Big Queens or Super-Butch?

Okay, let's be honest, aren't most gay guys big queens? I mean, I'm a big queen. Can't speak for you, but isn't that the case for most of us? LL

Nope. In my experience, the vast majority of gay men are just average guys who happen to like other guys. You have to remember that the "big queens" as you call them, -- or the more "fabulous" or flamboyant, stereotypical members of the gay male community -- do tend to, well, stick out a little more. The media also tends to play up the more colorful members of the community. Therefore many people, gay and straight, can erroneously believe that most gay men are "queens" or femmes. It just ain't so. I'm not saying most gay guys are super-butch -- although gay guys like that certainly exist -- but remember that most straight guys aren't super-macho, either. There are even effeminate heterosexual men.

While most well-adjusted masculine gay men do not make fun or put down "femmes" -- although they may at times roll their eyes at certain behavior patterns -- I do recognize that many self-described queens want or need to believe that most gays are queens like them because it makes them feel more comfortable; the whole safety in numbers bit. Also some queens strictly hang out in places where other queens congregate -- they do not go to bear bars, for instance.

Speaking of which, I really think that this whole perception that all or most gay men are queens seems a little out of date with the emergence of bear culture. Although there are effeminate hairy guys, most bears (or otters or wolves or bear cubs and so on) are gay guys who do not fit into neat little stereotypes. And the bear community is huge.

Look, no one wants to be a minority within a minority, but look at it this way. The gay community is very diverse, and queens and drag queens are one part of it -- and the gay community would be a little duller, perhaps, without them. I also have to say that I have personally never seen a bear (or otter or wolf etc. etc.) be unkind to any femme gay guy who happens to wander into the scene or is a bear "chaser."

Celebrate our diversity. Celebrate yourself. Whether you're a butch bear or a "big queen," gay life can be -- is -- great, right?

Woman's Hubby Has a Yen for Men

I am a straight woman who married a bisexual man who lived most of his life as a gay man, and had a male lover for many years. He does not try to hide this and is in favor of gay rights; we both are. We are both of middle-age, and will soon be senior citizens. I believe that we have a very good, loving relationship, but my husband admitted to me some time ago that he has always been in love with a particular man (not his ex-lover, who dumped him for another man) but accepted long ago that it was not to be. He says he loves me but it is obvious that he still has strong feelings for this man, whom he talks about all the time. I wondered if it might do me some good to appeal to this man -- my husband has not seen him in some years -- to tell my husband that there really is no chance of their getting together. I know it would be presumptuous of me, to say the least. But I feel my husband's feelings for him are getting in the way of our relationship, and I do want this to work. If he knew there really was no possibility, maybe he could concentrate more on our marriage and happiness. Anon.

Okay, where do I begin?

This is not what you want to hear, but your marriage would probably have a greater chance of success if your husband was a heterosexual. Sorry, but that's just the plain truth right there. However, there are other factors that you have to consider.

First of all, I think your husband is well aware that things aren't going to happen between him and this other guy he's supposedly in love with, and I think contacting the man would not only be presumptuous but pointless. Whether your husband is actually in love with this guy or not, I'm sure you can see that it presents a problem. Even if your husband is genuinely bisexual (and not just a lonely homosexual man with issues, such as being "dumped" by his long-time male lover) --and it sounds as if that's a big if in this case -- he may have far more interest, shall we say, in men than in women. In other words, his telling you about his love for this guy (you have to wonder why he did so) may be his way of reminding you that he is, after all, a guy who has a thing for other guys, and you can only expect so much of him. On some level, perhaps sub-consciously, your husband probably realizes that he really wants and needs to be with another man, just as you, in all honesty, probably would have preferred a man who's totally or mostly into women.

Loneliness can make strange bedfellows, and I suspect that you and your husband got together (straight woman, man who was "gay most of his life") for that reason. I understand that some people merely settle when it comes to relationships because they want some sort of companionship -- someone who cares about them and whom they care about to share their life with. I do think, however, that it might be better for people to realize -- in situations like this one, among others -- that sometimes loving friends -- as you and your husband may well be -- should remain friends and not become spouses. Where would we all be without our friends, especially when romantic relationships don't work out for one reason or another?

