Gay Self-Hatred

I am gay and have a gay friend who is constantly making negative remarks about other gay people and homosexuality in general.  I have confronted him on this on more than one occasion, but he seems unable to talk about why he feels the way he does. He is Catholic, and may have absorbed some of their virulently homophobic attitudes. I think he has many good qualities, I like him, but his homophobia and negativity often make it difficult to deal with him. We are both in our mid-forties. He has no partner, but I can't imagine he will ever get one with his current attitude. Is there any way to help him get over his internalized homophobia?

Homosexual men like this have hated themselves for so many years that it's often difficult if not impossible to get through to them. That doesn't mean there isn't a chance, but your friend has to admit that there is a problem. He is gay, he can't change it, yet he hates himself and hates being gay, and it is all so unnecessary. You are undoubtedly right that his Catholic upbringing has done a number on him, as it has on so many other gay men and lesbians.

Often the self-hate of people like this is commingled with other negative feelings they have about themselves regarding their looks, weight, frustrated ambitions, loneliness, and so on. Your friend probably has a whole long list of grievances. His negative feelings about himself [aside from his homosexuality] feed off his negative feelings about being gay, and create a vicious circle that he's trapped inside.

Men like this are often expressing negative feelings because they feel rejected by other gay men. He has no boyfriend, probably does not go out on dates, and let's not even get into his sex life. This feeling of being rejected leads to him hating being gay and blaming his homosexuality on all of his problems -- he would be happy, he feels, if only he were straight. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. [And there are plenty of miserable, lonely heterosexuals out there for which being straight is not a magic cure-all.]

Sit down with him and tell him how utterly oppressive you find his attitude to be. In a tactful way help him to maximize his assets and minimize his less attractive features. He can't change his orientation so he might as well accept it, embrace it, and develop some pride in himself. Suggest he get some counseling and that a gay or gay-friendly therapist could help him feel better about himself. And it wouldn't hurt to remind him that more and more people are finding the Catholic church and other religions negative attitudes toward homosexuality to be outrageous and totally out of date.

I mean, guys like this are deep down miserable and they don't need to be.

If he doesn't listen to you, refuses to even talk about it, and his behavior and remarks continue to bother you, then you may just have to lose him as a friend.

Brutal Porn Part Two

Dear Bill:

This is a tough one to write, because I think it's always hard for people to talk about "what they do on the Web" behind closed doors and out of sight. At least, no one I know -- even close friends who seem open about just about everything -- don't talk about their Web surfing much, and never about sex sites. [Some people do talk quite regularly about their various adventures on the web and on porn sites. Depends on the individual and often on how "out" they are -- Bill.]

I'm a 45-year-old gay male and most likely have watched no more and no less gay porn over the years than the average gay male (if there is such a thing), going way back to VHS tapes. But I've seen the variety of sex acts portrayed in gay porn expand wildly over that time, and especially in the last few years on the Internet. Some of what I see if highly disturbing to me and seems to cause a great deal of guilt and even depression because I feel, on some level, that it's really wrong for anyone to be filming these things, making money from it, and enjoying the watching of it.

Let me say at the outset that I don't make value judgments about ordinary people doing what they want to sexually in the privacy of their bedrooms, with consent, or even in clubs as long as no one is forced to do anything they didn't sign up for. Specifically, bondage and S&M aren't something that bother me if people are doing it because they enjoy it and they're genuinely making a choice that that is what gives them pleasure.[I agree.]

But I see larger and larger numbers of movies, and clips of movies, available online that truly involve brutal presentations of sexual-related acts in which guys clearly are in pain or extreme discomfort. The envelope is being pushed more and more each year and I think everyone knows it. These kinds of videos are mostly online -- I haven't seen many in stores. (Of course, I realize there are many straight videos like these and that this is not a gay phenomenon.)

Anyone browsing through free gay porn sites, I think, would not need explanation of what these videos entail, but they often portray quite young guys (who often look much younger) being tied up and subjected to various violent treatment and abuse (if that's the correct word) that, in the non-porn-production world, would be classified as assault, battery, torture, even rape. [Definitely sounds pretty creepy.]

I'm writing not merely to express dismay over what's increasingly being hawked for money by the porn industry, but to admit that I've developed a fascination and attraction to some of this stuff -- and it really bothers me and makes me feel pretty awful about myself. [Is it really this porn that makes you feel awful, or something deeper, some negative feelings you have about yourself that this porn brings out?]

It seems to me that people can get pleasure out of other people who are also getting pleasure, or seeing other people in pain. Our minds are complicated, and it doesn't take viewings of "Star Wars" episodes to realize that everyone has very good sides and very dark sides, and definite temptations to give in to the latter. I remember in high school English class our teacher asked us to give our personal definition of evil, and the best I could come up with was feeling pleasure at the pain of another. Now, folks in S&M probably would strongly disagree that they are anything close to evil, but that doesn't change the fact that watching these things is clearly both enticing to me but repellent, and I come away from them every time feeling sorry that I did watch.

If I were giving advice like you, I'd probably say, "You can't do anything about changing the porn industry or what happens to these actors. There are complicated reasons why people enjoy S&M, or bondage, and complicated reasons why these young actors get involved in porn. The only thing you can do is control your own actions and avoid videos that make you feel bad about your choices."

I think that would be good advice, [Yes!] and I'm trying now to make some pragmatic choices that would put that into effect. I actually set up a porn filter on my laptop that screens out sex sites, because I was spending way too much time on such things. Also, I found a porn addiction message board on the Web and registered, though frankly I don't know if I will be posting on it.

I guess my big worry is that I'll eventually just chuck the porn filter and go back to my old ways -- "binging" on sites that seem wrong to me, then feeling guilty and horrible, but perhaps not guilty enough to stop. And then wondering what all this says about my own values and ethics. I mean, in all other spheres of my life I think of myself as moral and kind and helpful to people. (I did used to talk about this with my therapist, who is now actually my ex-therapist, but he seemed somewhat clueless about it all. Not very familiar with these kinds of Web sites and clips, he thought that no one really feels pain in them and that all the actors are just faking. But surely the pain is often very real -- I mean, it's what the audience demands and the studios provide, right?) [I don't have all the answers to that, but you have to remember that you are not the one inflicting pain on these people.]

I know there's no simple answer to all this, but I wanted to know your general thoughts on the subject, how you view the Internet and how it can change people, and if you have any advice.

Thanks for your time, Bill

You raise a large number of issues. I did a post on this a few years back called Brutal Gay Porn but I have some other thoughts today. I confess I have not watched any of these brutal gay porn movies, and probably wouldn't want to. Are the actors actually in pain, or just pretending? I guess it's the difference between hard core and soft core, where in the former the participants are actually having sex, and in the latter they're just play-acting. Since people can be quite realistically and graphically dismembered and murdered in horror films, I imagine it's relatively easy to fake some S&M material, as well as pain and torture, in a porn film. [While I have no moral objections as such to either pornography or prostitution, I do know that, sadly, some people selling their bodies either on the street or having sex in front of a camera are desperate and perhaps being exploited as well.] 

But I have to say that torture and rape are not part of any S&M community that I know. Now you're getting more into CSI and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit than Star Wars -- I mean this isn't "kink," it's sick and criminal behavior. At the same time, if perfectly normal people can enjoy graphic violence in horror and action films, it's also possible that it's not abnormal to enjoy it in porn movies, although most people would not find it very sexy. You're watching [hopefully] phony recreations of aberrant acts, not participating in them. 

The deeper issue is what does enjoying degradation -- either your own or someone else's -- say about a person's sense of self-worth. All I can tell you is that members of the S&M/kink/fetish community have special needs and interests and look at things quite differently from the rest of us. When it comes to gay men, does self-hatred, which leads to hatred of other gay men or hatred of gay activity, have something to do with the obsession with hurting and degrading other men (or being "victim" of same)? You're right that gay members of the S&M community would probably object most strongly. Still most of the members of that community I've met are less interested in giving or enjoying another's pain than they are in role-playing -- the whole bondage and discipline and master/slave bit. [Undoubtedly many find that distasteful -- who would want to be a slave -- but in most cases it's mostly for extra titillation and never goes too far.]

