Boyfriend with Secrets

Hi.....ok where do I start? Been with my boyfriend for 10 years....we have 2 children together. Recently I had been feeling like he was acting funny... distant. I thought he may be cheating with a woman, a man never crossed my mind at this point. So I put an app on his phone that would allow me to listen to his phone calls. I received a notification that he called a strange # I didn't know. I called it and a man answered....I hung up thinking phew he's not cheating. I listened to the phone call later in the evening and it was him calling this random guy using terms like glad u can host....asking him which positions he preferred....he was very explicit with his words. Told the guy he would love to meet up for sex.... that he was bisexual and he had a girlfriend (me) and he had to plan around me. I immediately confronted him. Told him I had him on record. He told me its not what I think and he was told by guys he works with if he called this guy and pretended to be gay when he got to his house there would be females there and he could pick one. He said he wanted one for a 3some for "us" -- a girl that is. So I called the guy and explained to him that I was his girlfriend and I heard the conversation between them. I told him what my boyfriend said about the guys at work giving him his number and asked him about these "girls" He apologized ,said he felt really bad and said he met him on an adult website and that there were no girls. He laughed actually and said that was completely untrue. When I confronted my boyfriend that I had spoken with him he got angry and denied being bisexual. I also told him he said he met him on an adult website he said a guy at work let him use his profile to talk to him so he could get "the girls".....I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. I know he's lying but my question to you is he is clearly caught red handed and still denies it, do I just accept this? He says I made it up. What scared me is in the conversation he said he had a 3 yr hook up and it was his first bareback experience.....he quoted it as "great....a whole 'nother ball game" and told this guy he doesn't even know that he'd like to have bareback sex with him and he said he's a bottom. That's scary with aids now a days. Why won't he just admit it???? I feel violated and deceived. I can't trust him. He did tell the guy on the phone that he is very discreet and "nobody knows and that's the way he likes it." Will he never admit this to me out of pride? Please help.....I just do not understand. :( 

What you've got here is a man who is attracted to other men -- and obviously acting upon those feelings -- and is deeply ashamed of it. There is often a disconnect between a man's true sexual orientation and how he identifies. [Some people have wrongly asserted that there are "straight" men who seek sex with other men, but unless we're dealing. on occasion, with victims of childhood sexual abuse, that's simply not true.] Your boyfriend probably doesn't think of himself as gay or bisexual because he has a girlfriend and children, is living a straight life [the one that's out in the open, at least], and sees himself as a man who can "pass" [as straight], not realizing that this is the case with most gay men -- most are not effeminate and flamboyant.

I obviously don't need to tell you that you can't believe anything your boyfriend is telling you, because you've already caught him in so many lies. Do you just accept this? Absolutely not. Guys like this often think they're not cheating if they're having sex with guys, but he is cheating, and lying about it besides. Why won't he admit it? In my experience guys like this usually tell the men they're involved with -- or at least having sex with -- that they like women [if for no other reason than to feel somehow superior or more macho] but they rarely if ever tell the women in their lives that they go with other men. Often these men are not truly bisexual in any case -- their behavior is bisexual [they go with both men and women] but they can't even allow themselves to admit that their preference may be men or that they are basically gay. They are full of self-loathing over their homosexual feelings.

Which brings us to the business with bare-backing, which is anal sex without a condom. This is risky behavior for a top, let alone a bottom, and again, it indicates a severe self-loathing, a lack of regard for himself, his sex partners and especially you.

This man needs therapy or counseling to help accept himself. You can not "accept" this situation if for no other reason than your own health is at risk, not to mention your emotional well-being. With the situation you've got now, it will be impossible to build upon a relationship with a man so obviously conflicted, dishonest, and apparently geared towards men if he's honest with himself. Insist that he be honest with you and discuss it in a non-judgmental way.

You have a right to be with a man who isn't keeping secrets from you. There have been women who let their gay or bisexual lovers have their little side flings from time to time, but count me among those who don't think that this arrangement, especially in this day and age, is fair to anyone -- especially when the man is into barebacking.

Boyfriend with Gay Past

Dear Bill
I'm a woman. My 33 year old boyfriend of 6 months recently admitted to me that when he was a preteen, him and 2 of his best friends would masturbate together, rub on each other, and give each other oral. This happened for over a year. He also just admitted that 2 years ago him and one of his friends went to a hotel, got drunk and blew each other. He claims his friend didn't *** in his mouth, i think he did. He also said his friend licked his but, but he didn't have any anal sex. He said he didn't like it and did it only cuz he was curious about trying it as an adult and it made him know for sure he is not gay. But is this true? Especially considering he was in homosexual relations for over a year as a kid?

