Tuesday, April 12, 2011
A Film to Help Fund a Fight Against Cancer
Bill, I'm looking for help publicizing my friend's fight with cancer. I'm looking to raise funds for her medical expenses through sales of the film she produced. Here's the story: http://www.backpagemovie.com/blog/ All funds from the sale of the film go to her treatment. Oh, and the film's pretty fun, too. Thanks, Richard This film will help a lesbian sister with her medical expenses in her fight against cancer. Please check out the web site and buy the DVD. Thanks, readers. Bill
Love at First Wink
Dear Dr. Bill, My fiance and I are fighting for marriage equality. We created a website, LoveAtFirstWink.com (I winked on Match.com and we fell in love!), that's filled with resources, articles, organizations, and ways to fight for marriage equality and support the freedom to marry. It also includes our stories and photos so we can put a real couple to the face of marriage equality, not just judges and politicians. Our current initiative is to campaign to become the first same-sex couple to win a national wedding contest. The contest we've entered is the Crate&Barrel Ultimate Wedding. Currently we are the #1 LGBT couple and we stand in 2nd place out of 7,000+ entries. GLAAD has written about us: http://bit.ly/dEajV9 Freedom To Marry has too: http://bit.ly/ey6VDw We are contacting you for your support and endorsement. We'd like to see if there is a way we can work together to promote our cause. Please visit our website http://www.loveatfirstwink.com or go directly to our entry: http://www.loveatfirstwink.com/vote This won’t work without your help. We need votes to get the media attention marriage equality deserves. Sincerely, Robbie & Allen Founders www.LoveAtFirstWink.com Hey, guys. You've got my vote! And my support and endorsement. Gay couples should be able to marry in every state of the union and get all the benefits of marriage that straight couples enjoy [domestic partnership is not enough]. Readers, please check out their web site. Bill
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Counting Yourself Out
At what point should a gay man hang up his spurs and accept that his sexual life is behind him? Isn't it better to face reality than to force rejection over and over again? What do you think? Depressed.
The answer to that question depends on the individual, and it isn't just gay men who have to contemplate that dangerous reality as they get older. Nowadays older people of all persuasions are having longer erotic lives, which is all for the better. A lot also depends on such factors as whether or not one is in a relationship and if it's getting harder or impossible to find what you're looking for.
Obviously, unless he's in an open relationship, a man with a life partner's only concern is to, ahem, keep the home fires burning. I assume you're single, and -- as we say -- of a certain age. But remember that nowadays thanks to the Internet and sites like silver daddies and daddyhunt -- as well as a change in attitudes [in part brought about by the bear movement, which says that a man needn't be young, slender or handsome to be attractive or even sexy to others] the age of desirability has been extended. Men in their sixties and older are going out on dates and yes, getting laid! [And remember there are younger men -- non-hustlers -- who are attracted to older guys.]
I would say to anyone who feels that it's time to pack it in when it comes to cruising and/or Internet dating -- give it a little more time. Everyone has a dry spell now and then and when you get older that dry spell can sometimes last a long time [but not always]. Be realistic in who you go after, taking an equally realistic appraisal of yourself. You may no longer be -- may have never been -- some handsome hunk or porn star type, but that doesn't mean you're not somebody's type. As men age, we sometimes have to adjust to the fact that our partners will age as well. And what's wrong with that? [This is directed at guys who insist on only dating much younger men -- big mistake!] If a man is rejected "over and over again," maybe he's approaching the wrong men, or should set his sights a little lower.
Every man and woman, gay or straight, on the planet will eventually reach a point or age [and it's unique for each individual] when they can no longer attract sex partners of any kind, but even then a person can have a rewarding life of culture, friendship, and fun -- only of a differing variety. But don't rush things. Some guys count themselves out way too early and never know what they're missing!
And there's always that old standby -- five finger exercise!
So, Depressed -- don't be depressed. Even after the sexual age is over, there's still a lot of life to be lived!
The answer to that question depends on the individual, and it isn't just gay men who have to contemplate that dangerous reality as they get older. Nowadays older people of all persuasions are having longer erotic lives, which is all for the better. A lot also depends on such factors as whether or not one is in a relationship and if it's getting harder or impossible to find what you're looking for.
Obviously, unless he's in an open relationship, a man with a life partner's only concern is to, ahem, keep the home fires burning. I assume you're single, and -- as we say -- of a certain age. But remember that nowadays thanks to the Internet and sites like silver daddies and daddyhunt -- as well as a change in attitudes [in part brought about by the bear movement, which says that a man needn't be young, slender or handsome to be attractive or even sexy to others] the age of desirability has been extended. Men in their sixties and older are going out on dates and yes, getting laid! [And remember there are younger men -- non-hustlers -- who are attracted to older guys.]
I would say to anyone who feels that it's time to pack it in when it comes to cruising and/or Internet dating -- give it a little more time. Everyone has a dry spell now and then and when you get older that dry spell can sometimes last a long time [but not always]. Be realistic in who you go after, taking an equally realistic appraisal of yourself. You may no longer be -- may have never been -- some handsome hunk or porn star type, but that doesn't mean you're not somebody's type. As men age, we sometimes have to adjust to the fact that our partners will age as well. And what's wrong with that? [This is directed at guys who insist on only dating much younger men -- big mistake!] If a man is rejected "over and over again," maybe he's approaching the wrong men, or should set his sights a little lower.
Every man and woman, gay or straight, on the planet will eventually reach a point or age [and it's unique for each individual] when they can no longer attract sex partners of any kind, but even then a person can have a rewarding life of culture, friendship, and fun -- only of a differing variety. But don't rush things. Some guys count themselves out way too early and never know what they're missing!
