I get the idea that many young gay people today think they live in a world of total acceptance. It's as if they've never heard of the ex-gay movement, the fight against gay marriage equality, the Republicans and their "family values," the fact that in some third world nations you can be put to death simply for being gay --and that you can still be fired in many states in the good ol' US of A just for being homosexual. And what about all the people who are still in the closet, using beards, on the down-low? Yes, things have improved a lot since the Stonewall riots, but why do some young people act as if gays are accepted everywhere? Are they in for a rude awakening? JS,
I'm afraid so. Older people, especially those who remember the days of raids and constant oppression and the days before hardly any public figures were out of the closet, are in a unique position. They can tell how much better things are, but their remembrance of the not-so-good old days reminds them that rights can often be a fragile thing, and a lot of bad attitudes don't go away, they just go underground. Anyone who thinks homophobia is a thing of the past is either living in fantasy land or is a fool or both.
Many younger people, especially those who work in the movement, do know that the struggle is far from other. But there are those who have loving and accepting straight friends and who live in big, comparatively liberal cities (with gay rights bills to protect them, of course) and since they've never experienced oppression in a major way, they think it's a thing of the past. Sadly, all it takes is one ugly experience -- someone hurling slur terms, a gay-bashing -- and they instantly become aware that homophobia is alive and well. Many of these people, while homosexual and out of the closet, don't have an especially strong gay identity, either. The gay cause is not their cause, more's the pity.
In a way it's good that many of these people of any age feel secure; it's better than the constant paranoia many gays used to face. The downside is that it makes them feel there's nothing left to struggle for. They see AIDS as an eighties issue (but HIV and AIDs are still with is, and still a threat), and Gay Lib as a quaint thing of the past. But there are still too many gay/homosexual people who do not feel good about, or accepting of, their sexuality, and this includes many who are out of the closet. And there are a large mass of closet cases out there who cut themselves off from gay culture, self-acceptance, and enlightenment.
The good news is that the percentage of gays who are Out and Proud is probably higher than ever before. And we continue to make advances, be it gay marriages, gay/LGBT rights bills, and so on.
But there's a looooooooooong way to go, and everyone must remember it!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Blacks More Homophobic?
I have heard of a report which suggests that black people are more homophobic than white. Is this true? Anon.
Actually one study suggested that white people were more accepting of gay marriage than black people. And there are (mostly white) homophobes who are saying that if gay marriage is accepted it will supposedly help deteriorate the black family because black men (I assume they mean those on the "down-low") will not marry the mothers of their children. But since most of those down-low guys (who belong to all ethnic backgrounds, not just African-American) are deeply ashamed of their homoerotic feelings one can't imagine them marrying one of the guys they have sex with.
Let's keep things in perspective. Yes, there are homophobic African-Americans, and yes there are racist gays. But there are also Out and Proud Gay African-Americans as well as many straight African-Americans who are committed to Gay Rights (just as there have been many gays who have been committed to the civil rights struggle for blacks.) The fact that some members of minority groups have issues with other minority groups should not be used as an excuse to tolerate bigotry of any kind. Gays who may have conscious or sub-conscious racist feelings should not think those feelings are justified simply because there are homophobic African-Americans.
Our Gay Black Brothers and Sisters have a tough enough time belonging to two misunderstood minority groups. Let's not make it worse for them.
As for the homophobes, whatever race they may belong to: Let's do our best to educate them, and if that doesn't work, give them a good swift kick in the pants!
Actually one study suggested that white people were more accepting of gay marriage than black people. And there are (mostly white) homophobes who are saying that if gay marriage is accepted it will supposedly help deteriorate the black family because black men (I assume they mean those on the "down-low") will not marry the mothers of their children. But since most of those down-low guys (who belong to all ethnic backgrounds, not just African-American) are deeply ashamed of their homoerotic feelings one can't imagine them marrying one of the guys they have sex with.
Let's keep things in perspective. Yes, there are homophobic African-Americans, and yes there are racist gays. But there are also Out and Proud Gay African-Americans as well as many straight African-Americans who are committed to Gay Rights (just as there have been many gays who have been committed to the civil rights struggle for blacks.) The fact that some members of minority groups have issues with other minority groups should not be used as an excuse to tolerate bigotry of any kind. Gays who may have conscious or sub-conscious racist feelings should not think those feelings are justified simply because there are homophobic African-Americans.
