All my boyfriend ever wants to do is smooch, smooch,smooch, but when I try to do something a little bit sexier, y'know fellatio, analism, he backs off. We get naked, and we make out -- and that's it! He seems very, very attracted to me as I am to him, but I can't figure out why he doesn't want to have sex. When I put it to him he just says, "I really like kissing." Forget about a blow job, he won't even touch my dick. I just can't figure out what's going on? Am I with the wrong guy?
Don't jump to conclusions. There are people who prefer kissing over everything else, but I'd be willing to bet that this guy simply wants to stick to very safe sex. However, the fact that he won't even indulge in mutual masturbation -- totally safe -- is a little odd. It may be that he has an abnormal fear of AIDS [safe -- or at least safer -- sex can include other things besides kissing], or perhaps he's HIV positive and can't bring himself to tell you. [For the record it's very unlikely that HIV can be spread via kissing unless both parties have bleeding gums. Even then it's not a given, just a possibility. Contact GMHC -- Gay Men's Health Crisis -- if you have more questions.]
I suggest you sit down and put the question to him, no matter how awkward it may be. Even if he is HIV positive, you can still enjoy safe sex with one another.
But remember, some people are really into kissing. Enjoy!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Man with Boyfriend Wants Wife
I'm a 28 year old guy and i have been bisexual since I was a teenager, but i was exclusively gay in the past 10 years with complete self-acceptance as a homosexual. My boyfriend and i were together for 4 years but now all of a sudden i started seeing my best "girl friend" from another view rather than just as a friend. I confessed to her and she knows everything about me (we're friends for 11 years or so) and we started getting more intimate; she said she can accept whatever happened in the past but once we are committed that's it for monkey business with a girl or with a guy. i totally understand her wish but i am so confused now with a lot of questions that turned my life upside down & is causing me continuous anxiety and depression
-Will i be able to do it?? All other forums and people's experiences say they couldn't do it and at some point of my life i would be unable to suppress same-sex feelings and i never ever wanna think of putting her into this [situation].
-i feel terrible for my boyfriend who believes i am only doing this because i have a strong parental instinct and if I have a child it has to be my own child.
Is it true that i really want to get married to her and constitute our own family (i see her as the perfect match mind-wise and fun-wise) or am i just deceiving myself and it's just a desperate attempt of my unconsciousness to gain social and family acceptance and have the kids i want( i'm from the Middle east in a country where homosexuals face complete social rejection)
i would hate myself if i realized too late that this is the case as i will be just using her! i also feel terrible for my boyfriend , and i don't know how can i help him and help myself , we're both having extremely hard times trying to change the image of me and him living together in the future although we can still be friends but nothing more.
Sometimes when i think of it, i'm like yeah this is the life i want, a loving and understanding wife, kids and a nice family life but sometimes i'm like no, it can't be like that all of sudden , i have never thought of marriage....EVER and you should know i am 80% attracted to males and only 20% attracted to females.
Well, I think you've just answered your own question. At times you say you're bisexual and at others homosexual, but it's clear that whatever you are your preference is men. Just the fact that you're wondering if your "straight" feelings are genuine or if they come from your doubts about your future as a gay man in a hostile atmosphere tells the story. I realize that for some people, especially those who live in countries much more hostile to homosexuals, it would be easier to be straight, but wishing it just doesn't make it so. By trying to live a straight life you might only be doing harm to yourself, the woman you profess to love, and especially your boyfriend.
First, read what I have to say about "mixed marriages" where one partner is straight and the other is gay. Click here.
You say that you're feeling confused and depressed. It is no coincidence that this has happened just after you left your boyfriend and decided to make your bff [best female friend] your lover or wife. I think the truth is obvious and you said it yourself when you wrote: it's just a desperate attempt of my unconsciousness to gain social and family acceptance.
You can't make a total commitment to your girlfriend because a.) you're still in love with your boyfriend and b.) you're basically gay.
If you honestly feel that your boyfriend is not the right man for you for any reason, that doesn't mean you should seek happiness with a member of the opposite sex. I realize that living in an oppressive environment as you do makes things that much more difficult -- to put it mildly -- but if you and your partner have enough love for each other you can triumph over adversity. Your girlfriend can remain a friend who's there for you when you need her.
In the U.S. we have people that are known as "ex-gays." These are homosexual men and women who are full of self-hatred and/or simply feel that their lives will be easier if they are straight, or at least appear to be, so they enter into sham marriages. The vast majority of these people are unable to suppress their true instincts [a terrible thing to do in any case] and wind up having clandestine affairs with members of their own sex. People can't change their sexual orientation no matter how much they may want to.
The truth is, if you're afraid that you'll only be using this woman in your life, that is probably just what you'll be doing.
99% of gay liberation is in the head, as we used to say in the Gay Activists Alliance of New York. That means, if you accept that you're gay -- and that there's nothing wrong in being gay -- you can deal with everything else -- it will give you the strength to persevere.
Good luck!
-Will i be able to do it?? All other forums and people's experiences say they couldn't do it and at some point of my life i would be unable to suppress same-sex feelings and i never ever wanna think of putting her into this [situation].
-i feel terrible for my boyfriend who believes i am only doing this because i have a strong parental instinct and if I have a child it has to be my own child.