And there's always that old standby -- five finger exercise!
So, Depressed -- don't be depressed. Even after the sexual age is over, there's still a lot of life to be lived!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Close-mouthed Male Friend
I have a male friend that identifies as being bisexual (he has only told me this), however, he has been living with a male "roommate" for many years. I want to have a good friendship with him, but I feel as if he is not really bisexual, to me he is gay. I've told him on more than one occasion that his sexual preferences make no difference to me, I like him just as he is. I feel like I have shared so much of my own personal life with him, yet he is so closed with me. I haven't met any of his other friends, nor have I met his roommate. Basically, I feel like we are at a roadblock. If he cannot open up to me and share of himself, then maybe we shouldn't be friends? I am having a really hard time understanding him, and the last thing I want to see is the friendship to end. Is there something more I need to say or do to help him open up?
Thanks!
P.S.
We've been friends for over a year now.
You haven't identified yourself as male or female, gay or straight, but since you don't indicate any romantic feelings for the guy I guess it doesn't make any difference. It does seem odd that you say you've been friends with the man yet you've never met his roommate [who could be just a roommate and roommates aren't always friends, hence no introduction] or any of his other friends. It may be that he has a good time in your company and doesn't feel a need to bring in other people or the two of you may share interests that his other friends don't share.
As for whether he's bi or gay, many gay people identify as bi for a certain period in their lives, and this may be the case with him. Again, unless you are a woman with romantic feelings for the man, his true sexual orientation shouldn't be a problem.
It's true that part of friendship is sharing your personal feelings with one another, but some people are simply more private than others. You can't expect someone to open up to you if that's not their style just because you've opened up to them. You've told him you don't care about his preferences or personal life, so if he chooses not to go into them with more detail, that's his choice. If he always avoids giving answers to your questions, that's a sign that for some reason he's not comfortable talking about it with you or possibly with anyone.
You might casually ask if his roommate is actually his lover, and see what kind of reaction you get. Don't end the friendship if you enjoy his company; as time goes by he may open up to you much more.
Thanks!
P.S.
We've been friends for over a year now.
You haven't identified yourself as male or female, gay or straight, but since you don't indicate any romantic feelings for the guy I guess it doesn't make any difference. It does seem odd that you say you've been friends with the man yet you've never met his roommate [who could be just a roommate and roommates aren't always friends, hence no introduction] or any of his other friends. It may be that he has a good time in your company and doesn't feel a need to bring in other people or the two of you may share interests that his other friends don't share.
As for whether he's bi or gay, many gay people identify as bi for a certain period in their lives, and this may be the case with him. Again, unless you are a woman with romantic feelings for the man, his true sexual orientation shouldn't be a problem.
It's true that part of friendship is sharing your personal feelings with one another, but some people are simply more private than others. You can't expect someone to open up to you if that's not their style just because you've opened up to them. You've told him you don't care about his preferences or personal life, so if he chooses not to go into them with more detail, that's his choice. If he always avoids giving answers to your questions, that's a sign that for some reason he's not comfortable talking about it with you or possibly with anyone.
You might casually ask if his roommate is actually his lover, and see what kind of reaction you get. Don't end the friendship if you enjoy his company; as time goes by he may open up to you much more.
Yet another gal with possibly gay boyfriend
I recently met a guy who is about 6 years older than me and proclaimed he is looking for a real relationship and marriage. He talks a good game about what a great guy he is and he knows how to treat a lady, no problem with paying the bills, blah blah blah. But I truly suspect that he is gay. He says things like he's tired of giving himself to someone and having it go nowhere. He also texted me pictures of himself that I can't see any straight man having ever sent. Lastly he never talks about sex. I threw a few innuendos out there like a fisherman casting a net... Trying to give him the opportunity to come clean but he totally avoids it. Is it rude to ask him out right, before this goes any further, I have suspicions about you being gay, are you?
Frankly, nothing you've said about the guy necessarily adds up to his being gay or raises any red flags with me. You don't describe the photos, but nowadays even straight guys pose for and send out sexy pictures of themselves. Straight men can also "give of themselves" to women and wind up heartbroken. It may simply be that this guy is different from other straight guys that you've dated who may have had commitment phobia or otherwise been insensitive.
Rather than flat out asking him if he's gay you can at least get his attitudes toward the subject by casually mentioning a gay friend, talking about gay marriage or gays in the military, starting a discussion on the subject. Make it clear you have no problem with gay people [I hope you don't] because if he is gay he probably won't come out to you. A virulently homophobic man is often hiding something, which could be repressed homosexual feelings or some other feelings of inadequacy.
If all else fails you can laugh and tell him "I've never met a straight guy like you before. You're not gay, are you, ha, ha?"
You might find this post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay helpful. Good luck.
Frankly, nothing you've said about the guy necessarily adds up to his being gay or raises any red flags with me. You don't describe the photos, but nowadays even straight guys pose for and send out sexy pictures of themselves. Straight men can also "give of themselves" to women and wind up heartbroken. It may simply be that this guy is different from other straight guys that you've dated who may have had commitment phobia or otherwise been insensitive.
Rather than flat out asking him if he's gay you can at least get his attitudes toward the subject by casually mentioning a gay friend, talking about gay marriage or gays in the military, starting a discussion on the subject. Make it clear you have no problem with gay people [I hope you don't] because if he is gay he probably won't come out to you. A virulently homophobic man is often hiding something, which could be repressed homosexual feelings or some other feelings of inadequacy.