There are really, to my way of thinking, only two things that a woman in your situation can do. You either accept the fact that for one reason or another you entered into a marriage with someone who may never feel the way about you that you feel about him, and just become reconciled to the fact that you've settled. Or, if your husband's obsession with this guy (or, more to the point, his need to be with a man or men) is too much for you to take, then decide to go for simple friendship instead of marriage.

If that won't work, then just move on. You can find love -- real love -- at any age.

The thing is, no matter how he feels about you, your husband may never stop hoping to find that special Mr. Right. And if he by chance finds him, where do you fit in?

In other words, gay men should be with men. Sorry, but there it is. It's not that I have no sympathy for your situation, but if you knew all about this guy's past you did, after all, walk in with your eyes open.

"Kinkiness," HIV, and Gays

I was with my supposedly gay-friendly relatives the other day, and they seemed to be of the impression that gay men were much kinkier, "dirtier," in their sexual habits than straight people, and even implied that's why many gays had HIV. What is the truth about this? Angry in Albany.

There is absolutely nothing to suggest that gay men or lesbians are any kinkier or "dirtier"than heterosexuals. Any studies that suggest so are probably put together by homophobic Focus on the Family-type groups. Believe me, all of the sexual practices that some people might consider "edgier" -- water sports, rimming, anal intercourse, sadomasochism, and so on -- are practiced by heterosexuals as well as homosexuals. Besides, HIV can be spread by such "vanilla" [non-kinky or average] activities as "normal" heterosexual penetration. Tell your relatives that the heterosexual community, like the homosexual community, is quite diverse, and just because they don't practice the kinkier sexual stuff doesn't mean that's true of their straight friends or other straight people. Suggesting that the sexual habits of gay men are responsible for AIDS, for instance, is blatant homophobia.

Sadly, even in this day and age there are people (gay and straight, gay-friendly or not) who still see homosexuals as "abnormal" and kinky. [Not that there's anything wrong in being kinky!]

Problem with Penis Size

Don't laugh, but I'm a young gay man whose problem is an abnormally small penis. I am very self-conscious about it, especially since a great deal of value seems to be placed upon dick size. It has inhibited me a great deal in dating, and when I do date I find that most guys don't want to see me again. I have started being upfront about it with people I meet, and I can tell that they're losing interest, even if they don't come right out and say so. I know you can be blunt, Dr. Bill, but this has caused me a lot of distress so please don't make fun of me. Anon.

Jeez, I admit I can pretty irreverent -- and very blunt -- at times but I'm not such a mean person that I'd make fun of you. Instead I'll tell you a true story:

A few years ago I was very infatuated with a guy who, unfortunately, did not return my feelings. Somebody told me that I should forget about him anyway because they'd heard he was a "princess tinymeat," a guy with a small penis. You know what? I couldn't have cared less. Not every gay man is a "size king" who measures a man by his penis size. If I had been lucky enough to have this guy care for me the way I cared for him, it wouldn't have made the slightest difference to me how big or small his penis was. I believe most gay men feel the same way.

Now let's talk about "abnormally small." The average penis is between 4 to 6 inches in length when erect -- and that's all. Sure there are porn stars and other guys with huge cocks, but most men are not "hung like a horse." It can make some guys feel inadequate if their partner has a bigger penis, but chances are the other guy won't think less of you and if he does, he's a jerk.

If your penis is smaller than average, it is still not "abnormal" -- there are plenty of other guys in the same boat. I don't know if it's always a wise idea to be upfront about your penis size with a perfect stranger, as he may think your bringing it up in the first place is a little off-putting. I don't know if you're into one-night-stands or if you prefer dating (with sex occurring somewhere along the line) but a man who develops romantic feelings for you may not necessarily be turned off by your situation. Yes, some men (and women) like really big dicks, sometimes for their sheer aesthetic value, but even a guy who prefers massive schlongs may overlook this alleged "flaw" if he cares enough about you and your other attributes.

