Boyfriend is Drag Queen?

Well you probably don't remember but I contacted you earlier with some trouble about my boyfriend (a self-hating Christian); things are going well now -- I took your advice, so I talked to a friend who was also Christian, and he did help, but things sort of took a weird twist, and by weird I mean WEIRD. Well I didn't say before but he is very effeminate-looking, and from time to time he likes cross-dressing, I enjoy when he does this and help with his makeup and stuff; it's fun and I like the way he looks. At first it was just something we did behind closed doors you know, alone, but eventually a friend of ours walked in on him in a skirt. She didn't react negatively, in fact she kind of encouraged him, to the point of convincing him to take a couple of pictures posing like this. She says that they we're just for practice since she enjoys photography but, judging by how she is, those pictures might already have found their way onto the web. I was worried, but he was joyous, and aroused, and after some time in bed I forgot my worries until a bit later. A few days later I caught this friend and my boyfriend in the street, only he was wearing a skirt, a top and a small sweater. I freaked out since it wouldn't be nice if he stumbled into one of his friends that recognized him, or even worse, his parents, cos' if being gay wasn't enough I bet cross dressing will surely give his father a heart attack. I warned him but our friend simply said they were having fun; I usually could convince him but with our friend's support they convinced me to accompany them. I just looked around for someone we knew and nervously went around for the rest of the day. It was not fun and after we went back to his house I tried to talk him out of this, and just like the time of the photo shoot he used the one kind of argument I can't resist.

Now this wasn't long ago, and it's still going on, and I can't talk to him because we are either with company I can't discuss this in front of, or with our friend who somehow always manages to out talk me or alone where he can out tongue me... so he's pretty much got me on a short leash on this. I keep trying time after time to convince him but I can't and I know that doing this will eventually land him into trouble, bad trouble. I mean I haven't been around most of the time he does this but I've seen him getting complimented and flirted with, and this makes me jealous, and I have bounced a couple of guys but apparently when it's just him and our friend he does flirt with them, and this also makes me mad. I need to talk to him, but I don't really know how to proceed... by the next time I see him I very much need to snap him out of this mad stuff!

Final note: I talked this over with one of my more mature and smart friends, he said something that seemed very interesting, that he may do this in order to attract attention from men -- is this logical? Why do you think he does this?

Well, my best guess is he does this because he's a drag queen -- a gay man who's also a transvestite [someone who gets off on wearing women's clothing and/or in having a female persona.] Some drag queens feel a need to live most of their lives -- at least [in their opinion] their real lives -- as women. They are not transsexuals, as such [perhaps some are], but they do have a strong female identification.

I'm not entirely certain why this troubles you so much since you have no problem with him being effeminate. Of course, there's a big difference between a kind of "girlish" guy and a drag queen. Do you guys live in a small town? Are you afraid he (or both of you) might be gay-bashed [a problem he might face even when he's not in drag, as you say he's somewhat obviously gay]? Until both of you are comfortable with his cross-dressing, it might be better for him to do it at home or only in gay clubs. [Not bear or leather bars, however, LOL.]

If he's a bonafide, genuine transvestite, he can't help his feelings, and he shouldn't be ashamed of it, and don't help him feel ashamed. I mean, you say he's feeling better about being gay -- it sounds like he's anxious to smash the closet door right off of its hinges -- so don't turn around and give him a complex about being a cross-dresser!

Some gay men, after they come out, especially the more stereotypical members of our community, want everyone to know and go about it in the most flamboyant way possible, and I suppose this whole cross-dressing thing might just be a "gay" act he's putting on, trying to be as wild and "out" as he can be. It probably amuses him that it freaks you out.

On the other hand, he might be a legitimate "TV." A Christian drag queen? Why not? You can either deal with it or you can't.

As for wanting to attract attention from men? Well, most gay men are turned on by masculinity, not by guys in dresses, but there are exceptions. If for some bizarre and pointless reason he's trying to turn on straight guys, he's just asking for trouble, especially if he's convincing enough to pass for a "real" woman. Nothing gets a homophobic straight guy angrier than being turned on/flirted with by a woman who turns out to be a guy.