We have good sex and He loves kissing me and going down on me and all. He does want anal but i said not until we're married. but he's super clingy, emotional, and insecure about our relationship and my faithfulness. But he's also super macho guy and kind of homophobic so this info caught me by surprise.

I'm trying to be supportive and believe him since he told me something he hadn't told anyone else. But should I worry? Him and his 2 childhood friends are still buddies. he said they don't ever talk about it but he thinks his friends do think about it sometimes. but he said his hotel friend stopped contacting him after a while. Seems like he still wanted contact. These are all men in straight relations now. 2 are married. I'm just worried he's still curious but would not admit it but might do something about it behind my back. What should I do and how can I know he's for sure straight? 

Well, to be blunt this guy doesn't sound totally straight. Some kids may "experiment" in a homoerotic fashion, but it's usually maybe one or two incidents, not over and over and over again. And his recently going to a hotel room with a guy for sex -- never mind how drunk he was -- is another red flag. His homophobia is an even bigger red flag.

To be honest, he sounds like a guy who definitely has homosexual leanings but is fighting them because he's ashamed, or because he thinks only stereotypically "swishy" guys can really be gay [not true; most gay men don't fit the stereotypes]. There are many homosexual men who are basically living straight lives with girlfriends, wives and children and who seek sex with men even as they try to deny their true nature to themselves and everyone else. He is at the very least bisexual, but the thing is that bisexual men are often bi in their activities [they have sex or relationships with both men and women] but in their heart of hearts their preference is often men. The trouble is that most of these guys just can't admit it to themselves.

Men like this are often clinging and possessive and insecure with the women in their lives, because they need these women to prove to themselves and others that they are essentially heterosexual. Sadly, this is generally not the case.

I would suggest a long, non-judgmental talk with your boyfriend, as I suspect there's a lot more going on [in his mind, if nowhere else] than he's telling you. He might need counseling or therapy from a gay or gay-friendly therapist.

Back in Action

I've been answering many questions via email during the past few weeks but not posting on the blog as often as I'd like, as I've been dealing with everything from power failures and hurricanes here in New York with the duties of being a caregiver -- not to mention wrapping up a new book. But please keep the questions coming, and I'll answer them -- generally in a blog post -- as quickly as possible. Thanks for reading!

Hacked or Lying?

Hi, I really need your advise. I went to go on my email account & my partners email account popped up and there were a few emails from gay websites. I sent an email to them saying i had forgot my password & got the password & went onto the site & there was a profile using his middle name & nickname, there was no photo, there was a little comment written that i wont repeat. I totally freaked out & went and showed him and asked him what was going on & he totally denied it & said someone else had done it & he knew nothing about it, he said he must have been hacked, I might have let it go even though i was completely suss, but a few weeks before this i saw in the history of our brand new lap top that someone had gone to the exact same gay matchmaking website, i just thought maybe it had been clicked on by mistake or something but then when i found the emails & the profile i new something wasn't right, he keeps saying he doesn't know how the history got onto the computer & that he didn't go on any site & that i should trust him & forget about it, but i cant! I don't know what to do, It's not possible for history to just appear in a computer?? and why would someone else make a profile for him?? i need some advise please 

Well, you're right that this web site wouldn't magically appear on a computer's history without someone  who's using the laptop having gone to that site. Unless there's some elaborate plot against your boyfriend, it's likely that he knows more than he's telling. [If someone wanted to create a fake account for him, they would probably have included a photo, assuming he has some posted on line, like on Facebook.] If he had come up with some explanation, however, bizarre, it would have been better than his complete denial. 

A "bi-curious" man is someone who is living a straight lifestyle who is secretly wondering if he might be gay, or at least bisexual. The problem for the women these guys get involved with is that it's hard for them [and even the guy] to know exactly what their preference is, and what straight woman wants to invest years in a relationship with a guy who may come totally out of the closet at any moment.