If a lover finds that your penis isn't large enough to provide enough anal stimulation, you could always depend upon sex toys, rubber dildos and the like, for added stimulus.

I do not know much about the assorted appliances and formulas that are being sold on the Internet and late-night TV to increase penis size, but there's certainly a lot of them out there. Perhaps some men who have a similar "problem" and have tried various methods to increase penis size could post their experiences and recommendations in the comments section.

All anonymous, of course.

Gay or Transsexual

How can you tell if an effeminate male child is gay or transsexual? QR.

Some people can actually be both. Otherwise being gay is very different from being transsexual, and vice versa. A gay person is sexually, romantically and emotionally attracted to people of the same gender. A transsexual is a person who mentally and emotionally belongs to one [their true] gender, but who is born with the physical qualities and sexual organs of the other [or "wrong"] gender -- in other words a female born into a male body or vice versa. Transsexuals "transition" into the right sex --- their physical gender matches their mental gender -- through a "sex change," via hormones, therapy and surgery. Transsexuals generally seek counseling to determine if they are truly in a transsexual state and if transitioning will be right for them. While most transsexuals are much happier after the transition, a few feel they would have been happier had they not undergone the process, possibly because those who can not "pass" even after the transition as their true internal sex (for whatever reasons) may face more discrimination and ridicule. As noted, some transsexuals are also gay; many are not.

First of all, speaking of an effeminate boy, one has to define the term "effeminate." Some people foolishly think a boy is effeminate simply because he prefers reading over sports, writes poetry, and has good manners. Sometimes just a lack of an interest in athletics is enough to get a kid branded "effeminate" or a "sissy" -- or gay -- when he's really straight. You can not assume a boy is gay for these reasons because many heterosexual men are more interested in science or the arts than they are in knocking a ball around, and many gay men are very athletic and sports-oriented. To think a boy can't be gay because he likes football and plays it well is ridiculous. This doesn't change the fact that boys who are effeminate in the usual sense of the word -- girlish, epicene, what-have-you -- can certainly be gay. If you suspect your son may be gay, make sure he knows you respect gay people so that he will do the same (and respect himself) and it will be that much easier for him to come out and/or accept himself when the time comes if he is gay.

Often transsexual boys are not "effeminate" but rather feminine, like most girls. They will want to wear girl's clothing (which most gay men do not wish to do), adopt a new female name, talk about how much they wish they didn't have a penis, etc. A transsexual "boy" is crying out to be female and may let his parents know about it whether they want to or not. [Gays also feel a need to "come out" and be themselves, although it may not be as intense, as they do not require physical changes to their bodies or feel they are in the "wrong" ones.] In contrast, gay boys with a leaning towards transvestism/cross-dressing may identify with the female sex and want to dress up as girls as well, but in general will still think of themselves as males and have no desire to lose their penises. [Not to confuse you even further, but men who like to dress up as women can also be heterosexual, and most gay men are not cross-dressers.]

Many transsexuals and some gays recognize the truth about themselves at an early age -- especially these days when there is much more information available on TV and on the Internet. Some need more time to figure out their sexuality than others. If you raise your child in a loving open-minded home where diversity is accepted, chances are they will have a much easier time accepting themselves, whatever they may be, and will be more willing to talk with you about it.

Effeminacy does not always point towards homosexuality (or transsexualism) and many gay boys are not in the least effeminate. Transsexual or transgender boys will more likely exhibit "female" traits. But don't jump to any conclusions. In an environment of tolerance and understanding, boys and girls will have an easier time of determining who and what they are and in accepting and declaring themselves.

What's Up with Asexuals?

I completely understand the GLBT movement and the need to end discrimination for these sexual minority groups. But some people seem to be adding asexuals to the list of groups. What on earth is that about? Are asexuals really a persecuted minority? What's up with that? Anon.

