Watch Out for "Ricochet Ronnie"

I met this very nice guy who had just ended a relationship of several years. I found him very attractive and he seemed to feel the same. He constantly sent me emails and text messages, telling me how much he liked me, how he couldn't wait to get together, how terrific I was, and I followed suit, although I may have been a little more reticent as we had just met and I didn't want to appear too anxious; he was also a bit younger than me. The last time we saw each other everything went great, he texted again that he wanted to do all sorts of things in the future -- and I never heard from him again. I know he's alive but he doesn't respond to emails or anything else. I still can't figure out what happened. Can you give me any insight as to why guys just disappear without a word? He talked all the time about how awful the ex-lover was so I don't think he went back to him. Thank you. 


My guess is that you had the misfortune of running into a Ricochet or Rebound Ronnie as I and many other fellows have. Those are guys who have been in long-term relationships that have ended for one reason or another. They used to do everything with the lover, but now the lover is gone and they find themselves alone. Often these guys cling to someone who is amiable, willing to listen to them sound off about the ex [and it sounds as if you were], and enjoys spending time with them, doing things they can no longer do with the lover. The trouble is, these guys often just need time to acclimate themselves to being single again, being out in the dating pool -- in a sense you were holding his hand until he felt able to go out cruising and circulating on his own. It's not that he didn't like you, but that the relationship he ended was so awful that he just isn't ready for another one yet. The hard part is that during that initial phase the "clinginess" manifests itself as many calls and texts and so on as he anxiously makes it clear that he wants to spend time with you -- until he panics because you're getting too close. In other words, these guys lead you on [innocently, in most cases] and then drop you when they no longer need you. Possibly he met somebody he likes better; possibly he just wants to play the field. Some guys just don't know how to break up with somebody; in not wanting to hurt you, he hurts you even more.

However, there is really no excuse for someone not giving you a little closure. His abruptly ending things without even attempting an explanation [I mean, how difficult is it to send a fucking e-mail if you're embarrassed to do it face to face?] or returning your concerned and confused messages tells you -- as does all those texts -- that he isn't very mature, responsible, or even -- when all is said and done -- kind. I mean, we're talking about a man you knew and dated, not a disembodied photo on a dating sight. In other words, you dodged a bullet, so get on with your life, forget him, and meet somebody -- hopefully someone not on the rebound -- who will treat you with a little more class.

Boyfriend and Erotic Video Games

My boyfriend and I enjoy playing video games together. One game we play is World of Warcraft. He has several female toons on his account and explains that they are more visually appealing than the male ones. I have no problem with this. Recently I logged on to the game and saw him on one of his female toons erping (erotic role playing) with another male player. I have also discovered that he has gotten a few emails from male players, all of whom believe he is female. Some have sexual content and pictures attached, but not sexually explicit pictures. I asked my boyfriend in a non threatening way if he was bi. His answer was "I don't believe so". In the past, before this discovery, he has said he doesn't understand why men erotic role play as females with other men. Is it possible he is bi? Our own relationship is very sexually satisfying for both of us so I'm surprised about this latest discovery.

Your boyfriend is playing games in virtual reality -- not, as far as you know, having sex with men in the real world -- so you may be jumping to conclusions about his sexuality. As I've said before, red flags are finding gay porn or some type of gay literature in his apartment -- either magazines or on his computer -- finding out he's signed up with gay dating sites, sexy emails from guys that he's clearly met in the flesh or would like to, or his paying more attention to a good-looking waiter or bartender than he does to you. Yes, his role-playing as a female character could be a way to attract guys, only the trouble is they're straight guys, so obviously nothing much could come of it. Also most gay men don't want to masquerade as women -- they take pride in their masculinity. 

However, his answer of "I don't believe so" when you asked him if he was bi is a little strange. Not to make too much of what may be nothing, but it's not exactly a definitive "No." You may have to approach the subject again, keeping in mind that for most men who call themselves bi, "bisexual" is just a convenient label and a cop-out.

Porn Stars

Hi Dr Bill.I am a Asian person from Taiwan. I read your blog article "gay for pay." I want to ask u why are u so sure that all of gay porn stars are not straight?