Our Gay Black Brothers and Sisters have a tough enough time belonging to two misunderstood minority groups. Let's not make it worse for them.
As for the homophobes, whatever race they may belong to: Let's do our best to educate them, and if that doesn't work, give them a good swift kick in the pants!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Dressing to Advantage
Am I out of date or is there still a gay dress code, something that tells you if someone is a top or a bottom, into kinky sex, water sports, and so on? Or has all that been done away with? Don't get out to bars much these days. Anon.
I'm not saying that that's all been done away with but it does seem a little dated. I personally never ascribed to the business of dressing in a certain way or wearing certain items -- color-coded hankies in your left or right pocket and so on -- to reveal your sexual tastes. I believe that sort of thing was once more common in leather bars. If it's still practiced by some guys, I don't know.
I suppose if you wear tight jeans with a big hole cut out showing off your buns, well I'll let you guess what that means -- and I'm sure you can, even if you haven't been in a bar for awhile!
I'm not saying that that's all been done away with but it does seem a little dated. I personally never ascribed to the business of dressing in a certain way or wearing certain items -- color-coded hankies in your left or right pocket and so on -- to reveal your sexual tastes. I believe that sort of thing was once more common in leather bars. If it's still practiced by some guys, I don't know.
I suppose if you wear tight jeans with a big hole cut out showing off your buns, well I'll let you guess what that means -- and I'm sure you can, even if you haven't been in a bar for awhile!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Unrequited Love Strikes Again!
I am a 32-year-old gay man. I have a friend I'll call Harry who is 35. He has a blog and writes all the time about a man he calls Joe, with whom he is in love. Mutual friends keep telling me that I am Joe, and that Harry is totally besotted with me. I care about Harry very much, but my feelings are strictly platonic and can never be otherwise. I looked at his last blog post tonight and for the first time the blinders were off and yes it became clear to me that I am "Joe." I went back and read the other posts and really don't know what to do. Our mutual friends are correct -- Harry is completely in love with me. I'm flattered -- but I just don't feel the same. From what he says on his blog, he seems to know it's hopeless, but people keep leaving comments telling him to tell me how he feels -- that's the last thing I want. What should I do, Dr. Bill? Wish I Weren't Joe.
Well, I've been in this situation from both sides and it ain't ever easy. There are a few things to keep in mind.
1.) This is very awkward for you, yes, but his unrequited passion is probably killing Harry. I recognize he's a friend you care about and you don't want him to get hurt -- and that the last thing you want is to have that conversation where you have to let him down easy (and as I said it's never easy) -- but what you're going through is nothing compared to what he's going through. If you keep that in mind it will help you keep things in perspective.
2.) His feelings for you may be an intense infatuation but not true love. Still painful, but easier to get over. Even if it's the latter, your rejection of him won't ruin his life. He thinks it will, but more likely it won't.
3.) I would suggest not doing anything now. Even though he's posting his feelings on his blog -- maybe hoping you'll read it and tell him what he wants to hear -- that doesn't mean he wants you to confront him, especially if your feelings are not the same as his. Often people are able to work through these unrequited feelings on their own, or they realize they prefer you as a friend, or they meet and fall for somebody else. No action may be required at this point.
4.) If he does declare his feelings for you out in the open, don't freak out. Tell him how much you care about him and how much his friendship means to you. Don't give him false hope, but tell him all the things you admire about him. Say it's a shame that your feelings aren't quite the same as his, because you're probably losing out on something special. But that there's nothing you can do about chemistry or your feelings. Tell him he's attractive, but be careful not to patronize.
Some people in your situation try to keep from hurting people by saying they're not ready for a relationship, or they only like a certain type (whom they make as different from the person they're talking to as possible) or they don't want to screw up a perfect friendship and so on, but I think in the long run it's better to be honest and avoid the obfuscation.
However if you just can't bring yourself to be blunt with him, one thing you might say is that you've gotten so used to him as a friend that it would just be too strange and downright unsettling to have him for a lover. Now this might sound like pure b.s., but the fact remains that many friends who are attracted to one another don't want to take it to the next level for that very reason. It's not just that they might spoil a good friendship, but that being lovers engenders a whole new level of angst, jealousy and primal emotion. Couples who break up often think to themselves, "if only we'd just stayed friends -- or f--k buddies!"
