De Blasio's Lesbian Wife?

Democratic mayoral candidate Bill de Blasio has a wife, Chirlane McCray, who years ago wrote about being a black lesbian for Essense magazine. She doesn't identity as bisexual who fell in love with a man but says she is a "former" lesbian. Isn't she basically an "ex-gay?" Now de Blasio is running against openly gay Christine Quinn and his wife has made remarks that border on homophobia. Is de Blasio also an ex-gay or closet queen? Is this a case of two homosexuals getting married because they think they'll get farther in politics and life? 

I wouldn't doubt it, as I know such couples exist, but no one aside from the de Blasios can say for certain. 

To all intents and purposes, McCray does come off to me as an "ex-gay," even if she doesn't generally make negative pronouncements against gay people to my knowledge [although I agree that her comments regarding Ms. Quinn were highly questionable and her response to criticism about it as specious as earlier remarks concerning her sexual orientation]. 

Let's take a moment to examine a statement she made regarding her sexuality:

 “I am more than just a label. Why are people so driven to labeling where we fall on the sexual spectrum? Labels put people in boxes, and those boxes are shaped like coffins [!]. Finding the right person can be so hard that often, when a person finally finds someone she or he is comfortable with, she or he just makes it work. As my friend Vanessa says, 'It's not whom you love; it's that you love.'"

This is just the sort of thing used by self-hating homosexuals and closet cases to duck the whole [to them] odious gay issue. McCray doesn't understand that "labeling" yourself as gay is one way of expressing your pride [your lack of shame] in being gay and fighting against the oppression of the closet that has made it that much tougher over the years for gay men and women to finally have all of their rights. If you carefully examine her words you get the impression this is a mixed marriage of companionship and compromise, and hardly a union of genuine honesty and passion. In other words, a friendship that helps each person meet each other's supposed needs. McCray's reference to "boxes shaped like coffins" is also very telling, revealing that her unconscious mind thinks being gay is a dead end. This is in my opinion a woman full of severe self-hated and very negative attitudes about being a lesbian, regardless of how she may have consciously felt years before. Maybe she was very badly hurt by another woman or never met one whom she felt could help her reach her goals.  

People who claim this is a "non-issue," such as Kat Stoffel in a brief piece in New York magazine, are missing the point. In these more enlightened [but hardly totally enlightened] days of gay marriage, the fact is that sham and "mixed" marriages and "former" lesbians, harkening back as they do to feelings of shame and negativity, are very passe and tiresome indeed.

Love and Justice

Years ago I fell in love with a man who basically told me he hated me and wanted me out of his life even though I did nothing wrong but tell him I liked him.  With the horrible way he treated me, I thought his behavior was indicative of a personality disorder. But this past July he and his boyfriend of 4 years got married.  This is a picture; as you can see, they are beautiful. I really thought that the man who treated me so horribly would have been punished somehow.  But as you can see, he has been rewarded immeasurably with a man who is 15 years younger, tall, broad-shouldered with a great smile.  Did I forget to mention he practically supports him.  Anyways, will my heart ever be mended?  Will I ever find justice?  Will the guy on the right ever get karma?

Here are my thoughts on this:

First,  if things haven't worked out, for one reason or another, with someone you hoped might become a significant other, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is checking their Facebook page to see who they wound up with -- or if they wound up with anybody. I'm speaking from experience here. If you happen to be single, looking at photos of the guy you really liked enjoying happy domesticity, vacations, a life together, with someone else practically amounts to an act of masochism. 

However, keep in mind -- as a friend recently reminded me --  that photographs of smiling faces do not always tell the whole story. You do not know if this couple are going to have decades of wedded bliss or if it will all fall apart in a few months [not to be mean, of course, but gay marriages are just as subject to failure and divorce as straight ones].

If it's true that this guy told you he hated you simply because you liked him [and presumably he didn't feel the same], then he does sound like he has some kind of personality disorder, (or is there more to the story) and you are probably well rid of him!  He's that other guy's problem now. And if he's supporting the younger man, how do we even know this is a real love match, or if he may come to regret ever hooking up with the unemployed fellow? [Of course, gay husbands have just as much a right to support their spouses as straight ones do.]