I suggest you sit down and talk with him and find out just how far he's into the drag scene, and how far into it he wants to go. Does he eventually want to live most of the time in female drag and with a female name and persona? The vast majority of gay men have absolutely no interest in dressing up in drag, but those who do really dive into it and some never come up for air. This just may be a phase for your boyfriend or it may be the real deal.

It doesn't make you a bigot if the drag thing becomes a turn off for you, but it may mean that this guy just ain't the right guy for you after all. But remember, there's nothing really wrong in being a transvestite or drag queen.

Gay Guy Likes Straight Guys

Hi, Dr. Bill

I need some serious advice please, if at all possible.

I am an openly gay male and have always found myself falling for straight men, I have done the same again recently.

It was completely unexpected this time as I have known him for a year and have never thought of him sexually. He has always had girlfriends, many in fact and they last on average 6 - 12 weeks; he has also been married.

Recently we all went out for drinks and met a couple of girls, he was attracted to one of them, they came back to his apartment and had a few drinks and then left. I stayed and said I would sleep on the sofa; he said no we can share his bed. Anyway cut a long story short we ended up spooning each other all night, nothing sexual happened although there were a few occasions when something could have, or so I think, it could be my over active imagination. Now I can't get this bloke out of my mind and it's driving me crazy. We text each other like nothing happened, but joked with friends the day after that we spooned all night

I had a really bad relationship 10 years ago and have never been able to hold down a relationship since. I am possessive and completely irrational when to comes to relationships; I didn't have a very good time growing up, shy, insecure bad relationship with father who basically made me feel like a piece of crap from a very young age, never thought much of myself etc etc etc. I have had counselling but I am still the same.

Why do I always fall for men I cannot have, almost to the point of obsession? I ain't getting any younger and if I continue like this I can see myself being single forever.

Any advice you can give me would be fantastic, anything at all.

Thanks & regards

Well, in a sense you've answered your own question. People who have low self-esteem, whatever the cause, generally wind up with the wrong people, for they feel deep down that they're not worthy of someone who might be more suitable for them. Falling again and again for inappropriate people is almost a form of emotional masochism. You need to stop punishing yourself for things you have no control over. If you have any issues over being gay, you have to realize that it's okay to be gay and it doesn't make you in the least unworthy of love.

Now I confess I'm a little confused about this business with spooning with the straight guy. Unless the couch was really uncomfortable I don't understand why he asked you to share the bed, even if he doesn't know that you're gay. I mean, I'm a gay guy, but I wouldn't ask another man, gay or straight, to share my bed unless I planned on having -- or wanted to have -- sex with him. Unless sex is involved, most people give unexpected guests the couch. Are you sure this guy is straight?

[Interjection: if by "spooning" you mean that the two of you basically cuddled together, that's one thing. The more archaic definition of "spooning" is basically "making out;" kissing. If that's what you were doing this guy ain't straight.]

Not to give you false hopes here, but you might -- in a joking fashion -- ask him why he insisted you share the bed [especially if he knows you're gay]. Is he bi-curious, you might ask. Ease into it with caution and sensitivity and you may get a surprise.

Then again, maybe the couch really is damn uncomfortable and he was too drunk to care who was in his bed. Or he might have been afraid you'd be offended if he insisted you take the couch, that you'd think he was intimating you'd come on to him.

But back to the main problem. Ask yourself if it's just coincidence that you keep falling for straight guys -- it happens to all of us now and then -- or do you seek them out? Would you prefer a less attractive straight man over a more attractive gay one? Do you resist relationships with other gay men? Is it their unavailability or merely the fact that they're straight?

Some gay men have an old-fashioned yen for supposedly heterosexual men, and it usually relates to those self-esteem issues. Because they feel inferior and are gay, they subconsciously feel all gay men are somehow inferior -- less than men -- and therefore they desire to be with a "superior" heterosexual man. You can see the problem, as in most cases a genuinely heterosexual man has absolutely no desire to be with a gay guy. "Straight" guys who have sex with men are either closet cases who live straight lives [with girlfriends, wives and children] or are at the very least bisexual; they aren't straight.