Things may just play themselves out without your having to say anything, but if he does reveal his feelings to you, I hope I've given you some options. Remember, that he may need to end the friendship if he feels he just can't stand being around you once he realizes you'll never be lovers. People aren't being mean when they do this -- it's an acknowledgement that they can't get over you if they're around you all the time.
But maybe he'll be able to think of you just as a cherished friend, and find somebody else to share his life and bed with.
Well, I've been in this situation from both sides and it ain't ever easy. There are a few things to keep in mind.
1.) This is very awkward for you, yes, but his unrequited passion is probably killing Harry. I recognize he's a friend you care about and you don't want him to get hurt -- and that the last thing you want is to have that conversation where you have to let him down easy (and as I said it's never easy) -- but what you're going through is nothing compared to what he's going through. If you keep that in mind it will help you keep things in perspective.
2.) His feelings for you may be an intense infatuation but not true love. Still painful, but easier to get over. Even if it's the latter, your rejection of him won't ruin his life. He thinks it will, but more likely it won't.
3.) I would suggest not doing anything now. Even though he's posting his feelings on his blog -- maybe hoping you'll read it and tell him what he wants to hear -- that doesn't mean he wants you to confront him, especially if your feelings are not the same as his. Often people are able to work through these unrequited feelings on their own, or they realize they prefer you as a friend, or they meet and fall for somebody else. No action may be required at this point.
4.) If he does declare his feelings for you out in the open, don't freak out. Tell him how much you care about him and how much his friendship means to you. Don't give him false hope, but tell him all the things you admire about him. Say it's a shame that your feelings aren't quite the same as his, because you're probably losing out on something special. But that there's nothing you can do about chemistry or your feelings. Tell him he's attractive, but be careful not to patronize.
Some people in your situation try to keep from hurting people by saying they're not ready for a relationship, or they only like a certain type (whom they make as different from the person they're talking to as possible) or they don't want to screw up a perfect friendship and so on, but I think in the long run it's better to be honest and avoid the obfuscation.
However if you just can't bring yourself to be blunt with him, one thing you might say is that you've gotten so used to him as a friend that it would just be too strange and downright unsettling to have him for a lover. Now this might sound like pure b.s., but the fact remains that many friends who are attracted to one another don't want to take it to the next level for that very reason. It's not just that they might spoil a good friendship, but that being lovers engenders a whole new level of angst, jealousy and primal emotion. Couples who break up often think to themselves, "if only we'd just stayed friends -- or f--k buddies!"
Things may just play themselves out without your having to say anything, but if he does reveal his feelings to you, I hope I've given you some options. Remember, that he may need to end the friendship if he feels he just can't stand being around you once he realizes you'll never be lovers. People aren't being mean when they do this -- it's an acknowledgement that they can't get over you if they're around you all the time.
But maybe he'll be able to think of you just as a cherished friend, and find somebody else to share his life and bed with.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Slander?
What do you think of gay people who insist that certain people who are straight are really gay? Is it fair of them to slander these people by insisting that they're gay? Do you think that's right? Anon.
Slander??? I reject your whole premise. Unless you think there's something wrong with being gay -- which I certainly don't -- then a person is hardly committing slander by suggesting that someone is homosexual. There is a big difference between a homophobic person "accusing" someone of being gay or someone suggesting someone is gay as a way of putting them down (as if being gay is something to be ashamed of) and someone who is either gay or supportive of gays suggesting that a certain individual might be gay in a non-judgmental way.
I don't think it's right to say that someone is definitely gay when you don't know for sure (and certainly if you know or think the person is genuinely heterosexual) because a.) it's inaccurate and b.) it could lead to discrimination against that person (although some people think every straight person should walk in our shoes for awhile ... )
Sadly, today you can be accused of libel or slander for saying someone is gay if they're not (or even if they are, in which case you better have plenty of their same-sex partners available to testify on your behalf), even if you yourself are gay or pro-gay. Homosexuality is still considered something dirty, a filthy little secret, by far too many people.
On American Idol judge Simon Cowell was always "gay-baiting" host Ryan Seacrest by passing remarks suggesting he was homosexual (in time Seacrest did the same to Cowell). It was not only offensive and homophobic, but it added nothing of intelligence to America's discussion of homosexuality and perpetuated the stereotype that being gay is something negative. Just as bad, people theorized that Cowell had to be gay himself because he was "bitchy," another stereotype applied to homosexual men. To suggest that all gay men are big bitches is as ludicrous as suggesting that no straight men can be "bitchy" -- and they can be, believe me!