Is it true that i really want to get married to her and constitute our own family (i see her as the perfect match mind-wise and fun-wise) or am i just deceiving myself and it's just a desperate attempt of my unconsciousness to gain social and family acceptance and have the kids i want( i'm from the Middle east in a country where homosexuals face complete social rejection)
i would hate myself if i realized too late that this is the case as i will be just using her! i also feel terrible for my boyfriend , and i don't know how can i help him and help myself , we're both having extremely hard times trying to change the image of me and him living together in the future although we can still be friends but nothing more.
Sometimes when i think of it, i'm like yeah this is the life i want, a loving and understanding wife, kids and a nice family life but sometimes i'm like no, it can't be like that all of sudden , i have never thought of marriage....EVER and you should know i am 80% attracted to males and only 20% attracted to females.
Well, I think you've just answered your own question. At times you say you're bisexual and at others homosexual, but it's clear that whatever you are your preference is men. Just the fact that you're wondering if your "straight" feelings are genuine or if they come from your doubts about your future as a gay man in a hostile atmosphere tells the story. I realize that for some people, especially those who live in countries much more hostile to homosexuals, it would be easier to be straight, but wishing it just doesn't make it so. By trying to live a straight life you might only be doing harm to yourself, the woman you profess to love, and especially your boyfriend.
First, read what I have to say about "mixed marriages" where one partner is straight and the other is gay. Click here.
You say that you're feeling confused and depressed. It is no coincidence that this has happened just after you left your boyfriend and decided to make your bff [best female friend] your lover or wife. I think the truth is obvious and you said it yourself when you wrote: it's just a desperate attempt of my unconsciousness to gain social and family acceptance.
You can't make a total commitment to your girlfriend because a.) you're still in love with your boyfriend and b.) you're basically gay.
If you honestly feel that your boyfriend is not the right man for you for any reason, that doesn't mean you should seek happiness with a member of the opposite sex. I realize that living in an oppressive environment as you do makes things that much more difficult -- to put it mildly -- but if you and your partner have enough love for each other you can triumph over adversity. Your girlfriend can remain a friend who's there for you when you need her.
In the U.S. we have people that are known as "ex-gays." These are homosexual men and women who are full of self-hatred and/or simply feel that their lives will be easier if they are straight, or at least appear to be, so they enter into sham marriages. The vast majority of these people are unable to suppress their true instincts [a terrible thing to do in any case] and wind up having clandestine affairs with members of their own sex. People can't change their sexual orientation no matter how much they may want to.
The truth is, if you're afraid that you'll only be using this woman in your life, that is probably just what you'll be doing.
99% of gay liberation is in the head, as we used to say in the Gay Activists Alliance of New York. That means, if you accept that you're gay -- and that there's nothing wrong in being gay -- you can deal with everything else -- it will give you the strength to persevere.
Good luck!
BMF is Gay -- Is Marriage in the Cards?
Dear Dr. Bill,
I have came across your blog, when searching about "straight women marrying Gays". I am X from Jordan-Amman. I would appreciate if this is kept confidential. I have no one to talk to about this. I have been attracted to my best friend (guy), and my attraction became too confused, because I had people telling me he is gay, and many saying he is so to me; some people, however, assumed we are in a relationship, and should get married.
Anyhow, our relationship got stronger in the past year. And just recently we both decided to confront each other with a secret. I am attracted to him, and he is Gay. and complete shock for both of us. He is not out of the closet, and he is telling me is is bisexual, yet mentally attracted to men. I am the second person to know about this. Yet he also is attracted to me, not emotionally he says, he also wishes he was straight to be with me, and have our children together; but it is not possible because he believes he will resent us one day.
My question is: is it in any way possible that we can be together, marry and have a family? keeping in mind the freedom he has to enjoy other men's companionship?
Kindly, I appreciate your time and sorry for long email.
No problem. I have to be blunt and tell you that your boyfriend is giving you very clear warnings. He calls himself bisexual, but being gay [or straight] is about more than sex. If he cannot have an emotional -- in other words, a romantic -- connection to a woman, as you say he's told you, than he is not really bisexual, but gay. In other words, as distressing as this may be to you, he may be able to have sex with you, but you can never really win his heart; he just isn't in love with you. A gay man can only have true romantic feelings for another man.
I appreciate that you obviously have deep feelings for this man, but if he is only marrying you because he can't deal with being gay or wants biological children, then you're just being unfair to yourself and ultimately to him as well. Even if you have an "open" marriage that allows him to be with men on the side, why would you want to be with a man who can never fully love you?
Men and women in your situation often do marry but the gay husband can not change his orientation. In the U.S. we have "ex-gays" who enter into sham marriages but they still remain homosexual. I think people deserve better, don't you? [Even in a country that is more oppressive in regards to gay people than the U.S. is.]
You can read more about "mixed" gay/straight marriages and why they don't work here.
I have came across your blog, when searching about "straight women marrying Gays". I am X from Jordan-Amman. I would appreciate if this is kept confidential. I have no one to talk to about this. I have been attracted to my best friend (guy), and my attraction became too confused, because I had people telling me he is gay, and many saying he is so to me; some people, however, assumed we are in a relationship, and should get married.