Since you say counseling hasn't done you any good, I would suggest putting yourself out there in the dating scene, using on-line sites to hook up with guys who are gay, who are attractive to you, and staying away from the straight guys and "bad boys." You deserve someone who will bring you happiness and not confusion and misery. There are plenty of nice, decent totally gay men out there who might make you the perfect partner. Try to curb that possessiveness -- until the fourth date, at least; it only scares people off. I recognize this is easier said than done, but it can be done with a little will power.

We all wind up falling for inappropriate guys [sheesh, I once developed an infatuation on a guy half my age who worked in a gay bar but insisted he was straight; talk about messed-up situations!] but the trick is to just refuse, no matter how difficult, to let it go too far. Your heart can go in directions that your head doesn't want to go, but sometimes you just have to say "this will not work" and move on.

Once you're convinced that this "spooning" character is really straight, get him out of your mind by pursuing the first gay guy who appeals to you and who seems to like you as well. It's great to have open-minded straight friends, but when it comes to sex and romance, always go gay.

I hope some of this has been of help to you. All the best!

Straight Gals with Gay Boyfriends

I have a friend who openly admitted that she knows her boyfriend is gay. They have been together 4 years on and off and he keeps on finding a way back into her life whenever they break up. Well this guy has been caught trying to hook up with an online guy pal. He admitted to being at least bi, then a year later he said that he wasn't like that anymore. He says he is straight now. He's obviously gay, not to mention his very feminine attitude and taste in fashion. So why is she with him, why does he want her to be his gf so badly? Did I mention they never had sex and the one time they tried (in 4 years) he couldn't perform? He takes money from her, never goes on one on one dates and is an over all bad "boyfriend." -- P.

The answer for both of these sad individuals is: desperation.

He's a self-hating homosexual man who can't accept himself and needs a girlfriend to "prove" to people that he's straight. He probably also has trouble holding down a job.

She's a woman of very low self-esteem who wants a boyfriend -- even if he's gay and even if she has to pay to keep him around. [Sometimes women like this are repressed or closeted lesbians and therefore don't care if their boyfriend has sex with them or not.] The fact that she seems to support him is very telling. Some gay men will be all too happy to live/sleep with a woman -- especially if the sexual demands are not too great -- if the woman is paying all the bills. These men, of course, are not Out and Proud, well-adjusted gay guys. In fact, both of these people have serious self-esteem issues.

While effeminacy and a good fashion sense [especially the latter] aren't always signs of homosexuality in men, this guy has admitted to an attraction to men in the past. A person can't change his orientation, so when he says he "isn't like that anymore" he simply means he is repressing his natural instincts. Men like this are often called "ex-gays:" they're still homosexual, of course, but they try to interact strictly with women, live a "straight" life -- generally with disastrous results.

If these two people want to be loving friends, that's one thing, but their relationship right now is simply one of denial. Both of them could benefit from counseling and therapy so that they can feel better about themselves. If the woman in this situation really loves this man, she'll do her best to help him come out of the closet and find a healthy self-acceptance.

And she needs to realize that buying a man's affection never works, and that no woman can change a gay man into a straight one. Hopefully both of these individuals will come to their senses and try to find more realistic and positive relationships in the future.

Gay/Bi Guys Who Cheat on Their Gals

I received this comment in regards to my post on "Perpetrating Fraud?":

