Help for Gay Seniors and Caregivers

I have a gay uncle who is in his seventies and whose partner died some years ago. I am also gay and have become his part-time caregiver. Do you know of any organization that provides help, advice and resources for seniors and caregivers in the LGBT community? Many thanks.

Yes, SAGE [originally Senior Action in a Gay Environment] provides help for LGBT seniors and their caregivers. Their website can be found here.  I am a caregiver for an elderly gay man myself and will be reporting more on SAGE as I explore their services and resources in the next few weeks.

Boyfriend with Secrets

I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years, we recently had a baby girl in November. We have plans to get married and he seems excited about it, we even got the ring together. But I had snooped on his computer and found that he had been watching tranny porn, and found a video in his trash can of him masturbating. Furious, I texted him all upset and he left work to talk to me. He said he was just super stressed and it wasn't anything. He even told me that he joined a gay dating site back in February. But he deleted it after I found out about the porn. So even more curious I looked in his email and found a email between him and some guy talking dirty to each other and exchanging numbers. He felt like crap after I confronted him about it and said if I left he wouldn't have a reason to live and that he'd want to die. But every time I ask why he made a profile for a gay dating site he just says he doesn't want to talk about it. He told me he always liked watching tranny porn because it's like a girl being in control. But I don't understand. Is he hiding something? He won't open up anymore but I don't want to waste my time if he is gay. It's not fair to me. He even said he's not attracted to men at all. What is your opinion? What do I do?

Well, he's definitely hiding something. He refuses to talk about something which is of obvious concern to you -- his joining a gay dating site, among other things -- and the erotic emails with another guy are another red flag. A guy can have fetishes, and a man can be attracted to transsexual women -- who are, after all, women, regardless of the biological state they were born in -- without being gay, but often an attraction to trans women ["tranny" is no longer considered an acceptable term], many of whom still have a penis, and especially transvestites/drag queens, is a cover-up for an attraction to men. It sounds as if your boyfriend is in a very confused state of mind and could use some counseling. Men don't join gay dating sites or send sexy emails to guys because they're "stressed out." It sounds like he has an attraction to men that he is ashamed of and fighting, but if he thinks a heterosexual marriage will change him he's being delusional. Many guys in this position are scared to death of their feelings and cling to women as a lifesaver, at the very least hoping a marriage will lend them a heterosexual facade. [His threatening suicide is probably his way of expressing panic over the possibility of being outed, or of definitely being gay.] But you're right that this isn't fair to you -- or to him.

Tell him that the two of you have really got to have a talk. Don't be judgmental. If he wants to jerk off over certain fetishes it isn't the end of the world. If he's gay, it's a lot more problematic. Be cautious if he suggests that he's bisexual, as this can often be a convenient term and a cop-out. In any case, if his preference is men then he will eventually feel quite stifled in a marriage.

This is a difficult situation which requires patience, a lot of honesty, understanding and conversation. If there is a gay or LGBT center in your city, it might be a good idea for him to drop in and discuss his feelings and various issues with a sympathetic and knowledgeable counselor.

Casual versus Anonymous

I came across a post where you answered a question about casual sex. Isn't it true that casual sex and anonymous sex are not the same thing? 

Absolutely true. Casual sex is a one night stand, a bar pick-up, or it can refer to sleeping with a person you are acquainted with, maybe even friends with [a fuck buddy, or as straight people say "friends with benefits"], but aren't in love with. There's no romance, no angst, no jealousy, none of the tortured, joyous emotions of a full-fledged love affair. Just good, clean sex.

Anonymous sex, on the other hand, is where you not only never get to know the person with whom you are having sex, you may not even get to see what they look like, and there's definitely little, if any, conversation. This is --in my opinion -- old-fashioned sex, more prevalent in the days before Stonewall, where gay men would meet anonymously in dark parks, men's rooms ["tea rooms"], movie theaters, and other trysting places where there was not only no wining and dining or cruising before sex, there was no anything -- the two would just get right at it for instant gratification.