If all else fails you can laugh and tell him "I've never met a straight guy like you before. You're not gay, are you, ha, ha?"
You might find this post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay helpful. Good luck.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Women and Gay Men
One thing has become clear to me since I started this blog.
Whether they think of themselves as gay, bi or straight, there are still a lot of guys in the closet and who are in denial of their true sexuality.
And there are a great number of women who either have gay boyfriends or even husbands, or are afraid that they do. [I rarely hear from men who are afraid their wives or girlfriends are lesbians.]
It would be all too easy to dismiss these letters out of hand, but I recognize that these women are confused -- it's their lives and futures they're worried about. No one wants to invest a lot of time in a relationship only to discover that it's a sham. Some women are deeply conflicted because on one hand they are in love and want to have happy, healthy marriages, but on the other, they don't want a possibly gay partner to be repressed and miserable and in the closet.
Below are a sample of some of the letters. Some of the situations are very similar, and others have their own unique aspects.
Whether they think of themselves as gay, bi or straight, there are still a lot of guys in the closet and who are in denial of their true sexuality.
And there are a great number of women who either have gay boyfriends or even husbands, or are afraid that they do. [I rarely hear from men who are afraid their wives or girlfriends are lesbians.]
It would be all too easy to dismiss these letters out of hand, but I recognize that these women are confused -- it's their lives and futures they're worried about. No one wants to invest a lot of time in a relationship only to discover that it's a sham. Some women are deeply conflicted because on one hand they are in love and want to have happy, healthy marriages, but on the other, they don't want a possibly gay partner to be repressed and miserable and in the closet.
Below are a sample of some of the letters. Some of the situations are very similar, and others have their own unique aspects.
Gal with Gay Boyfriend?
Hi,
I am a straight female and a little confused about my boyfriend's orientation. A week ago he told me his friend (they are good friends) slept over and his sister said to him, " I wouldn't be surprised if you and your friend got married." Yesterday I got a message from his friend saying that '"your boyfriend may be secretly gay." At school one time I saw them hugging after I headed to class and thought it was a joke. I have tried to ask him a few times and his response was a sad face T_T and that I am thinking silly things. What other things can I do ?
Thanks
Hugging and sleepovers and phone messages don't necessarily add up to a gay relationship. It's possible that these people are having fun with your fears. Then, it's also possible that your boyfriend may be attracted to other men. [For now we won't get into gay or bi.]
When he's in a receptive mood, you can simply start a conversation on homosexuality, gay friends, gay marriage -- something along those lines. The important thing is to get the discussion started. You can slowly work your way into his sexuality, but you must make it clear that you are not accusing him of anything, and that you think being gay is okay [which I hope you do]. The important thing is to keep him from getting defensive.
As his girlfriend, you certainly have a right to know if there's something going on between him and this male friend of his. It's not a question of being judgmental, but of knowing exactly where you stand and what kind of future you can realistically expect with him. You have a right to ask what's up.
Good Luck!
I am a straight female and a little confused about my boyfriend's orientation. A week ago he told me his friend (they are good friends) slept over and his sister said to him, " I wouldn't be surprised if you and your friend got married." Yesterday I got a message from his friend saying that '"your boyfriend may be secretly gay." At school one time I saw them hugging after I headed to class and thought it was a joke. I have tried to ask him a few times and his response was a sad face T_T and that I am thinking silly things. What other things can I do ?
Thanks
Hugging and sleepovers and phone messages don't necessarily add up to a gay relationship. It's possible that these people are having fun with your fears. Then, it's also possible that your boyfriend may be attracted to other men. [For now we won't get into gay or bi.]
When he's in a receptive mood, you can simply start a conversation on homosexuality, gay friends, gay marriage -- something along those lines. The important thing is to get the discussion started. You can slowly work your way into his sexuality, but you must make it clear that you are not accusing him of anything, and that you think being gay is okay [which I hope you do]. The important thing is to keep him from getting defensive.
As his girlfriend, you certainly have a right to know if there's something going on between him and this male friend of his. It's not a question of being judgmental, but of knowing exactly where you stand and what kind of future you can realistically expect with him. You have a right to ask what's up.
Good Luck!
Another Gal with a Gay Boyfriend?
I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now, and things seem to be a bit rough recently. My boyfriend, as our relationship progressed, has become very emotional
and gets angry very easily. If things don't go his way, he either turns away like a girl would or whines until things change. I have been putting up with it for a while, and sat down with my mom and told her. She asked me if maybe he was confused, as in sexually. And things
began to click. He always cares about his appearance, he has a strange love for shoes (male shoes however, air jordans) but has purple and gold shoes in his collection. He has feminine gestures, he sings always falsetto (says he's joking) and is very very self-conscious. He says
he can't be like he is around me in front of people. He's always asking me if i love him and if I care about him, which I do. He also will get upset if I don't kiss him right when I see him, and cuddles with me like he is the girl. Our sexual past was never rough, but we
don't have sex anymore on my call. I have a gay cousin who is in his late 20s who said he could tell he was gay from the moment he met him, a lot of my family agreed. I've been pushing myself away because of the arguing but the pain of him possibly being gay is devastating. How may I approach him in a way that won't offend him? I really need to know if this relationship is real anymore. If necessary to know, we are both freshman in college. I've known him my entire life and he was my first boyfriend in 8th grade. I've dated a
couple guys in between our relationship, I am his only girlfriend. His father is in the military and his mother strongly opposes gays from the bible standards, which I could see as a road block for him. I appreciate what you do, and hope to hear from you. I'm really upset
and confused :/ Thank you.