Anyhow, our relationship got stronger in the past year. And just recently we both decided to confront each other with a secret. I am attracted to him, and he is Gay. and complete shock for both of us. He is not out of the closet, and he is telling me is is bisexual, yet mentally attracted to men. I am the second person to know about this. Yet he also is attracted to me, not emotionally he says, he also wishes he was straight to be with me, and have our children together; but it is not possible because he believes he will resent us one day.
My question is: is it in any way possible that we can be together, marry and have a family? keeping in mind the freedom he has to enjoy other men's companionship?
Kindly, I appreciate your time and sorry for long email.
No problem. I have to be blunt and tell you that your boyfriend is giving you very clear warnings. He calls himself bisexual, but being gay [or straight] is about more than sex. If he cannot have an emotional -- in other words, a romantic -- connection to a woman, as you say he's told you, than he is not really bisexual, but gay. In other words, as distressing as this may be to you, he may be able to have sex with you, but you can never really win his heart; he just isn't in love with you. A gay man can only have true romantic feelings for another man.
I appreciate that you obviously have deep feelings for this man, but if he is only marrying you because he can't deal with being gay or wants biological children, then you're just being unfair to yourself and ultimately to him as well. Even if you have an "open" marriage that allows him to be with men on the side, why would you want to be with a man who can never fully love you?
Men and women in your situation often do marry but the gay husband can not change his orientation. In the U.S. we have "ex-gays" who enter into sham marriages but they still remain homosexual. I think people deserve better, don't you? [Even in a country that is more oppressive in regards to gay people than the U.S. is.]
You can read more about "mixed" gay/straight marriages and why they don't work here.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Unhealthy Bears?
I realize that the point of the bear movement is to recognize that men who may not be conventionally attractive can still have appeal to many. But doesn't the bear movement also encourage an unhealthy lifestyle? I see all these very fat guys and can't imagine that being so overweight is good for them. What do you think?
I think you have a point. Of course we have to remember that there are out of shape people who live till 90 and 45-year-olds who stay fit and trim yet still drop dead of a heart attack on the tennis court. So much of it has to do with genes and other aspects of one's lifestyle.
The stereotypical bear is basically a big, jolly, fat guy [without getting into Santa Claus]. But there are many types of bears -- muscle bears, bear cubs, otters [thinner bears -- my classification but I have to watch the calories to stay within it], and so on. A bear is simply a gay guy with hair on his face and body. Many bears do go to the gym.
But I do think the -- for lack of a better word -- obsession some men have over very large men has its downside. As men grow older it is still important to stay in shape. If a fat bear loses weight he may lose some admirers -- the chubby chasers, for instance -- but hopefully he will gain a whole lot more.
I think you have a point. Of course we have to remember that there are out of shape people who live till 90 and 45-year-olds who stay fit and trim yet still drop dead of a heart attack on the tennis court. So much of it has to do with genes and other aspects of one's lifestyle.
The stereotypical bear is basically a big, jolly, fat guy [without getting into Santa Claus]. But there are many types of bears -- muscle bears, bear cubs, otters [thinner bears -- my classification but I have to watch the calories to stay within it], and so on. A bear is simply a gay guy with hair on his face and body. Many bears do go to the gym.
But I do think the -- for lack of a better word -- obsession some men have over very large men has its downside. As men grow older it is still important to stay in shape. If a fat bear loses weight he may lose some admirers -- the chubby chasers, for instance -- but hopefully he will gain a whole lot more.
Paranoid about the Down Low
Dr. Bill, I just read your response to 'Asking your boyfriend if he is gay' 4 Mar 2010. My fear that my boyfriend has been with other men could be due to paranoia. I watch TV and hear about men on the 'down-low'; men giving their wives/girlfriends AIDs and I am afraid. So, how do I really know, how do I confront my boyfriend and ask him if he has been with men and not offend him? Thank you Ms. Paranoid
First of all, there's no real need to confront your boyfriend unless you have concrete reasons for thinking he's attracted to other men and acting on those attractions. [I give some of the reasons for being suspicious on that earlier post.] Because there seem to be so many men even in these more enlightened days who are attracted to men but married to or involved with women, I suppose it can make some women a little paranoid. But remember that there are many more genuinely heterosexual men then there are gay or bi men, so the odds are in your favor.
If you feel a need to broach the subject with your boyfriend, you can say you found out a friend of yours is gay and see what his reaction is. This will hopefully lead into a discussion on homosexuality and you can monitor his opinions on the subject. You can playfully ask if he ever experimented in that direction. A lot will depend on his reactions to what you say. If he admits that he "experimented" you can ask for a fuller explanation. As I've said many times, a man who has had sex or relationships with other men in the past doesn't suddenly become heterosexual. It just doesn't work that way.
But unless he's getting sexy emails from guys, has joined a gay dating service, or has gay porn on his computer, chances are that your boyfriend is straight.
As I said in the earlier post, if you are convinced your boyfriend is gay, sit down and have a talk with him. It takes a very special person to help someone she loves comes out of the closet, knowing that it may forever end their romantic relationship. Remember not to "accuse" someone of being gay -- it's not criminal to be gay or even in the closet. You can't just tell someone they're gay, especially if they are repressed or deeply closeted and ashamed. But sometimes an honest discussion can lead to a positive result.
