BILL'S MEDIA WATCH: Stormwatch

Stormwatch is a comic book from DC Comics that features two prominent gay characters: blond, super-strong Apollo, and the leather-clad, dangerous, somewhat-psycho Midnighter. These two characters have actually been around for quite awhile, and they originally appeared as a gay couple with an adopted baby daughter in a series called The Authority, first published by Wildstorm [an imprint of DC Comics] in 1999 and written by Warren Ellis. [DC also briefly published a Midnighter series.] When DC decided to reboot its entire line of comics last year from Superman on down, the new Stormwatch book incorporated these two characters, erased their long history with the Authority, but kept them gay and attracted to each other. When I read that an amazon-like heroine was going to come between them in issue 18, I was afraid it would be some kind of cliched nonsense about a gay man and a straight woman fighting over the same allegedly bisexual guy [a la that crappy play Cock], but it was more about the hunky if naive and insecure Apollo's paranoia than anything else -- although how he could believe even for a second that Midnighter could be straight after all the flirting going on between the two is beyond me. Anyway, they share a hot kiss [see scan] at the end of the issue. It will be interesting to see how their romance plays out in the stories ahead. Stormwatch 18 was written by Peter Milligan and very well drawn by Will Conrad. Early issues of the comic have been somewhat confusing, but maybe Milligan will -- pardon me -- straighten it all out -- but not Apollo and Midnighter, please!

Who's the Butcher?

Do bisexual men, I mean men who may at one time have been married and had children, tend to be less stereotypical and more masculine than men who are strictly gay and have never been with women?

First, just because a man has been married [to a woman] had sex with women, or fathered children in the biological way doesn't necessarily make him genuinely bisexual -- but that's for another post.

Most, but certainly not all, gay men do a little experimenting in their younger days, some fooling around with the opposite sex, until they get it on with a guy and realize they've found what they're really looking for, and most have little interest in pursuing heterosexual relationships after that or toying with women's affections. Whether a man is stereotypically gay or not has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of experience he's had with women. I've met very masculine guys who've never had sex with a female, and very effeminate men who not only sleep with both men and women [without necessarily being bisexual] but have gotten married and fathered children. I'll never forget a party I went to one summer when there was a guy swishing around the room proudly showing off his wife and their new baby. If there are macho gay guys there are also effeminate straight guys, but somehow I didn't get the impression this fellow was especially straight.

I discovered over many years that the more you try to pigeonhole and stereotype the members of the gay and related communities, the more your expectations -- if your eyes are really open -- will be confounded.

Gay Porn on the Computer

Hi Bill, I am worrying myself for days since I found some links to a gay porn site on my and my boyfriend's computer. We have been living together for half a year and we are in a relationship for almost five years. I have never noticed he's into men in the past. However, we haven't had sex properly in so long that I don't even remember for how long. I suspected that he is cheating on me with another woman because he is chatting with a lot of girls on his facebook profile. A few days ago I even tried to talk with him about our problem and asked him if he is gay. He replied negatively and said that we both caused the situation we are in and have to work on it in the future. I was afraid to bring up the porn site. Today I saw that he went to that site again and I asked if he was watching it. He smiled at me and said no. I noticed he's visiting that site for a few months and has a username, " ----"  that makes me think he's confused about his sexual orientation. However, every time he visited the gay site he also visited heterosexual sites. I really need some help cause I don't know how to talk to him about that.

Well there are people that will tell you that straight guys have various reasons for looking at gay porn, but the number one reason is that they aren't straight. If he has some legitimate reason for looking at gay porn, why doesn't he discuss it openly with you? I also suspect that what you refer to as a porn site is actually a gay dating site with sexy and naked pictures of men on it. If he has registered on that site and has a user name it is probably because he wants to hook up with guys for sex, the chief purpose of those sites. 

You need to confront him on this issue in a non-accusatory and non-judgmental way. He may be going back and forth from gay and straight sites to try to convince himself he isn't gay, he could be bisexual [or at least thinks he is, but remember that most bi guys have a preference and it generally isn't women], or he's simply attracted to men but has ambivalent feelings about it. Does he come from a liberal background or a conservative one? How does he feel about gay people?

I suggest you tell him that you have a friend who is afraid her boyfriend is gay. This will start a discussion without necessarily focusing on him. Or at least talk about gay marriage, a hot topic, and see what his reaction is. There are men who are secretly homosexual, who seek out male sex partners, but who are so ashamed of it that they become quite homophobic and speak out against gay people in strongly negative terms, and that's usually a red flag. So is looking at gay porn and signing up with gay sex/dating sites. And so is not having any sex with your girlfriend for a long, long time. 

