Bi-Nationals

HELLO DR. BILL-- What do you think of the new law that has gone into effect in Arizona? I believe that this may be the catalyst we need in the LGBT community to push for the long overdo Immigration Reform Bill. As it stands there are about 37,000 people in this country that are part of a Bi National Couple, where the person here in the states has a partner in another country that they can't sponsor because they are considered "legal strangers". I am one of those people that has a partner that can not become a part of this country because of this law. I am writing to you to see what you think about all this and to ask if there is anything you could do to really help get the word out there even more about this issue concerning all of us in the states that are affected by these laws.

First, those interested can read more about this issue here [Lez-Get-Real] and here [Lambda Legal].

I think this is another reason why marriage equality is so important. Gay relationships -- even between domestic partners -- are still not seen as equal to straight relationships, and they must be.

It's a horrible situation that same-sex couples must remain separated because they are not seen as viable partners. Immigration reform, along with marriage equality, should be at the top of the gay political agenda.

Hopefully those couples who are now separated can someday in the not-too-far future live proud lives together.

More on this issue and what you can do in a future post.

Are Married Homosexuals Butcher?

I hope this is not offensive. Is it true that gay men who for one reason or another marry and have children, maybe because they can't accept being gay, are more "macho" than gay men who are strictly gay. I mean is it easier for them to "pass " because they do, after all, get married -- so they can't be obviously gay or women would reject them. I probably haven't explained this well but I hope you understand what I'm driving at. Anon,

I understand what you're driving at, but I have to tell you that you're off base on this one.

I know it may seem strange that an effeminate, stereotypically gay man can marry a woman and even have children -- you wonder, what was she [the wife, that is] thinking? -- but it does happen. I have certainly seen many male-female couples where the husband seems a little bit "queeny" [that doesn't necessarily mean he's gay, of course]. The guy may be attracted to men but may not identify as gay, thinking of himself as bisexual or even straight.

There are a few theories as to why women marry men who seem gay. Some wives in this situation are closeted lesbians; others are so in love with the guy that they look past his femme exterior -- which they may like in any case -- and are in denial. Then there's the somewhat homophobic and/or unsophisticated response: he's a great guy and he fucks me so he can't be gay [as if a guy can't be a great guy if he's gay, or a basically gay guy can't possibly have sex with a woman]. The feminine guy they love is like a soul-mate, a boyfriend and best female friend rolled up into one.

Anyway, I think we've all had women introduce us to their husbands and boyfriends and think to ourselves: Sheesh -- can't she tell this guy is gay? On the other side of the butch-femme spectrum, on more than one occasion I've had women introduce me to guys who may not be obviously gay but that I've seen in gay bars or even been intimate with. Talk about awkward moments!

What I have to make clear is that it is not true that only "butch" or butcher gay men get involved with women. Nor is it true that men who are bisexual [at least in the technical sense in that they are attracted to men but have wives or girlfriends] are more masculine than men who are strictly gay. Again, many bisexual men are actually quite effeminate, and most of the strictly gay men I've met are pretty masculine. [And, while we're on the subject, men who are "tops" are not necessarily more masculine than guys who are "bottoms."]

In other words, there are no hard and fast rules. Confusing, maybe, but it keeps you on your toes!

Oops! Trick Has Fiancee

Dr. Bill, I'm in a bit of a mess. I'm a 28-year-old gay guy. I recently tricked with a guy around my age that I met in a gay bar. We had a very nice time, and the next morning he went out to get some donuts and coffee while I showered and got dressed. I heard a key in the lock and assumed it's him. Instead it's a young woman. She turns out to be the guy's fiancee. I hemmed and hawed as to who I was and how I knew "Barry." "Barry"came back with the donuts and immediately I saw the look on his face and could tell the fiancee had no clue he was into guys. I got out of there without having coffee, and left him to explain. Later he e-mailed me to say he really liked me and wanted to see me again, that he had thought he was bisexual but realized he was gay and was struggling to find a way to tell his fiancee and break things off with her. I don't know what to think. I would like to see him again, but not if the fiancee stays in the picture and not if he's all conflicted -- what a bore! What do you suggest I do? Anon.

You're right about one thing. Guys like this can be a big bore.

Tell the guy you're not interested in hearing from him until he's free of commitments -- and being engaged to someone is certainly a commitment!

Even then you'll have to get to know him a lot better before you can decide if he's the type of guy who is self-accepting enough to enter into a relationship with another man (besides sex, of course) -- or if he's one of these guys who needs to present a "straight" facade to the world --hence the fiancee.