If you think you're spending too much time watching these movies and especially if they make you feel bad about yourself, substitute something that won't create those negative feelings. It could be some deep-rooted internalized homophobia, shame or guilt over being gay, that might make you enjoy stuff in which men are brutalized and degraded. Only a gay or gay-friendly therapist can help you get to the root of it, and it's something you might consider if you find you can't stop watching the stuff and it only makes you feel worse and worse. 

Lastly, as for how the Internet can change people, well, it can certainly provide lots of fodder for fetishes -- healthy and less so -- of all kinds, and mini-communities of people who are into all sorts of shit [literally, some times]. In some cases this can help people feel less strange and alone, but sometimes it only makes a bad situation worse by feeding the fetish until it overtakes everything else. Again, a therapist can help in the latter cases.

Dr. Bill is Back

Had to deal this past month with some personal issues, as well as finishing up a new book, but I hope to maintain a regular schedule [now where have we heard that before] and deal with the back log asap. Thanks for reading, and thanks for your questions.

Staying Friends with a Lover

Hi Bill,

I am 51, male and always knew I had an attraction to males.   Never had any relationship.  Just some encounters, all the time also trying to convince myself I was into girls as well.   I met a guy who manages a house next to mine and we became friends.  I eventually initiated sexual activity with him and he gladly accepted.  we became emotionally close.  He eventually has the maturity to talk to me to let me know he was feeling too attached to me and we had to stop having any sexual relations.  He felt constrained and was afraid of any relationship.  We agreed but kept on having the odd sexual romp.  We have said a few times now that we will not carry on but then we do.  Now, the last time we REALLY decided we would stop.   He has had other encounters during the time we had been testing these waters (8 months).  He says he does NOT want any relationship and I believe him but am having a very difficult time letting go and just being friends.  I am feeling that I might love and be In love with him but not sure.  How do I let it go while keeping my sanity and not driving him away from being a good friend?? Never had any gay relationships before and have failed at all female ones and so I am feeling that I will never find IT.  Can you advise??

Thanks,

My advice is to forget about this guy -- as difficult as that sounds -- and find someone who feels the same about you as you do about him. Not always easy, I know, but it is very, very difficult to be mere "friends" with someone you may be in love with, all the while hanging out with him and hoping things -- or his attitude towards you -- will change. If he's just a fuck buddy -- a friend you have sex with on occasion -- and not someone you have romantic feelings for, that's one thing, but if your heart is caught up with the sex and friendship, it's a different story.

51 is not old. [Hell, I know guys in their seventies who are still cruising, dating, and getting laid!]. Join some gay dating sites like silver daddies or bearwww and you'll find lots of perfectly nice and attractive fellows who are looking for love, sex or both. [Some of these guys are Out and Proud, and others are discreet and closeted.]

I know -- believe me, I know -- how difficult it is to get hung up on a certain fellow, but it's better to be happier with someone new than miserable and uncertain with someone who, ultimately, may not be right for you or vice versa. Take heart -- I know a guy who only just came out of the closet [after being married for decades] and within a couple of months he had a boyfriend!

You never know!

Possibly Gay Boyfriend?

The relationship with my boyfriend is four months long, and I did not feel him as [being] gay when I first met him. And it was about three months ago that I first learned the possibility of men cheating on women with other men, closeted, from dad (He just explained the term "downlow" to me). One day my bf and I went to a restaurant, and there was an obviously gay guy as an waiter, and during and at the end of our meal, he constantly tried to talk with my boyfriend. After the waiter asked several questions and got the information about my boyfriend's profession, he said he was a florist, that he wanted to give his contact information in case my bf needs flowers. My bf agreed to share contact info, saying, "Since I have a gf, I am interested", and they gave each other's numbers. I read in some books that gays can spot other gays and became skeptical about my bf's sexuality since this incident.

My bf has high energy, soft voice and is effeminate, sensitive-emotional, smart- all the features colleagues who turned out to be gays had when I went to college. And not long after me getting confused of his sexuality, I asked him first how he feels about gay guys in general, and he just calmly answered that those guys are needed for balancing the number of the population by not making kids. I asked if he was a gay, and he said, "Every guy has a fantasy about sleeping with men [no they don't -- Bill], but I haven't slept or dreamed about sleeping with a man. It is not first time I was asked, though. My mom questioned me if I was gay, and several other people did. But I feel angry because I am not gay, I always dreamed to be with one woman in my life and had 5 girlfriends before you. I always wanted to have a family. I am into women." As I also learned that closeted guys deny the fact, I did not fully trust him, but part of my skepticism on his sexuality had gone at that point.

Am I being too over sensitive? or is me being skeptical about those things reasonable? I am not willing to waste time with him if he is gay or closeted, but as he is saying he is not gay and as I did not find the certain clues for him to be gay and do like him, I am trapped and cannot break up with him unless I find out certain clues. I haven't slept with him, and he knows that I am a virgin. Is there a possibility that he is just keeping me on the side to get into my pants someday for he is curious about sex with a virgin when he is gay?

Thanks in advance. 

[This correspondent also mentioned an incident when she thought two men might have been having sex in her boyfriend's bedroom when he insisted it was really his sister and her boyfriend. She also found sanitary napkins in his glove compartment which he also said were his sister's.]

Well, to start with, I don't know how many gay guys, closeted or not, want to have sex with a female virgin, but this guy could be, or at least think of himself as being, bisexual. It's quite possible that he's been telling you the truth about everything, and you suspect he's gay because he fits some of the stereotypes about gay men that you've grown up with. 

Just because a gay waiter might have been trying to drum up business [I assume you meant the waiter has a flower business on the side?] or even been flirting with your boyfriend, doesn't mean your boyfriend is gay. He might have taken the guy's contact information to be polite. He did make it clear he had a girlfriend. 

To be honest with you, there are  -- even in this more enlightened day and age -- quite a few men of all ethnic backgrounds who are on the "down low," but nothing your boyfriend has said or done makes it absolutely certain.

No offense intended, but I do have to wonder why a straight guy nowadays who's had five girlfriends before you is content to have a girlfriend who's a virgin. That's the one thing that raises a red flag with me. Does he have some religious convictions against sex before marriage? 

Since you are not being intimate with the guy, and I suspect neither of you have made a firm commitment to the other, this is what we would call casual dating. Keep seeing the guy if you like him-- date other guys as well -- and see if anything else comes up that bothers you, then ask him about it again. In the meantime, check out by post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay.

Dealing with Self-Hatred

Dear Dr Bill,

I am a gay Man.  I am 44 years old, I have a wonderful Civil Partner whom I love, however I am not

Happy, I want to be straight, I want to be on equal footing with straight men, I don't want people asking me if I am gay, I act straight all the time; I am careful never to let my guard down, I have visited Doctors for a cure. I can't believe in this day and age they can't cure Homosexuality.

If there was a pill I would have taken it years ago. All I want to know is -- why me,?I asked my doctor, and he said why not. I was staggered and furious, he said being gay is not a problem it's natural. I can't fancy women. I fancy men I even married one because I fancy men.

I do t know what to do;I have lost so many friends and hurt people because I explode with anger

if I am asked if I am Gay.

I want to know why gay men look gay, what causes it, how can I be happy. How can I make my partner happy.

You're suffering from a very bad case of what what we call internalized homophobia, and it has a lot of causes. You may have been treated badly because you're gay, you may have been raised in a very homophobic environment, have relatives who are anti-gay, or have negative feelings about your sexuality because of religious feelings. 

The first thing you have to accept is that it's okay to be gay. 

There is no "cure" for homosexuality because it is not a disease. It is perfectly natural. This isn't gay activist propaganda -- it's scientific fact. The latest research strongly suggests that we are born gay, and nothing can change it -- there is no "cause." We can pretend to be heterosexual, we can live false lives, stay in the closet, but isn't it better to accept yourself and enjoy being gay?

