friendship when one could have a relationship that offers everything, including true passion and romance?
In other words, our spouses should become our best friends (and a lot more) but that doesn't mean that you should marry your best friend if he's gay and you're straight.
Mixed marriages may last for decades, but that doesn't mean that they are "working" in any real sense of the word. Gay relationships are not inferior to straight ones, and a gay person who is fully accepting of himself can only be truly happy with a member of his own sex. Self-hating, ashamed homosexuals may at first feel secure and happy in a "heterosexual" relationship, but this doesn't last long as they realize their homosexual feelings will not just disappear, and especially if they come to recognize that they have an aching need to be with a member of their own sex.
So my answer is: to all intents and purposes, gay-straight marriages do not work.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Gay Man, Straight Fetish
Is it possible for a gay man to have heterosexual fetishes? I am totally gay but I sometimes get a kick out of fooling around with certain kinds of women -- bosomy, blowzy, over made-up, slightly seedy but fun gals who are a certain age. I'm not bisexual; I have absolutely no interest in having sex with these women, but I don't mind getting hugs and lipsticky kisses from them -- I can find this arousing to a point but all it makes me want to do is ultimately find a guy to have sex with. I have no problem with this, I just wonder what's up? Anon.
I think you've just answered your own question. Something about women of the type you mention arouses some fetishistic interest in you for reasons that may be lost in the long-ago past. It doesn't mean you're straight or bisexual. Besides, being gay doesn't mean we find women repulsive, or can't even on occasion enjoy a kiss from a female. As long as you're not confusing this mild [sex for sex's sake] arousal of a certain kind with full-fledged sexual interest -- and especially if you're not leading these women on with expectations of a relationship -- I don't see any problem with it.
It can create an odd situation if an essentially gay man is turned on by something that is generally associated with women, or with some interaction with the opposite sex. Some men in this situation interact with drag queens [or are drag queens] instead of with women, so that they can do a gay spin on whatever "straight" kink it is that turns them on.
Now if you're spending too much time out on the hunt for women like this instead of interacting with the men you truly desire, it may be a problem. Fetishes and kinks are supposed to add spice to our sex lives (or at least our fantasies) not overtake them to such a point that they dominate our sexuality. If you find this is happening to you, you could always consider speaking to a therapist to find out where this fetish originates and what if anything you can do to suppress it, if such becomes necessary.
But it sounds to me like this is pretty harmless. Some guys conflicted with their sexuality may cling to a fetish like this to supposedly prove that they're straight, but it sounds as if you know better than that.
At least getting a lipstick kiss from a "blowzy" older woman is totally safe sex -- unless you've got a jealous boyfriend!
I think you've just answered your own question. Something about women of the type you mention arouses some fetishistic interest in you for reasons that may be lost in the long-ago past. It doesn't mean you're straight or bisexual. Besides, being gay doesn't mean we find women repulsive, or can't even on occasion enjoy a kiss from a female. As long as you're not confusing this mild [sex for sex's sake] arousal of a certain kind with full-fledged sexual interest -- and especially if you're not leading these women on with expectations of a relationship -- I don't see any problem with it.
It can create an odd situation if an essentially gay man is turned on by something that is generally associated with women, or with some interaction with the opposite sex. Some men in this situation interact with drag queens [or are drag queens] instead of with women, so that they can do a gay spin on whatever "straight" kink it is that turns them on.
Now if you're spending too much time out on the hunt for women like this instead of interacting with the men you truly desire, it may be a problem. Fetishes and kinks are supposed to add spice to our sex lives (or at least our fantasies) not overtake them to such a point that they dominate our sexuality. If you find this is happening to you, you could always consider speaking to a therapist to find out where this fetish originates and what if anything you can do to suppress it, if such becomes necessary.
But it sounds to me like this is pretty harmless. Some guys conflicted with their sexuality may cling to a fetish like this to supposedly prove that they're straight, but it sounds as if you know better than that.
At least getting a lipstick kiss from a "blowzy" older woman is totally safe sex -- unless you've got a jealous boyfriend!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Getting Quality Time
Your recent post concerning a guy whose lover wanted to party too much rang a bell with me. I am dating a guy who -- while we have good sex -- doesn't seem to want to be alone with me on other occasions. I like this guy very much and I like to spend quality time with him -- talk, watch a movie together etc. -- but he always wants to go out to a club or bar or party. He's very attentive once we get there, I can't complain on that score. But I can't figure out if it's me or if it's him or what. Any advice you could give me would be appreciated. By the way, we are not kids -- we are both in our forties. S.