First of all, there's no real need to confront your boyfriend unless you have concrete reasons for thinking he's attracted to other men and acting on those attractions. [I give some of the reasons for being suspicious on that earlier post.] Because there seem to be so many men even in these more enlightened days who are attracted to men but married to or involved with women, I suppose it can make some women a little paranoid. But remember that there are many more genuinely heterosexual men then there are gay or bi men, so the odds are in your favor.
If you feel a need to broach the subject with your boyfriend, you can say you found out a friend of yours is gay and see what his reaction is. This will hopefully lead into a discussion on homosexuality and you can monitor his opinions on the subject. You can playfully ask if he ever experimented in that direction. A lot will depend on his reactions to what you say. If he admits that he "experimented" you can ask for a fuller explanation. As I've said many times, a man who has had sex or relationships with other men in the past doesn't suddenly become heterosexual. It just doesn't work that way.
But unless he's getting sexy emails from guys, has joined a gay dating service, or has gay porn on his computer, chances are that your boyfriend is straight.
As I said in the earlier post, if you are convinced your boyfriend is gay, sit down and have a talk with him. It takes a very special person to help someone she loves comes out of the closet, knowing that it may forever end their romantic relationship. Remember not to "accuse" someone of being gay -- it's not criminal to be gay or even in the closet. You can't just tell someone they're gay, especially if they are repressed or deeply closeted and ashamed. But sometimes an honest discussion can lead to a positive result.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Self-Hating Friend?
I am a heterosexual female and I have a gay best friend...whom I've recently developed a small crush on. It's actually really annoying, but it's not like I can really control who I'm attracted to. I feel we both connect on a much deeper level and I'm pretty darn sure he feels the same way, too. We tend to have the most fun when it's only us alone hanging out. Which is when he tends to say 'off' things, things I don't expect to be part of his nature. For instance, he expressed to me that he would totally bed a certain, very beautiful, voluptuous actress (says it about other girls as well). Then, again, if someone had the chance to sleep with someone extremely beautiful and famous, wouldn't you take advantage of that opportunity? Another time, we were under the influence of a substance and he sort of insinuated something sexual. He said that if in that moment, a hand happened to touch his nether region, he wouldn't brush it away. Stuff that makes me think, seems to always happen. He said something about how he can't have sex with men cause it hurts... Is it possible he's conflicted about his sexuality and wants to venture out?
Many times he has expressed his dislike for the gay community and the individuals that sustain it. Although, it's not like he represses his homosexuality. He is very much 'out' and makes everyone aware of that fact. As I gazed further into your blog, I came across the bits of 'internalized homophobia.' This sounds like a more likely scenario than if he were to actually be sexually attracted to me, right? Maybe it's just me, being a girl, wanting something she can't have. Or my overactive imagination putting in work... but I don't think those comments/actions are exactly 'normal' for a gay man is it? Either way I want to move on and I don't want to ask him straight out. I would much rather avoid any awkward confrontations, which would probably spoil the friendship. What's your take on this matter?
My take is that your friend is essentially what we call a "self-hating homo." Any openly gay man who expresses disdain for the gay community is clearly dealing with issues about his sexual orientation. Sadly, there are many gay men who are openly gay but for one reason or another are not happy being gay, largely because they've swallowed society's negative opinions about gay men. or they may have religious hang-ups or feel that being gay makes them "unmanly" -- or just have a basic insecurity about themselves. Then there are people in every minority group who have simply had unhappy or unsuccessful lives for one reason or another and make their race or religion or sexual orientation the reason, unwilling to face their own flaws.
Without saying that your friend may be "bisexual," being gay does not mean that a man finds women repulsive or can't have sex with a woman. [Many married homosexual men sleep while their wives while dreaming of being in bed with guys.] And sure, some gay men might get a kick out of sleeping with a famous female celebrity -- although they'll still be gay in the morning. But be careful of things expressed while under the influence, as they should never be taken seriously.
As for his comment that it "hurts" to have sex with men, I can only assume he's a bottom and a rather inexperienced one at that. Either he can try being a top [or eschew analism altogether] or he can get more experience.
Frankly, this guy may be your bmf, but I think it would be a mistake on your part to expect more. Even if the two of you indulge in some sexual fooling around, it may not lead to anything realistically romantic or permanent. Guys like this often try to "go straight" or become "ex-gays," but while they may get married and even have kids, they remain homosexual. And why would any woman want a homosexual husband?
Some time you might ask him how he feels about being gay and ever so delicately suggest he get counseling or therapy. He can't change his orientation, but he can certainly learn to accept and enjoy it.
Many times he has expressed his dislike for the gay community and the individuals that sustain it. Although, it's not like he represses his homosexuality. He is very much 'out' and makes everyone aware of that fact. As I gazed further into your blog, I came across the bits of 'internalized homophobia.' This sounds like a more likely scenario than if he were to actually be sexually attracted to me, right? Maybe it's just me, being a girl, wanting something she can't have. Or my overactive imagination putting in work... but I don't think those comments/actions are exactly 'normal' for a gay man is it? Either way I want to move on and I don't want to ask him straight out. I would much rather avoid any awkward confrontations, which would probably spoil the friendship. What's your take on this matter?
