Gay Men and Alcohol

Are most gay men alcoholics? Anon.

There is no reason to think that most gay men are alcoholics any more than most straight men are alcoholics. There have been studies of substance abuse and alcoholism in gay men -- which certainly exists -- but to my knowledge no comparisons with heterosexual men have been made -- which would have built-in complications in any case. First there's the question of how MSM (men who have sex with men) identity: gay? bi? -- some guys have sex with other guys and insist they're straight (sure) or at least are leading a "straight life" with a partner of the opposite sex. Studies dealing with sexual orientation are always tricky.

Some feel that gays are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol because of the underlying shame some feel about being gay. Internalized homophobia certainly exists -- and can certainly lead to substance abuse -- but nowadays there are a great many more gays who have absolutely no shame or guilt over their orientation. Then there's the fact that some gays might abuse drugs/alcohol not out of any shame, but for the same reasons that straights do : disappointment in life or love and all the other problems that beset humanity no matter what our orientation.

Life can be tough for all of us, and some people deal with it by abusing drugs or alcohol. In my opinion -- and based on my own observations over many years -- gay men are no more likely to do this than any other segment of the population.

Gay does not = Drag

No offense, but why do gay men like to dress up as women? Anon.

No offense, but generally we don't You're confusing homosexuals with transvestites, many of whom are actually heterosexual. When a man is both a homosexual and a transvestite (or cross-dresser), we call him a "drag queen." Drag queen culture is very colorful, which is why it seems so prominent in the gay scene. During Gay Pride parades and marches, the cameras will often zoom in on the drag queens and other colorful participants and ignore the more "ordinary" gay people. For the same reason the gay media often presents a disproportionate amount of cross-dresser portrayals in movies and documentaries. Some "drag queens" may be transsexuals who are in various stages of transitioning from (biological) male to female.

Drag queens are only a small percentage of the gay community although the media may make it seem as if most, if not all, gay men are drag queens. In truth, most gay men are very happy as men, have no real "identification" with females (as many drag queens do), and have no desire to dress up as women. Many feel the gay community would be quite a bit duller without its drag queens while some butch gay guys get awfully tired of the constant confusion between gays and transvestites.

Mature Action

I'm a fifty-four-year-old gay man who thought that all the fun was behind him, but I've put myself out there -- on line and in bars -- and am having more sex today than I did twenty years ago. My God -- I get laid practically every time I go out, and I can't believe how many men contact me on gay dating sites for older men. Even guys twenty years younger! I'm not so special but apparently there's someone for everyone. I try to play safe at all times, of course. I'm just here to say that there definitely is gay life for those of us who are fifty and beyond. Brian

Brian, I'm not sure if you're asking a question or just bragging, you little devil, LOL. Seriously, you've hit the nail on the head. Of course there's more to "gay life" than sex, but sex is certainly a big part of it. Good for you! I think younger people might be less depressed about getting older if they knew that the, ahem, joys of life continue even in middle and senior years, and this is true for straights as well as gays. As for "trying to play safe," don't just try -- do it! HIV and other SDT infection is rising in men above the age of 50, the downside of all that action. But that's no reason to take alarm. Use condoms (even if you're a top), shower within thirty minutes after sex, avoid risky behavior, get yourself tested regularly, and it's not a bad idea to get to know a potential sex partner first and find out about his sexual history if you can. You can be safe and have a great time as well! I'm looking forward to my fifties, which are rapidly approaching. Way to go, guy!

Of Lesbians and Transsexual Men

Why do lesbians become transsexual men? R.J. Atlanta.

I don't think they do in general. Transsexuals and homosexuals (lesbians are female homosexuals) are not the same thing. Homosexuals are attracted romantically and sexually to members of their own sex. A transsexual is someone who feels they were born into the wrong body. They are, for instance, biologically male, with male sex organs, but they feel and act and think as female. Or vice versa. Because of this they "transition" from one sex to another via a sex-change operation. This includes hormone shots, therapy, and so on, and is a long and difficult -- and probably frightening -- process in some ways, as no transsexual can ever be certain how things will turn out. Some transsexuals are proudly "out" about their status; others prefer to "pass," so to speak, and keep it secret. Some people fully transition, changing their sex organs; others retain the sexual organs they were born with for varying reasons. [Here I'm gonna stop because it gets complicated and I've never claimed to be an expert on transsexuality.]