Your boyfriend may not necessarily think of himself as gay or bi just yet, so he clearly isn't ready to talk about it with you. Yet it's obviously something the two of you have to address at some point. If he's actively pursuing men at gay web sites, and even having sex with men, you need to know about it. [Some of these guys think it isn't cheating if their partners are male!] Closeted men looking for sex with other guys often don't post their photos on these web sites, but they can include photos in the site's private message system or in emails they send to the members. Now that he knows you're on to him, he's probably going to stay away from the site, so it will be harder to see exactly how he responds to messages from other members.

At some point you will have to sit him down in a non-judgmental way and ask him if he's struggling with his sexual identity. Be understanding and sympathetic, but firm. This affects your life as well as his. If he's gay [or a bi man whose preference is definitely men, which is the usual scenario], he needs to acknowledge it for both of your sakes so you can both move on and be happy. It's often hard for women in these situations to let go -- and they always have my sympathies -- but it's generally for the best.

The Guy That Got Away

Dr. Bill, I'm a man in my late forties and about a year ago I dated a man who was somewhat younger than me -- all right, a lot younger than me -- and he seemed to really be into me. Because of the age difference and because he was so attractive, I hung back a little and sort of let him do the pursuing. I guess I couldn't quite believe that he was really that interested in me or I was just afraid I would be seen as the desperate older man stalking the younger guy or something like that. In any case, I took my time responding to texts and phone messages and eventually I stopped hearing from him. I always hoped that we would run into each other again, but I checked out his facebook page and now he has a lover -- closer to his own age, of course. I'm happy for him , of course, but I'm left with the feeling that had I only not hung back, pursued him more ardently, I might be his lover today. I'm not even certain what I'm asking. I haven't checked out his facebook page since and I won't but I find myself thinking about him a lot. I wouldn't quite call what I feel heartache, but nonetheless it hurts. What do you think and what can I do to make this feeling of regret and loneliness go away? I don't think anyone like him will ever come my way again.

Get out of the house, join gay dating sites if you haven't already and follow up on interested parties, hit a bar that caters to men your age or mixed ages, call up some friends, have drinks or dinner and exchange war stories, commiserating over romantic misfires. Stay away from friends in happy relationships for awhile as they may only remind you of what you're missing. Have some hot consolation sex. Or hot chocolate if the former isn't available.

I have been in a similar situation, and you'll never know if the guy stopped calling you because you didn't pursue him enough, or because he just wasn't that into you when all is said and done, or if he, frankly, ultimately wanted a man in his own age group. You may never know, so forget it. Stay off his Facebook page -- you don't need to see photos of him and his lover enjoying happy domesticity. Or getting married! Believe me, you really don't need that torture.

You say that you don't think anyone like him will ever come your way again. First, you can't really know that for certain. Second, the next man you fall for [and who will hopefully fall for you] may not be as young and handsome as this guy, but he will still be "Mr. Right" if it turns out he's The Guy. You're certainly not too old to find a long-lasting relationship. [I mean I know men in their seventies who have fuck-buddies, sometimes much younger, or who have found soul-mates in their senior years -- you never know!]

Do not think of this guy as your last chance. There's always somebody interesting around the corner, you just gotta get out there and meet him. Take it from one who's been there: after awhile you won't even remember what this guy looked like [admittedly it might take a little longer than with other guys].

Good luck! 

Crush on Schoolmate

Hello Dr. Bill,

Recently I have come to like a straight guy in my Class (I am a Senior in High school and he is a junior). It has gotten awkward because I can't stand being around him due to the fact that I get Red-Faced. I don't have a long story about it, it's just I like him, and I have no clue what to do because he's Straight. I know the proper thing to do is "Get over it and move on" But it's kinda hard when I see him every day, with his heart-melting smile.

Many of us have been  in just this sort of situation, myself included, when you develop feelings for a classmate or co-worker or someone else you see all the time who is [presumably] straight. I've always said that the only way to deal with it is to focus your unrequited feelings on to someone who is more capable of returning them, another openly gay man. Throw yourself into the dating scene, meet lots of guys, and if you develop an infatuation at least it won't be so hopeless. Take my word for it that in time you will get over this guy. If there's any kind of formal or informal gay club in your high school or in your town for guys your age then join it, if you haven't done so already. Once you meet a guy you can date, hang out with, and who is also gay and may even turn into a boyfriend, this straight guy, no matter how attractive, will fade into the background. I know it isn't always easy to meet someone, but even a sympathetic gay friend you can talk to may help take the edge off. Good luck!