My take is that your friend is essentially what we call a "self-hating homo." Any openly gay man who expresses disdain for the gay community is clearly dealing with issues about his sexual orientation. Sadly, there are many gay men who are openly gay but for one reason or another are not happy being gay, largely because they've swallowed society's negative opinions about gay men. or they may have religious hang-ups or feel that being gay makes them "unmanly" -- or just have a basic insecurity about themselves. Then there are people in every minority group who have simply had unhappy or unsuccessful lives for one reason or another and make their race or religion or sexual orientation the reason, unwilling to face their own flaws.
Without saying that your friend may be "bisexual," being gay does not mean that a man finds women repulsive or can't have sex with a woman. [Many married homosexual men sleep while their wives while dreaming of being in bed with guys.] And sure, some gay men might get a kick out of sleeping with a famous female celebrity -- although they'll still be gay in the morning. But be careful of things expressed while under the influence, as they should never be taken seriously.
As for his comment that it "hurts" to have sex with men, I can only assume he's a bottom and a rather inexperienced one at that. Either he can try being a top [or eschew analism altogether] or he can get more experience.
Frankly, this guy may be your bmf, but I think it would be a mistake on your part to expect more. Even if the two of you indulge in some sexual fooling around, it may not lead to anything realistically romantic or permanent. Guys like this often try to "go straight" or become "ex-gays," but while they may get married and even have kids, they remain homosexual. And why would any woman want a homosexual husband?
Some time you might ask him how he feels about being gay and ever so delicately suggest he get counseling or therapy. He can't change his orientation, but he can certainly learn to accept and enjoy it.
Fabulous?
Why do gay men say "fabulous" all the time?
Uh, believe me, the vast majority of us don't. Besides, "fabulous" is a kind of theatrical word that is used by people of all stripes and orientations. Flamboyant men and women -- both straight and gay -- may use the term much, much more than the rest of the population, but the average gay guy may not even use it at all. Trust me on this, you fabulous thing, you!
Uh, believe me, the vast majority of us don't. Besides, "fabulous" is a kind of theatrical word that is used by people of all stripes and orientations. Flamboyant men and women -- both straight and gay -- may use the term much, much more than the rest of the population, but the average gay guy may not even use it at all. Trust me on this, you fabulous thing, you!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Not Gay -- But Wants Sex With Men?
Hi, I'm so happy I came across your web page.
I'm 39 years old. I met a man 3.5 years ago. We started dating, moved in, got engaged, and was supposed to be married this July 2010. Three months before our wedding date, he picked up a prostitute and had sex with her. Got caught by the police and had to tell me. This action made no sense to me. Over the course of a couple of days after that I asked to see his email accounts. Because a "normal" man just does not one day decide to do what he did. It had to be a progression of something. Now mind you, over these days, he says he doesn't know why he did it, and still loves me. He's sorry etc. When I looked into his email accounts a part of me died that day.
He was placing ads on Craig's List to have sex with men. He says, I'm not having sex with men, they are having sex with me. I said to him, then you are gay. No I'm not gay he says. And he continues to deny it till this day. I never had a clue. I had no signs. There were rough patches in our relationship of not having sex for long periods of time. And he was taking pills to perform. That was the only thing that was a red flag for me. We are no longer together. I do talk with him on a weekly basis. What my question is, if he so strongly denies that he is gay, could it be possible? I guess part of me doesn't want him to be gay because I was so in love with him. But I also want him to be happy and live a great and successful life. I have told him that it's ok that he is gay. I would be there to support him. But he denies it all the way. My other thought is, I don't know any straight men that would want to have sex with another man.
Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.....
Well, I have to tell you first off that I don't know any legitimately straight men who want to have sex with other men, either. I know of one gay therapist who insists that there are tens of thousands of straight men out there seeking other men to have sex with, but in my opinion the guy is an idiot. He seems to think that because these men don't want to be in relationships with other men but only want sex with them that that somehow makes them heterosexual. Granted most of these guys have wives or girlfriends, but at the very least they are bisexual, not straight. The reason they can't even abide the thought of a romantic relationship with another man is due to their internalized homophobia, their deep-rooted shame over their homoerotic feelings, not alleged "heterosexuality." Yes, there may be certain peculiar circumstances where a hetero man will have sex with another guy -- prison, for instance -- and it's been said that the male victims of childhood sexual abuse sometimes can grow up to be confused about their orientation -- but other than that I have to say that "straight" guys who have sex with men -- especially repeated sex -- are deeply conflicted homosexuals.
The man you're referring to definitely sounds like he's in this category -- and in deep denial. He can't even label himself bisexual [whether he's gay or genuinely bi is another story] which some of these men do. There are quite a few essentially homosexual men who think of themselves as straight simply because:
1.) They are in some kind of heterosexual relationship with a woman, either a wife, girlfriend or fiancee. Therefore that makes them "straight" despite the fact that every fibre of their being is crying out to be with a man.