Do u know someone who works in the gay porn company that they are really gay?

Well, I thought I explained it pretty well in that post you mention, but it never hurts to explore an interesting subject again. 

I do know people in the porn industry, but even if I didn't let's just say you can't tell me that a guy can spend many of his days sucking and fucking or being fucked by another guy and isn't just a little bit -- or a lot -- gay.  Many of the men who do gay porn do indeed lead "straight" lives in that they may have wives, girlfriends and children, but they would certainly have to be classified as bisexual at the very least. 

The whole idea of "rough trade" -- men who have sex with men but supposedly are heterosexual -- is a dated, pre-Stonewall [pre modern day Gay Liberation] concept. Some have argued that straight guys can have sex with men just as gay men have sex with women and simply put on a show, but that is ignoring the fact that even in this day and age there is a stigma attached to being gay, especially for "macho" males who are ashamed of their gay feelings. [Also the notion that there are straight men who want to have sex with men, popularized by an idiot gay therapist, is completely ludicrous!]

So ask yourself, why on earth would a 100% heterosexual male want to engage in actual sex acts with another man no matter how much he's paid? Surely there are easier and more fun ways of making a living. I also doubt the assertion that gay porn pays better than straight porn. Why should it? There's a lot more straight porn [and straight buyers] than gay porn, so financially it just doesn't add up. 

So the fact that some porn stars in gay-oriented films are married with children doesn't make them straight anymore than the married guy cruising the gay bar or the Internet for men to have sex with.

Gay Ex-Husband?

I  married a man, and after the marriage it seemed like he was gay and eventually we divorced.

We dated off and on for four years and then we married.  Before I married him a woman from his alcoholics anonymous meeting kept warning that men like him will marry me and then stop having sex with me, but before the marriage I never understood what she was getting at because our sex life before we married was good.   As soon as we married he lost interest in me sexually.  He soon wanted me thinner, blonder, and tanner. But the tanner, the thinner I got and longer haired and blonder I got he was still not attracted to me.

 After a few years of this I went back to being brunette and stayed healthy but stopped trying to keep up with his constantly changing critiques. I was attractive before our marriage and kept myself attractive throughout the marriage. In the first year, we bought a house and he told me, after we moved into the house,  that now he got his house and he told me he did not need me anymore. I was in shock but my mother told me to hang in there.

 That whole time he was not interested in sex.  He seemed to not be able to have an erection. Sex became very rare and he was angry afterwards,  but he wanted blow jobs.  Then the last two years of the marriage there was no sex.  He complained constantly of being unhappy and was always trying to start a fight.  He was always busy with work or friends. If he was at home he went to bed around six and fell asleep.

 After five years of marriage we divorced.   I never confronted him with being gay because I knew that I would not get a straight answer, and his personality was unpredictable.  But he was always restless and miserable and uninterested in sex. But I would catch him masturbating upon occasion.  I have lived with  other men and even when they were unhappy they wanted sex.

My questions are:  Do gay men pretend to be straight and then seem to not be able to follow through with the marriage and straight sex for the long haul?
 
What are the signs that a husband is actually gay?  If this guy was not gay, what else could it have been? (maybe he just wanted out of the marriage)

Frankly, there are so many reasons why a marriage and a sex life can go south that we can't necessarily pin your marriage's problems on your husband's sexual orientation. Also, "mixed" marriages -- where one partner is straight and the other gay [generally closeted] can play out in different ways. Some closeted husbands eschew sex with the wife for one reason or another [often blaming the wife's appearance or some other reason] while others continue to have sex and children with their spouse. Some closeted husbands seek out men to have sex with on the side while others, repressed and ashamed and in denial, try to suppress those urges. Being essentially gay doesn't mean a man can't have sex with women [some have zero interest and couldn't perform while others can father numerous children] but that he prefers being with men and should have a male lifetime partner.

Sadly, even in this supposedly more enlightened day and age there are homosexual men [I won't call them "gay" because they don't identify that way and are not exactly what we'd call Out and Proud] who use women as beards, to parade around as proof of their heterosexuality. They often fuss over the wife or girlfriend's appearance, wanting her to be as "hot" as possible so that he can seem more "studly."