When it comes to asexual men, there probably isn't much that's up, if you know what I mean. Or at least they don't get up to much that most of us would consider fun. All kidding aside, there are three kinds of asexuals. The first kind [type A] includes people who, for whatever reason, decide to live a life devoid of sexual activity. It's similar to being celibate but asexuals are not priests or people who give up sex for religious or other reasons. Most people are not asexual by choice, of course, and frankly I believe many who call themselves asexual make that decision at a point in their lives when it's difficult if not impossible for them to find sex partners. Declaring themselves "asexual" is their way of dealing with the problem. That begs the question: Does a true type A asexual eschew masturbation as well as sex with other people?

The second kind [type B] of asexual would be better described as gender-free, someone who does not identity as male or female or who rejects all gender classification. This is quite different from someone who swears off sex. We often use the term asexual to describe those androgynous individuals who lack distinctive masculine or feminine qualities, people who -- like "Pat" on Saturday Night Live -- seem neither male nor female. Not only are we unable tell what sex they are, but sometimes they can't tell as well (sometimes they are simply confused transsexuals). These people can identify as either gay, straight, bi or transgender.

The third type of asexual [type C] is someone who simply has no sexual attraction for anyone, male or female. Some asexual activists -- yes, we even have those -- claim that asexuality is an orientation, but I completely reject this notion. It is not normal or healthy to have no sexual feelings and it does these unfortunate individuals a disservice to claim that it is. Many people are asexual because of conflicted sexual feelings or depression or both. Asexuality is a medical condition that should be treated.

NOTE: Yes, I'm perfectly aware that homosexuality was once thought of as an abnormal medical and psychiatric condition, but lacking all sexual feelings is something entirely different. Gay is Good. What's good about being asexual? In these "progressive" days everyone wants to jump on the GLBT bus but some passengers are headed in the wrong direction.

I'll leave the whole gender-free business for another post. As for people in the first group who lead an asexual lifestyle, as far as I'm concerned, it is ludicrous to think of them as a minority group like homosexuals or lesbians. These are people who make a choice to strip their lives of sexuality -- or to deal with their sexless lives by declaring themselves asexual -- and that's their own business. As for people in the third group, I do not see their struggle as being similar to that of gays and lesbians, sorry. I for one will never get on the band wagon for asexuality, as it is a "lifestyle" that eliminates one of life's greatest pleasures and consolations. Goodness knows, today's overly politically correct activists, in a well-intentioned but often misguided attempt to include everyone who may be oppressed, often add or want to add all sorts of groups to GLBT, but somehow I can't see A for Asexual being added to the list by the more sensible among them.

UPDATE: I've been told in no uncertain terms that many people -- especially those who identify as Type C asexual -- vehemently disagree with me on the issue of asexuality as an orientation vs. disability. Additionally some GLBTers disagree with me that asexuals are not a sexual minority -- also vehemently. At a future date this issue may be revisited -- but for now I'm worn out.

Somebody Wants His Boyfriend

I recently moved in with a man I've been dating for several months. We've made a commitment to each other. Everything is going great but there is one problem -- his best friend. "Joe" is also gay and they've known each other for years. I have always had the feeling that Joe is secretly in love with my lover and pretty much hates me because of it. My lover can't seem to see that Joe's comments to me aren't meant to be funny but are actually bitchy. He poo poohs any suggestion that Joe has romantic feelings for him. I'm just afraid that Joe would do anything he could to tear us apart, even though my lover has only platonic feelings for him. My question: should I confront Joe about this or would it only make things worse? JB.

That could go either way. Remember first of all that if it's true that your lover only sees Joe as a friend, there isn't that much he could do to break the two of you up. Now if you suspect that he's surreptitiously trying to undermine the relationship by telling lies about you to your lover, then you might have to confront him about that. While this may be the last thing you are feeling, try using compassion over anger -- at least at first. if Joe is suffering unrequited love for your guy, and has been feeling this way for years, you can imagine how painful it is for him, and how much worse it got when the man he adores fell in love with someone else. That may be why he lashes out in "bitchy" fashion (not that that excuses him). Have a compassionate, friendly talk with him, don't put him on the defensive, tell him that you sympathize but that he needs to accept that your lover has somebody in his life now. He may deny everything -- a typical reaction and an attempt to save face -- but at least your message may get across to him. Make it clear that you'd like for the two of you to be friends. He may take the hint or he may need to absent himself from your lives because being on the outside looking in may simply be too painful for him.