It is certainly possible that -- if your boyfriend is gay -- his upbringing might make him uncomfortable with his sexuality, and it is also true that people come to a realization/acceptance of their gayness at different ages. While many people identify as gay long before they get to college, that is not always the case.
However, your reasons for thinking he's gay sort of add up to a mass of stereotypes. There are certainly heterosexual men who "turn away and whine" and who like to cuddle, and plenty of gay men who don't! Singing falsetto isn't a sign of homosexuality, either, nor is being self-conscious. Some men -- straight or gay -- are emotional or dramatic, and that's no real clue to sexual orientation, either. Neither is taking pride in your appearance. I think you've seen too many episodes of Will and Grace.
Even the feminine gestures you refer to aren't necessarily a sign of homosexuality, as I have met straight guys who are a bit feminine in some ways but are still, apparently, straight, (just as most of the gay men I've met aren't especially feminine). Of course there are "queens" or "femmes" in the gay male community who are quite stereotypical in their behavior, but believe me they are actually in the minority even if they tend to "stand out" a little more.
And so he wants a kiss immediately when he sees you. That makes him gay?
Then there's the fondness for shoes [what no Broadway musicals?]. If you catch him wearing your high heels you might have to worry, but even then it's more likely he's a transvestite than a gay guy. [Gay men generally have no interest in dressing in drag]. Maybe he has a foot fetish.
All kidding aside, the only red flag I really get here is possibly the fact that your gay cousin is certain he's gay. But he could still be mistaken.
If you caught him looking at gay porn on his laptop, that might be something. It would certainly be more of a eyebrow raiser than his purple and gold shoes, albeit that might be a little strange.
Click here for my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay, which you might find helpful.
It's possible that the problem isn't that your boyfriend is gay, but that he's a control freak, judging from the way he sulks when he doesn't get his own way. It's also possible that you've got a somewhat romantic and eccentric straight guy on your hands.
Enjoy!
and gets angry very easily. If things don't go his way, he either turns away like a girl would or whines until things change. I have been putting up with it for a while, and sat down with my mom and told her. She asked me if maybe he was confused, as in sexually. And things
began to click. He always cares about his appearance, he has a strange love for shoes (male shoes however, air jordans) but has purple and gold shoes in his collection. He has feminine gestures, he sings always falsetto (says he's joking) and is very very self-conscious. He says
he can't be like he is around me in front of people. He's always asking me if i love him and if I care about him, which I do. He also will get upset if I don't kiss him right when I see him, and cuddles with me like he is the girl. Our sexual past was never rough, but we
don't have sex anymore on my call. I have a gay cousin who is in his late 20s who said he could tell he was gay from the moment he met him, a lot of my family agreed. I've been pushing myself away because of the arguing but the pain of him possibly being gay is devastating. How may I approach him in a way that won't offend him? I really need to know if this relationship is real anymore. If necessary to know, we are both freshman in college. I've known him my entire life and he was my first boyfriend in 8th grade. I've dated a
couple guys in between our relationship, I am his only girlfriend. His father is in the military and his mother strongly opposes gays from the bible standards, which I could see as a road block for him. I appreciate what you do, and hope to hear from you. I'm really upset
and confused :/ Thank you.
It is certainly possible that -- if your boyfriend is gay -- his upbringing might make him uncomfortable with his sexuality, and it is also true that people come to a realization/acceptance of their gayness at different ages. While many people identify as gay long before they get to college, that is not always the case.
However, your reasons for thinking he's gay sort of add up to a mass of stereotypes. There are certainly heterosexual men who "turn away and whine" and who like to cuddle, and plenty of gay men who don't! Singing falsetto isn't a sign of homosexuality, either, nor is being self-conscious. Some men -- straight or gay -- are emotional or dramatic, and that's no real clue to sexual orientation, either. Neither is taking pride in your appearance. I think you've seen too many episodes of Will and Grace.
Even the feminine gestures you refer to aren't necessarily a sign of homosexuality, as I have met straight guys who are a bit feminine in some ways but are still, apparently, straight, (just as most of the gay men I've met aren't especially feminine). Of course there are "queens" or "femmes" in the gay male community who are quite stereotypical in their behavior, but believe me they are actually in the minority even if they tend to "stand out" a little more.
And so he wants a kiss immediately when he sees you. That makes him gay?
Then there's the fondness for shoes [what no Broadway musicals?]. If you catch him wearing your high heels you might have to worry, but even then it's more likely he's a transvestite than a gay guy. [Gay men generally have no interest in dressing in drag]. Maybe he has a foot fetish.
All kidding aside, the only red flag I really get here is possibly the fact that your gay cousin is certain he's gay. But he could still be mistaken.
If you caught him looking at gay porn on his laptop, that might be something. It would certainly be more of a eyebrow raiser than his purple and gold shoes, albeit that might be a little strange.
Click here for my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay, which you might find helpful.
It's possible that the problem isn't that your boyfriend is gay, but that he's a control freak, judging from the way he sulks when he doesn't get his own way. It's also possible that you've got a somewhat romantic and eccentric straight guy on your hands.
Enjoy!
Gal with Gay Hubby Part 2
The following is from the young lady who submitted the question that was posted under Women with Gay Husband.
