Dr. Bill. Thank you for the website. I read all your posts about possibly gay boyfriends and would love it if you could judge my situation. My boyfriend is kinda of feminine...gestures, tone of voice, posture, likes chick flicks, pretty sensitive...all those stereotypes. If I bring up homosexuality in general, he is cool about it, very liberal. His family seems very traditional since college he lived in a very liberal environment with a lot of options to come out if he wanted. I asked him if he ever experimented with a guy...he said many years ago he had kinda a dry spell with dating girls and he and a gay friend were joking about maybe him being attracted to guys...and they kissed to try it...and he didn't like it and never wanted to try again. He did have a couple of long-term relationship with women in the past and he is late 20s.
Oh, and I read on the web that scientists determined that testosterone level affects lengths of second and forth fingers (weird but apparently true) --[I doubt it -- Dr. Bill] -- and that based on their study very feminine women's and gay men's ring fingers are shorter than point fingers (straight men's ring fingers are longer). So his are like...very feminine or [like] gay men :) !!!!
So, do I have a real reason to be concerned? I would really love your opinion.
If your concern has to do with testosterone levels and other ridiculous stuff that you've read on the web, I would say "no." First of all, male homosexuality has nothing to do with testosterone levels. Gay men do not have less testosterone that straight men. If that were the case, there would be no gay "bears" -- very hairy [and often very macho] gay guys -- or gay men who are bald. [Typical "male pattern baldness," which affects many men regardless of their sexual orientation, is actually caused by an excess of testosterone. ] And for the record, the vast majority of gay men aren't effeminate.
Nothing that you've said about your boyfriend would be an automatic indication of homosexuality. There are straight men who are sensitive, artistic, like "chick flicks" just as there are gay men who are insensitive, have no artistic bent, and wouldn't be caught dead at a "chick flick." We have to get beyond stereotypes. The business about the fingers is just junk science, and I wouldn't take it seriously. If we were to go by this ring finger nonsense, I would be a heterosexual man, and believe me, I'm not.
As I've said before, you should worry/wonder that your boyfriend may be gay if you find gay porn in his apartment, on his computer, if he stares at/flirts with other guys, is registered on a gay dating site, gets sexy, romantic emails from men, and so on. The fact that he is cool with gay people probably just means that he's cool.
As for his experimentation with a gay friend ... that might raise a red flag, but if he was a little drunk, just tried a quick peck to see what it was like... He didn't have sex with the guy or make out with him passionately, so chances are it was done for a laugh and nothing more. [Or maybe he just kissed the wrong guy!]
Seriously, if I were you I would just enjoy that you've got a sensitive boyfriend who can take you to a "chick flick" now and then and is open-minded.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Another Gay Boyfriend?
Hello. I am writing you after reading a little bit about what you have posted on women thinking their boyfriend might be gay.
Well, there are several possibilities. No matter how good-looking he may be, a person can still be self-conscious, especially when it comes to nudity or sex. Was he raised in an oppressive religious background? Even straight people can feel deep down that sex -- especially pre-marital sex -- is wrong or shameful. Or your boyfriend may feel he's not very good in bed and therefore only engages in sex when he feels he has to. Or he may only be turned on at certain times or by certain fetishes. Or he could be a person who is asexual.
As for asexuality, some people have no real sexual desire due to a physical or emotional problem, but you say your boyfriend, as far as you know, isn't in that category. You should know that there is a growing body of people who insist that they are truly asexual in that they are born completely without sexual feelings for either men or women. These people can develop romantic feelings for people [hence they are "homo romantic" or "hetero romantic"] but while they indulge in sex to please their partners, it is not something they can enjoy. An asexual person of this type would be less likely to initiate sex with his or her partner. [And by asexual, I don't mean androgynous.]
