A Kiss Ain't Just a Kiss

I'm seeing a guy that I really like and we have pretty good sex, but he doesn't seem to be into kissing which is a big disappointment, as it's one of my favorite things to do. I practice good dental hygiene -- in fact that's my profession -- so I know my breath isn't the problem. He knows of my dissatisfaction but all I can ever get is a quick peck now and then. I'm torn between thinking it's just not what he's into and I'll have to accept it and thinking that he's just not into me that much, and I have to accept that, too. How come some guys don't like to kiss? JM.

There are several possible explanations for this. Surprisingly, kissing -- two faces so close together, your tongues possibly intertwining -- is perhaps even more intimate than other sexual practices. This guy may have a problem with intimacy. Ironically, some guys find it easier to fellate a guy than kiss him, especially if -- as you yourself suggested -- they're not that "into" you (not saying that's the case here). This fellow may have an intimacy issue, or for whatever reason he just may not be turned on by kissing. Maybe he's afraid that he has bad breath. But there's another possiblity you'll have to explore.

Do you just have sex with this guy or do you actually go out on dates? Is there any romance in the relationship? And if there is, is it strictly one-sided (your feelings for him, of course)? There are men who can't kiss a guy because it's too "romantic." Men are strictly sex objects to them because of their internalized homophobia. Only "fags" kiss, their conscious or sub-conscious mind tells them. As long as they remain emotionally detached, they can't be homosexual -- or so they think. Which means he's dealing with deeper issues than kissing and could probably use some counseling. (Some of these men self-identify -- rightly or wrongly -- as bisexual, while others see themselves -- wrongly -- as being "straight.")

You might broach the subject with him. If his problem is as described in the second paragraph, he'll probably reveal it as the conversation proceeds. Ask yourself realistically if you can ever see him accepting himself. If the answer is no, then move on. There are other monkeys in the barrel, baby! Besides, who doesn't want somebody who's a great kisser?!

Abusive Neighbors?

My lover and I live next door to a younger gay couple who had a really bad fight the other night. I mean, they were literally knocking each other against the walls. One of them ordered the other out, said they were done, and screeched at him to leave. Apparently the other guy talked him out of it and they were quiet the rest of the night. It's bad enough if they're punching each other out, but I worry that one might be abusing the other. What, if anything, can I do about it? W.

"Quiet the rest of the night," huh? Let's hope they were having really great make-up sex! I get the feeling that you don't know these guys that well or you probably would have talked to them about it already. Even if one is abusing the other -- and sometimes it takes two to have a good knock-down drag-out fight -- he might resent it if you try and talk to him about it. I mean, does this happen on a regular basis? It is indeed troubling that they were getting so physical -- I mean, a fight should never get beyond shouting -- but hopefully it was a one-time thing. If it happens again and is very violent, don't waste time -- call the police. It might save somebody's life. If a moment arises when you feel you can broach the subject with the possibly abused partner, then do so, offering your support. Otherwise, let's hope the punching is over and they'll make love and not war from now on.

Don't Ask

Is it okay to wear white after New Year's? Jen.

Uh, how the hell would I know? I'm a bear, not one of the "fab" four on Queer Eye.

Youth and Beauty?

Why are gay people so obsessed with youth and beauty? Why can't they see past a person's outer surface and appreciate what's on the inside? M

Where are you getting this crazy idea that all gay people are obsessed with youth and beauty, as you put it? Do you you think straight guys go out looking for older, unattractive women when they cruise? Do straight women only want bald older guys with pot bellies (not that there's anything wrong with that)? The hot-looking guys you probably covet may be turning up their noses at you -- but if you only want to date hot-looking guys, why should they be any different? The fact remains -- and this has nothing to do with a person's sex or sexual orientation -- that some people (especially, but not always when they're younger) are more interested in a partner's physical appearance than in his or her "inner beauty."

But there are plenty of people -- gay as well as straight -- who don't necessarily care if someone conforms to a "hot" or Hollywood handsome stereotype. In the bear community, in particular -- as I have noted elsewhere -- being bald, hairy, overweight, middle-aged or older can often be considered an asset. And there are gay men outside the bear community who feel the same way.

I believe that those gay men who feel all other gay men are superficial (a very pre-Stonewall attitude) feel that way because they think everyone else feels the same way they do, but that's just not the case. These men may not have any straight friends or go into straight bars, where they can see that the rules of attraction aren't any different. (The diversity of the gay community and its attitudes are remarkable.)

