Gay or Just Stereotypical?

Dear Bill, I've recently started seeing a guy from my work, let's call him Joe, and I'm having suspicions that he is gay. A few people at work have also thought he was gay including an openly gay man who was surprised when he asked Joe if he was gay to hear that he wasn't and responded by saying he is usually right with his "gaydar." Joe has also admitted to having a good gaydar. In addition to that clue, he also sits with his legs crossed, tries to give me fashion advice when we go shopping (but also complains that I take too long in the store), he was the lead in his high school musicals, he watches dancing shows on tv, he refers to his best friend as his heterosexual life partner (his friend is married to a woman), and when I told him that he and his friend look like a gay couple, he said that a lot of people say that and they've just accepted it. He also says "I'm so gay haha" when he does something gay, such as give me fashion advice, he also is close friends with a gay man who he used to work with. He admits to thinking certain men are attractive, but he says that more about girls; he's been in two long term relationships with women and has no trouble having sex, and is actually constantly horny. I have not asked him about any gay desires or relationships. But I asked him why he thinks people think he is gay and he responded "because I don't care what other people think of me and I'm flamboyant and I sit with my legs crossed." I don't know if I should confront him on a more serious level, because it's all been joking so far, and he is ok with joking about being gay, and I am uncomfortable with looking through his messages. Please give me your opinion, I don't know what to think.

I think you and "Joe" both need to stop stereotyping gay [and straight?] men. I don't know if this guy is gay but it sounds just as likely to me that he's a straight guy who simply rings some gay-stereotype bells, and I personally can't wait until all of society, gay and straight, has gotten past them. I'm a gay man and I never give fashion advice, don't cross my legs in a feminine manner, can't stand those awful dancing shows on TV, and wouldn't have been caught dead being the lead in a musical in high school. Since this is true of many of the gay men of my acquaintance, it is entirely possible that the opposite is also true and this guy really is hetero. You have to remember that not all male fashion designers, musical comedy stars, or even hairdressers are gay; in fact, most aren't. Frankly, Joe doesn't do himself or anyone else [especially gay men] any favors when he goes on about being "so gay" just because he's giving fashion advice and the like. Most gay men couldn't give a shit about ladies or men's fashions. Most of us are just average Joes -- pun intended -- that happen to be gay. Those stereotypical gay men who are effeminate and go on about fashion and divas may seem to be everywhere, but they are only one small portion of the large gay male community.

That being said, "Joe" could still be homosexual [or perhaps bisexual, if you want to get technical, in that he dates/sleeps with women] but only he knows for sure. Check my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay for more advice.

Gay -- or Exhausted?

I'm very concerned and I want an opinion from a professional, instead of my silly girlfriends. We are both in our early twenties. We've been together for  a couple of years. He is a wonderful man, and I love him in a way I can't put in words. He's like the family I've never had. 

Recently, we've had some rough patches. Money is way tight and it's put quite a lot of stress on our relationship. He works long hours and comes home cranky and demoralized. I really try and make home a safe and warm place for him, but it doesn't seem to help. (I wonder if he is depressed.)

 

Our sex life has DIED. I'm still very much enjoying my youth. I want sex every day or at least every other day. He says he is happy with it twice a week, but we can go WEEKS without him touching me intimately. It never really was as freaky or as frequent as I liked it but, I'm at the point where I will take ANYTHING. I'm also very resentful, because he will have me pleasure him and will not return the favor! Selfish! [You can say that again!]

I've tried everything in the book to turn him on like before, but nothing works. What am I doing wrong? It's taken a huge toll on my self-esteem and makes me feel vulnerable to the advances of other men. I've been told by male confidants quite frankly that they will give me what I'm not getting. Sucks. I only want to have relations with my baby.

Also, I am worried he is bisexual/gay. I'm an openly bisexual woman myself (2 on the Kinsey Scale I've recently learned!) and I'd be accepting if he only was honest with himself. Here are a few facts. 