Before AIDS, there were many darkened back room bars where anonymous sex would go on. Men would follow a guy they saw and liked in the [brighter] front room of the bar and hope that if they hooked up with him in the back room they were getting the right guy! But with all those bodies, and shadows, who knows?

Frankly, in my opinion, sex is a much more satisfying experience in a bed and after getting to know someone even a little bit. Still there are people -- gay and straight -- who like the no-frills action and slight edge of danger to anonymous, often public sexual encounters.

Crossdressing boyfriend

I was with my boyfriend for a year when I began suspecting him of cheating when I found women's clothing that was mine. Long story short, I found out through extensive Internet searching that he owned a porn site where he is the main attraction as a cross-dresser and people pay to watch him have sex dressed up in MY underwear and dresses in my home. I had no idea and was shocked. I found out next that he was advertising himself as a hooker who cross-dresses and caters to men for $200. After I moved out and confronted him he said he wasn't gay and was just interested in making money. The thing is, he has his masters degree and he lives off his rich parents. He had the gall to tell me that the fact that my daughter who is disabled stresses him out caused him to snap and "indulge in selfishness". He had the website for a year before I met him and admitted to paying very passable pre op transsexual hookers for sex up to three years before we met. He tried to explain since he had sex with them while he was dressed as a man and they looked like beautiful women it was not "gay sex". Furthermore he said when he was prostituting dressed as a woman having sex with men that also did not constitute "gay sex". In the past two months since I've left he has been actively trying to get back together with me saying all that was a phase and he was over it. I then found out he got arrested 30 min. after we got off the phone for prostitution by Vegas vice. He was still doing it! And now he's a " changed man" and is livid that I won't accept he's straight and move back in with him. I am heartbroken, and confused. But I also know I can't get back with him obviously. What I want to know is if he has a severe disorder, if he's delusional, and why he is adamantly denying being gay and is he typical of "closeted men"?
 
Also his particular obsession in dressing was thigh high boots which was consistent through out. I am so confused why he'd pursue a serious relationship with me when he was doing all of these secret activities? Should I try to help him....? Forget he existed?? Help. 

My advice is to probably forget he existed, and not because of his extra-curricular sexual activity, but because he's involved in criminal activity, is a liar, used your home and clothing for porn activities without your knowledge or permission -- the yuck  factor goes on and on. I'm a pretty open-minded guy but this character sounds pretty unsavory in many ways and, yes, delusional. 

Now on to other specific points:

Cross-dressing men can be and often are heterosexual. [Most gay men have absolutely no interest in cross-dressing.] However, the fact that he's advertising for sex with men [and whether for pay or not for pay is irrelevant] is an altogether different matter. Also, most pre-op transsexual men still have penises, and I doubt if a 100% straight guy wants to have sex with a "lady" with a dick. [Let me make it clear that I believe post-op trans-women are definitely female -- and perhaps even before the surgery -- but most genuinely straight men would be turned off by the male genitalia and other biological factors.]

So this guy can argue that he wasn't indulging in standard male-male sex and therefore it wasn't gay, but it was decidedly "queer" [queer now being another acceptable term for the LGBT -- or Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender community]. And I find it hard to believe that a man who has no attraction for men would want to have male sex partners even when he's dressed up as a woman. At the very least, he's bisexual [which doesn't mean his preference  can't be men, making him essentially gay] and he is being disingenuous, or, as I said, delusional. It's also possible that he's transsexual himself, which can be very confusing for someone who hasn't yet accepted or acknowledged it, and he may honestly be confused as to his basic orientation as well.

While it's perfectly okay for you and others to be compassionate for and understanding of his confusion and "kinks," it does sound like he has a lot to work out in his own mind before he's ready for a relationship, and it may be that it would be more natural for him to be with a man. He's typical  of closeted men in his denial of obvious homoerotic acts with other men, although the porn web site and cross dressing is not so typical.

In conclusion, let me just say this guy has a lot of issues -- and not just the sexual ones -- and it doesn't make you a bad or bigoted person if you don't want to deal with them. Relationships are tough enough without adding quite so much drama.  

"Bi" Boyfriend or Closet Case?