Another possibility is that he could be a homosexual man who is fighting his orientation, hoping he can have a successful relationship with a woman, but who can't really enjoy heterosexual relations all that much, if at all. But to completely confuse you, keep in mind that many closeted men in this situation have frequent sex with their female partners and often initiate it. There's no hard and fast rule. Some closeted men have to fantasize about men to fulfill a hetero sex act and others don't.
My advice: don't panic. It may simply be that he has a few minor sex hang ups due to his upbringing, or maybe he can only get turned on by something that [hopefully, for your sake] isn't too kinky. The next time you're in bed ask him if there's anything special or different he might like to do, and if it's not too weird, give it a try.
No matter how awkward it may be, eventually you'll have to talk to him about your concerns, especially if they keep troubling you. To start off, you can ask him if he sees himself as having a low or high sex drive, how he feels about Gay Marriage, and so on, just to start a dialogue that will hopefully give you the answers you are looking for.
Good luck!
I just want to say that I'm 23, he's 28. I have never felt so much love before in my life. I'm head over heels and I know that he loves me as well. He kisses me, cuddles, we are best friends. He treats me wonderfully, we always have fun, and he isn't depressed. I know that he is enjoying being with me as well. He shows no signs of stereotypical gay behaviors. [Which is true of the majority of gay men.-- Dr. Bill]
We have been seeing each other for 9 months-every day, we are each others lives. We're happy in each other's company. The issue is that he never initiates sex. It's probably around once a week, or week and a half thing that I initiate. No foreplay. Just sort of from behind [?], okay done. Besides the sex, I'm 100% happy. At first I thought he might be shy or have body issues (but he looks amazing and I tell him this) so I'm not sure what the problem is.
I started googling "why doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me?" and I've read about 50 pages and none of them seemed relevant to me...until this particular one. Dr. Ruth answered "I think he may be gay" and so of course I started googling that and found your page.
The only thing that makes me even question it and ask him is the fact that a healthy 28 year old male (and not to toot my own horn but I'm very pretty, very honest and sincere. I am clean, we have a lot of the same taste in music and hobbies. I cook and clean for him-happily. Not a drama queen, great manners. his family adores me as I do them...) why wouldn't he want to be intimate with me?
Any advice would help and be greatly appreciated. Thanks Dr. Bill!
Well, there are several possibilities. No matter how good-looking he may be, a person can still be self-conscious, especially when it comes to nudity or sex. Was he raised in an oppressive religious background? Even straight people can feel deep down that sex -- especially pre-marital sex -- is wrong or shameful. Or your boyfriend may feel he's not very good in bed and therefore only engages in sex when he feels he has to. Or he may only be turned on at certain times or by certain fetishes. Or he could be a person who is asexual.
As for asexuality, some people have no real sexual desire due to a physical or emotional problem, but you say your boyfriend, as far as you know, isn't in that category. You should know that there is a growing body of people who insist that they are truly asexual in that they are born completely without sexual feelings for either men or women. These people can develop romantic feelings for people [hence they are "homo romantic" or "hetero romantic"] but while they indulge in sex to please their partners, it is not something they can enjoy. An asexual person of this type would be less likely to initiate sex with his or her partner. [And by asexual, I don't mean androgynous.]
Another possibility is that he could be a homosexual man who is fighting his orientation, hoping he can have a successful relationship with a woman, but who can't really enjoy heterosexual relations all that much, if at all. But to completely confuse you, keep in mind that many closeted men in this situation have frequent sex with their female partners and often initiate it. There's no hard and fast rule. Some closeted men have to fantasize about men to fulfill a hetero sex act and others don't.
My advice: don't panic. It may simply be that he has a few minor sex hang ups due to his upbringing, or maybe he can only get turned on by something that [hopefully, for your sake] isn't too kinky. The next time you're in bed ask him if there's anything special or different he might like to do, and if it's not too weird, give it a try.
No matter how awkward it may be, eventually you'll have to talk to him about your concerns, especially if they keep troubling you. To start off, you can ask him if he sees himself as having a low or high sex drive, how he feels about Gay Marriage, and so on, just to start a dialogue that will hopefully give you the answers you are looking for.