He says he has never had relations with men. His mother thought he was gay for the longest. I introduced him to his prostate, and he loves how it feels. He watches ALOT  of porn. He wants me to buy a strap on. And, he made a strange comment that he was a girl with a penis. I believe he was trying to turn me on. Didn't work. If I wanted to be with a woman I would be, but I'm with a man.... I think [even if he's gay or bi he's still a man].

I'm so hurt. I have a vagina and I want to be with a guy that can appreciate it. I don't want a dick. Pardon, my language. This is very emotional for me. So, are my fears unfounded? Is there a way to communicate without him getting defensive? Is this penis obsession gay or just another part of fluid human sexuality? Is he transgender??

Any help would be a blessing.

Sincerely,

Horny with a Broken Heart

 

"Horny," there are a great many reasons why a guy suddenly loses interest in having sex with his wife or girlfriend. It could be depression or extreme fatigue, he could be having an affair, he could have a low sex drive or even be basically asexual. So let's concentrate on the remarks he made that make you think he might be gay or bisexual: the strap-on, the "girl with a penis"  etc. I can see why these might make you wonder, though in of themselves they're not enough to go on, as I don't know the context and he could have been joking. Why did his mother think he was gay? Are you his first girlfriend [of course he's not all that old].

Some of his remarks might indicate that he's still finding himself when it comes to his sexuality. He might not be able to answer your questions because he doesn't know the answers himself.  Although there's no way I could be certain about this, there is always the possibility that he's a gay man who is nervous about sexual experiences with other men and wants to try certain things with his girlfriend first. If you haven't already, read my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay. Then consider talking to him about his sexuality. You can start the conversation by asking how he feels about gay people and take it from there. Has he ever had sexual thoughts about men, or had a homosexual encounter? Make sure he's relaxed and lead him into it. The conversation may flow more easily than you imagine. It might turn out that he needs counseling or therapy, whether he's gay or not.

There's also the possibility of the two of you going in for couples therapy or counseling.

In any case, a couple at any age should have and deserve a healthy sex life, and if the main problem turns out to be that he's lost interest in sex [with you and with anyone] then he should get a complete physical exam, and if necessary, a psychological one. 

But take heart. As you yourself suggested, this may be a simple matter of a man who is depressed by money troubles and exhausted by too many hours of work. Given time, it may work itself out. And by all means, insist that he return the favor when you do  engage in sexual activity and not just let you pleasure him. It's the least he can do. 

Best of luck.

De Blasio's Lesbian Wife?

Democratic mayoral candidate Bill de Blasio has a wife, Chirlane McCray, who years ago wrote about being a black lesbian for Essense magazine. She doesn't identity as bisexual who fell in love with a man but says she is a "former" lesbian. Isn't she basically an "ex-gay?" Now de Blasio is running against openly gay Christine Quinn and his wife has made remarks that border on homophobia. Is de Blasio also an ex-gay or closet queen? Is this a case of two homosexuals getting married because they think they'll get farther in politics and life? 

I wouldn't doubt it, as I know such couples exist, but no one aside from the de Blasios can say for certain. 

To all intents and purposes, McCray does come off to me as an "ex-gay," even if she doesn't generally make negative pronouncements against gay people to my knowledge [although I agree that her comments regarding Ms. Quinn were highly questionable and her response to criticism about it as specious as earlier remarks concerning her sexual orientation]. 

Let's take a moment to examine a statement she made regarding her sexuality:

 “I am more than just a label. Why are people so driven to labeling where we fall on the sexual spectrum? Labels put people in boxes, and those boxes are shaped like coffins [!]. Finding the right person can be so hard that often, when a person finally finds someone she or he is comfortable with, she or he just makes it work. As my friend Vanessa says, 'It's not whom you love; it's that you love.'"