I wanted to thank you for helping me figure out some stuff about my husband. Inadvertently though it may be. [Thanks!] You mentioned that he is essentially going back in the closet by being with me. I thought that was totally crazy but upon talking to him we both realized it was totally true. He had two sides of himself, his gay side with his attraction for men and his gay friends and all that, and the side that was attracted to me, married to me and existed with people that know us as a couple. I did not realize how not integrated these two sides of him were. He was totally in the closet to his gay friends about his attraction for me (and yes he certainly is attracted to me) and also very uncomfortable admitting his gay feelings around our straight friends. So he is seeing a counselor on his own and learning to be honest with himself and with me about his feelings. We are way happier now than we have been in years (although we have never been unhappy, just a little less amazing) and all it took was him admitting his feelings. I didn’t know that he thought being married to me meant he "shouldn’t” be attracted to guys anymore. I would never want to change that. Now if he sees a guy he thinks is hot, he says so, to his co-workers, to me, whatever. And he is feeling way more comfortable with himself and we are having way better sex. Like we did in the beginning of our relationship. Both of us have to disagree with you on one thing though. Why do you not believe in bisexuality? Both my husband and I are attracted to both sexes. I consider myself more on the straight side since I am not emotionally attracted to women, and he considered himself more gay because he wasn’t normally sexually attracted to women. But he is to me and that’s what matters. So by definition I think we are both Bi. (TMI Warning: seriously, do gay guys get hard when they see a naked woman? Do gay guys like eating pussy?There has got to be some grey area here, don’t you think?) I am hoping that instead of denying any part of himself, he can begin to experience himself more fully. If that means he ends up leaving me for a guy, so be it. I wouldn’t want to keep him if he wasn’t truly happy. But he says he has been with lots of guys and a few girls and the point is he wants to be with me. I have no choice but to believe him and hope he is being truly honest. Like you said, only time will tell. I am still interested if you have any thoughts or ideas on how we can deal with our peculiar challenges.
Thanks,
I have never said that I "don't believe" in bisexuality. I won't speak for women, but I have almost never encountered a man who identified as bisexual who didn't say that his preference was men [which is even the case with your husband], and on the one or two occasions they didn't admit that I got the distinct impression they were lying. If you prefer your own sex, to me that means you're gay. I've met men with wives who call themselves bi but virtually every time they have extra-marital sex it's with another guy. That's not bi, that's gay.
The problem with any discussion of bisexuality is that when it comes to gay and straight there isn't an equal playing field. That is, no one gives a hoot if you're straight or in a hetero relationship, but unfortunately many people do care if you're gay or in a homosexual relationship. The battle for equality for gays -- including marriage equality -- has not yet been won, and in other countries being homosexual is still an offense punishable by death. Then we have the downLow and closet cases and gay teens committing suicide. Not twenty years ago but today. So you'll have to forgive me if it sometimes seems to me that in some cases "bisexuality" has become a kind of phony identity for people who are essentially gay or lesbian but just can't deal with that reality, as if the "bi" label is some kind of safety net. After all, once you fully open the closet door there's no way you can close it again. This doesn't mean that some people aren't genuinely bisexual, but my definition of that might be quite different from yours and others. But I'll save that for another post. [For the record I thought of myself as bisexual when I was in my early twenties.]
Gay men do sometimes get involved in hetero sex scenes -- sometimes drunken fooling around, sometimes sex for the sake of sex, sometimes a blow job feels good no matter what sex is giving it to you. This may very well be the gray area you're talking about. However, I will admit that human sexuality and psychology can be certainly be complex, so I wouldn't necessarily discount anything, although I reserve the right to be a doubting Thomas.
Gay men sometimes marry women. Some gay men simply feel more comfortable in straight relationships for any number of reasons. A study of this syndrome [although in these cases the wives did not know there husbands were attracted to men] indicated that these men suffered from self-esteem issues and had a terror of "bucking the system" [i.e. being unconventional]. Sadly, even in this day and age some men have a [often unconscious] craving for respectability and to them gay relationships are somehow not respectable. In other words, they can have sex with men, but are unable to have a relationship with another man. Hence the wife. And the bisexual label allows them to claim/feel that it's a real relationship [which in terms of friendship and caring it may well be]. [Even if a man is genuinely bisexual, say equally attracted to both sexes, his choosing a female partner/straight lifestyle might be indicative of the same syndrome.]
The gay/bi man in a straight relationship who is openly gay/bi isn't completely new, but it is relatively unique compared to the closet queen syndrome I mentioned above, and it does, as you've noted, have its own unique challenges [though at least you can get married].
But sheesh, give me a break here. I started this blog to advise people on homosexuality and gay issues, and to help people in gay relationships, not to help a gay guy [remember men are his preference] who's in a straight relationship! I've never denied that I think gay men should be with men. Of course your husband has the right to do whatever he wants with his life -- get married to a woman, become an ex-gay [Lord save us!], be openly bi, whatever, but you''ll have to understand that his situation is not something I can necessarily relate to. Also, never having heard his side of the story, I'm really not comfortable in advising him in absentia.