Skinnyfat: The Movie and Thoughts About Body Image

Skinnyfat is the name of a funny movie about two [somewhat stereotypical] gay men who hate their bodies and are determined to do something about it, going to bizarre lengths to look better, including wearing fake physique pads over their chests and trying various outre regimens and formulas. Davy (Evan Johnson) and Chaz (Jayson Jaynes) have a condition known as "skinnyfat" [I assume the term was invented for this movie] in which essentially thin people feel that they're "fat" (or might as well be) because they're soft in the middle, have no muscle tone, lack a hard, athletic body, and so on. The movie was written, produced and directed by Andy Bydalek.

For me the funny thing about Skinnyfat is that it comes to us at a time when many gay men are scratching their heads at what at least seems like the vast amount of chubby chasers and obese guys in our community. True, this is probably more of a phenomenon in the middle-aged bear community than among twenty-somethings or in piano bars [or among guys like Davy or Chazz, whom I know exist but whom I encounter not very often]. Without putting anyone down, I have to confess that I find nothing at all sexy about obesity [I often say "I don't like my own fat (which there's much less of these days, thank goodness) let alone anyone else's."] When did the bear community become the unhealthy fat community? It's reached the point where the dominant image of a bear is not just a big man, but a very obese man, when that sort of individual used to be called a "chubby bear." As an acquaintance of mine once put it none too tactfully "since when does 'bear' mean 'lard-butt?'"

Let me digress. One night at my local bar as I sat talking with/cruising an interested and interesting fellow, a portly acquaintance comes over to us, lifts up his shirt, thrusts his fat, highly unattractive belly into the other man's face, and shouts "This is what's hot!" [Neither I nor the other man were impressed.] Hot? Not.

On another occasion a bunch of overweight men at the same bar strip down to their big bellies and begin rubbing each other all over as if excessive avoirdupois were the new aphrodisiac! Not.

On an even funnier occasion, a man with a belly so big that I privately refer to him as "octobear" -- he looks as if he'll give birth to octuplets any minute -- has his belly patted by a slender fellow as if the latter is the proud papa and this mama bear is about to give birth to their little ones any minute. I have to ask, since when did looking pregnant become desirable or sexy?  Guys who look at if they're nine months pregnant used to be embarrassed by their appearance-- now they pull off their tee shirts and flaunt it, baby! How can a man look pregnant and masculine at the same time? [With great difficulty I imagine.]

However, the gay male community is very diverse, and I'm glad there's someone interested in every type. [Such as bald middle-aged men with goatees! And I don't want any nasty emails about how I'm being mean to big guys or how I wouldn't like it if someone put down bald men and so on; we can all take care of ourselves, baby.] But I do wish these big-bellied fellows would get over themselves and stop strutting around as if everybody thinks they're hot. I would sooner have root canal surgery without anesthetic than get it on with Octobear, but I'm sure because some people want to worship his belly and wallow in his fat he thinks he is God's Gift to Gay Men. I'm happy they have their admirers, but all these Blubber-pusses need to get over it!

As for Skinnyfat, without giving too much away, the two protagonists eventually wind up at -- you guessed it -- a bear party where they discover that being big and fat is not always a negative.

As for me, I've recently lost ten pounds and am proud of it, but I'm not going to strut around showing off my flat stomach -- what good would it do me in a chubby chasing crowd anyway? Still, I like non-chubby guys and some of them seem to like me. I am now officially an otter and not a bear, and considering what "bear" has become that's all right with me. Unfortunately, if I lose any more weight I'm afraid that I, too, will become "skinnyfat" and so far I've never heard of a skinnyfat bear [or otter]. Maybe I'll be the first.

 For more info on Skinnyfat check out skinnyfatmovie.com and/or their Facebook page:: (facebook.com/skinnyfatmovie).  The film can be rented on either site.

Straight Boyfriend with Anal Fetish?

I recently found out my ex bf has had his ex gf strap on a dildo and they did him from behind.. He wanted to tell me cuz we are trying to work things out. We did not brake up cuz of this situation...we broke up for different reasons.. He didn't want to tell me while were dating cuz he was scared I would judge him or brake up with him.. I asked him if he had been with men he said no, he said he does not find men attractive. He said he does not need it all the time but he likes it cuz it feels good. I'm not sure how to feel or what to do.. Any suggestion..