But ultimately none of that is important. Your heart will mend. Forget about this guy, stop checking out their Facebook pages, move on, find love elsewhere, with someone who will treat you with kindness and the right kind of passion. You don't need justice, you need a boyfriend!

In the meantime, it's okay to indulge in a little mean-spiritedness. [For instance: In my case, the guy I liked dumped me for a guy who was ten years younger than me. Is it my fault if I can't help but note that his lover happens to look ten years older, LOL!]

For all you know, the younger lover of the guy you liked may run off with all of his money, leaving him homeless and desperate. I discovered that there's rarely any need to get revenge on anybody; life's problems are revenge enough. Besides, was this guy as terrible to you as you suggest, or was it simply that he just wasn't interested? That doesn't necessarily make him evil, although he may seem that way to you.

It's worth repeating that if he was an evil dickhead, you are well rid of him. 

Boyfriend Stares at Men

I'm kind of convinced the guy I've been dating for 6 months may be gay. He stares at other men ALL the time; only wants oral from me (says sex with a condom is difficult); and now seems to be attempting to interact with a tranny on FB whom he is not friends with (okay, he liked one post but there seems to be "straight" men buzzing about her page). I've asked him twice (sort of) if he was gay; once when we were in bed. He simply said no. I called him out when we were out one night. He stared at several men for a prolonged period of time. Upon hearing my assertion that he stared at men too long he got angry.

A few nights ago he stared at several men on the way home. He kept on looking back at me to see if I was looking ... I was.

Your thoughts? I want to say my instincts are right. He has loads of other issues I don't have time to discuss including some nerve and back problems which makes me understand the lack of sex but not his odd -- for a "straight guy" -- behaviour.


Many thanks!

Well, frankly, his staring at other guys -- and especially his trying to do it surreptitiously -- is a big red flag. Also, some men who are attracted to other men are initially interested in trans women or drag queens because they see them as women [of course trans women are women] but are turned on by the masculine connection -- a drag queen is still a guy and has a penis, while a trans woman once had a penis [or still does if she hasn't had surgery yet]. Men who get sexually involved with them can tell themselves they're not really having sex with a man [which is true in the case of the Trans woman, but not with the drag queen.]

I would say this fellow at least has some attraction for men but isn't ready to be upfront about it. The problem is, until he's ready, you don't know if he's gay or genuinely bi, and if the latter, if his preference [if he's totally honest with himself] is men, in which case he might as well be gay. Who needs a conflicted boyfriend who may be planning sexual escapades behind your back?

Try and draw him out in a sympathetic, non-judgmental way. If he seems deceptive or hostile, you're probably better off moving on.  

Gay/LGBT resources online

Dear Bill,

Hello, my name is Joseph Atkins. I'm the webmaster and editor of the

Gay Dating Blog. We regularly compile lists about different LGBT dating,

relationship, and other social topics. Earlier today, we published a new resource:

"Top 50 LGBT Google+ Pages Worth Following". I thought you may want to have a look:

http://www.gaydatingsites.net/top-50-lgbt-google-pages-worth-following/

We would appreciate if you could link to our article if you think

that your audience may find it of interest. 

And of course, please feel free to e-mail me with any questions or

suggestions for the list.

Thanks,

Joseph Atkins // Gay Dating Blog

http://www.gaydatingsites.net/blog/

Twitter: @GayDatingNet

Thank you. This is a list of gay/LGBT web sites and resources on a variety of subjects, including activism, gay dads, children of gays, dating sites, and so on. Check it out! 

 

Gay or Not?