2.) They wrongly see themselves as being the "man" during the male-male sex act; in other words they are the "top" while their sex partner is penetrated. Or they get "serviced" by the other man without ever giving "head" themselves. But I know a great many self-identified gay guys who are exactly the same way. It's just a matter of preference. [And when two gay men get together neither is "the woman" -- both are men.]
3.) They are paid for the sexual acts they perform with other men. [The number of male prostitutes whose clients are exclusively male and yet who insist they are themselves completely heterosexual is legion!]
As for his comment "I'm not having sex with men, they are having sex with me"...? he is being so disingenuous you could choke on it. What is he implying? -- That he just lies there while they work him over? But what kind of straight guy wants to lie there and have another guy work him over?
As for his encounter with the female prostitute, there are two possibilities. The first is that the woman was actually a "transvestite hooker" with a penis. Lots of conflicted homosexual men [I won't call them gay because they are not exactly Out and Proud] prefer sex with "TVs" because they are having sex with a man but -- due to the way the other person presents themselves -- they can pretend they're really with a woman. The second possibility is that he approached this prostitute for the purposes of "proving his manhood" after a particular homosexual encounter left him confused and, sadly, disheartened.
I think you've done all the right things. And I do appreciate how very difficult and painful this has been for you. Unfortunately it's very, very hard -- and believe, me, I've been there -- to help guys like this if they can't even admit to themselves that they're gay [or even bi]. You can tell them "it's okay to be gay" a hundred times but until they really believe it themselves they'll go on doing anything and everything they can to convince themselves they're really straight -- all the while having sex with men. Therapy with a caring gay or gay-friendly therapist might work wonders, but again, these kind of guys rarely seek therapy except from quacks who are out to "cure" them or guys like the aforementioned gay therapist who wants to convince them [while being very well paid for it] that yes, they really are straight.
Hopefully some day something will click inside him and he'll realize that his problem isn't his desire for men, but his guilt and shame over it, and instead of these furtive, short-lived encounters [not that there's anything wrong in casual sex, mind you] he might entertain the notion of a long-term and caring relationship with another man.
Speaking of which, there's another [hopefully hetero] man out there for you as well! Best of luck!
I'm 39 years old. I met a man 3.5 years ago. We started dating, moved in, got engaged, and was supposed to be married this July 2010. Three months before our wedding date, he picked up a prostitute and had sex with her. Got caught by the police and had to tell me. This action made no sense to me. Over the course of a couple of days after that I asked to see his email accounts. Because a "normal" man just does not one day decide to do what he did. It had to be a progression of something. Now mind you, over these days, he says he doesn't know why he did it, and still loves me. He's sorry etc. When I looked into his email accounts a part of me died that day.
He was placing ads on Craig's List to have sex with men. He says, I'm not having sex with men, they are having sex with me. I said to him, then you are gay. No I'm not gay he says. And he continues to deny it till this day. I never had a clue. I had no signs. There were rough patches in our relationship of not having sex for long periods of time. And he was taking pills to perform. That was the only thing that was a red flag for me. We are no longer together. I do talk with him on a weekly basis. What my question is, if he so strongly denies that he is gay, could it be possible? I guess part of me doesn't want him to be gay because I was so in love with him. But I also want him to be happy and live a great and successful life. I have told him that it's ok that he is gay. I would be there to support him. But he denies it all the way. My other thought is, I don't know any straight men that would want to have sex with another man.
Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.....
Well, I have to tell you first off that I don't know any legitimately straight men who want to have sex with other men, either. I know of one gay therapist who insists that there are tens of thousands of straight men out there seeking other men to have sex with, but in my opinion the guy is an idiot. He seems to think that because these men don't want to be in relationships with other men but only want sex with them that that somehow makes them heterosexual. Granted most of these guys have wives or girlfriends, but at the very least they are bisexual, not straight. The reason they can't even abide the thought of a romantic relationship with another man is due to their internalized homophobia, their deep-rooted shame over their homoerotic feelings, not alleged "heterosexuality." Yes, there may be certain peculiar circumstances where a hetero man will have sex with another guy -- prison, for instance -- and it's been said that the male victims of childhood sexual abuse sometimes can grow up to be confused about their orientation -- but other than that I have to say that "straight" guys who have sex with men -- especially repeated sex -- are deeply conflicted homosexuals.
The man you're referring to definitely sounds like he's in this category -- and in deep denial. He can't even label himself bisexual [whether he's gay or genuinely bi is another story] which some of these men do. There are quite a few essentially homosexual men who think of themselves as straight simply because:
1.) They are in some kind of heterosexual relationship with a woman, either a wife, girlfriend or fiancee. Therefore that makes them "straight" despite the fact that every fibre of their being is crying out to be with a man.
2.) They wrongly see themselves as being the "man" during the male-male sex act; in other words they are the "top" while their sex partner is penetrated. Or they get "serviced" by the other man without ever giving "head" themselves. But I know a great many self-identified gay guys who are exactly the same way. It's just a matter of preference. [And when two gay men get together neither is "the woman" -- both are men.]
3.) They are paid for the sexual acts they perform with other men. [The number of male prostitutes whose clients are exclusively male and yet who insist they are themselves completely heterosexual is legion!]