I agree that when a closet gay or (supposed "bisexual) does not tell his partner he is sexually confused, doesn't tell her thinks he's "bi" or might be gay, but lives with her for years, is DEFRAUDING her. While some guys may sex [have sex with] both men and women, I disagree with the term “bisexual.” I believe that those who use that word to describe themselves use it to “feed-forward” to society and the world that it’s okay to sex both men and women, when, in actuality, I’ll bet that most of those who call themselves “bi” are SEXUALLY CONFUSED from having been raped as children, and they want to “re-live” their sexual abuse (“purge” if you will) their experience onto their adult female partners. I think this was the case with my ex of many years. He hid his “other side” from me until the very end, and it was SICK, DEMENTED, ABUSIVE behavior. No. I believe the only TRUE “bisexuals” are hermaphrodites..those born with BOTH sets of sex organs, and think that others who try to “promote” the THEORY of bisexuality want to make it SEEM like their SICK, SEXUAL IDENTITY CONFUSION is “normal”. It’s NOT normal. My ex was a “bottom”, too, I think. In my 9th year with him, he joined a swingers’ site, advertising himself as BI (or bi-curious, but he clearly indicated “BI”), seeking BI sex. His first wife and I had a conversation, finally. She told me he wanted her to “reverse” sex roles with her, for her to be the GUY, and wear a STRAP-ON. Of course, she didn’t comply. One time, he donned one of my wigs and underwear. THAT should have been my BIG PINK FLAG to get out. I just thought he was being silly at the time. He also told me that when he was age 12, his gay male cousin, at age 15, had oral sex with him; that would be enough to mess anyone up in the head, for the rest of his/her life. He cheated on BOTH wives, and both OTHER women, besides them, with whom he lived. After all was said and done, he even tried to project that I was lesbian (I’m not), and I believe he just wanted me as SEXUALLY CONFUSED as he is/was. I am thoroughly SICK of these DOWN-LOW males..won’t call them “men”…just SICK freaks. According to what I’ve read on DDHG and womansavers.com, most of them are GIGOLOS, too. Don’t believe me? See my profile on womansavers.com, for [deleted]. I also disagree with Gay Dr. Bill when he says that marriages can work if bisexuality is a "known" before the marriage. I think that can work only if the man and woman have agreed for her to be a "beard", or if they both are, in reality, swingers.

Okay, there's a lot to deal with here, so I'll get right to the main stuff.

It's obvious that you had a long-time relationship with a man who turned out to be gay or bisexual in his behavior, and who cheated on you on a pretty constant basis. As you know, I disapprove of men -- whether they are, or think they are, gay, bi, whatever -- who do not disclose their same-sex attractions to the women they date or marry. In fact, after forty years of the modern day Gay Rights movement, I'm pretty sick of this type of behavior and the people it hurts -- the women used as beards, and the men who live in a closet and who can't come to terms with their own sexuality.

That being said, there are some things that I find a touch troubling with your post. This is not the time or place to go into a long discussion on the ins and outs, realities and myths, of bisexuality, or what sometimes passes for same, but I don't know if bisexual behavior -- that is, people sleeping/getting involved with members of both sexes -- can be linked to childhood sexual abuse. In cases of phony or ersatz bisexuality, it's more likely that the individual can't accept their essentially homosexual nature, so they cling to a "normal" heterosexual relationship or marriage while seeking out the partners they really want on, as you call it, the down low. Undoubtedly, there are people who identify as bisexual who are confused as to their sexuality, working it out until they feel comfortable being gay. It would be wrong to assume that someone who is genuinely bisexual is "sick" or "maladjusted" as it would be to assume that about someone who is gay.

[For the record, it is unlikely that hermaphrodites of the type you mention actually exist. The modern-day term for such people is intersexed, and they do not have both male and female sexual organs, but rather a commingling of both. The parents decide -- via surgery -- which sex the child will be, and when that child is an adult he or she can decide to stay that way or change their sex again via surgery.]

I am also troubled by your talk of "sick" and "demented" behavior. While I understand your outrage that your man was cheating on you and lying to you about himself, it doesn't mean that the homosexual activities he indulged in were in any way depraved. You might find them repellent, but that doesn't make them in any way perverse. Remember it is society's negative attitudes about homosexual behavior that often drive men like the guy you're mad at into the closet [not that this necessarily excuses them].

As for down-low gay/bi guys being gigolos, well, there are an awful lot of genuinely heterosexual men who live off women as well -- I wouldn't say it's just a gay or bi thing, would you? We have to remember there are a lot of married [to women] homosexual men who have been good providers for their wives and children regardless of their true sexual feelings and identities. And there have been many cases of men who get married, then accept that they are gay, continuing to provide for their families even after they get divorced and find a male partner.

Okay. You got stuck with a stinker. But maybe your next romantic adventure will be with a man who is honest and good.

Fisting

Some years ago I had the opportunity to fist a really sweet guy during a one night stand. It was awesome. More recently, I had a fuck buddy who was into leather and showed fisting videos while we were having hot sex. The leather and the fisting porn really got me hot. I am interested in both top and bottom fisting. How do I initiate myself into the nyc fisting scene? Anon.