So if you've been striking out lately why not pass up the "hot" handsome guys and make a pass at someone who may be perfectly nice and pleasant-looking -- if not drop-dead gorgeous -- but also has those superior inner qualities that you claim to be looking for.

Good luck!

Cruising Roommates

I recently spent a very nice night with a man who has a roommate -- not a lover. I run into the roommate in the bars a lot and we find each other attractive, too. My question is -- is it bad form, tacky, for me to go home with a trick's roommate, especially as it's only been a week or so. How long should I wait? Or should I just stick to the first guy? B in Boston.

That depends. Was this a one-night-stand or is the first guy someone you want to keep seeing? If that's the case, then "dating" -- or sleeping with -- his roommate may not be the best idea. It may be fun to have two guys competing for your favors, but it won't be fun for them and, ultimately, it won't be much fun for you, either.

Are you certain these two are only "roommates?" Sometimes guys have a kind of loose, open relationship, but it's still a relationship. I assume they have separate bedrooms. Since the first guy didn't ask the roommate to hop in for a threesome, he really may not like you dating the other guy.

One thing I suggest is that you ask the other guy exactly what's going on, and if he feels sleeping with you would cause problems with his roommate. You can always wait until the first guy is out of town.

By the way, has the second guy actually asked you home yet? You may be attracted to each other but that doesn't mean he plans to poach on his roommate's preserve.

And as always, baby -- stick to safe sex!

Co-worker Wants a Date

There is a fellow at work who keeps pestering me, saying we should go out for a drink, intimating he'd like to date me, and so on. We are both gay, and I don't want to get him in trouble by complaining. I can't say it's reached the level of sexual harassment as yet, but how can I let him know I am simply not interested in him without it snowballing? RR

Now this is an awkward situation. First I have to ask -- are you certain he just doesn't want to be friends with a gay co-worker? If you're certain he's "interested" in you, you can always say you have a monogamous relationship or are dating someone, if you haven't already. If you've told him you're single, tell him now that you've recently "met" someone special. Sometimes telling a little white lie is the best way to go. I recognize that you want to avoid hurt feelings, especially as this is someone you have to work with and see almost every day. Again, if all he's after is friendship, maybe it won't hurt to have a drink with him. Remember that while this may be awkward for you, if he truly has unrequited feelings for you he's in a much worse position. If he graduates from being friendly or flirting to making unwanted advances -- and I only mean something that is way over the top -- you have to be firm with him, warning him that you'll complain if you have to. If you do feel a need to report him, make it clear that his being gay is not the issue. Hopefully he's a reasonable person and this will all go away once he realizes you are simply not available.

Crush on a Straight Guy?

I am a gay man in my twenties and I am infatuated with a friend of mine, who I think is gay. He does not say he is gay but has never had a steady girlfriend -- although he has dated -- and doesn't really seem that interested in women. How can you tell for sure if someone else is gay? I really would like to go to the next level with him but don't want to waste my time if he's straight and get hurt. WR

Well, it could be that he's gay, but it also could be that his seeming disinterest in women is wish-fulfillment on your part. Maybe not. I am assuming he knows you're gay? If not, then coming out to him will probably be the best way of finding out if he, too, is gay. There is no sure way of definitely knowing someone is gay (aside from intimacy) no matter how convinced you may be that he is. If you have good reason to think he's gay -- your "gaydar" is on high alert -- then talking about it with him may be helpful, but be prepared for a negative reaction if he's deeply conflicted.

The trouble is that you're not the best person to help him come out because you have such a stake in it -- your attraction and romantic attachment toward him. Perhaps there's a mutual friend who could sensitively broach the subject for you? You might be so desperate to have him be gay that you might go overboard in your protestations, which will not help at all. (I've been there.)

The thing to remember is that even if he's gay, he won't be much good to you as long as he is closeted, repressed, or conflicted -- he might as well be straight. If you get nowhere with him, it might be best to decide if you think you can realistically handle being "just friends" or if it will be necessary to part company for your own sanity -- that is, your need to get over him and move on.

When you are infatuated with someone, it may seem as if you just can't bear even the thought of not having them in your life, but the truth is that you can get over them. All it takes is meeting someone who can play back your feelings, and brother, they're out there, believe me!