As for your specific question, there have apparently been cases of people wanting to change their sex even though their therapists and other experts feel it's a bad idea or that they aren't really transsexual. I suppose this can happen with both gay men and lesbians who are uncomfortable with their sexual orientation, but I don't think it happens very often. Some people go "underground" to get the drugs and hormones they need and the results are often said to be disastrous.

It's safe to say, however, that there isn't an "epidemic" of lesbians transitioning into men. Most lesbians are perfectly happy being women.

I think what has you confused is that some female-to-male transsexuals do identify as lesbians before they recognize that they are really transsexual. Once they realize their true nature, however, they also realize that they were never, in a sense, lesbians; they were always -- in the psychological if not biological sense -- men attracted to women. They engaged in homosexual activity almost by default because they had female bodies. Sometimes "heterosexual" women who transition into men become gay men afterwards, and feel they were always gay men no matter what biological body they were in. To further confuse the issue, there are cases of women who were attracted to women before the change, and then become attracted to men afterward, going -- in one sense -- from straight to gay and vice versa. (But be advised this does not mean that a gay person's sexual orientation can be changed.)

Many transsexuals are not gay.

Don Juan Homosexuals

What is a "Don Juan homosexual" and are there many of them? Anon.

You don't hear the term much anymore but a Don Juan homosexual is a man who sleeps with and/or gets involved romantically with many, many women because he can't deal with his homosexuality and wants to prove to himself and others that he's a "man." He takes the notion that a "virile" man must be heterosexual too literally. You would think that Gay Liberation would have eradicated most of these guys, but they still exist. There are men who have had several marriages (none successful) and many children who are actually repressed homosexuals -- they can sleep with women successfully but their main sexual attraction is to men. Some of these guys do have sex with men but do it on the "downlow," ashamed of their feelings and actions. They often have a "macho" meat-headed mindset, but Don Juan homosexuals can often be the more intellectual type. Some of them go their entire lives without having gay sex. They have low self-esteem and it's important for them to be seen as heterosexual, "manly" men and studly lover boys. Their marriages often end not because they cheat with men but with women, each time hoping that this new conquest will be the woman who will convince them forevermore that they're "normal."

Sad, really.

When Gay Friends Split

Hope this question isn't too frivolous for you, Dr. Bill. I'm a straight woman whose been friends for years with two guys who have been lovers for over fifteen years. They broke up only a few months ago but I've remained friends with them and even tried to get them back together -- however, now they don't even want to be in the same room together, it's that bad. I'm having a big fiftieth birthday bash in a couple of months and want both of them there; I still love both of them. Some of my friends, gay and straight, tell me that I just can't invite both of them -- they will fight with each other, get angry at me, and the whole thing will become a big mess. What can I do? A.

First, thanks for your question. There's nothing "frivolous" about it. [You should see some of the questions I get.] When a couple -- gay or straight -- breaks up, it's always difficult to stay friends with both and it's admirable that you've managed to do just that. Is there really a danger that they will fight if they encounter each other at your birthday bash? Do they both realize that you have remained friends with the other, or do they each think that you've "chosen sides?" If so, you've got to level with them and ask them both to be reasonable. This is your big day -- congratulations, by the way -- and if they're really friends of yours they won't want to spoil it. If one or both expect you to choose sides, tell them they're being unfair. Again the key word here is reasonable. If they can't behave in a reasonable fashion, then maybe your only choice is not to invite either of them. (I suspect that they might be big "drama queens," eh? Maybe not.)

A lot depends on where you're having this bash and how many people will be there. Obviously these two men cannot avoid each other if you're having a sit-down dinner or small party with only a few people in your living room. If you're having a larger group in, say, a restaurant, maybe they can stay in neutral corners and out of each other's way.

Talk to them, tell them how you feel, tell them you want both of them there. Understand that if they really hate the idea of seeing one another -- it may simply cause too much pain or anger --one or both may decide not to attend and at least then it will no longer be a problem. You may miss their presence on this special evening, but at least you won't be on edge all night fearing an explosion. Hopefully, they will both decide that their friendship for you is more important than whatever animosity they may feel for each other, but when couples break up after many years, the animosity may sometimes be too big to overcome. At least for awhile.

Hope it works out and have a great night!

Bi -- or Married Homo?

I'm a gay man who's been seeing another man who turned out to my astonishment to be a friend of my brother and sister-in-law's. He works as a carpenter and was at their house the same time I was. I was delighted to see him but he pretended that I was confusing him with somebody else! I was hurt and shocked. It turns out that he's married and in the closet. I confronted him days later in a bar, told him to lose my number, and he said he was all confused and bisexual, as if asking for sympathy. He's been cheating on his wife and lying to me for months. Should I bother with him anymore? And is he really bi or just kidding himself? Anon.