Just for those who are new to "fist-fucking" or fisting, it is a type of anal sex in which a hand is used for penetration instead of a penis or dildo. One doesn't actually make a fist, but gathers their fingers into a kind of beak, I'm told.

Sometimes people approach me in bars thinking I am into fisting because of my shaved head look and so on. I'm not into the scene. I've heard that it can be dangerous if not carefully practiced, but I'm definitely not judging those who are into it. Different strokes! [I've also been told that fisting is not strictly a gay practice.]

As for the New York fisting scene, you could approach people in places like the Eagle on 28th Street and see if anyone can give you this information. Or you can go directly to the web sites of such leather/fetish groups for men such as Iron Guard BC [Brotherhood Club] and Gay Male S/M Activists. I would suggest using their contact emails to get the information you're looking for. At the very least they should be able to direct you to people who can guide you in the direction you want to go. I'm sure you can get hlepful advice from members of the leather/fetish/kink community.

Sleepytime Oral Sex

I always read your blog and have once before asked you a question. . . which by the way was very helpful. [Thank you -- Bill]. Here's my new question for you:

For the past two years now I have been seeing a guy that I am very much in love with. Our relationship is going great and our sex life is well; since meeting him I feel like I am discovering sex for the first time. (I was married before to a woman for ten years; she was a great woman but sex never thrilled me). Anyway the other day I was talking to a friend of mine (he is gay also) and the topic came around to sex. I mentioned that we have the hot and heavy times but then we also have times where I just go down on him and I have literally spent 3-4 hours [wow!] just snuggled between his legs giving him oral pleasure. There have been times we both get so relaxed we have fallen asleep. Even at times I have woken up and his penis is in my mouth so I just continue. He enjoys this. I enjoy it. These times are very fulfilling to us. My friend was shocked saying that it was weird that I would do this. I thought he was actually kidding me but the conversation ended quickly with him leaving angry. I guess what I am wondering is . . . Is what I do with my partner so uncommon among gay couples? Or is this friend just way out there. It's not like this is all we do. We have the quickies and the bang sessions it's just these other times just seem so nice and relaxed. Is gay sex just meant to be focused on one thing and it's over? Your thought please. T.

Falling asleep during sex certainly isn't uncommon, especially if one or both partners is exhausted, up way past their bedtime, or -- in some cases -- has been partying a little too much. Or simply because, as you put it, they're very relaxed and comfortable. Guys often fall asleep because they've had too much to drink, but this isn't always the case. And in the situation you describe it's certainly not uncommon that two lovers who are very comfortable with each other might fall asleep in each other's arms, or even in the middle of some oral sex.

If your lover isn't angry that you fall asleep [I can imagine some guys getting insulted, saying that sex with them must bore you if you go to sleep], then I don't understand why your friend is ticked off, especially as you've told him that you have the usual hot sessions where both you and your guy are wide awake. It's perfectly acceptable for a gay sex session to consist primarily or exclusively of one guy giving head to the other. I mean, if both men are enjoying it, what's the problem?

I think your friend's problem is that he has a limited notion of what constitutes good sex. For him, he may be bored in the bedroom unless there's anal interplay or something he finds more exciting. Why he gets angry is perplexing. Some people want you to agree absolutely with them or they get ticked off.

Or maybe he's just upset that your boyfriend has a lover who will suck his dick for four hours and he doesn't!

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

I know you place tremendous value on your time so I'll be brief. I am an Iraq war veteran and I would like to submit the following article for you to use on your website so that people can hear a real veteran's view of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and we can help spread the word.
best, Michael


Why not? Here's the piece:

Don’t Ask…Ahh…Too Late

"My name is Michael Anthony, I am an Iraq war veteran and having spent six years in the Army, at the age of twenty-three, I have spent more than a quarter of my life in service to this country. I have four older brothers and an older sister, all of whom have been in the military: Air Force, Marines and Army. My father and both my grandfathers were in the military.