Thank you

I have met men with wives or girlfriends who have told me that the ladies in their lives strap on a dildo and penetrate them but these men identify as bisexual and may actually be gay. Sexuality can be confusing and complex, admittedly. All I can say is that many gay men do not like being anally penetrated ["tops"] so it seems odd that a straight man would. Your boyfriend sounds to me like a man who wants to have sex with men [a dildo is just a substitute for a penis] but doesn't see himself as gay or wants to be gay, probably due to what we call internalized homophobia -- his guilt and fear over his homosexual feelings. He could probably use some counseling to help him figure himself out and feel better about his homoerotic feelings. What started out as his girlfriend using a dildo may eventually turn into him seeking out male sex partners. Just to let you know.

Gay, Straight or Bi?

Hi Bill

I've been reading both your blogs recently, and would really interested to hear your opinion concerning my sexuality.

Hi, I'm going to answer you within the body of your email in bold like this. 

I am a guy in my mid-thirties, gay-identified and have been since I was a teenager. I first realized I was strongly attracted to men (both sexually and emotionally) when I was in my early teens. I have only ever had crushes on men, never on women.  I have not come out to my parents or any members of my family, though I've told almost all of my friends that I'm gay. I have two brothers, one of whom is gay and is out to both my parents. I feel a lot of shame and sadness about this, because I feel like it would be a double blow for my mother if I came out also (no grand kids, etc). Gay couples can adopt children so your parents can have grand kids.

I have always had an inferiority complex about my sexuality, never truly feeling like I'm a "real guy". I definitely feel inferior in social situations where I'm around 'manly' straight men, particularly sporty ones. I don't always feel this way, sometimes I feel proud and confident to be different, but quite often I give into feelings of inferiority. This is not unusual. Even today, society spreads the message that gay men are not really men. Even straight men can feel "inferior" if they aren't into [stereo]typical male pursuits, such as sports. The thing to remember is that the gay male community [not to mention the straight male community] is very diverse, and you are free to make your own choices based on what you like and don't like. If sports aren't your bag, who cares? Do what you enjoy. In any case, as we used to say in New York's Gay Activist Alliance -- the country's first militant [non-violent] gay rights group -- "99% of gay liberation is in the head."

When I was around 16 my parents started buying a right-wing newspaper which regularly featured negative articles on homosexuality. Perhaps I should have just stop reading it, but I was fascinated by what these journalists were saying; that homosexuality is a perversion, that it's a some kind of distortion of natural sexuality explained by the Freudian principle of over-attachment to the mother and envy of the father's penis or whatever, or that many gays are that way because they've been molested. [these are all out-dated and completely discredited theories that SCIENCE has proven incorrect.] 

 I felt angry at the hateful tone of the articles, but also vulnerable and afraid that maybe they were right, maybe my sexuality is just a sham. I started to question my upbringing "Maybe I was overly molly-coddled because I was the youngest?" "Did I have some trauma that provoked it?" "Was it down to feeling inferior to other kids at school?" and so on. I became desperately insecure, starting to feel like I was a freak. I felt so cruel, you know?, because at school I constantly heard guys make horrible remarks about fags and homos, and there was this national newspaper, written by adults, seemingly backing them up.All the latest research pretty much indicates that gay people are born that way. There is a wonderful organization called TRUTH WINS OUT that deals with the groups that spread the homophobic lies you're referring to. You might check out their website.

Then when I was 18, my closest gal pal, to whom I had recently come out, started an argument with me when we were out one night. She very forcefully argued that I couldn't possibly know I was gay because I hadn't had sex with a woman. Jeez, this is the hokey old argument: a man is only gay until he meets the right woman. It is not to be taken seriously. She said she she had worried that she might be a lesbian when she was younger, and that she had slept with a woman once and that it helped her realize she was heterosexual after all. If she actually had sex with a female she is at least bisexual and is kidding herself and you can tell her I said so. She kept angrily saying that heterosexual sex is the most beautiful, natural thing and totally superior to anything a man could do with a man or a woman could do with a woman (just to make it clear, she wasn't offering to sleep with me, just her opinion). Her attitude is entirely homophobic. [Perhaps fueled by her own homo-erotic feelings and her guilt over same.] There is absolutely no reason to think love between two men or two women is somehow inferior to love between a man and a woman. This is just religious-based prejudice.