I am a 33-year-old gay man and I am currently dating a man of the same age who identifies as bisexual. He is attractive, and I enjoy our sex life, but I have worries. When we go out to dinner, he will frequently flirt with the waitress or other women in a way encouraged to make them think he is available, even though he is sitting with me. He will not act romantic until we get to a gay bar. Of course, I wouldn't like it if he flirted with other men either but I notice he never seems to do this, just women. I find it distinctly uncomfortable and wonder if he is capable of sustaining a relationship with another male. 

To be blunt, probably not. I won't even get into whether or not this guy is actually bisexual or what his preference is, but it definitely sounds like he is dealing -- and not at all well-- with internalized homophobia. I will just say that a lot of men who are embarrassed to be gay/bi and full of shame need to have women in their lives even if only as a beard or front. They have to exude some kind of heterosexual persona even when they're out with another man. The fact that he flirts with women but never men indicates that he is uncomfortable being out in public with a man except when he is in an all-gay environment like a gay bar. I have no doubt that he is the kind of "bisexual" who tells gay men he likes women but never tells the women whom he gets involved with, if any, that he also digs guys.

Frankly, as far as I'm concerned that is not being bisexual, it is being a closet case.

Your friend needs some counseling and a good dose of gay pride, but you have to accept that for one reason or another he may never feel comfortable in his own skin. Just the very idea of his hitting on women when he's on a date with you is rude and insulting and a little outrageous. And desperate. Like he's trying to prove something to himself.

My advice. Fuck 'im and forget 'im!

One for the Ages

I am a gay middle-aged man who is constantly being asked by bar patrons how old I am. In my opinion, it's nobody's business. I am told by close friends that I look much younger than my years, and that's just fine with me. I would like to be upfront with people, but then there's all the age discrimination I would have to deal with. How do you feel about this?

I completely agree that a person's age is their business and it's kind of rude to ask. It's like asking someone what their income is or if they dye their hair or other personal questions. Some guys will ask you your age not for any obnoxious reason, but because they like you and are probably hoping you're not too young for them. It may be just part of being conversational. Then, unfortunately, we have the assholes who are hoping you are older so they can condescend to you. Fuck them.

In a more perfect world everyone could be totally honest about their age, but in a youth-obsessed society [both gay and straight] that isn't always an option. If you look younger than your years, that's great. Even if you didn't, there are always guys who don't care how old you are, not to mention younger men who like older guys. 

I would suggest shaving a few years off if you can get away with it, but not decades. I'm sure we've all encountered middle-aged or even senior guys who try to pretend they're part of the younger generation -- and talk to you as if you're "an older man" -- when everyone knows they've been around almost [or at least] as long as you have. We put up with it until they start making nasty age-discriminatory remarks, then it's time to put them in their place and remind them how long you've known them. Otherwise, I let people say whatever the hell they want to about their age.

Dumped After Sex?

Hello dr. Bill, I am a gay guy living in Nigeria, here in Africa. I was online few days ago and I [came across your web site]. The problem I am having is confusing. I don't search for boy friends but they come my way and each time they want to have sex with me, I refuse --  because I have this feeling that that if the guy has sex with me, he is gonna dump me and I will be worthless after the action. It is like an ego in me,and I begin to feel like I can't be defiled, though I wanna have sex with them but when [the opportunity] comes, I starve myself of it again.  I don't know why that is happening. Thank you very much Dr. Bill, will love a reply soon.

This is a very common problem. You are afraid that if you have a sexual encounter with someone, that person will not want to see you again. [They're called "one night  stands" for a reason.] It sounds as if you're just not into casual sex, that you prefer to have erotic encounters with someone you have some kind of relationship with. Since you don't seem to have a problem attracting men, I suggest that the next time someone comes on to you, tell them you are not into casual sex, that you prefer to get to know someone a bit before jumping into bed with them. Obviously someone looking for a quick hook-up will move on, but other guys who like you may agree to go out on a date or a few dates before sleeping with you. No one can guarantee that this will lead to a lasting relationship, but at least you will feel some emotional connection to the man you are having sex with. 