This is just the sort of thing used by self-hating homosexuals and closet cases to duck the whole [to them] odious gay issue. McCray doesn't understand that "labeling" yourself as gay is one way of expressing your pride [your lack of shame] in being gay and fighting against the oppression of the closet that has made it that much tougher over the years for gay men and women to finally have all of their rights. If you carefully examine her words you get the impression this is a mixed marriage of companionship and compromise, and hardly a union of genuine honesty and passion. In other words, a friendship that helps each person meet each other's supposed needs. McCray's reference to "boxes shaped like coffins" is also very telling, revealing that her unconscious mind thinks being gay is a dead end. This is in my opinion a woman full of severe self-hated and very negative attitudes about being a lesbian, regardless of how she may have consciously felt years before. Maybe she was very badly hurt by another woman or never met one whom she felt could help her reach her goals.  

People who claim this is a "non-issue," such as Kat Stoffel in a brief piece in New York magazine, are missing the point. In these more enlightened [but hardly totally enlightened] days of gay marriage, the fact is that sham and "mixed" marriages and "former" lesbians, harkening back as they do to feelings of shame and negativity, are very passe and tiresome indeed.

Love and Justice

Years ago I fell in love with a man who basically told me he hated me and wanted me out of his life even though I did nothing wrong but tell him I liked him.  With the horrible way he treated me, I thought his behavior was indicative of a personality disorder. But this past July he and his boyfriend of 4 years got married.  This is a picture; as you can see, they are beautiful. I really thought that the man who treated me so horribly would have been punished somehow.  But as you can see, he has been rewarded immeasurably with a man who is 15 years younger, tall, broad-shouldered with a great smile.  Did I forget to mention he practically supports him.  Anyways, will my heart ever be mended?  Will I ever find justice?  Will the guy on the right ever get karma?

Here are my thoughts on this:

First,  if things haven't worked out, for one reason or another, with someone you hoped might become a significant other, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is checking their Facebook page to see who they wound up with -- or if they wound up with anybody. I'm speaking from experience here. If you happen to be single, looking at photos of the guy you really liked enjoying happy domesticity, vacations, a life together, with someone else practically amounts to an act of masochism. 

However, keep in mind -- as a friend recently reminded me --  that photographs of smiling faces do not always tell the whole story. You do not know if this couple are going to have decades of wedded bliss or if it will all fall apart in a few months [not to be mean, of course, but gay marriages are just as subject to failure and divorce as straight ones].

If it's true that this guy told you he hated you simply because you liked him [and presumably he didn't feel the same], then he does sound like he has some kind of personality disorder, (or is there more to the story) and you are probably well rid of him!  He's that other guy's problem now. And if he's supporting the younger man, how do we even know this is a real love match, or if he may come to regret ever hooking up with the unemployed fellow? [Of course, gay husbands have just as much a right to support their spouses as straight ones do.]

But ultimately none of that is important. Your heart will mend. Forget about this guy, stop checking out their Facebook pages, move on, find love elsewhere, with someone who will treat you with kindness and the right kind of passion. You don't need justice, you need a boyfriend!

In the meantime, it's okay to indulge in a little mean-spiritedness. [For instance: In my case, the guy I liked dumped me for a guy who was ten years younger than me. Is it my fault if I can't help but note that his lover happens to look ten years older, LOL!]

For all you know, the younger lover of the guy you liked may run off with all of his money, leaving him homeless and desperate. I discovered that there's rarely any need to get revenge on anybody; life's problems are revenge enough. Besides, was this guy as terrible to you as you suggest, or was it simply that he just wasn't interested? That doesn't necessarily make him evil, although he may seem that way to you.

It's worth repeating that if he was an evil dickhead, you are well rid of him. 

Boyfriend Stares at Men

I'm kind of convinced the guy I've been dating for 6 months may be gay. He stares at other men ALL the time; only wants oral from me (says sex with a condom is difficult); and now seems to be attempting to interact with a tranny on FB whom he is not friends with (okay, he liked one post but there seems to be "straight" men buzzing about her page). I've asked him twice (sort of) if he was gay; once when we were in bed. He simply said no. I called him out when we were out one night. He stared at several men for a prolonged period of time. Upon hearing my assertion that he stared at men too long he got angry.