I went home that night feeling crushed. Though I was angry at what she said, at the same time I was terrified she was right. What if my whole sexual identity was a total sham? I felt like a failure (and still do) because I was a heterosexual virgin. I started to look at images of straight sex on cable channels and found, to my horror, that some of the images turned me on. Even a particular image of a woman's breasts turned me on. I thought "My God! They were right after all!" I suddenly remembered a few times in my childhood when I was aroused looking at a woman's breasts in pictures, though these were far outnumbered by memories of very intense same-sex desires. I felt sick, like I was a total fraud, and fell into a deep depression that took months to recover from.Listen, being gay doesn't mean you find women repulsive, or can't sleep with women, or can't on occasion find a woman or breasts or what-have-you somehow sexy. As people used to say, "flesh is flesh." The whole thing has to do with preference. More on which in a moment.

Since then, In have only had sexual encounters with men, and still have no desire to pursue a sexual relationship with a woman; I just don't desire them sexually and romantically. But the old thoughts of "nothing is as good as straight sex", "women's bodies are built for pleasure, guys' aren't" still haunt me, and I still feel turned by thoughts or images of straight sex, particularly when the focus is on the guy instead of the woman, and I occasionally feel turned on by looking certain types of women's breasts, but never women themselves, like the whole person. Part of me thinks "this is crap! you're gay and just fetishizing 'normal' sex, you don't have to sleep with a woman if you don't want to!" I think you've hit the nail on the head here! while another part of me thinks "sleeping with a woman would "turn me", placing my penis inside a vagina would make realize I'm straight after all because the feeling would be so pleasurable, that a gay man who hasn't had sex with a woman doesn't have the right to call himself gay. That last thought really gnaws away at me.

Okay, I know a lot of gay men. Some of them have never slept with women because, like you, they honestly have no desire to. Others slept with women before they accepted their homosexuality, even got married and had children or went through a period when they thought -- hoped -- they were bi. Now they all identify as gay. The latter group may be glad they have children, but they also spent years if not decades with the wrong partner [wrong sex], hurt the women in their lives very badly when they finally came out, and wasted years being in the closet and having casual encounters instead of a full relationship. Surely that isn't what you want?

Also, sleeping with a woman does not turn a gay [ or legitimately bi] man straight. It just doesn't work that way. There are what we call "ex-gays" [again, see Truth Wins Out] who pair up with members of the opposite sex, have children, but in their heart of hearts they are still homosexual and generally lapse. They have NOT turned straight; all they've done is given in to society's negative attitudes. It all has to do with self-hatred instead of self-acceptance.  

What do you think Bill? This whole thing has really affected my self-esteem, and is ruining my ability to go out and find a nice man! I feel like a fraud, like gays are made not born (surely the times I got turned on by the breasts proves that?! not really ) that I don't have a right to a gay identity because one time with a woman would make me straight? Again, it just doesn't work that way, even if you have successful intercourse with a woman as many gay men have had.

I really don't want to have sex with a woman, the thought upsets me, but these thoughts keep coming back to me. If you don't want to sleep with a woman -- which could simply turn out to be a embarrassing, unfair situation for both you and the woman -- then don't. [Frankly, it's not that big a deal.] You've got to get over this whole notion that a man isn't really a man unless he's fucking women. It's out-dated and simply untrue. I mean, if it matters to you, I know a macho fighter pilot who had five children and then came out as gay, totally gay. And other gay men who never slept with women, yet distinguished themselves in such butch professions as firefighter and police officer. Having sex with women is not what makes a man a "man" and you have absolutely nothing to prove. I know that some essentially gay men pursue and sleep with women just to feel more manly, but all they're really doing is denying themselves, cruelly using the women in their lives, and being totally delusional about themselves as well.

Do you think I'm gay, bi or straight? And whatever I am, how can I boost my self-esteem and find peace? Would really value any advice you can offer.

Here it is: Based on everything you've told me, I would say you're definitely gay. Finding women's breasts aesthetically pleasing or even sexy in some way does not make you heterosexual or bi, not when you have no real sexual or romantic feelings for women but only for men. Sexuality can be very confusing and complicated. A man can be essentially gay and occasionally find women attractive without necessarily being bisexual, and even if he were, there is still the question of overwhelming preference. I would say your overwhelming preference is men. I believe you have been surrounded by homophobic attitudes and anti-gay "friends" with extremely negative opinions. You say your gay brother is Out, but is he also hung up about his homosexuality?