Remember, that having casual sex with someone does not mean you are being "defiled." If you use condoms, stick to safe sex, you can still have a good time with someone you are not in love with. It's your choice. 

You may find that there are other guys who feel as you do, who are willing to go out on dates with you, have coffee or a drink, and forgo the sex until some time later. 

Good luck!

Gay Man and Straight Friend

Hi Dr Bill,

I think I may have fallen in love with a straight male work colleague who I have been socialising with for the past couple of years.  We go out for beers and sometime ago started to also take cocaine, stupid I know so I stopped taking it, however, he continued.  Anyway, he has a long term girlfriend and doesn't think twice about cheating on her, I am there for him constantly and listen to all of his problems, he thinks he has mental health issues and often talks jokingly of suicide, not a joking matter I know.  We are both mid 30's by the way, so not kids.  I am openly gay and have a mixed social life outside of work.

When I see him my heart melts, when I see him with a woman I feel as if my heart is breaking.  If we are out and he does meet a woman, it's as if I am not there. However, the next day he will e-mail or text and say how low he feels.  If I am not with him he will often text and say how much he misses me, he recently said in a text that he loved me.  If I mention other men and dates he will not acknowledge the conversation, often making just a snide comment.   

I recently had an altercation with another friend we drink with, drink-fueled stupidity which resulted in me finishing my drink and going home, informing them that I wouldn't be socializing with them again.  Later that evening I received the 'Love you' text, followed by a string of abuse aimed at the other friend.  I have to point out that he will often slag off other friends, so I am guessing I would be no exception.

After the 'Love you' text I didn't contact him for a week, I wasn't invited for drinks and now I feel completely isolated and lost.  Although the person I had the altercation with speaks to me like nothing happened (no drink invitations though), the fella I think I have fallen for had not contacted me at all, he knows I hate the silent treatment.  I contacted him with a 'How are you' kind of text, his response included 'Need a break from constant health abuse', I interpreted this as a break from me, possibly my mind working overtime!

I feel completely broken, I thought we were good friends and had a connection, he is now on my mind constantly, hence me wondering if this is some kind of stupid infatuation.

I cannot help but wonder if I have been used as his emotional punch bag.  How do I get over this, why is it bothering me to this extent, I can't eat and am sleeping very badly.  Should it bother me so much that he may or may not have bad mouthed me to others? Should I say anything, I don't want any confrontation at work as it's a professional environment.  I feel totally gutted!

Thanks for listening

Cheers.

It is never easy to have strong feelings for someone while you're still trying to figure out if they're gay or straight or struggling with their own sexuality. People in this situation tend to clutch at anything they can to give them hope. Your friend's dismissal of your comments when you talk about your gay dating experiences could indicate that he has sexual identity issues, but it's just as likely that he's uncomfortable talking about your being gay in certain environments [I take it you're not going to gay bars with him]. It could also indicate that he is a little self-absorbed -- he only wants to talk about himself and his own problems.

Even if he hasn't figured out that you have such deep feelings for him, he probably senses that you care and he knows that you are willing to listen. The trouble is, as you get deeper and deeper in love with him, worrying about him, you are perfectly right in worrying that he is simply "using" you as an emotional crying towel. Once he finds someone else to listen -- someone he doesn't fear has feelings for him which he can't return -- he''ll just move on, which he may already have done. Of course, I am basing this on your suggestion that he seems to "whine" to you about many different things.  

Whatever the true story of his sexuality -- and you realize this man may be genuinely and totally hetero -- it is never easy to be in love with someone who can only offer you friendship, regardless of their orientation. You were heading towards a bad place anyway you slice it -- who wants to be in love or even just infatuated with someone who can't return it? You feel as badly as you do, isolated and lost, because of how much you want to be with this guy on both an emotional and physical level, but it just may not be possible. 

My advice, as difficult as it may be to take, is to think of what seems like a very negative event in your life as a positive. Chance are that you had no real future with this guy, that you were only risking getting very badly hurt, wasting your time pining for him when there are plenty of nice gay guys out there who would be much more suitable partners. I recognize that you are also mourning the loss of a friendship, but as I've said it's very sticky to be friends with someone you have unrequited feelings for.