A few nights ago he stared at several men on the way home. He kept on looking back at me to see if I was looking ... I was.

Your thoughts? I want to say my instincts are right. He has loads of other issues I don't have time to discuss including some nerve and back problems which makes me understand the lack of sex but not his odd -- for a "straight guy" -- behaviour.


Many thanks!

Well, frankly, his staring at other guys -- and especially his trying to do it surreptitiously -- is a big red flag. Also, some men who are attracted to other men are initially interested in trans women or drag queens because they see them as women [of course trans women are women] but are turned on by the masculine connection -- a drag queen is still a guy and has a penis, while a trans woman once had a penis [or still does if she hasn't had surgery yet]. Men who get sexually involved with them can tell themselves they're not really having sex with a man [which is true in the case of the Trans woman, but not with the drag queen.]

I would say this fellow at least has some attraction for men but isn't ready to be upfront about it. The problem is, until he's ready, you don't know if he's gay or genuinely bi, and if the latter, if his preference [if he's totally honest with himself] is men, in which case he might as well be gay. Who needs a conflicted boyfriend who may be planning sexual escapades behind your back?

Try and draw him out in a sympathetic, non-judgmental way. If he seems deceptive or hostile, you're probably better off moving on.  

Gay/LGBT resources online

Dear Bill,

Hello, my name is Joseph Atkins. I'm the webmaster and editor of the

Gay Dating Blog. We regularly compile lists about different LGBT dating,

relationship, and other social topics. Earlier today, we published a new resource:

"Top 50 LGBT Google+ Pages Worth Following". I thought you may want to have a look:

http://www.gaydatingsites.net/top-50-lgbt-google-pages-worth-following/

We would appreciate if you could link to our article if you think

that your audience may find it of interest. 

And of course, please feel free to e-mail me with any questions or

suggestions for the list.

Thanks,

Joseph Atkins // Gay Dating Blog

http://www.gaydatingsites.net/blog/

Twitter: @GayDatingNet

Thank you. This is a list of gay/LGBT web sites and resources on a variety of subjects, including activism, gay dads, children of gays, dating sites, and so on. Check it out! 

 

Gay or Not?

Dear Bill, I been with my boyfriend for almost a year and I am now pregnant. I been having problems with him texting females. After a recent break up, I was getting on my computer and I noticed his Gmail account was still up so I decided to go through it. While going through it, I saw a message, what I thought was from a female website, but turned out to be a bi/gay website. His name was very intimate like he had been on a gay website before. And I saw where a guy sent him his number and he replied OK. Since he is very secretive and protective over his phone, I'm not sure if he ever contacted the guy. I immediately called his sister, and later she asked him about it in a deep conversation and he said he didn't have a Gmail account then later replied that maybe someone hacked his name. If it were hacked then why was he logged on to my computer with that exact profile?? He later stated that he was gonna commit suicide. So we got back together but I can't think of him as the same guy. He is not a very sensitive person, he is more thuggish actually. I don't notice too much homophobia coming from him. I'm scared to ask why he was on that website so I don't know what to do. I do love him but I can't be with him if he likes men. It's one thing to cheat with a woman but its another level to cheat with a man. I need your help. 

It's very difficult to be with someone who keeps secrets with you and isn't honest about himself. He is probably struggling to accept his attraction to men, and unable to admit it to others just yet. If you haven't done so already, you have to sit him down and with love and sympathy and in a non-judgmental way, ask him some tough questions. You're absolutely right that it is a whole different level if a man cheats on his wife or girlfriend with men, because that indicates that he might well be gay and should have a male partner. You have a right to know what's going on with the guy and the truth about his sexual orientation. If he is gay, or a possibly bisexual man whose preference -- if he's totally honesty with himself -- is men, then a long-term relationship with him becomes problematic.