Dear Bill, I been with my boyfriend for almost a year and I am now pregnant. I been having problems with him texting females. After a recent break up, I was getting on my computer and I noticed his Gmail account was still up so I decided to go through it. While going through it, I saw a message, what I thought was from a female website, but turned out to be a bi/gay website. His name was very intimate like he had been on a gay website before. And I saw where a guy sent him his number and he replied OK. Since he is very secretive and protective over his phone, I'm not sure if he ever contacted the guy. I immediately called his sister, and later she asked him about it in a deep conversation and he said he didn't have a Gmail account then later replied that maybe someone hacked his name. If it were hacked then why was he logged on to my computer with that exact profile?? He later stated that he was gonna commit suicide. So we got back together but I can't think of him as the same guy. He is not a very sensitive person, he is more thuggish actually. I don't notice too much homophobia coming from him. I'm scared to ask why he was on that website so I don't know what to do. I do love him but I can't be with him if he likes men. It's one thing to cheat with a woman but its another level to cheat with a man. I need your help. 

It's very difficult to be with someone who keeps secrets with you and isn't honest about himself. He is probably struggling to accept his attraction to men, and unable to admit it to others just yet. If you haven't done so already, you have to sit him down and with love and sympathy and in a non-judgmental way, ask him some tough questions. You're absolutely right that it is a whole different level if a man cheats on his wife or girlfriend with men, because that indicates that he might well be gay and should have a male partner. You have a right to know what's going on with the guy and the truth about his sexual orientation. If he is gay, or a possibly bisexual man whose preference -- if he's totally honesty with himself -- is men, then a long-term relationship with him becomes problematic.

There are "macho" -- or as you put it -- thuggish men who are gay and who are ashamed of and embarrassed by it. They often seek out women to use as beards (cover-ups) and to sleep with to prove they are "men." Their attitudes are, sadly, very out of date, but there are many guys like this still around. Hopefully he can learn to accept himself and could probably use some counseling. It's tough for you to have a gay boyfriend, but hopefully both of you can agree to care for your child while moving on with more appropriate partners.

Freedom to Marry campaign

Hello Bill

I thought you would like to know about the new crowdfunding campaign to raise money for the nonprofit, Freedom to Marry - The campaign just launched and was started by four LGBT companies who are donating all of the campaign's "thank you gifts" - Wolfe Video, Sweet Travel, oneGoodLove.com and Lesbian.com. So far, we've almost raised $2,000! The full story is below.

• Here is the campaign: http://igg.me/at/freetomarry

• Our press release is here: http://prlog.org/12170587

• We have till August 5th to raise our goal of $25,000 (or more) and would love your support.

• We also have a short redirect link for Twitter: http://yeslgbt.com


Thank you,

Jennifer L. Jacobson, Wolfe VideoDirector of Crowdfunding


Thank you for the information. This is certainly a good cause to get behind and make a donation to! 

Gay Men, Straight Porn

Hello Bill. I have a life long friend and he wants to do a straight porn video. He is gay so this sounds crazy. Would he be mentally damaged? Is there such a thing as gay men doing straight porn? Are there any gay men on record as having done str8 porn? Why would a straight studio hire gay men to fuck women?

I think there are actually a lot of gay men doing straight porn, although they may not identify as such. These are the same men who do gay porn but who insist that they are straight, or at least are leading straight lives -- and there are a lot of those.  If you want to get technical, these men are at least bisexual in some sense, but just can't take the next step in even admitting that, although they suck and fuck men as much as women for a living! Sad, really.

I don't know why your gay friend wants to do straight porn. Perhaps he thinks there's more money in it. Perhaps he's fallen pray to the out-dated, homophobic notion that you're not a "real man" unless you have sex with women. I assume he doesn't date women or sleep with them in a "regular" environment, so perhaps the whole thing has to do with his image or with money.

Being gay doesn't necessarily mean that a man finds women repulsive, or can't function with them. A gay man who sleeps with a woman probably won't be "mentally damaged," unless he gets the wrong idea that a "successful" [if undoubtedly unsatisfying] experience with a female means that he's heterosexual or even bi, when it generally doesn't.

I do get that you think he's being pretty silly, and he probably is. All he needs is one great experience with one hot guy and he'll probably forget all about doing straight porn!