To answer some of your questions, most gay men do not "look" gay. Only a relatively small percentage conform to stereotypes. Some gay men fear and hate the fact that they may be obviously gay, while others embrace it, have fun with it, develop an inner toughness that deals with the fact that many people will assume or know they are gay without being told. 

Whether you're obviously gay or not, once you accept that there is absolutely nothing wrong in being gay, you won't care if people assume, know, or ask if you are. You won't be ashamed and you won't care. That's the great benefit of Gay Pride. 

Another important point is that you've been lucky enough to find a partner. I know a great many gay men with partners and husbands and boyfriends, but I also know a lot who are single and wish they weren't. Many of those single guys have negative feelings because they're lonely, but if you are in a relationship with someone whom you say you love and is wonderful, then what exactly is the problem? You have someone to share your life with. Do you think there's something horrible and inferior and "diseased" about this man you love? I hope not. So why feel that way about yourself?

You have swallowed a lot of society's negative feelings about gay people, and need to get past it. If there's a gay/LGBT center in your city, see if they do counseling; perhaps a gay or gay-friendly therapist could help you feel better about yourself. You not only owe it to yourself to change your negative and frankly outdated attitudes, but to your partner. 

Best of luck!

Gay or Just Stereotypical?

Dear Bill, I've recently started seeing a guy from my work, let's call him Joe, and I'm having suspicions that he is gay. A few people at work have also thought he was gay including an openly gay man who was surprised when he asked Joe if he was gay to hear that he wasn't and responded by saying he is usually right with his "gaydar." Joe has also admitted to having a good gaydar. In addition to that clue, he also sits with his legs crossed, tries to give me fashion advice when we go shopping (but also complains that I take too long in the store), he was the lead in his high school musicals, he watches dancing shows on tv, he refers to his best friend as his heterosexual life partner (his friend is married to a woman), and when I told him that he and his friend look like a gay couple, he said that a lot of people say that and they've just accepted it. He also says "I'm so gay haha" when he does something gay, such as give me fashion advice, he also is close friends with a gay man who he used to work with. He admits to thinking certain men are attractive, but he says that more about girls; he's been in two long term relationships with women and has no trouble having sex, and is actually constantly horny. I have not asked him about any gay desires or relationships. But I asked him why he thinks people think he is gay and he responded "because I don't care what other people think of me and I'm flamboyant and I sit with my legs crossed." I don't know if I should confront him on a more serious level, because it's all been joking so far, and he is ok with joking about being gay, and I am uncomfortable with looking through his messages. Please give me your opinion, I don't know what to think.

I think you and "Joe" both need to stop stereotyping gay [and straight?] men. I don't know if this guy is gay but it sounds just as likely to me that he's a straight guy who simply rings some gay-stereotype bells, and I personally can't wait until all of society, gay and straight, has gotten past them. I'm a gay man and I never give fashion advice, don't cross my legs in a feminine manner, can't stand those awful dancing shows on TV, and wouldn't have been caught dead being the lead in a musical in high school. Since this is true of many of the gay men of my acquaintance, it is entirely possible that the opposite is also true and this guy really is hetero. You have to remember that not all male fashion designers, musical comedy stars, or even hairdressers are gay; in fact, most aren't. Frankly, Joe doesn't do himself or anyone else [especially gay men] any favors when he goes on about being "so gay" just because he's giving fashion advice and the like. Most gay men couldn't give a shit about ladies or men's fashions. Most of us are just average Joes -- pun intended -- that happen to be gay. Those stereotypical gay men who are effeminate and go on about fashion and divas may seem to be everywhere, but they are only one small portion of the large gay male community.

That being said, "Joe" could still be homosexual [or perhaps bisexual, if you want to get technical, in that he dates/sleeps with women] but only he knows for sure. Check my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay for more advice.

Gay -- or Exhausted?

I'm very concerned and I want an opinion from a professional, instead of my silly girlfriends. We are both in our early twenties. We've been together for  a couple of years. He is a wonderful man, and I love him in a way I can't put in words. He's like the family I've never had. 

Recently, we've had some rough patches. Money is way tight and it's put quite a lot of stress on our relationship. He works long hours and comes home cranky and demoralized. I really try and make home a safe and warm place for him, but it doesn't seem to help. (I wonder if he is depressed.)

 

Our sex life has DIED. I'm still very much enjoying my youth. I want sex every day or at least every other day. He says he is happy with it twice a week, but we can go WEEKS without him touching me intimately. It never really was as freaky or as frequent as I liked it but, I'm at the point where I will take ANYTHING. I'm also very resentful, because he will have me pleasure him and will not return the favor! Selfish! [You can say that again!]

I've tried everything in the book to turn him on like before, but nothing works. What am I doing wrong? It's taken a huge toll on my self-esteem and makes me feel vulnerable to the advances of other men. I've been told by male confidants quite frankly that they will give me what I'm not getting. Sucks. I only want to have relations with my baby.

Also, I am worried he is bisexual/gay. I'm an openly bisexual woman myself (2 on the Kinsey Scale I've recently learned!) and I'd be accepting if he only was honest with himself. Here are a few facts. 

He says he has never had relations with men. His mother thought he was gay for the longest. I introduced him to his prostate, and he loves how it feels. He watches ALOT  of porn. He wants me to buy a strap on. And, he made a strange comment that he was a girl with a penis. I believe he was trying to turn me on. Didn't work. If I wanted to be with a woman I would be, but I'm with a man.... I think [even if he's gay or bi he's still a man].

I'm so hurt. I have a vagina and I want to be with a guy that can appreciate it. I don't want a dick. Pardon, my language. This is very emotional for me. So, are my fears unfounded? Is there a way to communicate without him getting defensive? Is this penis obsession gay or just another part of fluid human sexuality? Is he transgender??

Any help would be a blessing.

Sincerely,

Horny with a Broken Heart

 

"Horny," there are a great many reasons why a guy suddenly loses interest in having sex with his wife or girlfriend. It could be depression or extreme fatigue, he could be having an affair, he could have a low sex drive or even be basically asexual. So let's concentrate on the remarks he made that make you think he might be gay or bisexual: the strap-on, the "girl with a penis"  etc. I can see why these might make you wonder, though in of themselves they're not enough to go on, as I don't know the context and he could have been joking. Why did his mother think he was gay? Are you his first girlfriend [of course he's not all that old].

Some of his remarks might indicate that he's still finding himself when it comes to his sexuality. He might not be able to answer your questions because he doesn't know the answers himself.  Although there's no way I could be certain about this, there is always the possibility that he's a gay man who is nervous about sexual experiences with other men and wants to try certain things with his girlfriend first. If you haven't already, read my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay. Then consider talking to him about his sexuality. You can start the conversation by asking how he feels about gay people and take it from there. Has he ever had sexual thoughts about men, or had a homosexual encounter? Make sure he's relaxed and lead him into it. The conversation may flow more easily than you imagine. It might turn out that he needs counseling or therapy, whether he's gay or not.

There's also the possibility of the two of you going in for couples therapy or counseling.

In any case, a couple at any age should have and deserve a healthy sex life, and if the main problem turns out to be that he's lost interest in sex [with you and with anyone] then he should get a complete physical exam, and if necessary, a psychological one. 

But take heart. As you yourself suggested, this may be a simple matter of a man who is depressed by money troubles and exhausted by too many hours of work. Given time, it may work itself out. And by all means, insist that he return the favor when you do  engage in sexual activity and not just let you pleasure him. It's the least he can do. 

Best of luck.

De Blasio's Lesbian Wife?

Democratic mayoral candidate Bill de Blasio has a wife, Chirlane McCray, who years ago wrote about being a black lesbian for Essense magazine. She doesn't identity as bisexual who fell in love with a man but says she is a "former" lesbian. Isn't she basically an "ex-gay?" Now de Blasio is running against openly gay Christine Quinn and his wife has made remarks that border on homophobia. Is de Blasio also an ex-gay or closet queen? Is this a case of two homosexuals getting married because they think they'll get farther in politics and life? 

