Boyfriend Likes to Look at Naked Men

Hello,
I'm glad I found this blog post. After being with him for two years and knowing him for seven, my boyfriend confessed that he used to look at "naked men" online daily for years. He said that he wanted to stop but it was like an addiction, but he hadn't done it for almost a year and didn't miss it, and felt he needed to tell me and come clean. He cried when he told me and it seemed like he had a lot of guilt about it. I'm not sure what this means and even why he told me. When he told me I was shocked and told him it was ok with me, as long as he didn't do it anymore, but was too surprised to say anything else then. I've been too afraid to ask him more about it and it's been more than a year so I don't know how to bring it up again. I guess I don't care if he's bi as long as he's attracted to me, too! Haha. He has many close girl friends and hardly any guy friends (I'm not sure if this is a factor but it's something I've always wondered about also). He's never been with a guy or a girl, so what if he doesn't even know? 

I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but guys who look at naked men online [unless he's, say, seeing how he stacks up in the penis size department as compared to other men and even then I might wonder -- I mean how many photos do you have to look at?] and have been doing it for years are undoubtedly attracted to men. His crying and his guilt feelings indicate that he is deeply ashamed of it as well. There's nothing wrong in being gay, but there is something wrong in someone being closeted and ashamed in this more enlightened day and age. A person doesn't have to sleep with a man or a woman to pretty much know, even if he or she is in denial, which sex one is attracted to. As for bisexuality, men who identify as bisexual in most cases tend to prefer men but may have relationships with women because of their internalized homophobia [their self-hatred over being attracted to men]. Apparently the two of you have not slept together, perhaps for religious reasons or you're saving yourselves for marriage? A man who may be essentially homosexual is sort of off the hook in this kind of arrangement [although there are plenty of gay men who can successfully sleep with and impregnate women].

It sounds to me as if you've been given a pretty clear warning. A lot of women have boyfriends and even long-term husbands who turn out to be gay without their having any prior knowledge of it, and it's devastating for them when they find out. To know in advance can be a blessing in disguise. It's hard to let go of somebody that you love, but in my opinion "mixed" marriages between homosexual men and heterosexual women are unfair to both parties and only lead to a lot of heartbreak.

Transgender Friend?

Dear Bill:

A strange question: I have a friend whom I've known for about four years. He is a man, but I have a fairly strong idea that he might be transgender. He's a great person and I value the friendship very much, so I don't want to rock the boat, but he has never brought up the subject that he hasn't always been a man.

I wouldn't say it's vital for me to know for sure...I would definitely want him as a friend, regardless. I'm gay but romantic considerations aren't really a factor here...he has a girlfriend and is thinking of marriage. It's just that I'm curious, it seems to be limiting the conversation -- there is an invisible elephant in the room that neither of us is talking about.

Should I just wait for him to bring it up? Clearly, I can't just say, "You're transgender, aren't you?" It would be amazingly awkward, even more so if I'm wrong.

It's understandable that you're curious about this situation but you're right that it would be awkward -- and worse if he's not transgender. If he is a Trans Man he may be thinking or hoping that he completely "passes" so you'd also risk shattering his illusions or confidence. I would wait until he brings it up, which he may eventually do as you grow closer as friends. Does he know that you're gay? If not, coming out would be a start -- you're both members of the LGBT community even if he isn't gay apparently. Have you met the woman he's going to marry? She may turn out to be transgender as well, which would be another sign. Not that all transgender people pair up with other Trans Men or Women, but it does happen, especially if they want a partner who will understand them and be non-judgmental.

Just hope that some day he'll take you into his confidence.

A "Gay" Kiss at 13?

Hi Bill. Okay, so I've been in a serious relationship for a year. When I first met him, I never suspected he'd be gay or of that type. He was a huge flirt towards women. We were both bartenders and saw all the attention he would receive. I wasn't interested at first because I knew the type of guy he was. But I still went for it. We started getting very serious, even moved in together. One day, we were having a conversation about the craziest things we've done and he mentioned to me that when he was 13 he kissed another boy. He said it was because they each had a girl crush, and the two girls dared them to kiss each other in order to able to sleep with them, so they did it, and later scored with the girl. He then told me that later on he found out that it was all a trick because the guy who he kissed WAS gay and liked him. He was upset about it and broke contact with all of them. I felt a little weirded out about it, but took it for what it was. Ever since then, I've been extremely paranoid. I feel very alert about anything he does. I've occasionally seen him glance at other men, like at the beach etc. I've confronted him once and asked "are you gay" and he said "no, I am not gay. I did that with the guy so I could sleep with the girl." Months later, we were having sex when I insisted on talking dirty to each other. Then out of no where he says "let me put it in the ass". I completely stopped and pushed him off of me and began saying "I knew it." A huge fight burst out after that. What caught me off guard was that we had never talked about anal sex. He said his coworker had been talking about them having anal with their girlfriends ans insisted that he should try it with me. We were able to get past that but I still carry this huge paranoia and it isn't fair to neither of us. We do love each other, but I don't think I'll ever feel at ease. What should I do? 

Two points to consider: A.) Giving a guy a quick kiss when he's 13 on a dare does not necessarily make a man gay. Believe me, I can be pretty suspicious, but this doesn't raise any red flags for me. It's the type of silly thing that could easily happen. I think you were, for whatever reason, so freaked out about it that you're interpreting his every action as being, somehow, "gay."

B.) It isn't only gay men who are into anal intercourse. Your boyfriend may be the experimental type who likes to try different sexual positions.That doesn't necessarily add up to homosexuality. Of course you don't have to engage in any sexual activity you don't feel comfortable with, but don't be so uptight that you perceive anything non-missionary as being "perverse." Whether a man is or isn't into things you might consider "kinky" generally has little to do with sexual orientation.

Can I swear to you that your boyfriend isn't attracted to men? No, I can't, but I'd need much more positive evidence before I could tell you that the man in your life is definitely gay.