Gay Bears and Anal Sex

I noticed that gay bears like anal sex just like other gays. Usually stockier (includes bodybuilders) men eat what I call a "rough diet" from what I understand. So with that in mind, how do bear bottoms "clean" themselves? How are their douching and eating techniques good enough to possibly enjoy anal sex? One time when I wasn't 100% clean, the doors wouldn't even open. Thank you for answering my dated, oblivious [?] question.
  
Okayyyy ...  well this is probably a dated and obvious -- or even oblivious -- answer, but I assume bears take thorough showers like everyone else. Even men with hair both outside and inside their ass can do a good job of cleaning themselves with plenty of soap and a strong stream of water. In between showers things are a bit more problematic, but if you're going to take someone home with you and think there may be a problem, you can suggest you both shower both before sex and after. If you're referring to what your penis might encounter on its way up a rectum, well -- again, that's what condoms and showers [not golden showers, which is something else] are for. If a "rough diet" includes roughage you might not encounter, shall we say, too much of a bad thing when you're pumping away. It's very rare when you fuck a guy not to occasionally get some, well, crud on your dick [or condom]; sorry.

Bill's Media Watch: Recent "Gay" TV Characters

Well, I'm not certain I'd call the characters on the shows Revenge [ABC] and The Following [Fox] gay or sexually ambiguous -- rather they seem to be gay only when the script calls for it.

Revenge, which was created by Mike Kelley and just finished its second season, deals with a young woman, Emily, who ruthlessly gets even with anyone who had a hand in framing and killing her innocent father. He was accused of being a terrorist and of downing a plane with hundreds of people aboard [these people and their grieving relatives seem rarely if ever to be mentioned].

There are no actual out and proud gay characters on this supposedly hip program. There was a nutty, now-deceased fellow who told his girlfriend he slept with another character, Nolan, only as a power play -- he wasn't gay [sure]. As for Nolan, played by Gabriel Mann, it's hard to know what to make of him. I don't know anything of Mann's private life, but he plays the supposedly bisexual character as if he were channeling every soap opera diva he'd ever seen, including Joan Collins. He's not a bad actor, but you have to take his Nolan with a large grain of salt. He acts so swish at times that when they gave Nolan an alleged romance with a woman it was so unconvincing as to be laughable, and the two actors had little erotic chemistry. I don't recall Nolan going to bed with this gal, and the only man we ever have seen him with is the aforementioned psychopath [an ex-boyfriend briefly appeared], but both of them wound up dead, so maybe getting involved with Nolan is slightly dangerous to your health. In the first season the wimpy Nolan allowed himself to be bossed around shamefully by the often tyrannical Emily, whom he calls "Ems" -- isn't that precious [although even some of the straight male characters have followed suit]? During the second season he seemed to develop some balls as regards to Emily -- just as he was falling for a female  -- making you wonder what kind of message the show is supposed to be sending -- assuming a program like Revenge has enough on its mind to send any kind of message. In any case, Revenge  is getting too complicated and moving too far away from its central premise, and Nolan remains an irritating character. Revenge seems determined to avoid any real gay relationships, be they healthy or dysfunctional, and so far the only "queer" characters have been either mentally disturbed or blatantly stereotypical. [We won't even go into the nasty gal, almost an evil lesbian, who claimed she was having an affair with another female character, but supposedly wasn't.] Bad show, Kelley.