I wouldn't doubt it, as I know such couples exist, but no one aside from the de Blasios can say for certain. 

To all intents and purposes, McCray does come off to me as an "ex-gay," even if she doesn't generally make negative pronouncements against gay people to my knowledge [although I agree that her comments regarding Ms. Quinn were highly questionable and her response to criticism about it as specious as earlier remarks concerning her sexual orientation]. 

Let's take a moment to examine a statement she made regarding her sexuality:

 “I am more than just a label. Why are people so driven to labeling where we fall on the sexual spectrum? Labels put people in boxes, and those boxes are shaped like coffins [!]. Finding the right person can be so hard that often, when a person finally finds someone she or he is comfortable with, she or he just makes it work. As my friend Vanessa says, 'It's not whom you love; it's that you love.'"

This is just the sort of thing used by self-hating homosexuals and closet cases to duck the whole [to them] odious gay issue. McCray doesn't understand that "labeling" yourself as gay is one way of expressing your pride [your lack of shame] in being gay and fighting against the oppression of the closet that has made it that much tougher over the years for gay men and women to finally have all of their rights. If you carefully examine her words you get the impression this is a mixed marriage of companionship and compromise, and hardly a union of genuine honesty and passion. In other words, a friendship that helps each person meet each other's supposed needs. McCray's reference to "boxes shaped like coffins" is also very telling, revealing that her unconscious mind thinks being gay is a dead end. This is in my opinion a woman full of severe self-hated and very negative attitudes about being a lesbian, regardless of how she may have consciously felt years before. Maybe she was very badly hurt by another woman or never met one whom she felt could help her reach her goals.  

People who claim this is a "non-issue," such as Kat Stoffel in a brief piece in New York magazine, are missing the point. In these more enlightened [but hardly totally enlightened] days of gay marriage, the fact is that sham and "mixed" marriages and "former" lesbians, harkening back as they do to feelings of shame and negativity, are very passe and tiresome indeed.

Love and Justice

Years ago I fell in love with a man who basically told me he hated me and wanted me out of his life even though I did nothing wrong but tell him I liked him.  With the horrible way he treated me, I thought his behavior was indicative of a personality disorder. But this past July he and his boyfriend of 4 years got married.  This is a picture; as you can see, they are beautiful. I really thought that the man who treated me so horribly would have been punished somehow.  But as you can see, he has been rewarded immeasurably with a man who is 15 years younger, tall, broad-shouldered with a great smile.  Did I forget to mention he practically supports him.  Anyways, will my heart ever be mended?  Will I ever find justice?  Will the guy on the right ever get karma?

Here are my thoughts on this:

First,  if things haven't worked out, for one reason or another, with someone you hoped might become a significant other, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is checking their Facebook page to see who they wound up with -- or if they wound up with anybody. I'm speaking from experience here. If you happen to be single, looking at photos of the guy you really liked enjoying happy domesticity, vacations, a life together, with someone else practically amounts to an act of masochism. 

However, keep in mind -- as a friend recently reminded me --  that photographs of smiling faces do not always tell the whole story. You do not know if this couple are going to have decades of wedded bliss or if it will all fall apart in a few months [not to be mean, of course, but gay marriages are just as subject to failure and divorce as straight ones].

If it's true that this guy told you he hated you simply because you liked him [and presumably he didn't feel the same], then he does sound like he has some kind of personality disorder, (or is there more to the story) and you are probably well rid of him!  He's that other guy's problem now. And if he's supporting the younger man, how do we even know this is a real love match, or if he may come to regret ever hooking up with the unemployed fellow? [Of course, gay husbands have just as much a right to support their spouses as straight ones do.]

But ultimately none of that is important. Your heart will mend. Forget about this guy, stop checking out their Facebook pages, move on, find love elsewhere, with someone who will treat you with kindness and the right kind of passion. You don't need justice, you need a boyfriend!

In the meantime, it's okay to indulge in a little mean-spiritedness. [For instance: In my case, the guy I liked dumped me for a guy who was ten years younger than me. Is it my fault if I can't help but note that his lover happens to look ten years older, LOL!]

For all you know, the younger lover of the guy you liked may run off with all of his money, leaving him homeless and desperate. I discovered that there's rarely any need to get revenge on anybody; life's problems are revenge enough. Besides, was this guy as terrible to you as you suggest, or was it simply that he just wasn't interested? That doesn't necessarily make him evil, although he may seem that way to you.

It's worth repeating that if he was an evil dickhead, you are well rid of him. 

Boyfriend Stares at Men

I'm kind of convinced the guy I've been dating for 6 months may be gay. He stares at other men ALL the time; only wants oral from me (says sex with a condom is difficult); and now seems to be attempting to interact with a tranny on FB whom he is not friends with (okay, he liked one post but there seems to be "straight" men buzzing about her page). I've asked him twice (sort of) if he was gay; once when we were in bed. He simply said no. I called him out when we were out one night. He stared at several men for a prolonged period of time. Upon hearing my assertion that he stared at men too long he got angry.

A few nights ago he stared at several men on the way home. He kept on looking back at me to see if I was looking ... I was.

Your thoughts? I want to say my instincts are right. He has loads of other issues I don't have time to discuss including some nerve and back problems which makes me understand the lack of sex but not his odd -- for a "straight guy" -- behaviour.


Many thanks!

Well, frankly, his staring at other guys -- and especially his trying to do it surreptitiously -- is a big red flag. Also, some men who are attracted to other men are initially interested in trans women or drag queens because they see them as women [of course trans women are women] but are turned on by the masculine connection -- a drag queen is still a guy and has a penis, while a trans woman once had a penis [or still does if she hasn't had surgery yet]. Men who get sexually involved with them can tell themselves they're not really having sex with a man [which is true in the case of the Trans woman, but not with the drag queen.]

I would say this fellow at least has some attraction for men but isn't ready to be upfront about it. The problem is, until he's ready, you don't know if he's gay or genuinely bi, and if the latter, if his preference [if he's totally honest with himself] is men, in which case he might as well be gay. Who needs a conflicted boyfriend who may be planning sexual escapades behind your back?

Try and draw him out in a sympathetic, non-judgmental way. If he seems deceptive or hostile, you're probably better off moving on.  

Gay/LGBT resources online

Dear Bill,

Hello, my name is Joseph Atkins. I'm the webmaster and editor of the

Gay Dating Blog. We regularly compile lists about different LGBT dating,

relationship, and other social topics. Earlier today, we published a new resource:

"Top 50 LGBT Google+ Pages Worth Following". I thought you may want to have a look:

http://www.gaydatingsites.net/top-50-lgbt-google-pages-worth-following/

We would appreciate if you could link to our article if you think

that your audience may find it of interest. 

And of course, please feel free to e-mail me with any questions or

suggestions for the list.

Thanks,

Joseph Atkins // Gay Dating Blog

http://www.gaydatingsites.net/blog/

Twitter: @GayDatingNet

Thank you. This is a list of gay/LGBT web sites and resources on a variety of subjects, including activism, gay dads, children of gays, dating sites, and so on. Check it out! 

 

Gay or Not?

Dear Bill, I been with my boyfriend for almost a year and I am now pregnant. I been having problems with him texting females. After a recent break up, I was getting on my computer and I noticed his Gmail account was still up so I decided to go through it. While going through it, I saw a message, what I thought was from a female website, but turned out to be a bi/gay website. His name was very intimate like he had been on a gay website before. And I saw where a guy sent him his number and he replied OK. Since he is very secretive and protective over his phone, I'm not sure if he ever contacted the guy. I immediately called his sister, and later she asked him about it in a deep conversation and he said he didn't have a Gmail account then later replied that maybe someone hacked his name. If it were hacked then why was he logged on to my computer with that exact profile?? He later stated that he was gonna commit suicide. So we got back together but I can't think of him as the same guy. He is not a very sensitive person, he is more thuggish actually. I don't notice too much homophobia coming from him. I'm scared to ask why he was on that website so I don't know what to do. I do love him but I can't be with him if he likes men. It's one thing to cheat with a woman but its another level to cheat with a man. I need your help. 

