Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Possibly Gay Boyfriend?

The relationship with my boyfriend is four months long, and I did not feel him as [being] gay when I first met him. And it was about three months ago that I first learned the possibility of men cheating on women with other men, closeted, from dad (He just explained the term "downlow" to me). One day my bf and I went to a restaurant, and there was an obviously gay guy as an waiter, and during and at the end of our meal, he constantly tried to talk with my boyfriend. After the waiter asked several questions and got the information about my boyfriend's profession, he said he was a florist, that he wanted to give his contact information in case my bf needs flowers. My bf agreed to share contact info, saying, "Since I have a gf, I am interested", and they gave each other's numbers. I read in some books that gays can spot other gays and became skeptical about my bf's sexuality since this incident.

My bf has high energy, soft voice and is effeminate, sensitive-emotional, smart- all the features colleagues who turned out to be gays had when I went to college. And not long after me getting confused of his sexuality, I asked him first how he feels about gay guys in general, and he just calmly answered that those guys are needed for balancing the number of the population by not making kids. I asked if he was a gay, and he said, "Every guy has a fantasy about sleeping with men [no they don't -- Bill], but I haven't slept or dreamed about sleeping with a man. It is not first time I was asked, though. My mom questioned me if I was gay, and several other people did. But I feel angry because I am not gay, I always dreamed to be with one woman in my life and had 5 girlfriends before you. I always wanted to have a family. I am into women." As I also learned that closeted guys deny the fact, I did not fully trust him, but part of my skepticism on his sexuality had gone at that point.

Am I being too over sensitive? or is me being skeptical about those things reasonable? I am not willing to waste time with him if he is gay or closeted, but as he is saying he is not gay and as I did not find the certain clues for him to be gay and do like him, I am trapped and cannot break up with him unless I find out certain clues. I haven't slept with him, and he knows that I am a virgin. Is there a possibility that he is just keeping me on the side to get into my pants someday for he is curious about sex with a virgin when he is gay?

Thanks in advance. 

[This correspondent also mentioned an incident when she thought two men might have been having sex in her boyfriend's bedroom when he insisted it was really his sister and her boyfriend. She also found sanitary napkins in his glove compartment which he also said were his sister's.]

Well, to start with, I don't know how many gay guys, closeted or not, want to have sex with a female virgin, but this guy could be, or at least think of himself as being, bisexual. It's quite possible that he's been telling you the truth about everything, and you suspect he's gay because he fits some of the stereotypes about gay men that you've grown up with. 

Just because a gay waiter might have been trying to drum up business [I assume you meant the waiter has a flower business on the side?] or even been flirting with your boyfriend, doesn't mean your boyfriend is gay. He might have taken the guy's contact information to be polite. He did make it clear he had a girlfriend. 

To be honest with you, there are  -- even in this more enlightened day and age -- quite a few men of all ethnic backgrounds who are on the "down low," but nothing your boyfriend has said or done makes it absolutely certain.

No offense intended, but I do have to wonder why a straight guy nowadays who's had five girlfriends before you is content to have a girlfriend who's a virgin. That's the one thing that raises a red flag with me. Does he have some religious convictions against sex before marriage? 

Since you are not being intimate with the guy, and I suspect neither of you have made a firm commitment to the other, this is what we would call casual dating. Keep seeing the guy if you like him-- date other guys as well -- and see if anything else comes up that bothers you, then ask him about it again. In the meantime, check out by post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay.

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