Good luck!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Gay Teen with Questions
I am a gay teen, a virgin. I have no idea about real gay sex; I only read them in stories.
Here are my questions:
1. When having anal sex, doesn't the top feel disgusted when they insert their fingers/cocks into the ass? Don't they will smell like shit or something like that? And when pull it out, doesn't shit will cover it? No, they aren't disgusted, especially if the bottom has showered beforehand and is clean. Sometimes the penis will become covered with some feces, but then they two men can simply shower together.
2. When bottoming, is the pleasure gotten from prostate stimulation same as when we are cumming when jerking off? Some of the pleasure. Is it worth the pain? Most bottoms only feel some pain in the beginning but get used to it.
3. How long does gay sex last? That depends on the participants and on what they like to do. If you include foreplay -- making love [kissing and hugging] leading up to the actual sex act -- it can take hours. Most sex acts -- gay or straight -- take a few minutes up to about half an hour.
4. Does gay sex require condoms? Is it more pleasurable without condoms? All sex, gay or straight, requires condoms these days to protect against HIV infection and other sexually-transmitted diseases. Some men feel it is more pleasurable to engage in sex without a condom, but anyone who "barebacks" today [going without a condom] is being very foolish, especially if they are a bottom. Do not let anyone penetrate you if they aren't wearing a condom. For more information on safe sex and risky sex go to the web site for the Gay Men's Health Crisis.
5. When bottoming, when the top cums inside the ass, is there any side effect?
There is no side effect as such, except that semen carries the HIV virus and therefore condoms should always be worn by the top. [While it is rarer for tops to contract HIV through anal intercourse, there have been cases of this happening.]
6. When rimming, can the tongue really touch the prostate? Actually, how far is the prostate from our entrance? Uh, this is a little technical and while require further research, LOL.
7. Is it true that cumming from sex is more intense than cumming from jerking off? Is it true that when you cum while having sex, the cum is more than while jerking off? An orgasm during sex with another person always seems to have more intensity since you're presumably attracted to the person you're with and getting physical with someone always adds an extra-sexual dimension that you don't get when you're jerking off by yourself. However, this doesn't mean that you ejaculate more sperm. If depends on how long it's been since you last had an orgasm.
8. After having sex, can the guys immediately have the second round? I ask this because after jerking off, my sexual desire instantly disappears; thinking about sex makes me feel disgusted for a while. Some men can immediately have a second round; others can't. It depends on how excited they are. Sexual desire often fades after having an orgasm, but you shouldn't feel "disgusted." Sex isn't disgusting, gay or otherwise, though it may have elements to it that are less appealing than others.
9. While having double penetration, is it true that the pleasure that the bottom receive becomes double? Is it true that the pain is unbearable? If you're talking about two dicks, I wouldn't recommend it. Or fist-fucking, for that matter.
10. Can the bottom cum without any physical stimulation to the cock? Sometimes if a man is very aroused and excited he can cum without his penis being stimulated.
Thanks in advance :)
Your welcome. Hope this helps.
Here are my questions:
1. When having anal sex, doesn't the top feel disgusted when they insert their fingers/cocks into the ass? Don't they will smell like shit or something like that? And when pull it out, doesn't shit will cover it? No, they aren't disgusted, especially if the bottom has showered beforehand and is clean. Sometimes the penis will become covered with some feces, but then they two men can simply shower together.
2. When bottoming, is the pleasure gotten from prostate stimulation same as when we are cumming when jerking off? Some of the pleasure. Is it worth the pain? Most bottoms only feel some pain in the beginning but get used to it.
3. How long does gay sex last? That depends on the participants and on what they like to do. If you include foreplay -- making love [kissing and hugging] leading up to the actual sex act -- it can take hours. Most sex acts -- gay or straight -- take a few minutes up to about half an hour.