I wanted to thank you for helping me figure out some stuff about my husband. Inadvertently though it may be. [Thanks!] You mentioned that he is essentially going back in the closet by being with me. I thought that was totally crazy but upon talking to him we both realized it was totally true. He had two sides of himself, his gay side with his attraction for men and his gay friends and all that, and the side that was attracted to me, married to me and existed with people that know us as a couple. I did not realize how not integrated these two sides of him were. He was totally in the closet to his gay friends about his attraction for me (and yes he certainly is attracted to me) and also very uncomfortable admitting his gay feelings around our straight friends. So he is seeing a counselor on his own and learning to be honest with himself and with me about his feelings. We are way happier now than we have been in years (although we have never been unhappy, just a little less amazing) and all it took was him admitting his feelings. I didn’t know that he thought being married to me meant he "shouldn’t” be attracted to guys anymore. I would never want to change that. Now if he sees a guy he thinks is hot, he says so, to his co-workers, to me, whatever. And he is feeling way more comfortable with himself and we are having way better sex. Like we did in the beginning of our relationship. Both of us have to disagree with you on one thing though. Why do you not believe in bisexuality? Both my husband and I are attracted to both sexes. I consider myself more on the straight side since I am not emotionally attracted to women, and he considered himself more gay because he wasn’t normally sexually attracted to women. But he is to me and that’s what matters. So by definition I think we are both Bi. (TMI Warning: seriously, do gay guys get hard when they see a naked woman? Do gay guys like eating pussy?There has got to be some grey area here, don’t you think?) I am hoping that instead of denying any part of himself, he can begin to experience himself more fully. If that means he ends up leaving me for a guy, so be it. I wouldn’t want to keep him if he wasn’t truly happy. But he says he has been with lots of guys and a few girls and the point is he wants to be with me. I have no choice but to believe him and hope he is being truly honest. Like you said, only time will tell. I am still interested if you have any thoughts or ideas on how we can deal with our peculiar challenges.
Thanks,
I have never said that I "don't believe" in bisexuality. I won't speak for women, but I have almost never encountered a man who identified as bisexual who didn't say that his preference was men [which is even the case with your husband], and on the one or two occasions they didn't admit that I got the distinct impression they were lying. If you prefer your own sex, to me that means you're gay. I've met men with wives who call themselves bi but virtually every time they have extra-marital sex it's with another guy. That's not bi, that's gay.
The problem with any discussion of bisexuality is that when it comes to gay and straight there isn't an equal playing field. That is, no one gives a hoot if you're straight or in a hetero relationship, but unfortunately many people do care if you're gay or in a homosexual relationship. The battle for equality for gays -- including marriage equality -- has not yet been won, and in other countries being homosexual is still an offense punishable by death. Then we have the downLow and closet cases and gay teens committing suicide. Not twenty years ago but today. So you'll have to forgive me if it sometimes seems to me that in some cases "bisexuality" has become a kind of phony identity for people who are essentially gay or lesbian but just can't deal with that reality, as if the "bi" label is some kind of safety net. After all, once you fully open the closet door there's no way you can close it again. This doesn't mean that some people aren't genuinely bisexual, but my definition of that might be quite different from yours and others. But I'll save that for another post. [For the record I thought of myself as bisexual when I was in my early twenties.]
Gay men do sometimes get involved in hetero sex scenes -- sometimes drunken fooling around, sometimes sex for the sake of sex, sometimes a blow job feels good no matter what sex is giving it to you. This may very well be the gray area you're talking about. However, I will admit that human sexuality and psychology can be certainly be complex, so I wouldn't necessarily discount anything, although I reserve the right to be a doubting Thomas.
Gay men sometimes marry women. Some gay men simply feel more comfortable in straight relationships for any number of reasons. A study of this syndrome [although in these cases the wives did not know there husbands were attracted to men] indicated that these men suffered from self-esteem issues and had a terror of "bucking the system" [i.e. being unconventional]. Sadly, even in this day and age some men have a [often unconscious] craving for respectability and to them gay relationships are somehow not respectable. In other words, they can have sex with men, but are unable to have a relationship with another man. Hence the wife. And the bisexual label allows them to claim/feel that it's a real relationship [which in terms of friendship and caring it may well be]. [Even if a man is genuinely bisexual, say equally attracted to both sexes, his choosing a female partner/straight lifestyle might be indicative of the same syndrome.]
The gay/bi man in a straight relationship who is openly gay/bi isn't completely new, but it is relatively unique compared to the closet queen syndrome I mentioned above, and it does, as you've noted, have its own unique challenges [though at least you can get married].
But sheesh, give me a break here. I started this blog to advise people on homosexuality and gay issues, and to help people in gay relationships, not to help a gay guy [remember men are his preference] who's in a straight relationship! I've never denied that I think gay men should be with men. Of course your husband has the right to do whatever he wants with his life -- get married to a woman, become an ex-gay [Lord save us!], be openly bi, whatever, but you''ll have to understand that his situation is not something I can necessarily relate to. Also, never having heard his side of the story, I'm really not comfortable in advising him in absentia.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Bi-Curious Boyfriend?
Dr. Bill,
I am a young, 22 year old female college student, who is dating a 21 year old male college student. We have been officially together for about 3 months and I have fallen deeply in love with him. I feel that with every ounce of my heart, that he could be "the one" for me, because he is remarkably caring and loving and loves me for who I am, flaws and all. The reason why this particularly important is because, in my past relationships, I have been psychologically and mentally abused that eventually led to physical abuse, which did not escalate to an invariable extreme as I was relatively quick to walk away from the relationships. When I first got to know my boyfriend, I really could say that I did not know what it was like to be completely cared for. He truly seeks to talk out our problems, be emotionally healthy, and to communicate maturely -- all characteristics that really fell short with my previous relationships. What I am trying to say by all this is that this relationship means a tremendous amount to me and my dreams of being happily married do not seem too far away with this guy -- a guy who I feel I truly connect with.