From what you say it doesn't sound as if he's trying to get away from you. It's a very positive sign that he stays by your side when the two of you go out to a bar or party and that he's not off cruising other guys and ignoring you. He obviously enjoys your company. It's probably just that he's one of those people who really loves to be in the midst of a happy, partying throng. Some guys love going to bars and parties all the time -- socializing is their favorite (second favorite?) sport-- and it has nothing to do with how old they are. A guy who loves bar-hopping and partying at 25 will probably feel the same at 55 and older.
The trouble happens when these guys hook up with guys who are essentially homebodies. There's nothing wrong with that, but it can cause friction when one guy wants to stay home and snuggle in front of the TV every night and his boyfriend wants to party hearty all the time.
Another, less positive possibility is that maybe he feels that the two of you -- once the great sex is over -- don't have a lot to talk about so he likes to be in a crowd when he's with you. And you're probably thinking that the two of you won't ever find out how much you may have to talk about if you're never alone to have a one-on-one conversation.
Bring this up to him in a pleasant, non-judgmental manner. Never tell him that he's too old to go out and have fun because a.) that's not true at any age and b.) it's the quickest way to turn him off both in and out of the bedroom.
There is this feeling that we're all supposed to sit home all the time once we reach a "certain" age -- whatever that may be -- but that's never made any sense to me. On the other hand, I can also understand how a man in his forties is ready (and probably has been ready for some time, eh?) to settle down. He wants, as you put it, to not only have quality time with his man but to have his man desire the same thing.
Relationships are all about compromise. Be glad you've got a live wire and not someone you have to talk into going out. Am I wrong that you have a good time yourself, especially with this guy at your side?
In other words, go out, have fun, have great sex when you get home, and in the late morning go to brunch at a place where you're unlikely to run into friends.
And talk.
Even party boys like to stay home now and then and cuddle on the sofa in front of a good movie.
Suggest taking some trips (not to places like Provincetown or other party cities!) to scenic areas -- maybe camping or a trip to a lonely beach. Even a trip to the zoo or the aquarium (without friends along) might give you some time alone with the guy. In between looking at the seals, washing sand out of your toes, or folding up your (one) sleeping bag you might discover wonderful new things about each other.
The two of you are only in the dating stage; I sense no commitment has been made on either side. But that may change in the future. Good Luck, baby!
From what you say it doesn't sound as if he's trying to get away from you. It's a very positive sign that he stays by your side when the two of you go out to a bar or party and that he's not off cruising other guys and ignoring you. He obviously enjoys your company. It's probably just that he's one of those people who really loves to be in the midst of a happy, partying throng. Some guys love going to bars and parties all the time -- socializing is their favorite (second favorite?) sport-- and it has nothing to do with how old they are. A guy who loves bar-hopping and partying at 25 will probably feel the same at 55 and older.
The trouble happens when these guys hook up with guys who are essentially homebodies. There's nothing wrong with that, but it can cause friction when one guy wants to stay home and snuggle in front of the TV every night and his boyfriend wants to party hearty all the time.
Another, less positive possibility is that maybe he feels that the two of you -- once the great sex is over -- don't have a lot to talk about so he likes to be in a crowd when he's with you. And you're probably thinking that the two of you won't ever find out how much you may have to talk about if you're never alone to have a one-on-one conversation.
Bring this up to him in a pleasant, non-judgmental manner. Never tell him that he's too old to go out and have fun because a.) that's not true at any age and b.) it's the quickest way to turn him off both in and out of the bedroom.
There is this feeling that we're all supposed to sit home all the time once we reach a "certain" age -- whatever that may be -- but that's never made any sense to me. On the other hand, I can also understand how a man in his forties is ready (and probably has been ready for some time, eh?) to settle down. He wants, as you put it, to not only have quality time with his man but to have his man desire the same thing.
Relationships are all about compromise. Be glad you've got a live wire and not someone you have to talk into going out. Am I wrong that you have a good time yourself, especially with this guy at your side?
In other words, go out, have fun, have great sex when you get home, and in the late morning go to brunch at a place where you're unlikely to run into friends.
And talk.
Even party boys like to stay home now and then and cuddle on the sofa in front of a good movie.
Suggest taking some trips (not to places like Provincetown or other party cities!) to scenic areas -- maybe camping or a trip to a lonely beach. Even a trip to the zoo or the aquarium (without friends along) might give you some time alone with the guy. In between looking at the seals, washing sand out of your toes, or folding up your (one) sleeping bag you might discover wonderful new things about each other.
The two of you are only in the dating stage; I sense no commitment has been made on either side. But that may change in the future. Good Luck, baby!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Boyfriend Parties Too Heartily?