Some married closeted homosexual men remain with their wives for decades, coming to see them as beloved companions if not objects of romantic passion. Others eventually rebel against living in a closet, taking their anger out on their wives.

So, based on what you say your ex-husband might very well have been dealing with issues of his sexuality. Only he, of course, knows for certain, although he may not be able to admit it to himself.

For red flags, please read my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay. 

Foot Fetish

Dear Dr. Bill,

I'm a 32 year old gay guy and have been with my partner for 3 years now.  We have a healthy sex life, are honest with each other and are very much in love.  Something I have kept from my boyfriend though is that I have a really strong fetish for men's feet. If I even so much as glance at a guy's feet in a pair of flip-flops I get hard.  Also, the soles of my feet are very erogenous and a guy only has to touch them to get me hard.

I have been aroused by men's feet ever since I was a teenager and have acted on my fetish with other men (i.e. sniffing, licking, sucking) but not with my current boyfriend. 

I want to incorporate some foot play into our sex life but I'm not sure how he'll take it or if he will think it's weird.  I fantasize a lot about men's feet and I am a little worried that I might get the urge to stray and go with another guy behind his back just to get some foot action but I would feel so bad about it as I love him so much.  I could never be with another guy and I want to spend the rest of my life with him so I want to stay faithful.

Do you think I should come out and tell him about my fetish?  Or do you have any ideas how I can incorporate some foot play into our sex life without freaking him out?  I would really like it if he could show some interest in my feet too so if you have any ideas how I can get him interested then please let me know.

I really hope you can help and would be extremely grateful for any advice.

Kind regards,

The good news is that foot fetishes are extremely common and unless your boyfriend is a super-conservative prig I can't imagine he would be that freaked out by it. I would suggest nuzzling or sucking his toes during foreplay and seeing what his reaction is -- he may enjoy it! Even if it's not a turn-on for him if you explain how much you love it he may be perfectly willing to incorporate it into your bedroom routine, especially if you're willing to do things that he enjoys but which you may not care less about. There's nothing abnormal about a foot fetish. So stay on your toes, play with those big feet of his, and see what happens! I mean, as fetishes go, a foot fetish is no big deal.

Confused Over Boyfriend

Hi Bill,
I've have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now and I have suspicions about him being gay. One time we were sitting in his living room watching a movie and out of no where he told me that he's been involved with another man before. I thought he was joking at first, but is expression was so serious. Then I asked him if he was for real or if he was serious, because I won't judge him...But he started watching the movie again and told me he was joking. Another time we were talking about our high school experiences and he told me how he was really popular and on the track team, but he didn't lose his virginity until he was 16. There is nothing wrong with that, but he told me that he didn't like the idea of bodily fluids mixing and he found it disgusting. It makes me wonder why a popular guy like him viewed sex in this way. It seems like he could have been trying to figure out his sexuality. Finally, one day we were at the barber shop and he was waiting to get his hair cut. He asked me if I thought his barber was cute and I told him no. While I asked him why he asked me that, he was checking the barber out and smiling. Maybe he could have been joking, but it really confused me. 

Then again, maybe he was afraid you were attracted to the barber. Frankly, there's really nothing in what you say to positively indicate that the guy might be gay except for one thing, which I'll get to in a moment. Gay men don't find bodily fluids "disgusting" anymore than straight men do so any queasiness he may feel about that may have nothing to do with sexual orientation, even if he was strictly speaking about male and female fluids. I don't know what movie you were watching, but he may have been joking about a former homosexual experience or greatly exaggerating something -- still, this could be a red flag. When people are getting ready to come out, they often "test the waters" by suddenly making statements about their sexual orientation to see what reaction they get, and then quickly taking it back and saying it was all a joke. That may be what he is doing here. If he starts ogling other men besides the barber, that's also a clue. He may be sending out signals or he may be joking around. I do think it would be a good idea to come right out and ask him in a non-judgmental way if he is attracted to men. Once that's out in the open at least you'll have some idea of what's up with him. If he's gay or sees himself as being bisexual but his preference is men, then you would both be better off with different boyfriends.