One example of this is the undeniable chemistry is in our sex life. We have amazing, gratifying, out-of-this-world sex. There is a balance in who receives and gives pleasure -- we both seek and get turned on when pleasuring each other, something I believe is key to a healthy sex life. But you may still be wondering where I am getting with all this, and I'll tell you now: something particularly sensitive got brought up DURING love making. He likes to have conversations during sex (something I thought was a tad strange at first, but I quickly got over it and started talking, too), usually about his love for me or a reasonable fantasy. This time, however, he brought up the subject of a threesome, something I have fantasized about myself, so I carried on the topic. He asked if I would prefer having a threesome involving two men and and me or one involving two females and him. I said both because I have fantasized of being pleasured by two men, and women because I have always lusted over a beautiful woman's body. He said he knew a friend (a guy whom I have met) who might be interested and if I would consider actually doing it. For the sake of resuming love making, I agreed, letting him know I am not officially agreeing to anything because this is something that needs to be thoroughly discussed, and hoped we would leave it at that. He then brought up if I would be comfortable with some homoeroticism. I was shocked, but tried to just move on and resumed love making, saying that we should talk about this afterwards. I really didn't display an adverse reaction, because at the same time I was shocked, I was reminding myself that I would like to be pretty open about our sexuality. Trying to think that was a harmless request, I didn't get upset about it and I actually said I would consider it, still thinking of my own fantasy.
I have not brought it up to him as of now, and have decided that I am not completely comfortable with that suggestion yet (this happened yesterday). But what I am most confused about is how I should go about his disclosure. I said that I would expect and trust that he would remain faithful to us beyond any sort of consensual sexual exploration of our fantasies, and I even asked if he ever thought of himself as gay or bisexual. He said it was merely a curiosity. So what I am left with is this: am I wrong to doubt his commitment to us, as he has openly expressed his desire to someday be married and have children? Am I overreacting because, I, who consider myself "straight" relationship-wise, would probably want a sexual encounter with a woman? Are we just moving too fast with our sexual explorations? I apologize if I went into too much detail, but I feel that most of it might be useful in factoring in an opinion. Please let me know if you have any questions that might further enhance your understanding of the matter. Thank you, Dr. Bill, for your time.
Sincerely,
Concerned
If you are "over-reacting," as you put it, it's a bit strange, because why worry if he wants to experiment in a homoerotic fashion when you want to do the same? Reading between the lines there seems the fear that one or both of you might be gay, and what that might mean for a future relationship. You also have to remember that "homoerotic" refers to relationships between two women as well as two men, so maybe your boyfriend is just one of these straight guys who for some reason is turned on by the thought of two women getting it on. Did he specifically mean "homoeroticism" involving him and another guy? More on that in a moment.
Right at the outset I would have to say that if you are interested in a sexual encounter with a woman the proper classification for you might be bisexual but not "straight." Heterosexuals might be curious about homoerotic relationships, but a desire to put it into practice indicates a genuine attraction to your own sex. There is still a lot that is unknown about bisexuality and its reality; I tend to think if people are overwhelmingly attracted to their own sex [if they're being completely honest with themselves], regardless of any attraction to the opposite sex, they are essentially gay. There are plenty who will disagree with me. If a bi person is much more attracted to the opposite sex, then I might say that they were bisexual, but I at least couldn't think of such a person as being totally straight.
Now that we've got that out of the way, it sounds to me as if your boyfriend might still be trying to find himself. Or it could be that he's simply interested in swinging -- and if you're not comfortable with this you need to let him know at the outset. You may figure you'll lose him if you don't go along with him, but do you really want a guy who's going to be "swinging" if you'd prefer a monogamous relationship? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the swinger's lifestyle; it just isn't for everyone. A man [or woman] can remain emotionally committed to his or her partner while maintaining a swinger's lifestyle, but if the partner isn't into this lifestyle he or she may simply feel continually betrayed or forced into scenes that really don't interest them.
I'd suggest what you should do now is sit down and talk to him [during a less, shall we say, hectic moment] and ask him more about this homoeroticism he expressed an interest in. Does he want you to get it on with a woman? Or does he want to get it on with a guy? Some bisexual men are really gay guys who just can't come fully to grips with their sexuality and come out. [If you scroll down you'll see how I feel about "mixed marriages" between gay and straight.] There have been many cases of women who have been in abusive relationships with brutish men finding comfort in the arms of a more gentle, sexually confused gay guy [not that all gay men are gentle, believe me].
If you have some attraction to women, don't let it throw you. It's perfectly okay to be gay or bi.
While I admit I can be cynical [realistic?] when it comes to male bisexuality, there are plenty of women who insist -- sometimes very loudly -- that they are genuinely bi and can have happy relationships with either sex. If you someday come to the conclusion that you'd be happier with a woman, there's absolutely nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.
College tends to be the age of sexual experimentation, and many people your age haven't quite figured out if they're gay, bi or what-have-you. There's no need to be in a rush. This young man may be the love of your life, or -- as Judge Judy would put it -- in five years you may not even remember what he looked like. [For the record, when I was in college I thought of myself as straight, then bi. A few years later I realized I was gay, and have been happy with it ever since.]
College is a period for exploring and thinking about what you want to do with the rest of your life. Keep your mind open to possibilities and share your thoughts and fears with this fellow, who in all likelihood is dealing with the same insecurities that you are.
I am a young, 22 year old female college student, who is dating a 21 year old male college student. We have been officially together for about 3 months and I have fallen deeply in love with him. I feel that with every ounce of my heart, that he could be "the one" for me, because he is remarkably caring and loving and loves me for who I am, flaws and all. The reason why this particularly important is because, in my past relationships, I have been psychologically and mentally abused that eventually led to physical abuse, which did not escalate to an invariable extreme as I was relatively quick to walk away from the relationships. When I first got to know my boyfriend, I really could say that I did not know what it was like to be completely cared for. He truly seeks to talk out our problems, be emotionally healthy, and to communicate maturely -- all characteristics that really fell short with my previous relationships. What I am trying to say by all this is that this relationship means a tremendous amount to me and my dreams of being happily married do not seem too far away with this guy -- a guy who I feel I truly connect with.