There are "macho" -- or as you put it -- thuggish men who are gay and who are ashamed of and embarrassed by it. They often seek out women to use as beards (cover-ups) and to sleep with to prove they are "men." Their attitudes are, sadly, very out of date, but there are many guys like this still around. Hopefully he can learn to accept himself and could probably use some counseling. It's tough for you to have a gay boyfriend, but hopefully both of you can agree to care for your child while moving on with more appropriate partners.

Freedom to Marry campaign

Hello Bill

I thought you would like to know about the new crowdfunding campaign to raise money for the nonprofit, Freedom to Marry - The campaign just launched and was started by four LGBT companies who are donating all of the campaign's "thank you gifts" - Wolfe Video, Sweet Travel, oneGoodLove.com and Lesbian.com. So far, we've almost raised $2,000! The full story is below.

• Here is the campaign: http://igg.me/at/freetomarry

• Our press release is here: http://prlog.org/12170587

• We have till August 5th to raise our goal of $25,000 (or more) and would love your support.

• We also have a short redirect link for Twitter: http://yeslgbt.com


Thank you,

Jennifer L. Jacobson, Wolfe VideoDirector of Crowdfunding


Thank you for the information. This is certainly a good cause to get behind and make a donation to! 

Gay Men, Straight Porn

Hello Bill. I have a life long friend and he wants to do a straight porn video. He is gay so this sounds crazy. Would he be mentally damaged? Is there such a thing as gay men doing straight porn? Are there any gay men on record as having done str8 porn? Why would a straight studio hire gay men to fuck women?

I think there are actually a lot of gay men doing straight porn, although they may not identify as such. These are the same men who do gay porn but who insist that they are straight, or at least are leading straight lives -- and there are a lot of those.  If you want to get technical, these men are at least bisexual in some sense, but just can't take the next step in even admitting that, although they suck and fuck men as much as women for a living! Sad, really.

I don't know why your gay friend wants to do straight porn. Perhaps he thinks there's more money in it. Perhaps he's fallen pray to the out-dated, homophobic notion that you're not a "real man" unless you have sex with women. I assume he doesn't date women or sleep with them in a "regular" environment, so perhaps the whole thing has to do with his image or with money.

Being gay doesn't necessarily mean that a man finds women repulsive, or can't function with them. A gay man who sleeps with a woman probably won't be "mentally damaged," unless he gets the wrong idea that a "successful" [if undoubtedly unsatisfying] experience with a female means that he's heterosexual or even bi, when it generally doesn't.

I do get that you think he's being pretty silly, and he probably is. All he needs is one great experience with one hot guy and he'll probably forget all about doing straight porn!

Gay Bears and Anal Sex

I noticed that gay bears like anal sex just like other gays. Usually stockier (includes bodybuilders) men eat what I call a "rough diet" from what I understand. So with that in mind, how do bear bottoms "clean" themselves? How are their douching and eating techniques good enough to possibly enjoy anal sex? One time when I wasn't 100% clean, the doors wouldn't even open. Thank you for answering my dated, oblivious [?] question.
  
Okayyyy ...  well this is probably a dated and obvious -- or even oblivious -- answer, but I assume bears take thorough showers like everyone else. Even men with hair both outside and inside their ass can do a good job of cleaning themselves with plenty of soap and a strong stream of water. In between showers things are a bit more problematic, but if you're going to take someone home with you and think there may be a problem, you can suggest you both shower both before sex and after. If you're referring to what your penis might encounter on its way up a rectum, well -- again, that's what condoms and showers [not golden showers, which is something else] are for. If a "rough diet" includes roughage you might not encounter, shall we say, too much of a bad thing when you're pumping away. It's very rare when you fuck a guy not to occasionally get some, well, crud on your dick [or condom]; sorry.