Stop hating yourself for being gay. If there's a gay/LGBT center in your city get some counseling or therapy from a gay or gay-friendly individual. 

As I have said for many years now IT'S OKAY TO BE GAY!

Woman, Boyfriend, and Gay Pal

Dear Gay "Dr. Bill",

I found your extremely interesting blog today and read through quite a few of the questions and your answers to them.  I am a 59 year old woman who has been going with a man 'Nick' for the last 4 years. He was very understanding and let me be me and have my space for the first few years and then became quite demanding and possessive, especially of my time. He started asking questions about what I was going to do that day, what I was doing at work, who I had seen and/or talked to the day before. My best friend is a gay man 'Mark' and Nick kept trying to break up our friendship. We went around and around about the demanding attitude Nick had and the need he had to see me break off contact with Mark. He said it hurt him that I did not take his feelings into account. It got so bad that I felt every time Mark and I talked or did anything with each other I had to keep it a secret, because if I was honest and told Nick about it he would get upset, angry and act hurt. This continued to the point where I felt I was being stalked because Nick would check up on where I was by driving around our small town trying to find my car! If he couldn't find it he would call or text and ask where I was. I started to feel that I had to look over my shoulder, because he was always checking up on me to see if I was seeing Mark. I broke off contact with him because of this behavior and told him I would not give up my best friend for him nor would I be controlled or intimidated. We were apart for about 2 months and then he wrote me a letter and said that he was seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist and was dealing with his problems and had changed. I agreed to go for coffee with him and he met me with flowers. We spoke both on the phone and by email several times after that and had lunch together and went to a show. Things seemed to be good between us again and he continued to see the doctors and we even went to a couples therapist for a while. He was doing well as far as not asking about my job, what I had done that day and whether I had seen or talked to Mark for about 5 months. Now he has gone back to wanting to know if I have talked to Mark, if we have been out to lunch together or if I have gone to his house for coffee. I feel like I am going around and around on the same carousel over and over again and I don't know what to do. What is your take on this behavior? Is this a control thing, a homophobic thing? My heart wants to believe that Nick can change his way of feeling about Mark, but my gut tells me to run like hell. Your opinion would be greatly appreciated, or if you need to know more about this situation in order to get a better grasp of it let me know. Thank you!

The first thing that strikes me about this is that "Nick" is jealous of "Mark," but it's difficult to tell if it's because he's envious of the closeness the two of you share as friends, or if he's paranoid about the truth of your relationship with Mark; in other words, he may be afraid that Mark is really straight or bisexual and the two of you have or want more than a platonic relationship. If Mark is stereotypically gay -- that is a little "queeny," [not to put him down for that]  -- the latter possibility is fairly unlikely. If Mark is a more or less masculine guy, than Nick may be afraid he's not totally gay [people do tend to think in stereotypical terms]. If this is the problem, having you and Mark sit down with Nick and tell him that your relationship is, and always will be, platonic, could be a big help. But first of all ask Nick if that is what he's afraid of. [The stalking business and the need he has for you to break off with Mark does indicate a kind of pathological jealousy.]

Gay men and straight women can have very close friendships, and Nick may feel as if he's on the outside looking in, that you share more of your inner feelings and desires with Mark instead of him. He may fear you are simply closer to Mark than you are to him. There's also the possibility that Nick may think, rightly or wrongly, that Mark doesn't like him, doesn't approve of him, thinks you could do better, or has some negative opinion of him for one reason or another. While it's rare, some gay men have negative attitudes toward straight guys [sometimes because they perceive the straight guy as being disapproving of them; sometimes not]. Nick may fear that when you and Nick are alone, the two of you are putting him down.

Then there's the simple possibility that Nick just doesn't like Mark because he's gay. Did Nick make any negative remarks about gay people before he found out your best friend was gay? Something about Mark may make Nick nervous; he could be dealing with sexual identity issues of his own [not to necessarily say that he is gay or closeted].

You might bring this all up with Nick and see what kind of reaction you get. If the two of you can have a meaningful dialogue and come to some understanding, so much the better. If he can accept that Mark is a good friend and will always be a part of your life, all three of you will be much happier. If you just can't get through to him, if he over-reacts or rages, then he is dealing with issues that you probably don't need to deal with.

If you have any follow up questions, don't hesitate to contact me.