4. Does gay sex require condoms? Is it more pleasurable without condoms? All sex, gay or straight, requires condoms these days to protect against HIV infection and other sexually-transmitted diseases. Some men feel it is more pleasurable to engage in sex without a condom, but anyone who "barebacks" today [going without a condom] is being very foolish, especially if they are a bottom. Do not let anyone penetrate you if they aren't wearing a condom. For more information on safe sex and risky sex go to the web site for the Gay Men's Health Crisis.
5. When bottoming, when the top cums inside the ass, is there any side effect?
There is no side effect as such, except that semen carries the HIV virus and therefore condoms should always be worn by the top. [While it is rarer for tops to contract HIV through anal intercourse, there have been cases of this happening.]
6. When rimming, can the tongue really touch the prostate? Actually, how far is the prostate from our entrance? Uh, this is a little technical and while require further research, LOL.
7. Is it true that cumming from sex is more intense than cumming from jerking off? Is it true that when you cum while having sex, the cum is more than while jerking off? An orgasm during sex with another person always seems to have more intensity since you're presumably attracted to the person you're with and getting physical with someone always adds an extra-sexual dimension that you don't get when you're jerking off by yourself. However, this doesn't mean that you ejaculate more sperm. If depends on how long it's been since you last had an orgasm.
8. After having sex, can the guys immediately have the second round? I ask this because after jerking off, my sexual desire instantly disappears; thinking about sex makes me feel disgusted for a while. Some men can immediately have a second round; others can't. It depends on how excited they are. Sexual desire often fades after having an orgasm, but you shouldn't feel "disgusted." Sex isn't disgusting, gay or otherwise, though it may have elements to it that are less appealing than others.
9. While having double penetration, is it true that the pleasure that the bottom receive becomes double? Is it true that the pain is unbearable? If you're talking about two dicks, I wouldn't recommend it. Or fist-fucking, for that matter.
10. Can the bottom cum without any physical stimulation to the cock? Sometimes if a man is very aroused and excited he can cum without his penis being stimulated.
Thanks in advance :)
Your welcome. Hope this helps.
Top 20 Health and Medical Sites
Hi Bill,
I just posted an article on my site that I thought your readers might find interesting as well. It's called "Top 20 Health and Medical Q & A Sites" ( http://lpntobsnonline.org/2011/top-20-health-and-medical-q-a-sites/ ).
If you think that my article might spark your readers' attention, I was wondering if you might consider mentioning it on your site?
Either way, I really appreciate your time.
Thanks,
Brad Morgans
My pleasure! Bill
I just posted an article on my site that I thought your readers might find interesting as well. It's called "Top 20 Health and Medical Q & A Sites" ( http://lpntobsnonline.org/2011/top-20-health-and-medical-q-a-sites/ ).
If you think that my article might spark your readers' attention, I was wondering if you might consider mentioning it on your site?
Either way, I really appreciate your time.
Thanks,
Brad Morgans
My pleasure! Bill
18-year-old with Crush
DEAR DR. BILL.
I AM A EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GAY BOY WHO HAS A PROBLEM. MY PROBLEM IS THAT I JUST CAME OUT TO MY FRIENDS AND I WAS ASKED BY ONE OF THEM IF I LIKE ANY ONE. AND I TOLD THEM THAT I DID. THEN HE ASKED ME WHO IT WAS AND I KIND OF DIDN’T WANT TO TELL HIM BUT I TOLD HIM ANYWAY. AND NOW EVERYONE KNOWS WHO I AM IN LOVE WITH. BUT I JUST SO HAPPENS THAT THE GUY I LOVE MESSAGES ME ON FACEBOOK TELLING ME TO NOT CALL HIM LUV. OH AND HE IS GAY ALSO. HE THEN TOLD ME THAT HE IS IN LOVE WITH HIS OTHER FRIEND, WHO IN MY OPINION IS A NO GOOD CHEATER.
HOW DO I GET HIM TO SEE JUST HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM?