Some men in this position think that they aren't cheating on their wives or girlfriends if their sex partners are male, but of course that isn't the case. You also have to be concerned about whether or not he is using condoms during his possible past or future sex hook ups.

There is a strong possibility that your boyfriend is trying to come to terms with his homosexuality, and may even be struggling to come out or find some way to talk to you about it. You can help if you can get him to open up while being sympathetic.

His coming out will probably mean the end of your relationship, but at least you'll know what's up, and in the long run both of you will be better off for it, although it may not seem that way right now.

Changes A-Comin'

Shortly there will be some changes made to the ASK GAY DR. BILL  blog. The focus will still be on answering questions about gay life, but I will also include occasional think pieces and "Media Watch" posts about gay images on TV, in films, in fiction and in theater, as well as reviews of books of interest. My brother blog, "JATGAB" which I've been doing even longer than this blog, will be incorporated into Ask Gay Dr. Bill, making it much, much easier to keep things updated.

Thanks for reading! There's a lot of good stuff to come.

Gay -- or Commitment Phobic?

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost two years.  When we began dating he knew that I had two children, and he was very happy being in their lives. After a year and a half he decided he wanted to move in with me and my children and everything seemed to be fine however, during the last month of our relationship when he got drunk and he and I would have sex he’d ask me to stick my finger in his anus and he would only ask when he was drunk. Because when he was sober he said he was too embarrassed to talk about it. Now his best friend became single and he began hanging out with his best friend and one day he came home to tell me that he was having doubts about him, not me. I asked him if he was confused about his sexuality; he said no. When he left he told me he couldn't see me for a while because if he did he knew he would want to come back home and stay with me. Now him and his best friend are always together and are always hanging out, and they cannot be separated. He has no children and when he left he said he wasn’t sure if he wanted children or a family. So I decided to shut him out completely and when I did he said “I need you in my life, you're more than an ex-girlfriend; If I ever date again which I don’t think I will I believe I will be a lonely old man, I will always need you in my life" and now to make matters worse he feels the need to play a stepfather role in my children’s lives but he never speaks about us getting back together. We email and text a lot and he seems to be hanging on to what I don't know.

Well, to be honest, there's not a lot to go on here when it comes to the question of your ex-boyfriend's sexuality. Yes, most straight men [and a lot of gay men] don't want a finger up their anus, but that isn't a definite indication of homosexuality. Neither is his hanging out with his best friend all the time -- straight guys often do hang out with their buddies, it just depends on exactly what they're doing together ... If you had actually caught him in bed with a guy, looking at gay porn, or something. From what you say he might be a gay man struggling with his sexuality, trying to come to terms with an attraction for men while striving to be "straight" with a woman who is not quite a girlfriend anymore. He obviously feels or needs some connection to you. But it's also a possibility that he cares about you but isn't ready for a full commitment or long-term relationship. In other words, commitment-phobia.

I recognize that you feel as if you're in limbo. You have strong feelings for this man but he's sending all kinds of mixed messages. He wants to keep you as a friend but I suspect it would be too painful and disorienting for you to do the same as far as he is concerned, especially as you want him to be the main man in your life. Sit him down or email him and tell him all this, let out all of your feelings. In a non-judgmental way ask him again about his sexuality. Does he never want to date again or does he never want to date women? If he can't or refuses to give you some satisfactory answers to these questions, I would tell him that your door is closed and move on! Best, Bill

Boyfriend Likes to Look at Naked Men

Hello,
I'm glad I found this blog post. After being with him for two years and knowing him for seven, my boyfriend confessed that he used to look at "naked men" online daily for years. He said that he wanted to stop but it was like an addiction, but he hadn't done it for almost a year and didn't miss it, and felt he needed to tell me and come clean. He cried when he told me and it seemed like he had a lot of guilt about it. I'm not sure what this means and even why he told me. When he told me I was shocked and told him it was ok with me, as long as he didn't do it anymore, but was too surprised to say anything else then. I've been too afraid to ask him more about it and it's been more than a year so I don't know how to bring it up again. I guess I don't care if he's bi as long as he's attracted to me, too! Haha. He has many close girl friends and hardly any guy friends (I'm not sure if this is a factor but it's something I've always wondered about also). He's never been with a guy or a girl, so what if he doesn't even know? 