One example of this is the undeniable chemistry is in our sex life. We have amazing, gratifying, out-of-this-world sex. There is a balance in who receives and gives pleasure -- we both seek and get turned on when pleasuring each other, something I believe is key to a healthy sex life. But you may still be wondering where I am getting with all this, and I'll tell you now: something particularly sensitive got brought up DURING love making. He likes to have conversations during sex (something I thought was a tad strange at first, but I quickly got over it and started talking, too), usually about his love for me or a reasonable fantasy. This time, however, he brought up the subject of a threesome, something I have fantasized about myself, so I carried on the topic. He asked if I would prefer having a threesome involving two men and and me or one involving two females and him. I said both because I have fantasized of being pleasured by two men, and women because I have always lusted over a beautiful woman's body. He said he knew a friend (a guy whom I have met) who might be interested and if I would consider actually doing it. For the sake of resuming love making, I agreed, letting him know I am not officially agreeing to anything because this is something that needs to be thoroughly discussed, and hoped we would leave it at that. He then brought up if I would be comfortable with some homoeroticism. I was shocked, but tried to just move on and resumed love making, saying that we should talk about this afterwards. I really didn't display an adverse reaction, because at the same time I was shocked, I was reminding myself that I would like to be pretty open about our sexuality. Trying to think that was a harmless request, I didn't get upset about it and I actually said I would consider it, still thinking of my own fantasy.
I have not brought it up to him as of now, and have decided that I am not completely comfortable with that suggestion yet (this happened yesterday). But what I am most confused about is how I should go about his disclosure. I said that I would expect and trust that he would remain faithful to us beyond any sort of consensual sexual exploration of our fantasies, and I even asked if he ever thought of himself as gay or bisexual. He said it was merely a curiosity. So what I am left with is this: am I wrong to doubt his commitment to us, as he has openly expressed his desire to someday be married and have children? Am I overreacting because, I, who consider myself "straight" relationship-wise, would probably want a sexual encounter with a woman? Are we just moving too fast with our sexual explorations? I apologize if I went into too much detail, but I feel that most of it might be useful in factoring in an opinion. Please let me know if you have any questions that might further enhance your understanding of the matter. Thank you, Dr. Bill, for your time.
Sincerely,
Concerned
If you are "over-reacting," as you put it, it's a bit strange, because why worry if he wants to experiment in a homoerotic fashion when you want to do the same? Reading between the lines there seems the fear that one or both of you might be gay, and what that might mean for a future relationship. You also have to remember that "homoerotic" refers to relationships between two women as well as two men, so maybe your boyfriend is just one of these straight guys who for some reason is turned on by the thought of two women getting it on. Did he specifically mean "homoeroticism" involving him and another guy? More on that in a moment.
Right at the outset I would have to say that if you are interested in a sexual encounter with a woman the proper classification for you might be bisexual but not "straight." Heterosexuals might be curious about homoerotic relationships, but a desire to put it into practice indicates a genuine attraction to your own sex. There is still a lot that is unknown about bisexuality and its reality; I tend to think if people are overwhelmingly attracted to their own sex [if they're being completely honest with themselves], regardless of any attraction to the opposite sex, they are essentially gay. There are plenty who will disagree with me. If a bi person is much more attracted to the opposite sex, then I might say that they were bisexual, but I at least couldn't think of such a person as being totally straight.
Now that we've got that out of the way, it sounds to me as if your boyfriend might still be trying to find himself. Or it could be that he's simply interested in swinging -- and if you're not comfortable with this you need to let him know at the outset. You may figure you'll lose him if you don't go along with him, but do you really want a guy who's going to be "swinging" if you'd prefer a monogamous relationship? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the swinger's lifestyle; it just isn't for everyone. A man [or woman] can remain emotionally committed to his or her partner while maintaining a swinger's lifestyle, but if the partner isn't into this lifestyle he or she may simply feel continually betrayed or forced into scenes that really don't interest them.
I'd suggest what you should do now is sit down and talk to him [during a less, shall we say, hectic moment] and ask him more about this homoeroticism he expressed an interest in. Does he want you to get it on with a woman? Or does he want to get it on with a guy? Some bisexual men are really gay guys who just can't come fully to grips with their sexuality and come out. [If you scroll down you'll see how I feel about "mixed marriages" between gay and straight.] There have been many cases of women who have been in abusive relationships with brutish men finding comfort in the arms of a more gentle, sexually confused gay guy [not that all gay men are gentle, believe me].
If you have some attraction to women, don't let it throw you. It's perfectly okay to be gay or bi.
While I admit I can be cynical [realistic?] when it comes to male bisexuality, there are plenty of women who insist -- sometimes very loudly -- that they are genuinely bi and can have happy relationships with either sex. If you someday come to the conclusion that you'd be happier with a woman, there's absolutely nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.
College tends to be the age of sexual experimentation, and many people your age haven't quite figured out if they're gay, bi or what-have-you. There's no need to be in a rush. This young man may be the love of your life, or -- as Judge Judy would put it -- in five years you may not even remember what he looked like. [For the record, when I was in college I thought of myself as straight, then bi. A few years later I realized I was gay, and have been happy with it ever since.]
College is a period for exploring and thinking about what you want to do with the rest of your life. Keep your mind open to possibilities and share your thoughts and fears with this fellow, who in all likelihood is dealing with the same insecurities that you are.
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