Not to say that your feelings for this fellow aren't real and can't feel very intense, but it's more likely that what you feel for him is infatuation and not out and out love -- which can take a very long time to grow. There is no way to convince someone that you love them or that you're the right person for them to be with -- and this is true whether you're eighteen or eighty. Even if the guy likes you or is attracted to you in some way, he can turn against you if he feels pressured or even "stalked." Play it cool and possibly in time he'll come to see you in a different light. Better still, there might be another guy who is right for you -- who feels the same way about you that you feel about him -- just around the corner. Good luck!
I AM A EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GAY BOY WHO HAS A PROBLEM. MY PROBLEM IS THAT I JUST CAME OUT TO MY FRIENDS AND I WAS ASKED BY ONE OF THEM IF I LIKE ANY ONE. AND I TOLD THEM THAT I DID. THEN HE ASKED ME WHO IT WAS AND I KIND OF DIDN’T WANT TO TELL HIM BUT I TOLD HIM ANYWAY. AND NOW EVERYONE KNOWS WHO I AM IN LOVE WITH. BUT I JUST SO HAPPENS THAT THE GUY I LOVE MESSAGES ME ON FACEBOOK TELLING ME TO NOT CALL HIM LUV. OH AND HE IS GAY ALSO. HE THEN TOLD ME THAT HE IS IN LOVE WITH HIS OTHER FRIEND, WHO IN MY OPINION IS A NO GOOD CHEATER.
HOW DO I GET HIM TO SEE JUST HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM?
Not to say that your feelings for this fellow aren't real and can't feel very intense, but it's more likely that what you feel for him is infatuation and not out and out love -- which can take a very long time to grow. There is no way to convince someone that you love them or that you're the right person for them to be with -- and this is true whether you're eighteen or eighty. Even if the guy likes you or is attracted to you in some way, he can turn against you if he feels pressured or even "stalked." Play it cool and possibly in time he'll come to see you in a different light. Better still, there might be another guy who is right for you -- who feels the same way about you that you feel about him -- just around the corner. Good luck!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Back on Schedule
My apologies to my readers and to people who have sent me questions. I have gotten back-logged due to dealing with some personal issues, including my being a caregiver for an elderly friend who has numerous issues of his own. I will be back on schedule very shortly, and will answer all questions in the order in which they were received. Hopefully the wait will not be too long.
Best, Dr. Bill
P.S. Thanks for reading!
Best, Dr. Bill
P.S. Thanks for reading!
Gay Sister Needs Help and Support
| The following is a story from a gay man about his dearest friend, Angela, a lesbian, who was assaulted a while ago and has serious health issues. To paraphrase, she got into a confrontation with a man while walking her dogs, and woke up in a pool of blood. She did absolutely nothing to deserve this attack. In addition to having been diagnosed with a brain tumor [unrelated to the assault], she now has numerous injuries to her teeth, sinuses, and body. Dr. Bill In the meantime, you can follow Angela's http://www.angelagant.com
If you want to let others know about Angela, I made a short film about my experiences with her: your location, try the post I made to Vimeo:
Richard Massey For more on this story, please contact Dr. Bill. Members of the LGBT community in New York City who need medical care should know about the Callen-Lorde Community Center which offers care to our community with payment on a sliding scale, based on ability to pay. Dr. Bill |
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Finding Out If He's Into Guys
Hello Dr. B,
I am a out bisexual, and a friend of mine, who I new in middle school, came back into my life a few months ago, now all my friends think he is gay and I really want to ask him out. But I don't want to do that unless I am sure of his sexuality cause I don't want to kill this friendship if I am wrong. My question is how do I go about finding out if he is gay or bi, do I ask him or do I find out a different way, and then how do I ask him out? Thanks for the help.