I realize that at this point it's too soon for you to know if this man is someone you would seriously consider as a lover candidate, but the fact that you see this whole business as a "big mess" tells me that you already have certain feelings for him.

You don't need to get involved in this situation, especially if he's not going to be honest with the woman in his life. Why waste time trying to help him come out when ultimately he wants to stay in the closet and stick to guys on the "down low."

Tell him: get in touch when you're available and not before. You don't date guys who have girlfriends.

Tops and Condoms

Do "tops" have to wear condoms? Anon.

Yes. Bare-backing is not a good idea either for tops or bottoms. Although it certainly does not occur as often, there have definitely been cases of a top contracting HIV from a bottom partner.

In other words, use condoms whether you're a top, a bottom, or versatile.

Stay safe and have a great time!

Gay for Pay?

Is there really such a thing as "gay for pay?" Are there really straight hustlers, porn stars and so on?

No. I can't imagine any genuinely and totally heterosexual man who would have the slightest interest -- no matter how much he was paid -- in having sex with men either as a prostitute or for gay porn films.

These men are not straight. They are conflicted, guilt-wracked guys who have sex with other men because they are attracted to other men. Being paid for sex enables them to claim -- to themselves and others -- that they are really heterosexual. It is just a case of internalized homophobia, a "macho" hang up. They have sex with men because they want to. That is not being "straight."

Some hustlers think that gay men get some sort of kick out of being with a "straight" guy, so they try to play into the fantasy. There are even hustlers who bring their "girlfriends" into the hustler bar, these tough, generally unattractive, clueless gals who seem to think they have straight boyfriends. Duh!

No well-adjusted gay men wants or needs to have sex with a heterosexual man, as there are gay men to suit every taste.

There are porn movies, magazines and sites which cry out that they feature "straight" guys in gay sex scenes. These sites etc. pander to that old pre-Stonewall notion that somehow straight men are more desirable -- sexier or more masculine -- than gay men. It's a tired, dated notion that should have been set aside a long, long time ago. The producers of these sites are only exploiting the internalized homophobia of some homosexual males. I find them entirely homophobic, and wish they would all go out of business. [If that bothers some people, tough shit. And I'll have even more to say on this in a future post.]

I will always remember what porn star and producer Michael Lucas replied when he was asked if two of his "stars" in gay films were really heterosexual. I paraphrase, but he answered that the men lived straight lives [with wives and children] but that "whether they are in gay porn or straight porn they are equally enthusiastic." If you want to call guys like this bisexual, be my guest, but they are not straight.

It's a sad truth that even today there are men who live lives of complete denial, telling themselves and others [including the clueless girlfriends, who only exist to bolster their fragile male egos] that they are "straight" even while indulging in sex with men on a regular basis.

As Gay Men Get Older

What do you suggest that gay men should do to, so to speak, stay in the game, as they get older? I mean to maximize their attractiveness for dating, sex and so on? Anon.

Well, I'm not exactly a health and beauty consultant, but I'll give it a try.

The very first thing that comes to mind is to try and stay in shape. Yes, I know I've said in the past that big, even obese, guys have their admirers in the gay community, but in general most of these guys are big, tall men with large frames. They may be fat, but they are also husky. I'm not saying that "roly poly" chubby guys don't have admirers -- they do [we call them "chubby chasers"] -- but even they have a certain type of body shape. If you don't fall into either category -- big and husky or roly poly [and in some cases even if you do] it's probably a good idea to keep your weight down. The simple truth is that too much fat in the belly and face makes most men look older and less attractive. While this is not always the case, guys who look younger than their age are generally slender and more fit. [Of course there are younger guys looking for daddybears -- or at least sugar daddies -- who may not care how old you are or how old you look, but at the same time, let's get real ... Younger guys generally want younger guys.]

We're not necessarily talking about joining a gym and playing racquetball, but it's really not that difficult to watch what you eat and get a little exercise. A half hour routine of aerobics three or four times a week can do wonders if you also try not to overdo the fatty, high-calorie foods and rich desserts. This doesn't mean you can't indulge now and then, of course. And walking to the store instead of driving can also burn a lot of calories. Walking is a great exercise. Exercise also helps keep you healthy as you get older.