Gay people often wonder about or suggest someone straight-identified is gay because we know that even in the 21st century there are a great many homosexual people in the closet, leading straight lives, on the down-low, or who consider themselves heterosexual even though they have same-sex encounters on a regular basis. You''ll have to forgive me if I'm a bit cynical (or realistic) on the subject, but I've had years of experience.
Besides, how do you know we're wrong when we say someone you think is straight is really gay?
Maybe we know more than you do?
Slander??? I reject your whole premise. Unless you think there's something wrong with being gay -- which I certainly don't -- then a person is hardly committing slander by suggesting that someone is homosexual. There is a big difference between a homophobic person "accusing" someone of being gay or someone suggesting someone is gay as a way of putting them down (as if being gay is something to be ashamed of) and someone who is either gay or supportive of gays suggesting that a certain individual might be gay in a non-judgmental way.
I don't think it's right to say that someone is definitely gay when you don't know for sure (and certainly if you know or think the person is genuinely heterosexual) because a.) it's inaccurate and b.) it could lead to discrimination against that person (although some people think every straight person should walk in our shoes for awhile ... )
Sadly, today you can be accused of libel or slander for saying someone is gay if they're not (or even if they are, in which case you better have plenty of their same-sex partners available to testify on your behalf), even if you yourself are gay or pro-gay. Homosexuality is still considered something dirty, a filthy little secret, by far too many people.
On American Idol judge Simon Cowell was always "gay-baiting" host Ryan Seacrest by passing remarks suggesting he was homosexual (in time Seacrest did the same to Cowell). It was not only offensive and homophobic, but it added nothing of intelligence to America's discussion of homosexuality and perpetuated the stereotype that being gay is something negative. Just as bad, people theorized that Cowell had to be gay himself because he was "bitchy," another stereotype applied to homosexual men. To suggest that all gay men are big bitches is as ludicrous as suggesting that no straight men can be "bitchy" -- and they can be, believe me!
Gay people often wonder about or suggest someone straight-identified is gay because we know that even in the 21st century there are a great many homosexual people in the closet, leading straight lives, on the down-low, or who consider themselves heterosexual even though they have same-sex encounters on a regular basis. You''ll have to forgive me if I'm a bit cynical (or realistic) on the subject, but I've had years of experience.
Besides, how do you know we're wrong when we say someone you think is straight is really gay?
Maybe we know more than you do?
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Casual versus Anonymous
You recently answered a question about casual sex. Isn't it true that casual sex and anonymous sex are not the same thing? K.
Good point. When we refer to casual sex we are generally talking about sex between two people who don't know each other very well and who are probably not in love and may not even be romantically involved -- but they can be. They have made no commitment to one another. They may or may not be dating. They may have had sex at the end of a first date. They may have met at a bar, conversed, made out, then gone home for sex. But they introduce themselves to one another. Even when people meet online and hook up strictly for sex, they generally exchange names (but not always -- and sometimes the names are not real.)
Anonymous sex, especially if we're talking about certain kinds of homosexual men, is when you don't have a conversation or introduce yourself -- there really is total anonymity. You may not even get a good look at the other person. This kind of sex takes place in the darkened rows of porn movie houses, in outdoor cruise spots generally in wooded areas, men's rooms, truck stops, alley ways. I suppose it's possible for a man to have anonymous sex and run into a sex partner in the daylight and not know who he is.
May I say, without sounding too judgmental (why everyone knows Dr. Bill is never judgmental, LOL), that anonymous sex is kind of pre-Stonewall in my opinion. I won't say that everyone who practices it is an ashamed closet queen -- sometimes it just horny guys wanting a quick fix -- but its practitioners do tend to be the kind who like to stay in the figurative and literal shadows. Many of the husbands and daddies who want sex with other guys are into anonymous sex. They have no gay identity or pride whatsoever.
There was a time when it was thought by many people that anonymous sex was all that gay men were capable of, that they couldn't make commitments or fall in love. That, of course, has always been nonsense, as there have been long-term relationships in the gay male (and lesbian) communities for decades. I would dare say that most anonymous sex isn't even practiced by "gay" men, but but bi/homosexual men who think of themselves as being "straight." (Larry Craig, caught in the men's room, is a good example of this.)
Lastly, I think most genuinely straight guys would love it if they could get more anonymous sex (with women). No wining and dining and talking about feelings and that sort of thing, ha!