[As a good friend of mine once put it in a novel: "When one wants friendship, and the other wants love, 'friendship' is the coldest word in the English language."]

Believe it or not you can get over this guy [of course it will be more difficult than usual because you work together]. The easiest way to get over an infatuation is to meet someone new, so get out there and have some adventures! You may find that you can once again be friends with this guy once you've gotten past the unrequited feelings you have for him. 

Think positively -- there's a better guy out there for you, and hopefully you'll have a lot of fun finding him!

Good luck!

"No Fats, No Femmes"

I was in a couple of gay bars the other night and saw a few guys flocking around these obese, effeminate men as if they were hot porn stars. Whatever happened to "no fats, no femmes" that you used to see -- have gay standards changed so much that a swishy guy who avoids the gym and takes absolutely no care of himself has suddenly become a sex symbol? I just don't get it.

You're not alone. But remember -- there's no accounting for taste except that everyone has his own "type." There have always been "chubby chasers" in the gay community and if there seem to be more of them than ever, it may be because the guys they like are feeling freer to go out and cruise now that there are places, such as bear bars, where they can feel comfortable and meet people who like them. Obese men used to avoid the typical gay bar or "meat market" because they feared no one would be interested, but the more accepting bear community -- where you can be older, fatter, balder, and not handsome and still find your share of admirers -- has changed the equation; you won't often find "big" guys cruising in "regular" gay bars.

The strange thing is that most "big and fat" guys tend to be admired because of their masculinity. Feminine chubby guys are even more of an acquired taste. There are men who don't focus on the total package, but simply have a fat fetish -- therefore it doesn't matter if the guy is masculine or not, or what he looks like as long as he has lots of excessive avoirdupois!

On one hand, it's good that all kinds of men who don't fit neatly into conventional standards of handsomeness can still have fun and feel attractive. On the other hand, as I've said before, there's a danger in making obese men, especially morbidly obese men, sex symbols. I'm well aware that the bear lifestyle has its good points, but perhaps in its gleeful disregard of taking care of yourself, it isn't doing a lot of gay guys much of a favor.

Anal Issues

I had anal sex with a very well endowed man. Ever since then I have had constant anal pain. It hurts to sit down, once I'm sitting and situated the pain subsides until I move or try to get up. My first BM had blood in the stool and I had have had a constant feeling if having to go #2. I notice that when I wipe there is spots of blood (still). When I went to bed Saturday night I woke up sore and achy with a headache. Also sometimes when I go to urinate I am forced to sit down because I have to BM which is excruciatingly painful. As a seasoned 'bottom' I have never had this before... Should I go to the doctor (I don't have insurance). I'm scared...

I would wait a couple of days and if the bleeding and pain continues you should see a doctor. Do you have hemorrhoids? Anal sex could make them bleed, creating pain, blood in the stool, and often a feeling that you got to do # 2. It may be nothing more serious than that -- they can be pretty painful --  but if it doesn't clear up you should have it checked out. If you think it is hemorrhoids, also known as piles, you can get a cream for it at the drug store. If you do decide to see a doctor, there are low-cost clinics you can go to. If you're in New York, a place called Callen Lorde Community center services the LGBT community, including uninsured, on a sliding scale and there may be similar places in your town if you're in another city. Or you can call a gay center and ask for referrals. Try not to be scared, it may be nothing, but DO check it out if it continues more than a week to ten days, especially if it gets worse or is really painful. 

Should add that the "worse case" scenario could be an anal fissure or tear, which can be caused by anal sex and other reasons. However, in most cases this self-heals within two weeks. Again, hemorrhoid cream can be helpful. So definitely see a doctor if this doesn't clear up in two weeks. Don't worry -- surgery is only required in the most extreme cases, which I doubt you have -- and there are simple ways of healing it without surgery. But in all likelihood it should clear up on its own. And I probably don't need to add -- no anal sex until it does! Bill