It's very difficult to be with someone who keeps secrets with you and isn't honest about himself. He is probably struggling to accept his attraction to men, and unable to admit it to others just yet. If you haven't done so already, you have to sit him down and with love and sympathy and in a non-judgmental way, ask him some tough questions. You're absolutely right that it is a whole different level if a man cheats on his wife or girlfriend with men, because that indicates that he might well be gay and should have a male partner. You have a right to know what's going on with the guy and the truth about his sexual orientation. If he is gay, or a possibly bisexual man whose preference -- if he's totally honesty with himself -- is men, then a long-term relationship with him becomes problematic.

There are "macho" -- or as you put it -- thuggish men who are gay and who are ashamed of and embarrassed by it. They often seek out women to use as beards (cover-ups) and to sleep with to prove they are "men." Their attitudes are, sadly, very out of date, but there are many guys like this still around. Hopefully he can learn to accept himself and could probably use some counseling. It's tough for you to have a gay boyfriend, but hopefully both of you can agree to care for your child while moving on with more appropriate partners.

Freedom to Marry campaign

Hello Bill

I thought you would like to know about the new crowdfunding campaign to raise money for the nonprofit, Freedom to Marry - The campaign just launched and was started by four LGBT companies who are donating all of the campaign's "thank you gifts" - Wolfe Video, Sweet Travel, oneGoodLove.com and Lesbian.com. So far, we've almost raised $2,000! The full story is below.

• Here is the campaign: http://igg.me/at/freetomarry

• Our press release is here: http://prlog.org/12170587

• We have till August 5th to raise our goal of $25,000 (or more) and would love your support.

• We also have a short redirect link for Twitter: http://yeslgbt.com


Thank you,

Jennifer L. Jacobson, Wolfe VideoDirector of Crowdfunding


Thank you for the information. This is certainly a good cause to get behind and make a donation to! 

Gay Men, Straight Porn

Hello Bill. I have a life long friend and he wants to do a straight porn video. He is gay so this sounds crazy. Would he be mentally damaged? Is there such a thing as gay men doing straight porn? Are there any gay men on record as having done str8 porn? Why would a straight studio hire gay men to fuck women?

I think there are actually a lot of gay men doing straight porn, although they may not identify as such. These are the same men who do gay porn but who insist that they are straight, or at least are leading straight lives -- and there are a lot of those.  If you want to get technical, these men are at least bisexual in some sense, but just can't take the next step in even admitting that, although they suck and fuck men as much as women for a living! Sad, really.

I don't know why your gay friend wants to do straight porn. Perhaps he thinks there's more money in it. Perhaps he's fallen pray to the out-dated, homophobic notion that you're not a "real man" unless you have sex with women. I assume he doesn't date women or sleep with them in a "regular" environment, so perhaps the whole thing has to do with his image or with money.

Being gay doesn't necessarily mean that a man finds women repulsive, or can't function with them. A gay man who sleeps with a woman probably won't be "mentally damaged," unless he gets the wrong idea that a "successful" [if undoubtedly unsatisfying] experience with a female means that he's heterosexual or even bi, when it generally doesn't.

I do get that you think he's being pretty silly, and he probably is. All he needs is one great experience with one hot guy and he'll probably forget all about doing straight porn!

Gay Bears and Anal Sex

I noticed that gay bears like anal sex just like other gays. Usually stockier (includes bodybuilders) men eat what I call a "rough diet" from what I understand. So with that in mind, how do bear bottoms "clean" themselves? How are their douching and eating techniques good enough to possibly enjoy anal sex? One time when I wasn't 100% clean, the doors wouldn't even open. Thank you for answering my dated, oblivious [?] question.
  
Okayyyy ...  well this is probably a dated and obvious -- or even oblivious -- answer, but I assume bears take thorough showers like everyone else. Even men with hair both outside and inside their ass can do a good job of cleaning themselves with plenty of soap and a strong stream of water. In between showers things are a bit more problematic, but if you're going to take someone home with you and think there may be a problem, you can suggest you both shower both before sex and after. If you're referring to what your penis might encounter on its way up a rectum, well -- again, that's what condoms and showers [not golden showers, which is something else] are for. If a "rough diet" includes roughage you might not encounter, shall we say, too much of a bad thing when you're pumping away. It's very rare when you fuck a guy not to occasionally get some, well, crud on your dick [or condom]; sorry.

Bill's Media Watch: Recent "Gay" TV Characters

Well, I'm not certain I'd call the characters on the shows Revenge [ABC] and The Following [Fox] gay or sexually ambiguous -- rather they seem to be gay only when the script calls for it.

Revenge, which was created by Mike Kelley and just finished its second season, deals with a young woman, Emily, who ruthlessly gets even with anyone who had a hand in framing and killing her innocent father. He was accused of being a terrorist and of downing a plane with hundreds of people aboard [these people and their grieving relatives seem rarely if ever to be mentioned].

There are no actual out and proud gay characters on this supposedly hip program. There was a nutty, now-deceased fellow who told his girlfriend he slept with another character, Nolan, only as a power play -- he wasn't gay [sure]. As for Nolan, played by Gabriel Mann, it's hard to know what to make of him. I don't know anything of Mann's private life, but he plays the supposedly bisexual character as if he were channeling every soap opera diva he'd ever seen, including Joan Collins. He's not a bad actor, but you have to take his Nolan with a large grain of salt. He acts so swish at times that when they gave Nolan an alleged romance with a woman it was so unconvincing as to be laughable, and the two actors had little erotic chemistry. I don't recall Nolan going to bed with this gal, and the only man we ever have seen him with is the aforementioned psychopath [an ex-boyfriend briefly appeared], but both of them wound up dead, so maybe getting involved with Nolan is slightly dangerous to your health. In the first season the wimpy Nolan allowed himself to be bossed around shamefully by the often tyrannical Emily, whom he calls "Ems" -- isn't that precious [although even some of the straight male characters have followed suit]? During the second season he seemed to develop some balls as regards to Emily -- just as he was falling for a female  -- making you wonder what kind of message the show is supposed to be sending -- assuming a program like Revenge has enough on its mind to send any kind of message. In any case, Revenge  is getting too complicated and moving too far away from its central premise, and Nolan remains an irritating character. Revenge seems determined to avoid any real gay relationships, be they healthy or dysfunctional, and so far the only "queer" characters have been either mentally disturbed or blatantly stereotypical. [We won't even go into the nasty gal, almost an evil lesbian, who claimed she was having an affair with another female character, but supposedly wasn't.] Bad show, Kelley.

Things are even stranger on The Following, which was created by openly gay screenwriter Kevin Williamson. The premise of the show, which is intriguing, is that a certain charismatic serial killer named Joe Carroll has developed a cult of equally sociopathic sycophants, who have infiltrated society and the police force and will do anything he tells him, including murdering his enemies. It would have been nice had Williamson included a gay FBI agent [not a white bread character, necessarily, but at least someone heroic], but he probably thought he was being unpredictable by going another route. Two of "followers" are assigned to keep watch on Carroll's ex-wife by pretending to be a gay couple next door, only neither are gay. [Apparently playing gay will make them seem less threatening or something.] Only it turns out that at least one of the two guys is attracted to the other, and is becoming accepting of his homosexuality, while the other one, who also seems to be attracted to his "partner," is in denial [or could be another supposedly bisexual character]. Anyway, as the show wound up its first season earlier this year, the conflicted partner murdered the gay one [his first kill was of the man who loved him], supposedly to keep him out of the hands of the police, but is also on the outs with his former girlfriend. The trouble with The Following is that many members of the following seem much too intelligent and together to be members of a cult, as such groups mostly attract utter losers. Another problem is that the "queer" characters on the show are all seriously disturbed or full of old-fashioned self-hatred. Admittedly, their sexual orientation may not be responsible for their sick psychology, but even so. . .  Flawed human beings are one thing, psychos another. Williamson may be going somewhere with this, but I won't be around for the second season to find out. Plenty of drama could have been worked up by having a gay FBI agent; substituting a couple of murderous freaks is hardly the way to go. Bad show, Williamson.