As for his comment "I'm not having sex with men, they are having sex with me"...? he is being so disingenuous you could choke on it. What is he implying? -- That he just lies there while they work him over? But what kind of straight guy wants to lie there and have another guy work him over?
As for his encounter with the female prostitute, there are two possibilities. The first is that the woman was actually a "transvestite hooker" with a penis. Lots of conflicted homosexual men [I won't call them gay because they are not exactly Out and Proud] prefer sex with "TVs" because they are having sex with a man but -- due to the way the other person presents themselves -- they can pretend they're really with a woman. The second possibility is that he approached this prostitute for the purposes of "proving his manhood" after a particular homosexual encounter left him confused and, sadly, disheartened.
I think you've done all the right things. And I do appreciate how very difficult and painful this has been for you. Unfortunately it's very, very hard -- and believe, me, I've been there -- to help guys like this if they can't even admit to themselves that they're gay [or even bi]. You can tell them "it's okay to be gay" a hundred times but until they really believe it themselves they'll go on doing anything and everything they can to convince themselves they're really straight -- all the while having sex with men. Therapy with a caring gay or gay-friendly therapist might work wonders, but again, these kind of guys rarely seek therapy except from quacks who are out to "cure" them or guys like the aforementioned gay therapist who wants to convince them [while being very well paid for it] that yes, they really are straight.
Hopefully some day something will click inside him and he'll realize that his problem isn't his desire for men, but his guilt and shame over it, and instead of these furtive, short-lived encounters [not that there's anything wrong in casual sex, mind you] he might entertain the notion of a long-term and caring relationship with another man.
Speaking of which, there's another [hopefully hetero] man out there for you as well! Best of luck!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Gay -- or Just in a Bromance?
Hi, I really thank you for your time to read this, and I'm in desperate need to ask for your opinion. I guess my question has been similar to many questions I have read in your blog (a great one by the way, thank you!). But, there is something different about my case.
I am in a different culture than, I think, most readers of your blog. I am in a culture where guys seem to have a higher level of bromance [a very close, affectionate, non-sexual relationship between two heterosexual men, sometimes called a "man-crush" -- Dr. B], which is my main problem. You see, when it comes to love life, I'm a miserable screwup. Gay guys in my culture are not really my type, because most of them belong to effeminate category (I don't have any problem with that, they're just not my type), and I'm usually attracted to guys who are masculine and manly. These kind of guys are usually available in other countries. I am a person who is close to foreigners in my place (I was studying at an international university), and too bad that they also have a culture where bromance is very high.
And recently, I befriended a Turkish guy, who just came to my place. He is just so attractive that I really wanted to avoid meeting him because I knew that he'd not be able to reciprocate my feelings (I saw his pictures in facebook). However, last week, a friend insisted that I come to his house (where this guy was) where I met him and I instantly became infatuated with him. It was our first meeting and I found him to be a wonderful guy, plus with those looks! And now I can't forget about him, and he is in my mind 24/7. What makes it worse is that in our culture, gays are abhorred and coming out is not exactly something wise to do. And now I'm depressed because he is engaged but he keeps becoming so romantic to me. But I am told that guys in Turkish culture can be secretly gay or something. Do you know anything about this?
For your information -- this happened several times -- I seem to attract straight guys to become cuddly with me (and they don't seem to do that with other guys), much more cuddly than is usual in my culture. Do you think it's something to do with my personality? Am I being flirty? Because I don't remember being flirty. Or am I just unconsciously inviting them to be cuddly with me? I don't know. I really hope you can share your insights in this.
Thank you so much. [From Malaysia]
To start with your last point first, even here in the United States straight guys occasionally give one another a hug, sometimes when they've been drinking or are feeling emotional or excited about something (and men in this culture are not generally very "touchy-feely," as we call it). It may well be that they simply like you and your friendly personality. Straight men can be affectionate with other men; for them it just doesn't go any further.
As for guys in Turkey being secretly gay -- guys can be secretly gay in every country on the planet. Apparently the attitudes towards homosexuality in Turkey are much more progressive than in other Islamic nations, which may mean that Turkish men are actually more open about their sexuality.
It sounds to me like you're in a situation that is very universal among gay men of all nations. You have feelings -- both sexual and romantic -- for another man and you just can't tell if he feels the same [his affectionate feelings for you may not be sexual] or even if he's gay or straight. Even the fact that he's engaged to be married doesn't exclude the possibility that he's attracted to guys.
However, the fact that he's engaged does make him a little less available, and there is also the strong possibility that he is straight. I recognize the danger in coming on to him. The only thing I can suggest is that in a casual way you ask him what he thinks of homosexuals, gay marriage etc. At least it will give you some clue as to how he feels on the subject. Even if it turns out he is very homophobic it doesn't exclude him being gay, but it does suggest that it would be best for you to look elsewhere for a romantic or sexual entanglement. Good luck!
There's more about gay life in Turkey and Malaysia in the post below.
I am in a different culture than, I think, most readers of your blog. I am in a culture where guys seem to have a higher level of bromance [a very close, affectionate, non-sexual relationship between two heterosexual men, sometimes called a "man-crush" -- Dr. B], which is my main problem. You see, when it comes to love life, I'm a miserable screwup. Gay guys in my culture are not really my type, because most of them belong to effeminate category (I don't have any problem with that, they're just not my type), and I'm usually attracted to guys who are masculine and manly. These kind of guys are usually available in other countries. I am a person who is close to foreigners in my place (I was studying at an international university), and too bad that they also have a culture where bromance is very high.