In the meantime, for heaven's sake introduce the guy to as many hot friends as you've got so that maybe he'll fall desperately in love with somebody else.

FREEDOM TO MARRY WEEK

February 8th to 14th is Freedom to Marry Week. As others have already stated, marriage equality is not just about marriage but about equality. If one truly believes that gays are equal to straights, and that same-sex relationships are equal to heterosexual relationships, then there is no good or sane reason not to support marriage equality for gay couples.

For more information, click on this link:

http://tinyurl.com/marriagepost

This is also a good time to remind everyone of an excellent documentary on gay marriage by Stephanie Higgins entitled The Gay Marriage Thing. For more information on this film click here.

My Background

Who the hell are you to tell people what they shouldn't or shouldn't do, what's properly gay or isn't? I mean, what makes your opinion more valid than any others? Just who the hell are you anyway? Anon.

Well sometime after I got your email I was asked a similar question about my background and what makes me an expert, only much more politely. But where the hell is your anger coming from?

To answer your question:

1.) I was a phone counselor way back for the Mattachine Society in its last years, talking to and helping people who had issues with and questions about their sexuality. I was very, very young, but I learned fast.

2.) I was Chairman of the Media Committee of New York's Gay Activists Alliance, the country's first militant Gay Rights group, for many years, dealing with the media (publications, films, television), monitoring how the gay image was portrayed, sending out press releases underlining our objections to, say, a certain film, organizing protests, meeting with producers and the like. Similar to what GLAAD (The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) does today.

3.) Co-host and co-producer of Gay Rap on WBAI radio some years ago.

4.) Writer/Reporter for many gay publications including The New York Blade, Philadelphia Gay News, and The Alternate. I have written about gay issues for decades, and interviewed hundreds of gay men, formally and informally, on a variety of subjects.

5.) Lived life as an Out and Proud Gay Man for many, many years. Hopefully I've gained some wisdom along with experience.

Thanks for asking, bubbalah!

The Invisible Minority

Recently out gay guy here. I don't know why this freaks me out so much, but I've been thinking lately that it's mostly just impossible to figure out who's gay unless they tell you. I mean, aside from very stereotypical gay men. Every time I look at a guy, I wonder about him. I mean, not just co-workers and people at the store, but relatives, friends, even married guys with kids as you've mentioned. Anybody can be gay. Maybe someone more experienced like you can tell, but how can I tell who's gay? It's like we're invisible or something. J.H.

And that's the part that probably "freaks you out." Yes, until everyone feels free enough to come out of the closet, we are largely an invisible community -- except in certain urban areas, during Gay pride marches and festivals, at GLBT centers, and so on. What makes it even more confusing is that sometimes men who seem gay aren't. Or at least don't identify as such. [Adding to the confusion, of course, is the number of homosexuals who are not only in the closet, but are in serious denial as to their sexual orientation.]

It's possible that as a "more experienced" person I can sometimes pick out who's gay easier than somebody else, but it's never been an exact science. Like you said, aside from the cases when someone is very flamboyant and obvious, or totally out of the closet, it can be difficult to tell. Sometimes there are some subtle, almost indefinable giveaways. In my younger days I could often tell a guy was gay because I could see that he was checking me out. It still happens even today from time to time, thank goodness! There's just a certain way a man will look at another man if he's into guys ...

It helps to find out who's gay if you're out of the closet yourself. If another person, say a co-worker, is gay they'll be much more likely to come out to you if they know you're gay too and won't judge them.

But this very "invisibility" you mention is a troubling aspect of our very diverse community. Most gays men and lesbians do not conform to stereotypes. All we can hope for is that more and more people will feel comfortable coming out of the closet. The more people who do, the more comfortable the world at large will become with us. And that can only work in our favor.