Whatever one thinks of the realities or unrealities of bisexuality, there's a big difference between an openly bisexual man who marries a woman (who knows that he's also attracted to men) and a married homosexual who is only bi in the technical sense -- he sleeps with his wife and has children but is innately homosexual (he sleeps with men, and generally only men, behind his wife's back). Today, many guys who are clearly in the latter category are calling themselves bi, hoping this will make them seem all hip and up-to-date instead of the pathetic closeted dinosaurs they really are. Not having met your carpenter I can't say for certain, but his reaction upon meeting you at your brother's house seems pretty much to tell the story. I mean, pretending he was somebody else!

I'm sorry if you were developing feelings for this man. Maybe he was developing feelings for you and is mulling over his married status and may want to come out and be with you. But if he hasn't said so, don't assume it. Some guys in his position finally get the strength to break free of a constrictive heterosexual relationship when they fall in love with a guy, but others can't give up the wife and family or the straight veneer no matter what -- if your carpenter is in that category, then you've done the right thing by moving on. If he's genuinely bisexual -- a big if, in this case -- then he's just a bi swinger and probably has no reason to, or intention of, ever leaving the wife. In any case, how can you ever trust a man who never bothered to tell you he was married and has, as you say, been lying to you -- and his wife -- for not only months but (in her case) probably years.

If he doesn't indicate an honest, sincere desire to come out and be with you, wish him well and blow him off!

Good luck!

Coming Out to Parents in Middle-Age

I have a gay friend who is in his fifties but still hasn't told his parents he's gay. He says he doesn't want to hurt them. Is it really possible that they don't already know he's gay? R.J.

Improbable but not impossible. They can be in as much denial as some gay people are about themselves, and if their son doesn't conform to any of the usual stereotypes ... I myself have met some older men who are in the closet as far as their parents are concerned, and I confess I think it's a little ridiculous. I mean, most of these guys haven't been on a date with a woman in thirty years, have never had a girlfriend -- most parents aren't stupid. It never occurs to these guys that their parents already suspect they're gay and just want to know that they're happy. If your friend's real problem is that he isn't happy, suggest he get some counseling, or get some Out and Proud friends together to give him a pep talk and realize he can't blame all of his problems -- which everyone has -- on being gay.

The fact is that a lot of these guys don't come out to their parents not because they fear their parents can't take it, or that they'll be "hurt" -- what nonsense -- but because they're dealing with internalized homophobia. It's not about the parents -- it's about them.

Doomed Infatuation

I fear my friend is heading down a dark path. He has become very good friends -- or so he says -- with a much younger man who identifies as straight. My friend says his feelings for this younger man are strictly platonic, but the way he goes on about him it is very clear that he is smitten. I believe the young man is deeply conflicted and in any case will ultimately never allow any older gay man to become too close to him; the possibility of any real relationship is remote. I'm afraid my friend is going to get very hurt but I don't know what to do about it. George.

Sometimes, sadly, there isn't anything you can do about it. If he's in a deep denial about his true feelings for this young man -- or if he just won't talk about it honestly with you -- then there's not a lot you can do. I suspect that you've tried to draw him out on the subject, but he resists. Hopefully as he becomes ever more infatuated he'll turn to his friends for comfort and advice. The best thing you can probably do is be there for him when the ultimate letdown arrives. You're right that young, conflicted men often turn on the older gay men that have been there for them (sometimes out of their own needs, admittedly) and it's never very pretty. A good friend who will listen and help build up his self-esteem, reminding him that there are people who care about him even if his "beloved" does not, will provide some sort of comfort and support.

In the meantime, introduce him to some gay guys his own age who might take his mind off the conflicted pup. The easiest way to get over an infatuation is to meet someone new who can play back your feelings instead of constantly pining for the unattainable.

Gay Parties

How come gay people throw the best parties? Bicurious.

Do we? Well, I remember years ago some Caucasian friends saying that African-Americans "really know how to party" and, therefore, they threw the best parties, and I've heard the same thing said about other minority groups. It's not meant as an insult but it can be a little patronizing. I suppose some gay people say that gays throw the best parties as a simple expression of gay pride. Some straight people might think that gay parties are better because gays (some gays, I hasten to add) are more "fabulous" and colorful, and therefore more "fun". It's generally meant in a positive way but it can be awfully condescending.

Of course some straight-identified, conflicted individuals say gay people throw the best parties simply so they can explain what the hell they were doing at a gay party in the first place!