Boyfriend with Financial Issues

I am a 47-year-old gay man, healthy, in good shape, told I'm attractive. I have been dating a man in his late thirties. People have told me that the age difference is not very apparent, and it doesn't seem to make any difference anyway. I think we are a realistic couple; he is attractive but not so gorgeous that he is out of my league. I make more money than he does, but that's no problem. Now and then I'll pick up a check; he does not encourage it. Just a while ago he asked me to move in with him to his house -- we would be a couple -- but it seems there was a stipulation. He told me that the house needed many repairs, some cosmetic, some not, and asked me to pay for them, his rationale being that this would be my home, too, and that if by any chance I should outlive him the house would become mine, as he was leaving it to me in my will. None of this sounds all that unreasonable but I confess I was a little put out. I hadn't even made up my mind to move in and already he's asking me to put in a significant amount of money into the house, many thousands of dollars. I can afford it, but I'm worried. It just makes me feel that maybe my being a little well-off as compared to him is what really matters to him. I should say that he works, has some money in the bank, and our sex life is more than adequate. Maybe I'm just lonely ... what do you think? He also wants to go to a bear meet but indicated that I would have to pay for both of us.

Paying for home repairs when you're just embarking on a committed relationship [after dating for a short while, I imagine?]  is a little sticky, especially if most of the problems are merely cosmetic. It is possible he sees you paying for the repairs as a substitute for rent -- you didn't mention it, but lovers rarely are required to pay rent if their partner already lives in a house. Also, he has to pay property taxes on the house, and he may see this as your way of paying your share. [Remind him that fixing up the house will increase the property taxes!]

If your boyfriend is guilty of anything, it's lousy timing. I can well understand why he's got you questioning his motives. What does he want -- a lover, or someone footing the bills? You better sit him down and ask him just what he expects from you. Is he implying or outright stating that you can't move in unless you pay for repairs? Romantic little devil, isn't he?

On the other hand, he does have a point that it will become your home [if not your legal property] once you move in. The whole business with leaving it to you in his will is kind of moot since no one knows at this point who will outlive the other, but it's something.

I think the real problem is that you've haven't made a full commitment to this guy in your heart. Why should you pay "many thousands" of dollars for home improvement if you wind up splitting up with the guy and moving out in a matter of months? Is he willing to pay you back if things don't work out?

I hate to resort to cliches, but as they say, you never know someone until you live with him. Tell him you need a period of adjustment before you can give him a definite answer about the money. It's not that you won't do it, but you have to see how it feels living with him, in this strange house [and, presumably, a different neighborhood?] and so on. There are just so many variables and unknowns -- for both of you.

But handle this delicately. He may be a perfectly nice guy and the two of you might make a damn good fit, both in and out of bed. Just explain that he's being just a little premature. If he's really in love with you he'll be willing to wait. Move in with him if you want, and see what happens. Offer to pay some rent in the meantime so he doesn't think you just want a free place to live!

As for paying for the bear meet, that could also run into significant money, but it's also true that he may not be able to afford it, and equally true that it will be less fun without him  -- make it a loan instead with no hurry to pay it back and see how he reacts. You can always forgive the debt if things work out and sue him for it if it doesn't, LOL.

Good luck!

Gay Fiance?

I am a single mother of two have always been nervous to bring any man around my children. When I finally let my now fiancé into our lives he is great with my kids; so good to me. I have noticed him make comments here and there about... one time he got some nudie pictures over a text of a man who "supposedly" thought he was sending pictures to a woman he met at a club. She must have given him a wrong number my guy replied. I can believe that b/c I have given a persistent annoying man a fake number when I was a teen because he just wouldn't stop bothering me.

Anyway.. my bf (at the time) said he thought it would be funny to mess w/ him & send him a picture of his "below" & ask if male sender was interested in some "di*k".... sending as in a joking matter but to come across as real. My fiance also said he got a little graphic with his wording.

Another red flag; some of his coworkers from construction jobs call each other baby or princess but mostly baby. He said they just like to mess around w/ each other calling each other "winey" but when he talks to them on the phone his ending notes are usually alright baby or hey baby.

If you can help me I would be so grateful. I really care for my fiance & my kids adore him. He just asked for my hand a couple weeks ago but if he is into men I would rather just be close friends like family in a way because I don't want my kids to be hurt from any of this if he is into men;. Plus I do deserve to protect myself & my children's feelings. I am a open minded personality, never judgemental & very excepting but I don't know the questions to ask to get a answer w/o making him nervous or upset.

I did confront him before & his reaction is to laugh it off but in a awkward way & with answering no babe I'm not gay. What are good questions to ask; do you think he could be into men? How can I go about this? I would support him no matter what he is but I don't want to start my life w/ him based on a lie.

Thank you for your time & help Dr. Bill

Let's look at why you think your fiancé might be gay. First we've got the business of him calling other guys baby, but that's hardly what I call a red flag. Lots of guys do that. [I call everybody baby but that's another story.] I'm talking about straight guys. "Hey, baby" is just an expression, and I wouldn't think it relates to sexual orientation at all.

Now we got the business with his receiving nude pictures of a man. It could have been an accident. His sending a photo of his penis to this guy is a little "out there," but it could be that your fiancé has a weird sense of humor. It's probably not the brightest thing he ever did.

I suggest reading my post "Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay" if you haven't already. Sometime the best way to lead into a discussion of sexual orientation is to start with current events, such as the debate over gay marriage. Ask him if he's for or against, then you can delve into things more deeply as the conversation progresses.

Bi Boyfriend -- or Gay?

Hi "Dr." Bill,

 

I have a slightly different version of the "Is My Boyfriend Gay/Bi" question. I thought my friend X was gay because a mutual friend of ours told me he was. My friend also said that X identified as bisexual, but he didn't believe he was really interested in women. Anyway, I thought X was gay until we kissed one night and he started asking me out. Long story short--we've been dating for a few months, and let's just say that if X doesn't like women, he does a screamingly good job of faking it (hope that's not TMI).

 

My problem is I feel like X is trying to hide things from me. He gets really cagey when talking about certain male friends, and he recently went on a 5 day trip to visit an old friend who is openly gay. X can talk for an hour straight about what he had for dinner last night, but when I ask him about his trip, he clams up.

 

What I want to do is look X in the eye and say, "Are you bi? Because you wouldn't be the first bisexual guy I've dated, and to be honest, I think man love is hot. Now we're still in the early stages of this relationship where this could go anywhere. We could be exclusive, we could have an open relationship, you could have protected sex with guys and come home to me and describe it in filthy detail...the possibilities are endless. What I'm NOT open to is being with someone who hides a big part of their identity, or someone who acts like he wants monogamy when he really doesn't."

 

I really care about X and I want him in my life. Whether we work best as friends, partners, fwb, or other remains to be seen. But I can't get too far with any if these if I feel like he's hiding things from me.

 

...Help? 

Frankly, it sounds to me like this guy is one of these "bisexuals" who is basically gay but too ashamed to do much more than screw men on the sly while having a girlfriend to show to the world. These guys usually tell the men they get involved with that they like women, but rarely tell the women they are involved with that they like guys. [And gay men are perfectly capable of being good in bed with women; it's just not their preference.]I suggest you say to X exactly what you say in your question, if you haven't already.

But I have two thoughts [and keep in mind that I've been accused of being politically incorrect when it comes to the subject of bisexuality.] Bisexual men tend to be homosexual men who are ashamed of being gay and need women to a) make themselves feel more macho [along the lines of "real men fuck women"] and b) to provide a heterosexual front for themselves. Why give yourself this hassle? While it's great that you, as you say, find man-sex sexy and all that, why take a chance that your "bi" boyfriend will come to accept he's gay and/or develop romantic feelings for one of his playmates [whether he's gay or bi].