I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but guys who look at naked men online [unless he's, say, seeing how he stacks up in the penis size department as compared to other men and even then I might wonder -- I mean how many photos do you have to look at?] and have been doing it for years are undoubtedly attracted to men. His crying and his guilt feelings indicate that he is deeply ashamed of it as well. There's nothing wrong in being gay, but there is something wrong in someone being closeted and ashamed in this more enlightened day and age. A person doesn't have to sleep with a man or a woman to pretty much know, even if he or she is in denial, which sex one is attracted to. As for bisexuality, men who identify as bisexual in most cases tend to prefer men but may have relationships with women because of their internalized homophobia [their self-hatred over being attracted to men]. Apparently the two of you have not slept together, perhaps for religious reasons or you're saving yourselves for marriage? A man who may be essentially homosexual is sort of off the hook in this kind of arrangement [although there are plenty of gay men who can successfully sleep with and impregnate women].

It sounds to me as if you've been given a pretty clear warning. A lot of women have boyfriends and even long-term husbands who turn out to be gay without their having any prior knowledge of it, and it's devastating for them when they find out. To know in advance can be a blessing in disguise. It's hard to let go of somebody that you love, but in my opinion "mixed" marriages between homosexual men and heterosexual women are unfair to both parties and only lead to a lot of heartbreak.

Transgender Friend?

Dear Bill:

A strange question: I have a friend whom I've known for about four years. He is a man, but I have a fairly strong idea that he might be transgender. He's a great person and I value the friendship very much, so I don't want to rock the boat, but he has never brought up the subject that he hasn't always been a man.

I wouldn't say it's vital for me to know for sure...I would definitely want him as a friend, regardless. I'm gay but romantic considerations aren't really a factor here...he has a girlfriend and is thinking of marriage. It's just that I'm curious, it seems to be limiting the conversation -- there is an invisible elephant in the room that neither of us is talking about.

Should I just wait for him to bring it up? Clearly, I can't just say, "You're transgender, aren't you?" It would be amazingly awkward, even more so if I'm wrong.

It's understandable that you're curious about this situation but you're right that it would be awkward -- and worse if he's not transgender. If he is a Trans Man he may be thinking or hoping that he completely "passes" so you'd also risk shattering his illusions or confidence. I would wait until he brings it up, which he may eventually do as you grow closer as friends. Does he know that you're gay? If not, coming out would be a start -- you're both members of the LGBT community even if he isn't gay apparently. Have you met the woman he's going to marry? She may turn out to be transgender as well, which would be another sign. Not that all transgender people pair up with other Trans Men or Women, but it does happen, especially if they want a partner who will understand them and be non-judgmental.

Just hope that some day he'll take you into his confidence.

A "Gay" Kiss at 13?

Hi Bill. Okay, so I've been in a serious relationship for a year. When I first met him, I never suspected he'd be gay or of that type. He was a huge flirt towards women. We were both bartenders and saw all the attention he would receive. I wasn't interested at first because I knew the type of guy he was. But I still went for it. We started getting very serious, even moved in together. One day, we were having a conversation about the craziest things we've done and he mentioned to me that when he was 13 he kissed another boy. He said it was because they each had a girl crush, and the two girls dared them to kiss each other in order to able to sleep with them, so they did it, and later scored with the girl. He then told me that later on he found out that it was all a trick because the guy who he kissed WAS gay and liked him. He was upset about it and broke contact with all of them. I felt a little weirded out about it, but took it for what it was. Ever since then, I've been extremely paranoid. I feel very alert about anything he does. I've occasionally seen him glance at other men, like at the beach etc. I've confronted him once and asked "are you gay" and he said "no, I am not gay. I did that with the guy so I could sleep with the girl." Months later, we were having sex when I insisted on talking dirty to each other. Then out of no where he says "let me put it in the ass". I completely stopped and pushed him off of me and began saying "I knew it." A huge fight burst out after that. What caught me off guard was that we had never talked about anal sex. He said his coworker had been talking about them having anal with their girlfriends ans insisted that he should try it with me. We were able to get past that but I still carry this huge paranoia and it isn't fair to neither of us. We do love each other, but I don't think I'll ever feel at ease. What should I do? 

Two points to consider: A.) Giving a guy a quick kiss when he's 13 on a dare does not necessarily make a man gay. Believe me, I can be pretty suspicious, but this doesn't raise any red flags for me. It's the type of silly thing that could easily happen. I think you were, for whatever reason, so freaked out about it that you're interpreting his every action as being, somehow, "gay."

B.) It isn't only gay men who are into anal intercourse. Your boyfriend may be the experimental type who likes to try different sexual positions.That doesn't necessarily add up to homosexuality. Of course you don't have to engage in any sexual activity you don't feel comfortable with, but don't be so uptight that you perceive anything non-missionary as being "perverse." Whether a man is or isn't into things you might consider "kinky" generally has little to do with sexual orientation.