Ultimately it's so much better to hang out with a guy who feels the same way about you than it is to spend your time pining for someone who might well be unattainable.

Let me know how it goes.

Gay Men and Lesbians

I don't mean to offend, but I always get the impression that gay men and lesbians do not like each other. I know its cliche to say that gay people hate members of the opposite sex, but I think this is different cause gay men and straight women seem to get along. Why can't gay men and lesbians get along? S in Phoenix.

Generally I think gay men and lesbians do get along as they are both subject to persecution as homosexuals. I know many gay men who have lesbian friends and vice versa. Sometimes there is a connection between gay men and straight women because both are attracted to males, but this doesn't seem to have carried over in the same way to lesbians and straight men, although certainly they can be friends as well.

So it's not so much that gay men and lesbians don't get along but that they have different interests, and in general people prefer to hang out with others like themselves. As women, lesbians feel that they have issues to deal with -- sexism, for instance -- that gay men do not have to contend with, although a link has been established between misogyny and homophobia (men who hate women often hate homosexuals because they supposedly remind them of women).

Of course some gay men can have sexist attitudes as much as their hetero counterparts. (On the other hand, many gay men are much more understanding of women, because they, too, relate to being discriminated against and looked down upon.) A few gay men have issues with lesbians in particular, primarily because they prefer the company of other (gay) men and don't form friendships with gay women and get to know them, or because they feel some lesbians have no use for men.

The reality is that the gay community is very diverse and misunderstandings between the sexes can certainly occur. But in my experience, most -- if, sadly, not all -- gay men and lesbians are perfectly respectful of one another.

About Gay Bears

What the hell is a 'bear" anyway? I've heard they're part of the gay community but I have no idea what they are or where you find one? Curious in Newport.

A bear is a member of the gay male community who tends to be non-stereotypical in most ways, an average Joe who happens to be gay. At first the bear community consisted only of working class men who seemed to fit a certain type: large, macho, hairy, bear-like men with big beards and bellies. Today there are different classifications of bears, although every bear should have some facial hair and most are masculine. Otters and wolves are slender versions of bears, while cubs are younger bears. Chubbybears are portly men and musclebears are guys with big muscles and well-developed pectorals. Bears are also classified as to the amount of body hair they possess. A very hairy guy is known as a furrybear.

Bears hang out wherever they want but they congregate in certain "bear bars" that cater to bears, as well as in social groups such as Metrobears in New York. There are also bear meets and conventions and even beauty pageants, done tongue-in-cheek of course. Some of the more traditional bears look askew at things like beauty pageants. Bears are probably the largest sub-grouping of the gay male community. There are many, many more bears than there are drag queens for instance. It may not seem that way to some, but that's because bears just look like "average" guys.

In general the bear community is very friendly and down-to-earth with no attitude. Among bears, it isn't about how young, pretty or slim you are. Bears offer an alternative to the attitude that the only attractive men are twentysomething willowy thin guys with hairless skin and pretty faces.

For more info click here.

Gay or Bi?

I am more attracted to men than to women, but I can't see myself living with a man for a lifetime. I don't relate to gay men because I am not effeminate and have no interest in the typical things gay men seem obsessed with, like fashion. Therefore I feel that I must be bisexual instead of gay. Is this correct? What do you think? J in Dallas.

I think you have to realize that the gay community is very diverse and there are many, many gay men who are not effeminate, couldn't care less about fashion, and aren't in the least stereotypical (NOT that there is anything wrong with such men). The vast majority of gay people aren't stereotypical, in fact.

I suppose you could be bi, but it sounds to me as if you're more likely gay and in denial because of your stereotypical notions of gay men. This is fairly common in this age: "I can't be gay because I fill in the blank or because I don't fill in the blank. When you realize that there are many, many gay men like yourself you will hopefully get over this notion that you couldn't possibly have another man as a lifetime partner. [Also remember that bisexuality is generally defined as the ability to fall in love with a member of either sex.] You need to get over your fear of being, or being perceived as, gay. This is what we call internalized homophobia, a self-doubt or self-hated that prevents one from coming fully out of the closet.

Don't worry. Get past stereotypes. You can be very happy as a gay man even if you're not into "fashion." Check out the Bear community, a huge sub-sect of the gay male community full of guys who are generally into stuff that gay men aren't supposed to be into!