Hailing originally for a small sheltered town just south of Boston Massachusetts, I say this in all earnestness: the only gay people I know have all been in the military. This is not a joke or some talking point, it’s literal. Generals, Commanders and Civilians can talk all they want, but the fact of the matter is, the only gay friends I've had have all been in the military, in fact, my only experience of gay people (outside of the military) is when I once watched an episode of the TV show Will and Grace (it was kind of funny). [Watching Will and Grace is not "experiencing" gay people, but rather dumb caricatures of gay people -- interjection from Dr. Bill.]

For the policy known as DADT, there is one thing people often forget. People forget that the policy doesn’t preclude gay people from entering the military it just precludes them from talking about their homosexuality. In short, someone can be gay in the military; they just can’t talk about being gay in the military.

If people are already in the military and gay—from my former unit alone I know close to a dozen—what is it that people are afraid will happen with the repeal of DADT? Are people afraid that the day after DADT is rescinded gay soldiers are going to walk in wearing a feather boa and buttless fatigues? [Incredibly, there are people who are opposed to gay men in the military because they actually believe every gay man is a "swishy" stereotype whose wrist is too limp to lift a weapon.] The uniform policy will still be in effect so we can cross that option out. Are people afraid that it’s going to hurt troop morale? The Military suicide rate is at a thirty year high having consistently risen for the past five years, with eighteen veterans killing themselves everyday (according to the VA) so it seems like it can’t get any worse.

With everything said, there is a negative aspect to repealing DADT [at least for straight guys.] Having been in the military all my adult years, my peer group is filled with Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans. Several of these war veterans having done two or three tours, have sworn that they will never go back to Iraq or Afghanistan. Upon further questioning on how they plan to get out deployment if called, their answer is simple: “don’t ask, don’t tell;” expounding further, they say that if they’re called up, they will simply kiss a member of the same sex—in front of their commander. So how is repealing DADT going to affect the military? The answer is simple…my friends who jokingly suggested using DADT as a way to get out of a deployment are now stuck going to Iraq or Afghanistan. [Well ... a kiss is just a kiss. Maybe all-out making out with another guy in front of the commander might get them bounced out of the Army -- but then they're probably gay to begin with!]

And please don’t even get me started on the escapades that go on overseas. But hey, what happens in Iraq stays in Iraq…ahh not quite." [Well, you've got the subject for your next book.]

Michael Anthony is the author of MASS CASUALTIES: A Young Medic’s True Story of Death, Deception and Dishonor in Iraq (Adams Media, October 2009). The book is drawn from the personal journals of Anthony during the 1st year he spent serving in Iraq. It is a non-partisan look at some of the escapades that go on behind the scenes in Iraq.

The book has gotten some very good reviews.

Thanks for your input, Michael. It's interesting that I have met gay men who are opposed to repealing DADT -- or at least don't want gay men in the Army -- because they don't want gay men to be sucked into or used by the "military-industrial complex" the way, in their opinion, straight guys are. For political reasons they don't see being in the military as a worthy goal. While I understand their viewpoint, I am in favor of repealing DADT. It's another step toward acceptance, and to reminding the world of the diversity of the gay community. I'm not saying I would have ever wanted a career in the military, but it certainly should be an option to openly gay men who are interested in it.

Trendsetter?

Ok, Dr Bill, this is an admittedly loaded question and maybe a little off-topic but I believe you are a very fashionable trendsetter. What I'm asking is: have you noticed that, in "From Paris with Love," John Travolta has completely stolen your look? What do you make of that?

Well, I think Travolta [pictured] has never looked better! [For the record, I started shaving my head completely after the photos for this blog were taken]. But the last thing I am is a "fashionable trendsetter," although I appreciate the compliment.

I love the "cueball" look. [Although one fellow somewhat grumpily told me that the term cueball can only be used for guys with smooth faces, not mustaches, beards, or goatees. I don't care. I still call this the "cueball" look.]

What I find bizarre is that this look is now being affected even by guys who aren't losing, or haven't lost, their hair. I see cueballs in their twenties, for crying out loud! Why shave your head when you've got a full head of hair? Although, like I say, I do admire a shaved head!