Good point. When we refer to casual sex we are generally talking about sex between two people who don't know each other very well and who are probably not in love and may not even be romantically involved -- but they can be. They have made no commitment to one another. They may or may not be dating. They may have had sex at the end of a first date. They may have met at a bar, conversed, made out, then gone home for sex. But they introduce themselves to one another. Even when people meet online and hook up strictly for sex, they generally exchange names (but not always -- and sometimes the names are not real.)
Anonymous sex, especially if we're talking about certain kinds of homosexual men, is when you don't have a conversation or introduce yourself -- there really is total anonymity. You may not even get a good look at the other person. This kind of sex takes place in the darkened rows of porn movie houses, in outdoor cruise spots generally in wooded areas, men's rooms, truck stops, alley ways. I suppose it's possible for a man to have anonymous sex and run into a sex partner in the daylight and not know who he is.
May I say, without sounding too judgmental (why everyone knows Dr. Bill is never judgmental, LOL), that anonymous sex is kind of pre-Stonewall in my opinion. I won't say that everyone who practices it is an ashamed closet queen -- sometimes it just horny guys wanting a quick fix -- but its practitioners do tend to be the kind who like to stay in the figurative and literal shadows. Many of the husbands and daddies who want sex with other guys are into anonymous sex. They have no gay identity or pride whatsoever.
There was a time when it was thought by many people that anonymous sex was all that gay men were capable of, that they couldn't make commitments or fall in love. That, of course, has always been nonsense, as there have been long-term relationships in the gay male (and lesbian) communities for decades. I would dare say that most anonymous sex isn't even practiced by "gay" men, but but bi/homosexual men who think of themselves as being "straight." (Larry Craig, caught in the men's room, is a good example of this.)
Lastly, I think most genuinely straight guys would love it if they could get more anonymous sex (with women). No wining and dining and talking about feelings and that sort of thing, ha!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Casual Sex and "Straight-Acting" Gays?
Is there anything really wrong with anonymous sex, or casual sex, or one-night-stands if you're responsible, stick to safe sex, use condoms and so on? Nowadays it seems as if the only "good" gays are those who want to mimic straights, get married, raise kids, and live in blessed monogamy for the rest of their lives. How dull! What's the point in being gay? Tod.
LOL, maybe you've got a point there. But at the same time it's a little more complicated than that.
First of all, of course there's nothing wrong with casual sex if the parties involved are responsible, use condoms, are tested for STDs regularly (condoms don't prevent everything) etc.
And I, too, have been bothered by the notion that some people won't accept gays unless we all pair up, get married, raise kids, and live in the suburbs in a house with the proverbial white picket fence. We all have to be thuddingly "normal" or else.
As I've said over and over again, we are a very diverse community. Everyone should feel free to live the way they want to live, whether that means lots of anonymous sex or a lifetime partnership -- house, kids, suburbs, neighbors -- be it monogamous or not.
[I confess I've never had the slightest interest in either having or raising children. There is nothing remotely "middle-class" or "suburban" about me. I acknowledge that it's neither fair nor accurate for me to say that picking out houses, furniture, china patterns, and wallpaper for the baby's room are strictly heterosexual activities, but frankly, they'll always seem that way to me. I'm happy being gay. I don't want to be an imitation straight person.]
Two quick points. I do think that some people who indulge only in anonymous sex and never consider the possibility of a relationship should ask themselves why. It doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with them -- some people just aren't into relationships. But in some cases the inability to form a relationship with someone can mean a person is on some level uncomfortable with their orientation. You can be anonymous if you stick to anonymous sex -- but it's harder to be anonymous -- in the closet -- if you have a same-sex lover. Sure, quickies can be a lot of fun and provide much satisfaction on a certain level, but they're not the whole story. Some people who are just into quick sex are avoiding the reality that being gay is more than just about sex.
But be assured that I personally have nothing against one-night-stands. I've never been a particular fan of monogamy either, although I respect those who wish to be monogamous.
But that's a subject for another post.
The second point is that it is in a way ridiculous to suggest that gays who are monogamous are acting straight when we all know that very few straight couples are strictly monogamous. And many of the spouses in so-called straight marriages aren't even straight.
In fact, many a father and husband is -- you guessed it -- out there having anonymous sex with guys like you.
LOL, maybe you've got a point there. But at the same time it's a little more complicated than that.
First of all, of course there's nothing wrong with casual sex if the parties involved are responsible, use condoms, are tested for STDs regularly (condoms don't prevent everything) etc.