My boyfriend (of one year) and I just spent the weekend together. On Saturday nite we went to a bear party. This was my very first one. I have been out for the past three years. I come from an extremely religious family (pentecostal) where being gay is just as bad as being a murderer. I love my boyfriend, he means the world to me. About three hours into this party I felt overwhelmed with things that were going on, for example all the sex in the bathroom etc. etc. etc. I wanted to go back to our room so he took me then asked if I was alright with him going back. I said yes go have fun. I felt stupid and angry at myself for not staying. I have in this past year left one other event where I felt this same way. Two questions: how do I get used to the varied atmospheres of events? Is it possible to get around my background and just enjoy? Ok three questions: early Sunday morning I find out my boyfriend got a bj after he went back to the party . . .it is or I thought it was/is a committed relationship between us. I'm feeling hurt by what he let happen but I also feel like I caused it. Now he says I need to be able to handle such events and just relax or it is quite possible our relationship might end. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. T.
Sometimes a gay party turns into an orgy [ditto for straight parties naturally]. Regardless of their backgrounds some people feel comfortable with this and some people don't. I have seen two lovers happily pursue guys at parties, even have sex with them, and nobody gets upset because they realize it's just sex, it has nothing to do with the way both men feel about each other. Still, not every guy is comfortable in this situation. I think your boyfriend is telling you the blow job was no big deal, that it has nothing to do with his feelings for you, but you are not the only man who feels uneasy with this. It may not necessarily have anything to do with your religious background, either. Some people, regardless of sex or sexual orientation, are only comfortable with a strictly monogamous relationship --and that includes no blow jobs at parties -- and others are a little more flexible. There's no right or wrong; it depends on the individual.
Your boyfriend might be suggesting that he wants an open relationship, and he's implying that he'll end things if you don't agree to go along with that. I have no problem with open relationships if a.) both parties agree to it beforehand and b.) both parties scrupulously stick to safe sex and get tested for STDs on a regular basis. It sounds to me as if you and your boyfriend never had this discussion, or at least that he perhaps takes your relationship a bit more casually than you do. This is something you need to sit down and talk with him about. You both need to define your relationship and set boundaries, if any.
Frankly, if your boyfriend is going to limit his extra-curricular activities to getting the occasional blow job at a party [as opposed to going out regularly hunting for one-night-stands] then maybe you should cut him some slack. I use the term "orgy," but that, of course, is an overstatement if we're just talking about a couple of party guests, ahem, going into the bathroom in twos for a little fooling around. Still, your partner has to be more sensitive to the fact that your relationship is still very new, and you'd rather not have him spreading himself around.
Can you get past any religious hang ups you may have at being gay? Definitely. If religion is important to you find a group or Church that isn't homophobic and is welcoming to gays. Remember, the negative attitudes that you've been fed are based on ignorance.
Whether you'll ever feel comfortable with the wilder gay parties is another story, however. As I say, it may not have much to do with your background. Right now you want badly to feel that you're part of a loving couple, and you want your boyfriend to feel the same way, and parties or events where casual sex with third parties is part of the program is clearly not something that appeals to you, and possibly never will.
Discuss all this with your boyfriend in a non-judgmental way. There is no right or wrong, but you both need to at least reach some sort of compromise. Neither of you should throw away a relationship over what is probably an inconsequential blow job at a party, but you have every right to discuss your feelings about it with the man in your life.
We all have the right to set limits in our own lives, and to feel uncomfortable in certain situations. I know men who leave parties when things get a little too sexy, not because they're prudes, but because they're just not comfortable with the whole situation. They prefer making love in a bed with someone they care about; not grasping at drunken strangers and vice versa.
[While I have no problem with grasping at drunken strangers, I personally would rather not have an audience if I'm engaging in sexual activity, while other guys feel just the opposite. I don't necessarily mind if someone pulls out a joint -- I mean, a reefer, marijuana -- but heavy drug use is a complete turn-off to me and I would probably not stick around in such a scenario.]
Different strokes for different folks.
Talk to your boyfriend. You may find that you can work this out more easily than you imagine. Best of Luck! Let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Sometimes a gay party turns into an orgy [ditto for straight parties naturally]. Regardless of their backgrounds some people feel comfortable with this and some people don't. I have seen two lovers happily pursue guys at parties, even have sex with them, and nobody gets upset because they realize it's just sex, it has nothing to do with the way both men feel about each other. Still, not every guy is comfortable in this situation. I think your boyfriend is telling you the blow job was no big deal, that it has nothing to do with his feelings for you, but you are not the only man who feels uneasy with this. It may not necessarily have anything to do with your religious background, either. Some people, regardless of sex or sexual orientation, are only comfortable with a strictly monogamous relationship --and that includes no blow jobs at parties -- and others are a little more flexible. There's no right or wrong; it depends on the individual.