Now the question is -- is this a "gay" look or not? The shaved head became popular with Yul Brynner, or at least he was the first celebrity to sport one. Brynner, to my knowledge, was not gay, however. Did gay men take up the banner for this look first, or was it just edgier guys, gay and straight?

Opinions, anyone?

Worse than a Homophobe?

I received this comment for my post Why Gay Men Marry Women. Since it's quite long and raises some interesting questions, I decided I would answer it on a new post. The comments are in italics, my interjections are in bold, and I"ll wrap things up at the end.

From "rick lee y:"

It's no secret that these kinds of marriages have been around forever. It's silly to assume that just because someone comes out the guilt, shame and all negative thoughts, feelings and actions associated with gay life end there. You're absolutely right about that, which I believe I said right in the post you're responding to, as well as elsewhere. To a small minority within the minority it might be impossible for them to empathize with those who don't flip the denial switch automatically whenever you do something profound in life. The cost never talked about for such an act like outing yourself is that family and friends often times need time to deal with it as well. I think this is actually talked about a lot. Forcing the issue without regard for anyone's feelings or points of view on the subject that isn't the expected "I'm happy for you" is pretty much guaranteed to permanently damage or kill long standing personal relationships. So what's the alternative? Staying in the closet and being miserable? Sure everyone wants the big happy rainbow filled coming out of 110% acceptance but many people often deal with terrible unforeseen consequences to their personal relationships they once thought were solid and reliable. It has damaged or destroyed that connection leaving them feeling much worse about themselves. But the other side of the coin is that once they are out of the closet, these people who are left with shattered old relationships can build new relationships within the community. Plus not everyone who comes out goes through the situation you're describing, especially nowadays. You can blame "homophobic society" and the everything else in the world. That instant instability in one's personal and family life can lead to profound and severe depression often leading to other destructive behaviors as a coping mechanism. But you're ignoring the fact that most people come out to family and friends after they've come to terms with their sexuality, therefore there is no "instant instability." But because it has to do with being gay and coming out all those issues are ignored and replaced with campy, topical and cliched anecdotes that are a product of gay pop culture and nothing more. No, these "anecdotes" are not a "product" of gay pop culture but the result of more and more gay people accepting that it's okay to be gay, and that there is nothing wrong, immoral, or abnormal about homosexuality. You are terribly uninformed. Gays will have to accept that at times they will be unaccepted. Actually, I think most of us are aware of that, but what's wrong with trying to change things? Thanks to political correctness this issue has moved away from those it directly affects and has been handed over to politicians to legislate our lifestyle into acceptance. You just don't have the facts. Today's gay activists work with politicians to change not only legislature but attitudes; nobody has just "handed" things over to politicos. So, Dr. Bill, it would be nice to see you accept those gays in kindness who aren't just like you instead of this harsh and catty [stereotype alert!] judgment because not 100% of those who come out feel good about doing so. You seem unaware that the very idea of Coming Out -- becoming an Out and Proud Gay Individual -- is to acknowledge and celebrate one's sexuality and acceptance of same. Yet I will grant you that there are those who come out before they are ready, or still harbor [sometimes unacknowledged] negative feelings. Gays like you are actually worse than homophobic people oh come on now! since you cast away those whom you say you identify with based on some topical and unimportant assessment you probably got wrong to begin with. I'm sure you think you're making sense here but you're not. I know truth and the gay life are never supposed to mix what on earth are you talking about? but you have to put up with gays like me who keep self-inflated moral judges [judgments] in check. Oh really? Your personal life is littered with hookups and missed opportunities and regrets is this me you're talking about or yourself? Even if you've met me believe me you obviously don't know me which you make up for by having an over active activism hobby [gay activism is no "hobby"]that is clearly steeped in denial as you will support the gay agenda [?] no matter how illogical or unfair the fight becomes. It's not fun feeling judged is it? As an openly gay man no doubt I'm judged every day, whereas closet cases generally avoid this. So in conclusion I do see why you would write the point of view you did, you are a gay agenda sympathizer At least you're not calling me a "commie sympathizer" -- or is that next? who has no empathy for others who struggle with the pain and fallout of a coming out that doesn't go like it does on Logo. Just don't be so out of touch with the reality of what gays are actually doing and feeling by getting overly busied with this militant gay agenda that has lost touch with the average gay guy or girl it says it supports. According to who? Thanks.