And I, too, have been bothered by the notion that some people won't accept gays unless we all pair up, get married, raise kids, and live in the suburbs in a house with the proverbial white picket fence. We all have to be thuddingly "normal" or else.
As I've said over and over again, we are a very diverse community. Everyone should feel free to live the way they want to live, whether that means lots of anonymous sex or a lifetime partnership -- house, kids, suburbs, neighbors -- be it monogamous or not.
[I confess I've never had the slightest interest in either having or raising children. There is nothing remotely "middle-class" or "suburban" about me. I acknowledge that it's neither fair nor accurate for me to say that picking out houses, furniture, china patterns, and wallpaper for the baby's room are strictly heterosexual activities, but frankly, they'll always seem that way to me. I'm happy being gay. I don't want to be an imitation straight person.]
Two quick points. I do think that some people who indulge only in anonymous sex and never consider the possibility of a relationship should ask themselves why. It doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with them -- some people just aren't into relationships. But in some cases the inability to form a relationship with someone can mean a person is on some level uncomfortable with their orientation. You can be anonymous if you stick to anonymous sex -- but it's harder to be anonymous -- in the closet -- if you have a same-sex lover. Sure, quickies can be a lot of fun and provide much satisfaction on a certain level, but they're not the whole story. Some people who are just into quick sex are avoiding the reality that being gay is more than just about sex.
But be assured that I personally have nothing against one-night-stands. I've never been a particular fan of monogamy either, although I respect those who wish to be monogamous.
But that's a subject for another post.
The second point is that it is in a way ridiculous to suggest that gays who are monogamous are acting straight when we all know that very few straight couples are strictly monogamous. And many of the spouses in so-called straight marriages aren't even straight.
In fact, many a father and husband is -- you guessed it -- out there having anonymous sex with guys like you.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Alcohol and Sex
I'm gay and I have a boyfriend who only seems willing to make love when he's a little drunk. I don't think he's an alcoholic or even a heavy drinker, but when he's sober he's not very affectionate, although I'm certain he's as attracted to me as I am to him. What do you think's going on? TP.
There are several possibilities. How does he feel about being gay? Is he Out and Proud or in the closet? Sadly, even today there are men who are ashamed of and embarrassed by their feelings, and can only give in to their homoerotic impulses when they're drunk. In which case he needs counseling and/or therapy. But that's the worst case scenario.
It may also be that, even if he's attractive, he's uncomfortable with his body image. He feels self-conscious during sex when he's sober. Many people who are self-conscious use alcohol to rid themselves of their inhibitions. If you're self-conscious simply being in a room with people, imagine how you feel when you're naked and having sex with someone, especially if you're not comfortable with your body.
As for his not being affectionate -- well some guys just aren't affectionate. I would suggest that you continue to be affectionate with him, but primarily in private at first. Let him get used to it slowly. I don't know how long you've been dating, but if it hasn't been too long let him get used to you and the idea of intimacy with you. Tell him how attractive you find him while you're making love and even when you're not.
Some people aren't great with nudity or intimacy, and there are many reasons for it. A couple of drinks relaxes them and makes them better lovers (too many drinks, of course, and you've got a
figurative corpse on your hands.) If you don't feel your boyfriend is abusing alcohol, then don't let it worry you too much. Over time he'll become comfortable with you and you may find yourself having hot sex at all hours, high or sober!
Good luck!
There are several possibilities. How does he feel about being gay? Is he Out and Proud or in the closet? Sadly, even today there are men who are ashamed of and embarrassed by their feelings, and can only give in to their homoerotic impulses when they're drunk. In which case he needs counseling and/or therapy. But that's the worst case scenario.
It may also be that, even if he's attractive, he's uncomfortable with his body image. He feels self-conscious during sex when he's sober. Many people who are self-conscious use alcohol to rid themselves of their inhibitions. If you're self-conscious simply being in a room with people, imagine how you feel when you're naked and having sex with someone, especially if you're not comfortable with your body.
As for his not being affectionate -- well some guys just aren't affectionate. I would suggest that you continue to be affectionate with him, but primarily in private at first. Let him get used to it slowly. I don't know how long you've been dating, but if it hasn't been too long let him get used to you and the idea of intimacy with you. Tell him how attractive you find him while you're making love and even when you're not.