Can I swear to you that your boyfriend isn't attracted to men? No, I can't, but I'd need much more positive evidence before I could tell you that the man in your life is definitely gay.

Bisexual Boyfriend?

Hi Dr. Bill,

My boyfriend of two years is 57, and I am a 49 y/o female. We've recently had a large 'bump' in our relationship. I have seen questionable behavior from him in the past, but most recently in the last few months.

At first glance, one would think he was a very masculine alpha male type. He even calls himself an alpha male. However, there are things about him which I question, especially since our recent 'bump in the road.' Up until last month everything seemed pretty great as far as him being happy with me. On the other hand, I had a few questions that I couldn't bring myself to ask him. He has always told me how wonderful I was using phrases like "pure as the driven snow." This is not true, btw. It seems torturous for him to say the words, "I love you." He'll go months without saying it, and when he does he tacks on phrases like "I love you to pieces." Sex is a very physical thing with him. He always talks nasty, and has never told me he loved me during the act. He does make sure I climax though.
Please excuse my ignorance, but I don't know bi-sexual 'behavior' if there is such a thing. I just know he isn't like any other man I've dated. Any one of these behaviors wouldn't raise an eyebrow, but more of them seem to keep appearing. He cooks chef-like meals, he knows designer labels, he has effeminate gestures, he purses his lips, he's very concerned about his looks, and his ear used to be pierced. All of this is nothing really, but there are a few things that worry me.

He calls a lot of guys 'fags', 'bisexual' or 'homosexual'. He is the most sexual man I have ever experienced, it's like anything goes, he has introduced me to 'snowballing' which I had never even heard of, and when I pleasure him orally he throws his legs up over his head. I think he wants me to stimulate him rectally, which I am not interested in at all. He has tried to do that to me, and I don't like it. He said he wants to do me anal. 

About two months before our little 'bump' the effeminate behavior really intensified. At times, he would act SUPER feminine, and even changed his deep voice to a high pitched voice while acting like a girly girl. Now, I wonder if he was testing me to see my response. Maybe he wanted to tell me something? He has genius level intelligence and makes over $300k/yr. When he's traveling he usually doesn't call me at night the way he always does when he is at home.

Anyway, he seemed more than happy with me (and himself) until a month ago when all of a sudden, like a ton of bricks, he won't call me, answer the phone, or respond in any way for several days. When he finally responded, he gave a truly bogus excuse for doing this (I am suddenly terrible now). He did start emailing a little here and there. But, he's going on back to back business trips, which he hasn't done since January. He wants to get back together, but I don't want to if he's bi. Everything is great when it's great which is most of the time. But I hate when he travels, because it's like he just disappears. I know he goes out partying when he is on trips, because he said he does. We NEVER go out partying together. It's like he has a double life. I'm the comfy/cozy half, then he has his 'other life.' We live an hour apart.

In my 49 years, I had never had anyone want to kiss me after a blowjob. He really loves it, licking all of it up. Then, the 'legs over the head' thing. I had never seen a man do that. Then, all the feminine gestures lately just put me over. Now, everything else that was ever the least bit questionable seems to make sense. It scares me because he really does treat me better than anyone has. I also do wonder if he would have a need to be with men if he was bi. Our sex life is phenomenal, but I have no experience with this.

One other thing. He has tons of female friends who feel comfortable calling him for 'relationship advice.' He has only a few male friends, none of which live close.

How do I confront him about this, or, what is your opinion on his 'behaviors?'
Thank you for your time.

Okay, there's nothing really that positive here to indicate whether or not this man is into guys. [Read the post "Boyfriend with Secrets"  and you'll see the difference.] Your boyfriend acts campy at times, apparently thinks it's cute to imitate stereotypical homosexuals [the girly girl business], is interested in a greater variety of sexual acts than the men you've known before, but none of that means he's gay or bi. I admit most men -- especially straight men -- don't want to kiss someone who has just given them a blow job, but it's not positive proof of anything, although his licking his own semen is admittedly a little suspect. Surely you know that cooking skills, pierced earrings, and the other things you mention are not clues to gayness; there are as many straight guys who are into that stuff as there are gay men who aren't. And there are straight men who are into analism, even if it's not that prevalent.

In general when most men want to "come out" to someone they don't do it by acting all effeminate -- why would they? However, when you consider that he refers to gay men as "fags" and frequently refers to men as being gay or bisexual [in, I assume, a disparaging manner] that could indicate that he has a problem with gay men. It could be that he's hiding something or is a repressed homosexual, but it's also possible that he has some deep-rooted heterosexual insecurities; he's afraid people think he's gay.