Things are even stranger on The Following, which was created by openly gay screenwriter Kevin Williamson. The premise of the show, which is intriguing, is that a certain charismatic serial killer named Joe Carroll has developed a cult of equally sociopathic sycophants, who have infiltrated society and the police force and will do anything he tells him, including murdering his enemies. It would have been nice had Williamson included a gay FBI agent [not a white bread character, necessarily, but at least someone heroic], but he probably thought he was being unpredictable by going another route. Two of "followers" are assigned to keep watch on Carroll's ex-wife by pretending to be a gay couple next door, only neither are gay. [Apparently playing gay will make them seem less threatening or something.] Only it turns out that at least one of the two guys is attracted to the other, and is becoming accepting of his homosexuality, while the other one, who also seems to be attracted to his "partner," is in denial [or could be another supposedly bisexual character]. Anyway, as the show wound up its first season earlier this year, the conflicted partner murdered the gay one [his first kill was of the man who loved him], supposedly to keep him out of the hands of the police, but is also on the outs with his former girlfriend. The trouble with The Following is that many members of the following seem much too intelligent and together to be members of a cult, as such groups mostly attract utter losers. Another problem is that the "queer" characters on the show are all seriously disturbed or full of old-fashioned self-hatred. Admittedly, their sexual orientation may not be responsible for their sick psychology, but even so. . .  Flawed human beings are one thing, psychos another. Williamson may be going somewhere with this, but I won't be around for the second season to find out. Plenty of drama could have been worked up by having a gay FBI agent; substituting a couple of murderous freaks is hardly the way to go. Bad show, Williamson.

Boyfriend with Financial Issues

I am a 47-year-old gay man, healthy, in good shape, told I'm attractive. I have been dating a man in his late thirties. People have told me that the age difference is not very apparent, and it doesn't seem to make any difference anyway. I think we are a realistic couple; he is attractive but not so gorgeous that he is out of my league. I make more money than he does, but that's no problem. Now and then I'll pick up a check; he does not encourage it. Just a while ago he asked me to move in with him to his house -- we would be a couple -- but it seems there was a stipulation. He told me that the house needed many repairs, some cosmetic, some not, and asked me to pay for them, his rationale being that this would be my home, too, and that if by any chance I should outlive him the house would become mine, as he was leaving it to me in my will. None of this sounds all that unreasonable but I confess I was a little put out. I hadn't even made up my mind to move in and already he's asking me to put in a significant amount of money into the house, many thousands of dollars. I can afford it, but I'm worried. It just makes me feel that maybe my being a little well-off as compared to him is what really matters to him. I should say that he works, has some money in the bank, and our sex life is more than adequate. Maybe I'm just lonely ... what do you think? He also wants to go to a bear meet but indicated that I would have to pay for both of us.

Paying for home repairs when you're just embarking on a committed relationship [after dating for a short while, I imagine?]  is a little sticky, especially if most of the problems are merely cosmetic. It is possible he sees you paying for the repairs as a substitute for rent -- you didn't mention it, but lovers rarely are required to pay rent if their partner already lives in a house. Also, he has to pay property taxes on the house, and he may see this as your way of paying your share. [Remind him that fixing up the house will increase the property taxes!]

If your boyfriend is guilty of anything, it's lousy timing. I can well understand why he's got you questioning his motives. What does he want -- a lover, or someone footing the bills? You better sit him down and ask him just what he expects from you. Is he implying or outright stating that you can't move in unless you pay for repairs? Romantic little devil, isn't he?

On the other hand, he does have a point that it will become your home [if not your legal property] once you move in. The whole business with leaving it to you in his will is kind of moot since no one knows at this point who will outlive the other, but it's something.

I think the real problem is that you've haven't made a full commitment to this guy in your heart. Why should you pay "many thousands" of dollars for home improvement if you wind up splitting up with the guy and moving out in a matter of months? Is he willing to pay you back if things don't work out?

I hate to resort to cliches, but as they say, you never know someone until you live with him. Tell him you need a period of adjustment before you can give him a definite answer about the money. It's not that you won't do it, but you have to see how it feels living with him, in this strange house [and, presumably, a different neighborhood?] and so on. There are just so many variables and unknowns -- for both of you.

But handle this delicately. He may be a perfectly nice guy and the two of you might make a damn good fit, both in and out of bed. Just explain that he's being just a little premature. If he's really in love with you he'll be willing to wait. Move in with him if you want, and see what happens. Offer to pay some rent in the meantime so he doesn't think you just want a free place to live!

As for paying for the bear meet, that could also run into significant money, but it's also true that he may not be able to afford it, and equally true that it will be less fun without him  -- make it a loan instead with no hurry to pay it back and see how he reacts. You can always forgive the debt if things work out and sue him for it if it doesn't, LOL.

Good luck!