Lastly, I also have to say that there are a lot more straight men than gay men in the world, so why not leave the gay/bi guys alone for other men, LOL?

Best, Bill

Boyfriend and Transgender Incident

Hey,

So I've recently been dating a guy for a couple of months. We were drinking and then he had a freak episode (hyperventilating, trying to hit himself) and then the next morning I made it clear that I needed to understand why he acted like that. He finally confided in me (he actually started hyperventilating when he was trying to tell me and he ended up having to txt me what happened) about paying for sex when he was drunk with a transgender (pre-op) when he was 19, he's 22 now. He ended up spending a year depressed and went to counseling and felt suicidal and ended up going to brothels when he was drunk as a way of confirming that he didn't like guys. He said that he got his confidence back and stopped going to brothels and ended up doing the whole teenage thing of getting drunk and going clubbing and when he got lucky slept with random girls. He's never acted in a way that showed he was attracted to guys at all. He's always checking girls out, we have a healthy sex life, he's very touchy-feely with me. he's always complimenting me etc. After he confided in me I asked him if he was possibly in the closet and he got mad that I would ever even ask him that, but I was confused as to why he had sex with a transgender so I thought it was fair to ask. He looks and feels ashamed of it, What would be your opinion ? Was it a drunken mistake or was there a reason behind it?

Thanks

I assume that when your boyfriend paid for sex with the Trans Woman he knew what he was dealing with despite his being drunk? [To make it clear a Trans Woman is a woman but a pre-operative Trans Woman still has a penis and appears masculine in other ways despite the feminine/drag trappings.]

There are conflicted homosexual men who have their first experiences either with drag queens [gay men who are also transvestites] or with pre-op Trans women. This is their way of having sex with men while "pretending" to be with a woman, or telling themselves that the Trans woman is essentially female despite the biology. If your boyfriend has negative attitudes towards homosexuality for any reason, comes from a repressive, intolerant background, he may do anything not to feel that he is gay.

Naturally I can't possibly be certain of this guy's sexuality, except to say that most gay men are not obvious, that many are perfectly capable of having sex with women [for whatever reason], and that often there are no red flags. I would be less than honest if I didn't tell you that men who are genuinely and thoroughly heterosexual don't need to sleep with women or go to brothels to prove to themselves that they are straight; they just know they are. If this incident was just a drunken mistake, I don't think your boyfriend would find it such a big deal.

You might find this post helpful.

Boyfriend with Gay Issues

I stumbled upon your blog in searching for answers. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. He is what you would call a "mans man" and he works out all the time and has a pretty good body. Well everything started when I was on his computer (early early in the relationship) and I was looking on Craigslist and all these m4m searches popped up....naturally I asked. Even was like I won't judge you etc....just told me he didn't know about it and his email was hacked. I'm not an idiot or technologically retarded. .. well I found other stuff that shows he's been on Craigslist while in our relationship looking for men.... I don't think he has cheated on me yet. I don't know if this is weird or what but I would be okay with him being with guys on he side as long as it didn't affect our relationship and I don't think it would be an all the time thing. I want to confront him about this stuff and not in an accusatory way but I'm not even sure how to start it. I think he's embarrassed of it and hasn't admitted it to himself that he might be bi. A big red flag is he bashes gays all the time. I want to marry this guy and maybe I'm crazy thinking it could work. But I also stumbled upon a forum asking women if they would let their husband have dick on the side or join in and I have got to say I agree with it and I want him to be able t tell me the truth. What I am thinking of doing is showing him the website and simply say I am in agreement with this I wasn't born yesterday and I know your computer or email account didn't get hacked. What is the best way to approach this touchy subject with him?
Supportive gf 

First I have to say that you're much too blase about his interest in men. I think women who "let men have dick on the side" are being unrealistic and asking for trouble -- being unfair to themselves and to their husbands/boyfriends, especially when you consider that most "bisexual" men are homosexuals who go with women because they're ashamed of being gay. How could his going with guys not affect your relationship? You're absolutely right that gay-bashing is a Big Red Flag. This guy has serious issues with his sexuality, and is probably a homosexual man who, at this point in his life, doesn't want to be gay. I'm not always "politically correct" on the subject, but in my educated opinion, the whole bisexual thing has been overblown.

I suggest you start a conversation on homosexuality/bisexuality [he may be more comfortable at first talking about the latter] by discussing gay marriage and his opinion of it; talking about a gay friend; saying you have a woman friend whose husband likes men, etc. Anything to get the ball rolling. Be non-judgmental and non-accusatory. If he admits he is attracted to men -- although he probably won't -- suggest he get counseling or therapy from a sympathetic professional so he can finally come to accept himself.  Of course, that may well mean the end of your relationship.

Unfortunately, I've known many women who marry conflicted guys like this, and believe me, it never works out.

Boyfriend with No Libido

Good Day

I wonder if you would be able to help me with a situation.

My boyfriend and i live together, I feel he has a dark secret [?] that he has not told me.  He in the past had gay friends whom he used to act with in the theater, as well as socialize with outside of theater. He has told me that when a gay male hit on him they would protect him saying he is straight.
Recently he divulged that he went skinny dipping with a male he suspected might have been gay. I very much doubt a straight male would feel comfortable having a naked swim with a possibly gay male? [Not every straight man thinks a gay man is going to rape him! -- Bill] He is very aware of gay men and i get a "whiff" of something when we happen to pass a gay male together, gay men are definitely looking at him and he notices them too.  He introduced me to an acquaintance, then later whispered in my ear he thinks the guy is in the closet.  My boyfriend has no libido and our sex life is terrible.  He has told me that anything to do with his anus is out of bounds as he has hemorrhoids.[Why would you want to go near his anus?]  He has a lot of patience [?]with gay people and so do I. I have asked him if he is bisexual or gay. His reaction to the gay question was not what i expected, he jumped up off the couch grabbed a cigarette, was very angry and told me he's never felt so insulted in all his life. He promises me that he is not gay? He did have an abusive father, but says he was never sexually molested by anyone...i am not too convinced of this?  He seldom performs oral on me (saying he doesn't do that often anyway) and seldom initiates sex saying he has no libido and suffers with erectile dysfunction, his testosterone is low (has had an injection for it) and he is going to the doctor to find out what is wrong with his body. He has suffered with ED since early 30s during his marriage.
I find him a very loving but totally oversensitive person in the aspect of he does not like a massage, a loving caress anywhere on his body in the same place for too long causes him great irritation and he says he cant stand it. He is getting so upset with me as I need intimacy in our relationship, he says the right things, treats me well etc...yet i cannot bond with him? All i want is for him to admit he is either gay/bisexual as that is only fair to me. 
Thanks so much

Your boyfriend has a lot of issues, in fact you both do. It's possible that he shies away from sexual contact because he's embarrassed by his impotency, which can have any number of causes. Doesn't mean he's gay. Sadly, most [straight] men over-react when someone suggests that they might be into guys. If you mention it again be non-judgmental and non-accusatory. Start a discussion by asking what he thinks of gay marriage and go on from there. I understand you both need to move on if it turns out he's basically homosexual.

I think you both have a problem with perhaps thinking that gay men are predators -- this business about him being "protected" when a guy made a pass at him, for instance. Some straight men think a gay guy is "making a pass" simply if he engages him in conversation! You come off a bit like a woman who is scared that your boyfriend will turn gay or come out if he succumbs to seduction from a gay man. But if he's gay he's gay, and nobody and nothing can just turn him into a homosexual.

Anyway, he sounds like he could use therapy, if for no other reason than to help him with his erectile dysfunction.