Some people aren't great with nudity or intimacy, and there are many reasons for it. A couple of drinks relaxes them and makes them better lovers (too many drinks, of course, and you've got a
figurative corpse on your hands.) If you don't feel your boyfriend is abusing alcohol, then don't let it worry you too much. Over time he'll become comfortable with you and you may find yourself having hot sex at all hours, high or sober!
Good luck!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Straight Woman and Gay Gals
I have a gay male friend -- I'm also a gay man -- who is best friends with a straight woman I'll call Glenda. He and Glenda have known each other for years and she's supposed to be so "gay-friendly." But she offers opinions on the gay community that are just the usual Will and Grace stereotypes (neither my friend nor I are especially stereotypical) and I was really shocked when she said she'd rather not go to a certain gay restaurant because she didn't "want all the 'dykes' hitting on her." (And she's not that hot). My friend and I have been considering the possibility of a life-long partnership -- but not if Glenda's in the picture. I've confronted her about some things -- including the "dyke" remark -- but she just brushes it off. So does he. What do you suggest? G.L.
Maybe you should brush them both off. I've seen this situation before. Straight women who are friendly with gay men but who can't stand lesbians -- and yet it never occurs to them (and sometimes not even their gay friends) that this is HOMOPHOBIA! The same thing would be true of a straight guy who is friendly with lesbians but who can't stand "fags."
I've occasionally had to remind some of my gay brothers who make negative remarks about lesbians that lesbians are female homosexuals and if you put them down, you're putting yourself down because you are a male homosexual. Yes, even gay men can on occasion be sexist but when they attack lesbians (or vice versa) they're being homophobic as well. I hasten to add that I have never seen a gay man who is comfortable in his own skin say anything negative about gay women or women in general. [This doesn't mean that a gay guy who would rather not have women come into the gay bar where he's cruising, where he'd rather have a homoerotic, all male atmosphere, is necessarily sexist.]
Glenda has issues -- whatever they may be -- and it doesn't sound as if your friend is comfortable in confronting her on those issues, so he should at least let you do it for him. This isn't just about a straight friend who has anti-lesbian feelings, which is bad enough, it's about your comfort level, your sense of Gay Pride, and your aversion to homophobic attitudes. (I'll also put forth the possibility that some of the attitudes Glenda has toward the lesbian and gay community are coming from your friend.)
Don't give up on the guy yet. Sit down with him and make sure that he understands how you feel. Tell him you don't expect him to just dismantle a friendship of many years -- undoubtedly Glenda has her good points -- but that Glenda needs to know that some remarks and attitudes are simply not acceptable. (Maybe she's dealing with a little internalized homophobia?) If Glenda can't watch her mouth when you're around or deal intelligently with her issues, tell your friend that you don't want to spend any time with her and he'd better respect that.
Take it from there. If his friendship with Glenda is more important than his relationship with you, move on.
Gay male/straight female friendships can often be wonderful, but now and then you've got two dysfunctional people who are bathing in each other's self-hatred. Don't get caught up in it.
Maybe you should brush them both off. I've seen this situation before. Straight women who are friendly with gay men but who can't stand lesbians -- and yet it never occurs to them (and sometimes not even their gay friends) that this is HOMOPHOBIA! The same thing would be true of a straight guy who is friendly with lesbians but who can't stand "fags."
I've occasionally had to remind some of my gay brothers who make negative remarks about lesbians that lesbians are female homosexuals and if you put them down, you're putting yourself down because you are a male homosexual. Yes, even gay men can on occasion be sexist but when they attack lesbians (or vice versa) they're being homophobic as well. I hasten to add that I have never seen a gay man who is comfortable in his own skin say anything negative about gay women or women in general. [This doesn't mean that a gay guy who would rather not have women come into the gay bar where he's cruising, where he'd rather have a homoerotic, all male atmosphere, is necessarily sexist.]
Glenda has issues -- whatever they may be -- and it doesn't sound as if your friend is comfortable in confronting her on those issues, so he should at least let you do it for him. This isn't just about a straight friend who has anti-lesbian feelings, which is bad enough, it's about your comfort level, your sense of Gay Pride, and your aversion to homophobic attitudes. (I'll also put forth the possibility that some of the attitudes Glenda has toward the lesbian and gay community are coming from your friend.)