You're welcome. First I think you should take a look at my piece on self-hating homos on my brother blog jatgab, if you haven't already. I have a feeling you'll be able to identify with the portrait I paint of people like you or the people you profess to know so much about.


Look, I'm sorry you -- or your friends or patients, or what-have-you -- have issues with your sexuality, are uncomfortable being gay and so on. A post on this blog went into why some gay people feel this way, and you might find it helpful.


But I'm not going to apologize for not feeling the way you or your friends do. I am not going to apologize for having been a gay activist and for trying to a.) help people feel better about themselves, getting past society's uninformed and wrong-headed prejudice and b.) trying to make things better in general for all gay people. Frankly, I think all gay activists should be thanked for it, but I suppose that's too much to expect.


As for people like you -- well, I have tried to be compassionate and understanding and I do accept the fact that not everyone is as strong as those of us who are Out and Proud, and some people just don't have the courage to be just a little bit unconventional. But, my friend, it is not 1950 anymore. It is not even 1970 or 1980. Attitudes have changed. And while there is still a great deal of misunderstanding and prejudice -- and obviously a lot of self-hatred -- it is also time to acknowledge that the dinosaurs no longer walk the earth and Gay Pride has been around for decades. What with gay marriage on the horizon, gays adopting kids, and so on, it won't be long before even conventional people will feel comfortable being gay.


I have met a number of people like you and have, in my way, tried to talk with and help them, but invariably I am met with hostility [You even go so far as to say I am worse than a homophobe!]. Self-hating gays almost always hate the Out and Proud, and I don't think I need to go into the obvious reasons why. We're happy, you're not -- and that's a shame, but aside from telling you it's okay to be gay, what more would you have me do when confronted with the usual steel wall of [self-] contempt? I can't force you to feel better about yourself, but perhaps a counselor or therapist might do you some good?


[Or jeez, perhaps you are a therapist who thinks he's sticking up for the self-hating gay person or the supposedly "straight" guy who continuously pursues men for sex -- if so, it's definitely a case of the blind leading the blind! If "pursuing the gay agenda" means that I want all homosexuals to stop denying their nature, both literally and figuratively, and be happy and fulfilled, then I am definitely pursuing a gay agenda and I'm damn proud of it. We should not encourage people to stay in the closet and continue to feel ashamed because they might lose current support networks -- we should encourage them to feel good about themselves so they can build new support networks.]


I don't think you know what gay activists are about, nor do you know what's on the mind of the "average" gay man or woman [if there is such a thing, as we're a pretty diverse bunch]. I think you feel you are so disconnected from and/or above "gay culture" -- for which you feel contempt -- that your knowledge of and opinions about same are simply uneducated at best or downright homophobic at worst. You undoubtedly have few gay friends; maybe not many friends at all.


I don't know the exact reasons for your bitterness, but I can't imagine that it's easy to live with. You're gay, you can't change it, and there's nothing wrong with it.

Once you accept that, life will be much easier for you, and you'll stop thinking of me -- and gay activists in general, who are only trying to help -- as the enemy.

Gay Men and Disco?

Why are all gay men into disco regardless of age? Anon.

LOL, do you mean the age of the gay man or the age of the disco record?

To my knowledge -- which is considerable -- most gay men these days are not into disco. Even back in the days when disco was popular, not every gay man was into disco. Just like not every gay man is into opera or into show tunes. Some like jazz, rap, big bands, what-have-you. Some gay guys don't care for music at all.

I've no doubt there are gay men today who fondly remember the disco era -- and perhaps their youth -- and still enjoy listening to their collection of disco records now and then.

Okay, when the Tramps [or was it Trammps?] came out with their record Where the Happy People Go -- I believe that was one of the first big disco hits, but don't quote me -- it was widely assumed that "Happy" meant Gay, but it could also have been Happy meaning Happy. My recollection is that plenty of straight people went to discos back in the day.

I'm old enough to remember "Body Contact Contract" and Donna Summer's "Try Me." [Of course I was just a wee babe at the time! I was always the cutest little kid at the disco!]