By the way, according to the latest theories, truly bisexual men don't have to have sex with men. It's gay guys who have to have sex with men.

I suggest that you tell him of your concerns because you can't go forward with this guy when you have these doubts. Don't accuse him of anything -- just tell him you're curious and need him to be honest. In person is better than in a text or on the phone. You can lead off by telling him you have a gay or bi friend who is conflicted, and see his reaction. If you make your questions part of a general discussion he won't feel cornered.

Good luck!

Boyfriend with Secrets

Hi.....ok where do I start? Been with my boyfriend for 10 years....we have 2 children together. Recently I had been feeling like he was acting funny... distant. I thought he may be cheating with a woman, a man never crossed my mind at this point. So I put an app on his phone that would allow me to listen to his phone calls. I received a notification that he called a strange # I didn't know. I called it and a man answered....I hung up thinking phew he's not cheating. I listened to the phone call later in the evening and it was him calling this random guy using terms like glad u can host....asking him which positions he preferred....he was very explicit with his words. Told the guy he would love to meet up for sex.... that he was bisexual and he had a girlfriend (me) and he had to plan around me. I immediately confronted him. Told him I had him on record. He told me its not what I think and he was told by guys he works with if he called this guy and pretended to be gay when he got to his house there would be females there and he could pick one. He said he wanted one for a 3some for "us" -- a girl that is. So I called the guy and explained to him that I was his girlfriend and I heard the conversation between them. I told him what my boyfriend said about the guys at work giving him his number and asked him about these "girls" He apologized ,said he felt really bad and said he met him on an adult website and that there were no girls. He laughed actually and said that was completely untrue. When I confronted my boyfriend that I had spoken with him he got angry and denied being bisexual. I also told him he said he met him on an adult website he said a guy at work let him use his profile to talk to him so he could get "the girls".....I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. I know he's lying but my question to you is he is clearly caught red handed and still denies it, do I just accept this? He says I made it up. What scared me is in the conversation he said he had a 3 yr hook up and it was his first bareback experience.....he quoted it as "great....a whole 'nother ball game" and told this guy he doesn't even know that he'd like to have bareback sex with him and he said he's a bottom. That's scary with aids now a days. Why won't he just admit it???? I feel violated and deceived. I can't trust him. He did tell the guy on the phone that he is very discreet and "nobody knows and that's the way he likes it." Will he never admit this to me out of pride? Please help.....I just do not understand. :( 

What you've got here is a man who is attracted to other men -- and obviously acting upon those feelings -- and is deeply ashamed of it. There is often a disconnect between a man's true sexual orientation and how he identifies. [Some people have wrongly asserted that there are "straight" men who seek sex with other men, but unless we're dealing. on occasion, with victims of childhood sexual abuse, that's simply not true.] Your boyfriend probably doesn't think of himself as gay or bisexual because he has a girlfriend and children, is living a straight life [the one that's out in the open, at least], and sees himself as a man who can "pass" [as straight], not realizing that this is the case with most gay men -- most are not effeminate and flamboyant.

I obviously don't need to tell you that you can't believe anything your boyfriend is telling you, because you've already caught him in so many lies. Do you just accept this? Absolutely not. Guys like this often think they're not cheating if they're having sex with guys, but he is cheating, and lying about it besides. Why won't he admit it? In my experience guys like this usually tell the men they're involved with -- or at least having sex with -- that they like women [if for no other reason than to feel somehow superior or more macho] but they rarely if ever tell the women in their lives that they go with other men. Often these men are not truly bisexual in any case -- their behavior is bisexual [they go with both men and women] but they can't even allow themselves to admit that their preference may be men or that they are basically gay. They are full of self-loathing over their homosexual feelings.

Which brings us to the business with bare-backing, which is anal sex without a condom. This is risky behavior for a top, let alone a bottom, and again, it indicates a severe self-loathing, a lack of regard for himself, his sex partners and especially you.

This man needs therapy or counseling to help accept himself. You can not "accept" this situation if for no other reason than your own health is at risk, not to mention your emotional well-being. With the situation you've got now, it will be impossible to build upon a relationship with a man so obviously conflicted, dishonest, and apparently geared towards men if he's honest with himself. Insist that he be honest with you and discuss it in a non-judgmental way.

You have a right to be with a man who isn't keeping secrets from you. There have been women who let their gay or bisexual lovers have their little side flings from time to time, but count me among those who don't think that this arrangement, especially in this day and age, is fair to anyone -- especially when the man is into barebacking.