Your boyfriend might be suggesting that he wants an open relationship, and he's implying that he'll end things if you don't agree to go along with that. I have no problem with open relationships if a.) both parties agree to it beforehand and b.) both parties scrupulously stick to safe sex and get tested for STDs on a regular basis. It sounds to me as if you and your boyfriend never had this discussion, or at least that he perhaps takes your relationship a bit more casually than you do. This is something you need to sit down and talk with him about. You both need to define your relationship and set boundaries, if any.
Frankly, if your boyfriend is going to limit his extra-curricular activities to getting the occasional blow job at a party [as opposed to going out regularly hunting for one-night-stands] then maybe you should cut him some slack. I use the term "orgy," but that, of course, is an overstatement if we're just talking about a couple of party guests, ahem, going into the bathroom in twos for a little fooling around. Still, your partner has to be more sensitive to the fact that your relationship is still very new, and you'd rather not have him spreading himself around.
Can you get past any religious hang ups you may have at being gay? Definitely. If religion is important to you find a group or Church that isn't homophobic and is welcoming to gays. Remember, the negative attitudes that you've been fed are based on ignorance.
Whether you'll ever feel comfortable with the wilder gay parties is another story, however. As I say, it may not have much to do with your background. Right now you want badly to feel that you're part of a loving couple, and you want your boyfriend to feel the same way, and parties or events where casual sex with third parties is part of the program is clearly not something that appeals to you, and possibly never will.
Discuss all this with your boyfriend in a non-judgmental way. There is no right or wrong, but you both need to at least reach some sort of compromise. Neither of you should throw away a relationship over what is probably an inconsequential blow job at a party, but you have every right to discuss your feelings about it with the man in your life.
We all have the right to set limits in our own lives, and to feel uncomfortable in certain situations. I know men who leave parties when things get a little too sexy, not because they're prudes, but because they're just not comfortable with the whole situation. They prefer making love in a bed with someone they care about; not grasping at drunken strangers and vice versa.
[While I have no problem with grasping at drunken strangers, I personally would rather not have an audience if I'm engaging in sexual activity, while other guys feel just the opposite. I don't necessarily mind if someone pulls out a joint -- I mean, a reefer, marijuana -- but heavy drug use is a complete turn-off to me and I would probably not stick around in such a scenario.]
Different strokes for different folks.
Talk to your boyfriend. You may find that you can work this out more easily than you imagine. Best of Luck! Let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Gay Nephew Coming Out to Girlfriend
My nephew has realized that he's gay and wants to come out to his girlfriend. Any suggestions? TP.
Well, he could always take her to a gay bar and start making out with the bartender.
Seriously, there's only one way to do this and that's for him to sit her down and have a talk with her. I don't know how long they've been dating or how much she's into your nephew, but this is not something that he should postpone. It may be that the girlfriend will say that she already suspected, or she may be completely surprised. [Which happens more than people imagine. Women frequently say "I would know" but they base this assertion on stereotypes, and most gay men don't conform to them.] Your nephew may be able to turn what was once a potentially romantic relationship -- at least as far as the girlfriend is concerned -- into a solid friendship. Or the girlfriend may have to avoid your nephew in order to get over him.
In any case, it wouldn't be fair for him to string her along. Sadly, some gay guys -- especially those who are struggling to come out or are fresh out of the closet --sort of hold onto the girlfriend until they're comfortable enough with their sexuality to come out to everyone. This is especially true if the guy is very close to the girlfriend; she's his best friend. Meanwhile the girlfriend is making plans for the wedding!
As soon as a guy comes to the incontrovertible conclusion that he's homosexual, it's time to tell the girlfriend that their relationship has to end -- or metamorphose into something entirely different.
Well, he could always take her to a gay bar and start making out with the bartender.
Seriously, there's only one way to do this and that's for him to sit her down and have a talk with her. I don't know how long they've been dating or how much she's into your nephew, but this is not something that he should postpone. It may be that the girlfriend will say that she already suspected, or she may be completely surprised. [Which happens more than people imagine. Women frequently say "I would know" but they base this assertion on stereotypes, and most gay men don't conform to them.] Your nephew may be able to turn what was once a potentially romantic relationship -- at least as far as the girlfriend is concerned -- into a solid friendship. Or the girlfriend may have to avoid your nephew in order to get over him.
In any case, it wouldn't be fair for him to string her along. Sadly, some gay guys -- especially those who are struggling to come out or are fresh out of the closet --sort of hold onto the girlfriend until they're comfortable enough with their sexuality to come out to everyone. This is especially true if the guy is very close to the girlfriend; she's his best friend. Meanwhile the girlfriend is making plans for the wedding!
As soon as a guy comes to the incontrovertible conclusion that he's homosexual, it's time to tell the girlfriend that their relationship has to end -- or metamorphose into something entirely different.
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