The best way to find out an individual's sexual orientation is to bring up the subject of homosexuality in casual conversation. This will at least give you some idea of how they feel about people who are attracted to their own sex. A very negative reaction doesn't necessarily mean that the person can't be gay, and may often indicate that they could be dealing with issues of self-hatred. Or he may have a very positive attitude, and be a sympathetic straight person or someone who is gay and not yet ready to come out. I would suggest being open with him about your own sexuality if you haven't already done so. Only an honest and open conversation can tell you what you want to know. [Unfortunately, some people who are gay or bi are simply not ready to come out to others.] If he's going to want to end the friendship simply because you're attracted to men, then he's probably not worth having as a friend. Once you determine that he is gay -- if he is or is willing to admit it -- you can tell him that you are interested in taking your friendship to a different level; that is, you're interested in dating him. [You may already be aware that there are men and women, without necessarily being "biphobic," who are not comfortable dating bisexuals, seeing them, rightly or wrongly, as gays who aren't fully comfortable with themselves.] Even if he's gay, he may still be more comfortable with just a friendship. If that's the case, remain friends with him if you can, and look for love in other places. Good luck!
I am a out bisexual, and a friend of mine, who I new in middle school, came back into my life a few months ago, now all my friends think he is gay and I really want to ask him out. But I don't want to do that unless I am sure of his sexuality cause I don't want to kill this friendship if I am wrong. My question is how do I go about finding out if he is gay or bi, do I ask him or do I find out a different way, and then how do I ask him out? Thanks for the help.
The best way to find out an individual's sexual orientation is to bring up the subject of homosexuality in casual conversation. This will at least give you some idea of how they feel about people who are attracted to their own sex. A very negative reaction doesn't necessarily mean that the person can't be gay, and may often indicate that they could be dealing with issues of self-hatred. Or he may have a very positive attitude, and be a sympathetic straight person or someone who is gay and not yet ready to come out. I would suggest being open with him about your own sexuality if you haven't already done so. Only an honest and open conversation can tell you what you want to know. [Unfortunately, some people who are gay or bi are simply not ready to come out to others.] If he's going to want to end the friendship simply because you're attracted to men, then he's probably not worth having as a friend. Once you determine that he is gay -- if he is or is willing to admit it -- you can tell him that you are interested in taking your friendship to a different level; that is, you're interested in dating him. [You may already be aware that there are men and women, without necessarily being "biphobic," who are not comfortable dating bisexuals, seeing them, rightly or wrongly, as gays who aren't fully comfortable with themselves.] Even if he's gay, he may still be more comfortable with just a friendship. If that's the case, remain friends with him if you can, and look for love in other places. Good luck!
OPPRESSION OF GAYS IN TURKEY
Dear LGBTT Friend,
We are a LGBTT social network based in Turkey broadcasting to Middle East. Yet we are not a massive site, we serve the gay population in this region with various sections such as gay news, forum, chat and radio broadcasting. We have more than 200.000 members.
Our site has been shut down by the Turkish Telecommunication Directorate (TIB) recently. Sites with LGBTT content are being shut down one by one.
Our site can not be reached from many places in Turkey anymore. Please help us make ourselves heard and reach more people. Our site does not contain any spam or badware. View www.hadiGAYri.com
Numerous sites supported us on this by giving links and making news. A few of them are below:
http://gaymiddleeast.com/news/news%20281.htm
http://www.kaosgl.com/icerik/hadigayricom_tekrar_kapatildi
We are asking you to give links to www.hadiGAYri.com at your site and make news of this matter.
I'm happy to post your information and wish you good luck with these sites. Let's hope someday that the world-wide oppression of LGBT people, which is worse in some countries than others, will finally be ended.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
A Film to Help Fund a Fight Against Cancer
Bill, I'm looking for help publicizing my friend's fight with cancer. I'm looking to raise funds for her medical expenses through sales of the film she produced. Here's the story: http://www.backpagemovie.com/blog/ All funds from the sale of the film go to her treatment. Oh, and the film's pretty fun, too. Thanks, Richard This film will help a lesbian sister with her medical expenses in her fight against cancer. Please check out the web site and buy the DVD. Thanks, readers. Bill
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