Straight or Not?

hello Dr Bill, 

I have been dating my bf for almost two years. Our relationship is PERFECT and we love each other very much. he's 31 and I'm 25. My only problem is that i have concerns that he might be gay.. or curious! 2 years ago, before we dated he told me that "no straight man can ever say he has never been attracted to a gay before, even just once".. since then i have always been very careful to see any other gay signs, which has been throughout our whole relationship. Last night we were watching a TV show and a clear gay scene popped up, a straight guy was flirting with a gay guy, and during that scene, I saw him quickly rub his dick in a very fast motion for about 5 seconds and then let go of it. what does this mean? Was he turned on by the scene? Is he gay? the last time i told him he's gay, he got very angry and broke up with me for a few hours. PLEASE HELP ME OUT!! I don't want to waste my time with him if he is a closet gay: we already have plans of getting married after i get my degree. He is a Tall Masculine man, which might be one of the reasons why he wouldn't want to "come out"! 

Well, there are still a great many men who are conflicted about their sexuality, and embarrassed by their sexual and romantic feelings for other men, but I can't say positively one way or the other about this fellow. Some men who are attracted to men will do or say absolutely anything to convince themselves that they're, deep down, heterosexual, including saying that "no straight men can say he was never attracted to a [gay] man," which sounds like he's justifying or trying to explain his feelings for men. He could be repressed as well as closeted. If you discuss it with him never simply tell him he's gay, or accuse him of it in a judgmental manner. Be sympathetic. If he's gay you both need to know so you can each move on into new relationships. You can start the discussion by, say, talking about the gay marriage debate, or saying you have a friend whose boyfriend might be gay. And see what happens.

Bear Chaser

I am a gay man and I am also a chaser, I have always been attracted to men in the Bear Community (Bears, Chubs, Otters, etc.). I don't know anyone in the Bear Community so I go to online sources to learn as much as I can about the Community. I read up on Bars and Events that I would really love to go and surround myself with the type of men I like but they always little to no reference to Chasers. I feel discouraged and even though I think I should just go to them anyway I am afraid I would be shunned because I am not someone who would be described as being part of the Bear Community. What should I do?

Go and have a great time. You have to remember that bears aren't always attracted to other bears [at least not exclusively] and chasers are always welcome at bear events. I go to bear bars and events and not only are there all shapes and sizes represented there, but there are always quite a few people who don't fit into the bear community at all. Since bears don't want to be put down for being -- in some cases -- big, chubby or extremely hirsute -- most will not put down or shun men who are smooth-skinned or without facial hair or who may be skinny. Everyone's welcome at a Gathering of Bears! [I am categorized as a hairy otter but I have dated other otters and bears as well as guys who just like bears.]

In other words, you may or may not find a boyfriend but you will probably have a lot of fun. Go to it!

And to meet bears online try bear411 and bearwww. Chasers are welcome at these sites!

Drinking to Deal with Gay Feelings?

Hi Dr. Bill:

I really hope you may have some input into my situation. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.

I am 27, he is 41. We met 4 years ago in night school.  I asked him out but we never officially went on a date. We just studied together for a couple of  years. The first time we attempted to have sex, he was drunk and "it" didn't work. He got really angry. We tried again a couple weeks later and same thing. So, in two years we have never had sex. (well maybe once for like a couple seconds before he lost his erection). We now live and are in business together; he is always there for me emotionally and financially but I want to know what I have gotten into so I can figure out my life.

I can walk around naked and he doesn't bat an eye. He never touches me sexually. We hold hands, cuddle, kiss (no tongue). He does not have stereotypical signs that he's gay. I have gone down on him a couple of times (that he let me, he usually says he's tired or pushes me away), and every time he would just lay there and close his eyes. Afterwards, he would say thank you and continue doing whatever it was before (reading, TV, etc.) He has never reciprocated. I can masturbate in bed next to him and it doesn't phase him. He says to do whatever I need to do.

I have asked him if he was gay, and he says no. He said that when we met he wasn't ready for a girlfriend and so I had to give him time. I tell him I want passion and he says he does too and that it will come but we need to do X,Y, Z first. It seems to me that if it isn't there now, it never will be. He always is talking about how old he is. I think he is really depressed but won't talk about it with anyone. He self medicates with alcohol and passes out at bedtime every night. Maybe it is just the depression and drinking that is making him have no sexual drive whatsoever?

I found regular porn on his computer (nothing blatantly gay). I don't think he masturbates... not really sure. He doesn't ever want to shower with me. He pushes me away if I try to make a move. He gets angry if I get upset about the whole no sex thing and yells that he does so much for me and all I care about is getting "fucked". I am not sure he knows the difference b/t fucking and love making although not sure b/c I have no first hand experience with him.

He is a VERY PRIVATE person and doesn't want anyone to know anything about him.

He has a temper and tends to blow up about the stupidest things. He has come to counseling with me and tells the counselor everything is fine. She told me she had pretty good gaydar but has no clue about him.

He cries during movies. He tells me he loves me. He sits in front of his computer all day.... Many more things I am sure, but I'm getting long winded.

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated when you get a chance. Thank you! Oh, I just want to say that I am completely ok if he is gay (which I have told him). I would still stay with him, I would just see people on the side and start filing out the adoption paperwork. :)


Okay, first I have to ask, why on earth would you stay with this guy if he's gay? That wouldn't be fair for either one of you. You need a man who can respond to you with full passion and commitment, and if this guy is gay he needs a man. Women who stay with gay boyfriends and husbands in sham relationships are doing neither themselves nor their men any favors. It's not 1950 when some women wrongly believed their gay husbands could "change." And why should they in any case? Staying in business together is one thing, but anything else wouldn't be advisable. If this guy is gay he needs to realize it, accept it, and deal with it, or he'll just keep drinking and be miserable.

That being said, this man's heavy drinking and his impotence could definitely be related, and he may push you away because he's embarrassed by the impotence. Alcohol consumption can certainly lead to "equipment failure." A 41-year-old man is not that old and certainly does not have to be impotent, and this would be the case even if he were twenty or thirty years older. [Impotence is rarely related to age.] His self-consciousness over his impotence may just as likely be his reason for avoiding sex as the possibility that he's gay.

I've caught no blatant red flags in what you've told me. Being sensitive and crying at sad movies does not add up to homosexuality, [As I've said many times, we need to get past stereotypes. There are sensitive and cultured straight men just as there are gay men who are insensitive and uncultured.] As for his counselor and her "gaydar," often that only means that a person doesn't conform to gay stereotypes. Since this is true of the vast majority of gay people, "gaydar" is relatively meaningless.

Some people have a very low sex drive or are even asexual for any number of reasons [depression would certainly be one of them]. There are now people who claim they were born without any sexual desire, and can only have romantic feelings for other people; the jury is still out on this claim and there's been much debate over the subject, but I mention this only as another possibility. 

Heavy drinking can be a sign that someone is deeply unsatisfied with his life and the way things have turned out. Could this guy be struggling with sexual identity? -- possibly, but I'd need a lot more to go on. It could be a mid-life crisis. He also could feel stressed out because you are younger than him. The forties is when people start to feel that they are getting older, and some people don't deal with it as well as others. In any case, getting drunk every day is not normal nor healthy, and can lead to much worse problems than impotence, such as liver and heart troubles. The cause of his drinking, be it bona fide alcoholism or just something he doesn't want to deal with, hence the anesthesia, has to be determined. It could be turmoil over repressed gay feelings or any number of other things. [Is his family liberal, pro-gay, homophobic, deeply religious? Often these are factors in whether a not a person can accept their homosexuality.]

Adding to your frustration is that this doesn't sound like a guy who wants to talk about his feelings, leaving you at sea and emotionally impotent. It's good that you're both going to counseling and perhaps some day a breakthrough will occur.

For now it sounds like you'll have to settle for companionship, which is better than nothing, but, frankly, it's not the real deal, which is what everyone deserves. If there's ever a time when he's more receptive, you might sit him down and start to discuss some of these issues in a non-judgmental way and maybe you'll have a breakthrough.

In the meantime, you might consider that hitching your wagon, so to speak, to a man who starts drinking at four every day and goes to bed blitzed every night, is problematic to say the least. If this keeps up, in five years he will look and act ten to twenty years older than he is or more, and will have developed very serious health issues.