Then it's a question of taking a good look at yourself and maximizing your assets. If you're balding on top it's probably not a good idea to grow your hair long or affect a -- yuchh -- ponytail. Bald or balding guys should keep the hair short or shave it all off; it just looks better. Long side hair on a guy who's bald on top does not fool anybody into thinking he's younger. As for gray hair, some lucky guys look quite attractive with the "silver fox" look and others just look old: "graybeards." Decide which you are and don't be afraid of a little dye job if it's necessary. But don't overdo it. Senior citizens, for instance, should not have jet black hair as if they were in their twenties. A dye job may not have to look entirely natural [one of the most attractive looks I ever saw on a guy was a gray beard with a dark mustache, which was undoubtedly dyed] but it shouldn't be totally unnatural either.

Just as important as all of these is a positive attitude. If you think of yourself as being "over the hill," everyone else will, too.

Gays and Abuse

Are gay people more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, perhaps due to the discrimination they face? Anon.

Drug and alcohol abuse are so common in our society that I think it would be a mistake to state with certainty that one group or another suffers more from abuse for whatever reasons.

There have certainly been cases of conflicted, self-hating gay people who drink to excess or use drugs to deal -- or rather not deal -- with their denial, doubt and torment over their sexuality.

But we have to remember two things:

Straight people also abuse drugs and alcohol, and it's unlikely that conflicts over their sexuality are responsible [although aging and the sometimes corresponding loss of potency or attraction to the opposite sex may play a part]. Likewise, gay people may abuse drugs or alcohol for reasons that are entirely unrelated to their sexual orientation: romantic problems; career or financial issues; disappointments in life -- the usual things that plague most people, who -- as Thoreau put it -- lead "lives of quiet desperation."

In any case, I think it's safe to say that the well-adjusted, Out and Proud members of the Gay community are much less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol for reasons related to their sexuality.

Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay

I am a straight woman and I think my boyfriend is gay. Here are the reasons [assorted]. I am afraid to come right out and ask him. Can you help me? Numerous women.

I frequently hear from women who think that their boyfriends or even husbands might be gay. I've decided to post a few pointers for women in this situation.

1.) Just because your boyfriend likes the arts, musical theater, etc., doesn't make him gay. Just as there are countless gay men who couldn't care less about Broadway musicals, opera, or Judy Garland, there are many heterosexual men who are either artists themselves or are fans of the performing arts, even -- yes -- musicals.

2.) Your boyfriend isn't necessarily gay just because he's a little "soft" or even "girlish" or non-macho in some way. Just as the vast majority of gay men are actually masculine, there are cases of heterosexual men who are somewhat effeminate. Also being bad in bed is not a prerequisite for being gay. Some honest-to-goodness straight guys are lousy or inexperienced lovers, and there are gay men who are able to satisfy a woman [by using fantasy if nothing else].

3.) When straight people talk of having "gaydar" they usually mean that they pick up on stereotypical behavior -- which is hardly a feat. Many gay people have a more advanced type "gaydar" that is not always tangible or easy to explain. Just because the man in your life rings a few "stereotype" bells doesn't make him gay.

4.) If he supports gay rights, gay marriage, doesn't seem to have homophobic attitudes, this just may make him an open-minded secure straight guy. Consider yourself lucky.

5.) Here are some red flags:

a.) He visits gay porn or dating sites on a regular basis and has a profile on a gay dating/sex site.

b.) He sends or receives sex-oriented email from other men.

c.) He is virulently homophobic, almost obsessively so, always going on about "fags" and the like as if he's trying to cover up something. [He may be a repressed homosexual.]

d.) When you're out to dinner he spends more time looking at the handsome waiter than he does at you. Ogles good-looking guys at parties.

e.) He admits to having had homosexual relations -- or relationships -- in the past, but says he is "all over that" or that it is "no big deal." Homosexuality is not some "condition" that just goes away. This fellow may be suffering from self-hatred, trying to use you to become an "ex-gay" [which never works], or is flat out using you for a beard.

There was a time when I would have said, "if you think your boyfriend is gay he probably is" but sometimes women can jump the gun. [Bisexual advocates insist some men are genuinely bisexual, but if in their heart of hearts -- and gonads -- their preference is men, then to all intents and purposes they're gay.] One thing I can say with certainty is that if a man has had sex with men in the past, he ain't straight. Aside from being in prison and under highly unusual circumstances, straight men do not have sex with men, no matter what you've heard.

If you are convinced your boyfriend is gay, sit down and have a talk with him. It takes a very special person to help someone she loves comes out of the closet, knowing that it may forever end their romantic relationship. Remember not to "accuse" someone of being gay -- it's not criminal to be gay or even in the closet. You can't just tell someone they're gay, especially if they are repressed or deeply closeted and ashamed. But sometimes an honest discussion can lead to a positive result.

And for women who are sure that their husbands are gay, you can find support at the Straight Spouse Network.