Don't give up on the guy yet. Sit down with him and make sure that he understands how you feel. Tell him you don't expect him to just dismantle a friendship of many years -- undoubtedly Glenda has her good points -- but that Glenda needs to know that some remarks and attitudes are simply not acceptable. (Maybe she's dealing with a little internalized homophobia?) If Glenda can't watch her mouth when you're around or deal intelligently with her issues, tell your friend that you don't want to spend any time with her and he'd better respect that.
Take it from there. If his friendship with Glenda is more important than his relationship with you, move on.
Gay male/straight female friendships can often be wonderful, but now and then you've got two dysfunctional people who are bathing in each other's self-hatred. Don't get caught up in it.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Big Sexy Fat Guys
While I'm glad that bear culture has shown that a man doesn't have to be a young, perfect "pretty boy" to be attractive, there seems to be a downside, and that's all the -- what else can I call them but "big fat guys" who strut around as if they think they're God's gift to gay men. What's up with that? I'm not saying these guys don't have their admirers, but if I think it's obnoxious for handsome young hunks with great bodies to act all haughty and full of attitude, you can imagine how I feel about middle-aged guys built like friggin' refrigerators with bellies out to here and faces only a mother could love acting like they're the hottest things on the planet. And I seem to see more and more of these obnoxious fellows. What do you think? Bob.
Okay. I'm gonna tread carefully here. Yes, I have noticed just what you're talking about, and yes it's funny that it's happening in the bear scene because the whole point of the bear scene is "no attitude."
Bear culture has empowered some men who would in general not be considered conventionally attractive (or who are unattractive even by bear standards perhaps) to feel sexy, and yes they have their admirers. Let's make it clear that not every classic bear is "big fat and obnoxious" -- many are solid, beefy, handsome (both in the traditional and non-traditional sense) men who are not rude slobs but friendly and attractive fellows.
The guys you're talking about and who I've observed are not chubby bears, either, who tend to be cuddly, warm, and attitude free. In some ways they're a separate species. Maybe what we and others have observed is a chip-on-the-shoulder attitude because outside the bear bar some of these guys don't get a second look -- the attitude may come from years of people being unkind and haughty to them. So they're defensive. And if you've felt ugly all your life and suddenly you discover a culture where your "flaws" -- such as a big belly and a lack of comeliness -- can be virtues, then it's understandable why some of these guys walk around as if they think they're super-hot and madly f--kable. Because some people see them that way. Not you or me, perhaps. But some people. And I'm all for every one finding the right flavor of ice cream. There is truly no accounting for taste.
So I try to be understanding and sympathetic of these fellows (after all I ain't exactly Brad Pitt myself, although Pitt isn't my type anyway), although I have to confess that when some of these guys brush past me with their 300 pound bulk and don't give a shit if they knock my drink out of my hand or step on my foot or act like I'm not even in the room, I'd like to give a Big Fat Guy a big fat kick in the ass!
In other words, sometimes a jerk is just a jerk.
Okay. I'm gonna tread carefully here. Yes, I have noticed just what you're talking about, and yes it's funny that it's happening in the bear scene because the whole point of the bear scene is "no attitude."
Bear culture has empowered some men who would in general not be considered conventionally attractive (or who are unattractive even by bear standards perhaps) to feel sexy, and yes they have their admirers. Let's make it clear that not every classic bear is "big fat and obnoxious" -- many are solid, beefy, handsome (both in the traditional and non-traditional sense) men who are not rude slobs but friendly and attractive fellows.
The guys you're talking about and who I've observed are not chubby bears, either, who tend to be cuddly, warm, and attitude free. In some ways they're a separate species. Maybe what we and others have observed is a chip-on-the-shoulder attitude because outside the bear bar some of these guys don't get a second look -- the attitude may come from years of people being unkind and haughty to them. So they're defensive. And if you've felt ugly all your life and suddenly you discover a culture where your "flaws" -- such as a big belly and a lack of comeliness -- can be virtues, then it's understandable why some of these guys walk around as if they think they're super-hot and madly f--kable. Because some people see them that way. Not you or me, perhaps. But some people. And I'm all for every one finding the right flavor of ice cream. There is truly no accounting for taste.
So I try to be understanding and sympathetic of these fellows (after all I ain't exactly Brad Pitt myself, although Pitt isn't my type anyway), although I have to confess that when some of these guys brush past me with their 300 pound bulk and don't give a shit if they knock my drink out of my hand or step on my foot or act like I'm not even in the room, I'd like to give a Big Fat Guy a big fat kick in the ass!
In other words, sometimes a jerk is just a jerk.
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