And recently, I befriended a Turkish guy, who just came to my place. He is just so attractive that I really wanted to avoid meeting him because I knew that he'd not be able to reciprocate my feelings (I saw his pictures in facebook). However, last week, a friend insisted that I come to his house (where this guy was) where I met him and I instantly became infatuated with him. It was our first meeting and I found him to be a wonderful guy, plus with those looks! And now I can't forget about him, and he is in my mind 24/7. What makes it worse is that in our culture, gays are abhorred and coming out is not exactly something wise to do. And now I'm depressed because he is engaged but he keeps becoming so romantic to me. But I am told that guys in Turkish culture can be secretly gay or something. Do you know anything about this?
For your information -- this happened several times -- I seem to attract straight guys to become cuddly with me (and they don't seem to do that with other guys), much more cuddly than is usual in my culture. Do you think it's something to do with my personality? Am I being flirty? Because I don't remember being flirty. Or am I just unconsciously inviting them to be cuddly with me? I don't know. I really hope you can share your insights in this.
Thank you so much. [From Malaysia]
To start with your last point first, even here in the United States straight guys occasionally give one another a hug, sometimes when they've been drinking or are feeling emotional or excited about something (and men in this culture are not generally very "touchy-feely," as we call it). It may well be that they simply like you and your friendly personality. Straight men can be affectionate with other men; for them it just doesn't go any further.
As for guys in Turkey being secretly gay -- guys can be secretly gay in every country on the planet. Apparently the attitudes towards homosexuality in Turkey are much more progressive than in other Islamic nations, which may mean that Turkish men are actually more open about their sexuality.
It sounds to me like you're in a situation that is very universal among gay men of all nations. You have feelings -- both sexual and romantic -- for another man and you just can't tell if he feels the same [his affectionate feelings for you may not be sexual] or even if he's gay or straight. Even the fact that he's engaged to be married doesn't exclude the possibility that he's attracted to guys.
However, the fact that he's engaged does make him a little less available, and there is also the strong possibility that he is straight. I recognize the danger in coming on to him. The only thing I can suggest is that in a casual way you ask him what he thinks of homosexuals, gay marriage etc. At least it will give you some clue as to how he feels on the subject. Even if it turns out he is very homophobic it doesn't exclude him being gay, but it does suggest that it would be best for you to look elsewhere for a romantic or sexual entanglement. Good luck!
There's more about gay life in Turkey and Malaysia in the post below.
Gay Life in Islamic Nations
The post above got me to do a little research on what gay life is like in Islamic nations. I came across some interesting websites. For instance, here's info on Malaysia:
"Advisory: Gay life in Malaysia, as in other Asian countries, is blossoming despite conservative religion-based discrimination and outdated colonial-era laws. Former Deputy Prime Minister, Anwar Ibrahim, was famously removed from office by a trumped-up sodomy conviction that was reversed by Malaysia's high court in 2004. Muslims, both local and visitors, are also subject to religious law which may (though rarely does) punish gay or lesbian sexual activity with flogging and male transvestism with imprisonment. Even though religious law does not apply to non-Muslims, Islam is the state religion under Malaysia's constitution and thus homosexual citizens face official discrimination. Police may arrest any person (Muslim or not) for sex in a public place (i.e. cruise spots), so visitors are well-advised to respect Malaysian law and customs while they are guests in the country. Having said that, police generally have not detained foreigners during raids on local gay businesses, focusing instead on ethnic Malay customers, almost 100% of whom are considered Muslim at birth by law." For more information click here.
And as for Turkey: "As a Muslim country, Turkey reveals a very different attitude than most other Islamic countries toward lesbigay life. Progressive and highly western, Turkey allows gays to have a measure of freedom of expression and as well access to fulfilling careers and romantic intimacy." You can find much more information here.
"Advisory: Gay life in Malaysia, as in other Asian countries, is blossoming despite conservative religion-based discrimination and outdated colonial-era laws. Former Deputy Prime Minister, Anwar Ibrahim, was famously removed from office by a trumped-up sodomy conviction that was reversed by Malaysia's high court in 2004. Muslims, both local and visitors, are also subject to religious law which may (though rarely does) punish gay or lesbian sexual activity with flogging and male transvestism with imprisonment. Even though religious law does not apply to non-Muslims, Islam is the state religion under Malaysia's constitution and thus homosexual citizens face official discrimination. Police may arrest any person (Muslim or not) for sex in a public place (i.e. cruise spots), so visitors are well-advised to respect Malaysian law and customs while they are guests in the country. Having said that, police generally have not detained foreigners during raids on local gay businesses, focusing instead on ethnic Malay customers, almost 100% of whom are considered Muslim at birth by law." For more information click here.
And as for Turkey: "As a Muslim country, Turkey reveals a very different attitude than most other Islamic countries toward lesbigay life. Progressive and highly western, Turkey allows gays to have a measure of freedom of expression and as well access to fulfilling careers and romantic intimacy." You can find much more information here.
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