Bi-curious Boyfriend?

Wondering if you can help. I consider myself to be a fairly open minded woman but have recently come to the realization that maybe I'm not. My problem is that I have been dating a great guy for the last six months. We have a great sex life and have no sexual issues. The other day my boyfriend left his email logged on and I started looking thru it. Yeah, yeah I know I shouldn't have invaded his privacy but I've got a few trust issues I'm working on. I found several emails that were from 3 years ago between him and another man and from a swinger couple. Of course I haven't confronted him with this and I probably won't but I'm wondering is it possible for a man to not be gay but have fantasies? Is there such a thing as someone who is curious, acted upon it and then not continued? I think he just had a few encounters. I'm just trying to decide if he could ever truly be satisfied with just me. I'm really not upset because we all have our secret fantasies. I've had fantasies of being with women just never acted upon it, I believe it is something we all secretly do. I could go on and on but I'm sure you know where I'm going with this. Thanks for you help. V

I wouldn't necessarily say that a heterosexual person could never indulge in homoerotic fantasies -- at least in a kind of "I wonder what it's like" sort of way -- but you seem to think that your boyfriend has gone way beyond that, which is a different story. I assume you base this on the emails he had with this man. A man whose had "a few encounters" with other men is not heterosexual.

Homosexuality isn't a phase or something you can switch on or off. Some men indulge in homosexual behavior and then stop not because they have lost these primal urges -- an attraction to other men -- but because they are giving in to feelings of shame or guilt; what we call "internalized homophobia." They want to lead a straight life without actually being straight. Some men like this repress their natural instincts -- which is not wise or healthy -- and others go on the "down low" for their homosexual encounters, hoping they will be discreet enough for the wife or girlfriend never to find out.

Bisexual advocates insist that some men are genuinely bisexual -- and your boyfriend would at the very least have to be put in this category -- but even then it's a question of which is his preference -- men or women? -- and if he's being entirely honest with himself about which it is. Some gay men go through a bisexual phase until they come to the honest conclusion that they are gay. If this happens early on it's one thing. If it happens after twenty years of marriage -- and this is not as uncommon as you might think -- that's another story.

I think women with bi, possibly gay, boyfriends have to get past this notion that their discomfort makes them narrow-minded or homophobic. It's a legitimate topic of concern. Who would want to marry a man who later comes out of the closet and needs to be with another man? What woman would want the man she loves to live a life of denial and dishonesty? Some women are just not comfortable with the fact that their boyfriends, gay or bi, are attracted to other men, just as most gay men are not comfortable with boyfriends who are [or at least say they are] attracted to women. [This is not misogyny or bigotry. It's just a turn off.]

While I would not suggest that you tell your boyfriend you were looking through his emails, you might on some occasion bring up the subject of swinging, bisexuality, etc when an opportunity arises. You might begin by admitting that you have fantasized about other women. [I'll let that pass for now because you were writing about your boyfriend.] It might lead into a frank and open discussion about his sexual orientation, or he might just give you a line of bull. Hopefully you know him well enough to be able to tell the difference.

A Gay Guy and the Gals

Very recently a girl I know told me that she felt something for me. I obviously shot her down since I've got a boyfriend [not all of my friends know about this; most are friends my boyfriend and I have in common]. She was surprised, and we talked it over. At first I thought it was just one of the many one-time things that occur in life until in a period of nine days two other [girl] friends of mine did the same, one of whom cried -- and this just borders on the ridiculous. I never got so much attention in such a short time before! I mean, does this simply confirm the stereotype that all girls like gay men? Or is it that they can somehow sense that I'm no longer available and that therefore makes me more attractive to them?

While it may be unusual that three people -- all women -- should declare their love for -- or at least their attraction to -- you in a two-week period or so, I don't know if it means that all or most women are attracted to gay men. It may just mean that you're an attractive fellow who isn't obviously gay -- you say you haven't told most of your friends that you're gay [maybe you should] -- so the girls don't know that you've got a fella. Since they clearly didn't realize that you were gay, it can't be this "attraction" women supposedly have for gay men that's responsible.

There are women who are drawn to gay men. They used to be called "fag hags," a term that is dated and offensive [to both women and gay men]. Some of these women have low self-esteem and feel gay men won't size them up and judge them the way straight men will. Others are women who haven't come to terms with their lesbianism and hang out with gay guys until they feel comfortable enough to be with gay women.

In any case, this really only means that you're a good-lookin' dude who is appealing to both men and women. Unfortunately for the ladies who like you, you play for the other team. They'll get over it.